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Daniel Bristol
Daniel Bristol
Joined: 14 May 2004
Stories Written: 6
09 February 2010

UK Headlines

Funny story: Britain tipped back into recession by John Terry: Claims Darling!

Britain tipped back into recession by John Terry: Claims Darling!

Chancellor of The Exchequer, Alistair Darling tonight gave a hurried news conference to leading Financial Journalists on the doorstep of No.11 Downing Street. Darling today received the latest GDP figures and wanted to explain that the sheer amoun...
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Noddy involved in fatal car crash

Popular children's character, Noddy, was involved in a fatal car crash this morning. His passenger and life long friend, Big Ears, was pronounced dead on the scene; whilst Noddy himself has been taken to Toy Town hospital and remains in critical cond...
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Funny story: Local Man Refuses to Smile

Local Man Refuses to Smile

Local man Billy Bogner, 68, has kept a straight face for the majority of his life despite repeated efforts by his wife, mistress, children and local friends to cheer him up. "Billy can be a grumpy bastard", said one friend yesterday, "he just will...
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Love is...Fleeting

A local sailor has described his delight at having one of his idea's chosen for those cutesy 'Love is…' cartoon's in daily newspapers and tacky greeting cards. Pirate Pete, 56, entered a competition to select what stupid crappy 'Love is…' cartoon...
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Funny story: Mohammed Al Fayed: "It was all Dick Cheney's fault after all!"

Mohammed Al Fayed: "It was all Dick Cheney's fault after all!"

Millionaire Mohammed Al Fayed was still mulling the results of the Coroner's inquest that cleared Prince Phillip and determined the Prince wasn't behind the accident that killed Al Fayed's son Dodi, and the former Princess of Wales, Diana. The fa...
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Funny story: All Handjobs In The UK To Be Outsourced To India in 2010. All sex in 2011!

All Handjobs In The UK To Be Outsourced To India in 2010. All sex in 2011!

It was announced today that all and any handjobs will be outsourced to India beginning in April 2010, and full sexual matters by 2011. "We will do our bloody best to give our citizens the best and safest handjobs on the planet. Each sexual encount...
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Funny story: London Underground to go International

London Underground to go International

Commuters on the Northern Line were recently told to expect months of delays and a reduced service whilst rail engineers perform 'urgent upgrades' to the aging tube line. However, a spokesman for T.F.L. (Transport For London) has revealed that the...
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Funny story: Stop The Bus! - Number 24 Delayed As Driver Whips Out Prayer Mat

Stop The Bus! - Number 24 Delayed As Driver Whips Out Prayer Mat

Passengers on the number 24 London Bus service to Gospel Oak found themselves in a state of slack-jawed astonishment as the driver pulled into a bus stop, whipped out his prayer mat and dropped to his knees in the aisle to pray. A spokesman for Tr...
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Funny story: David Cameron In Secret Plan For State Buy-Out Of Places In 'Toff' Private Schools

David Cameron In Secret Plan For State Buy-Out Of Places In 'Toff' Private Schools

Tory party strategists have developed a secret plan to educate the brightest kids in the country - those without the parents who can afford private schools. In a revolutionary scheme, State Bursaries are to be purchased within the private sector.
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Funny story: Britain is Flat Broke!

Britain is Flat Broke!

The latest financial figures to shock the UK have just been released and it ain't good reading. In fact, Britain is flat broke. That's a fact. The UK government, a beaming guiding light for its people, is broke too! Even Fred Bloggs unemployed...
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Funny story: Hidden numerology of John Terry £137k fraud trial

Hidden numerology of John Terry £137k fraud trial

London - (Pseudomathematics): An ancient occult divination system behind the secret science of hidden credit card numbers will be laid bare before Southwark Crown Court this week. In the dock is Chelsea captain John Terry's 'old mucker' Faisal Mad...
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Funny story: Cambridge sluts protest at shagging noise curfew

Cambridge sluts protest at shagging noise curfew

Cambridge - (Decibels): Women students on classic Maria Sharapova grunting research scholarships are dismayed at draconian new rules imposed today. These limit the amount of permitted coital shrieking, yelling, pleading and goading during curfew h...
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  • View 'A floating voter asks is there any Democracy'
    A floating voter asks is there any Democracy
    A floating voter has spoken out against all news channels on television including The BBC News and SKY News for being totally undemocratic. Only establishment point of view is allowed there is no Democracy as the same two party system is shoved down...
  • View 'Mortar Broads Warned Off Noisy Nooky!'
    Mortar Broads Warned Off Noisy Nooky!
    Horny housemembers at an all-female Cambridge University college have ditched their old blue-stocking image in favour of lacy thongs, fish-nets and suspenders. All 400 sexy swots at Newnham College have been rebuked for ribald frolics after compl...
  • View 'Great Britain To Be Renamed'
    Great Britain To Be Renamed
    The United Kingdom, which consists of four small, individual Countries... Wales... Northern Ireland... Scotland... and last, and least, England, has run a competition to find a new name to replace Great Britain, now we are no longer great. It was Tim...
  • View 'Thirty years for The Three Profiteers and the Parasite Peer'
    Thirty years for The Three Profiteers and the Parasite Peer
    John Wright a writer and specialist in crime is outraged along with millions of other people that only four MPs are to be charged out of the hundreds who fiddled their expenses and stole public money. John reckons we should give them all thirty y...
  • View 'Britain's dullest couple buy their own island'
    Britain's dullest couple buy their own island
    He played football for Bournemouth. She helped a group of farmers to find some wives. But together they became an unstoppable force of tedium, boring the crap out of TV viewers who can't find anything better to watch. Jamie and Louise Redknapp, or...
  • View 'Chinese Moon Shot hoping to discover life on the Moon!'
    Chinese Moon Shot hoping to discover life on the Moon!
    The Chinese Government in Beijing tonight announced their intention to capture a living creature when they land on the moon in 2012. Chinese leader, Wun Hung Lo, went live on television to let the World know that China's Space Camp was now open fo...
  • View 'Primate Minister eats ten bananas a day'
    Primate Minister eats ten bananas a day
    Primate Minister Gordon Baboon eats ten bananas a day after giving up chocolate when Cadburys were taken over by Kraft. We managed to interview him late last night just after he had eaten number ten that's banana number ten not the place. "I pl...
  • View 'The Devils Daughter Returns'
    The Devils Daughter Returns
    It will soon be Valentines Day. This is the sort of thing we want to see as Spoofs. Something sexy that makes you think Sexy thoughts. Not some bland rubbish with the obligatory 'Red Rose' attachment... Shite Stock Photo. That Fancy Fanny-Dress Ou...
  • View 'Local Man is a Hateful Bastard'
    Local Man is a Hateful Bastard
    Local man Tom Wilbourne, 25, is a complete and utter bastard - or so he claims. Pissing in neighbours garden's, stealing pocket money and sweets from school children and letting the air out of parked cars are just some of the 'funny little things'...
  • View 'Vanessa Perroncel a Russian spy?'
    Vanessa Perroncel a Russian spy?
    London - (Reuterus): Is beautiful, sloe-eyed French WAG Vanessa Perroncel a KGB femme fatale working for Russian oligarchs hellbent on toppling Roman Abramovich from his Chelsea FC fiefdom? A conspiracy theory website says she's really the temptre...