Showing the very latest breaking spoof news snippets. You can use the calendar on the right to browse through the most recent breaking news snippets.

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Trump Adds to His Threat Regarding How Republicans Who Vote Against Repealing Obamacare Will Lose Their Seats

He has now added that everyone who votes against him will be taken off his Trump Steak Xmas List.

written by Al N., 22 March 2017
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Market Flooded After Woody Harrelson Quits Smoking Pot

The sudden surge in supply has put growers in a bind as demand is cut in half and prices plunge.

written by XRhonda Speaks, 21 March 2017
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Pink Floyd Won't Let Trump Use Their Song 'The Wall' for His Wall

In true Trump fashion, he just went ahead and used it, claiming they don't own the rights any more.

written by Al N., 21 March 2017
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Brazil support vegetarians by flogging rotten meat!

In a perverse manner by "killing 2 cows with 1 meat hook" Brazil are now the "Messiah" of healthy living by flogging rotting meat to the world! A genial way to make the world vegetarian!

written by Jaggedone, 18 March 2017
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Trump Signs Executive Order to Ban Spiders & Insects

"I've never liked them and it seemed like the right thing to do" said Trump.

written by Al N., 17 March 2017
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Socrates Lookalike Calls It A Day

"Mice turn me all queer", said Genghis Khan, yesterday. "It's their little stringy tails. I have to get up on my wife's shoulders if I see one in our yurt of an evening."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Eric Pickles Launches Speak Your Weight Machine Range

Cretin Channel Highlights:

20:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - Can Will.i.am out-jism Ed Sheeran?

21:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo probes the Wakefield Pantomime Horse Racing Scam.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Walrus Interrupts Daniel O'Donnell Concert

The imaginary wife of Dorking Batchelor Dick Palmer is no trouble at all, he claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know she was there", he said.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Peter The Great Slept In Fish Tank Claims Alloa Athlete

Among the books bequeathed to the nation by late travel-writer Sidney Yardbrushe are Up the Zambezi In a Coracle, Through Northern China on a Penny Farthing and Alone Among the Kalahari Hermits.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Nude Postman Scandal Rocks Vatican

"Wombats drive me crazy, man", says Alfred, Lord Tennyson. "A wombat is one crazy marsupial. Those cats are really gone."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Centaur Infestation Threatens Littlehampton

A sepia photograph of James Clerk Maxwell playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has gone missing from Queen Nefertiti's umbrella stand.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Performing Crocodile Wedged In Bishop's Mitre

The Two David Livingstones aren't quite set in their new first-floor flat at Bosham. "We're still deciding on the best place to put our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake", they said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Peebles Traffic Warden Killed By Falling Capybara

"I have no time for flat fish, such as plaice, skate or dabs", says Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil. "You can't get your hands round their throats. The flat bastards."

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Camel Stops Traffic In Salisbury

More papier-mâché busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared, this time at Chichester Opticians I. Glazer & Son. "Our customers are tripping over all these busts", said Ian Glazer yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 15 March 2017
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Trump Booby-Traps Tax Returns

Because of media leaks of his tax returns, Trump said that he has set huge traps on all his returns.

written by Al N., 15 March 2017
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Coracle Shortage Threatens Welsh Navy Bid

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil once tried to throttle a pygmy. "It was on a cheap last-minute holiday in Botswana", she said yesterday. "I was drunk and he got away."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Larry Grayson "Offered Cabinet Post By Thatcher" Claims Deal Whelkstall Attendant

"The Duke of Edinburgh ain't too bad", says Buckingham Palace lickspittle Terence Arselicker, "once you've got used to cleaning up the vomit and burying the half-eaten voles."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Jeremy Corbin Even More Unpopular Than Jeremy Corbin

His Holiness The Pope Talks About Admin Work:

"Office work? I should coco. Oy vey! All that schmutter. What are Cardinals for? Do I keep a dog and bark myself?"

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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"Hermitian Operators Ruined My Life" Claims Eastenders Star

"I hate them daddy long-legs things, they give me the creeps", says Genghis Khan. "Folk'll not believe that of a man like me, but I do have depths like everyone else."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Tim Rice's Nude Unicycle Horror

Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth claims to be the author of Dante's Inferno. "He wrote it all down, fair enough", he said, yesterday, "but only after I gave him the basic idea."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Piers Morgan's Owl Hell

Dorking inventor Gideon Bable has come up with a mouse trap that can make tea. "Once I can get it to catch mice as well", he said yesterday, "I'm certain it will be a real success."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Lulu Gives Birth To Wooden Baby

Gideon Bable, Dorking inventor, has come up with a clockwork kettle that can tell the time. "When I manage to get it to boil water as well", he said yesterday, "it will be a real winner."

written by Erskin Quint, 14 March 2017
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Trump to Hold Pep Rally in Nashville

We're not sure what to call it, so pep rally seemed good to me, said former cheerleader Kellyanne C.

written by Al N., 14 March 2017
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Kellyanne Conway Applys To Be Spoof Writer

When asked about her qualifications she said, "I don't need any evidence, I have alternative facts..."

written by XRhonda Speaks, 13 March 2017
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LED's punch these lights out!

LED streetlamps cause insomnia! Yes, especially if humans forget to close their curtains, pull the blinds down, or sleep outdoors! Mind you sex under LED lamps aint bad!

written by Jaggedone, 13 March 2017
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Secret Service Catch Man Who Scaled White House Fence

Since he was covered in dirt, it took them a minute to realize the intruder was Rudy Giuliani.

written by Al N., 13 March 2017
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Bill Cosby's Lawyers Won't Go Out for a Drink with Him

The excuse of "We have to work late on your case" is getting old.

written by Al N., 13 March 2017
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Turkish Kebab restaurants in Holland go up in flames!

Dutch / Turkish diplomatic relationships have hit rock bottom, why? It's all about a "Turkish storm brewing in a Dutch teacup" Nothing more!

written by Jaggedone, 12 March 2017
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President Accidentally Fires Himself

"It was an accident," says former President Trump after firing a record 736 people in one day--"but I'm ready to go back to reality TV and fleecing investors, it's much easier."

written by XRhonda Speaks, 12 March 2017
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Jilted Chris Christie Caught Trying To Sneak In To White House

The Secret Service searched Christie's backpack and found a picnic lunch, a bottle of wine and some massage oil. read more...

written by XRhonda Speaks, 12 March 2017
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Eating Boiled Mice Cured My Shyness Claims Glen Hoddle

"The Duke of Edinburgh is all right", claims Buckingham Palace flunkey Raymond Parasite, "but he does leave his shrunken heads all over the place. And he's always quoting the Venerable Bede."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Mary Berry's Top Hat Fetish

More of Ghengis Khan's Phobias

"I can't abide spiders in me yurt of a night, me", claimed Ghengis Khan yesterday. "I know it's hard to believe of a man like me, but we've all got hidden depths."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Albuquerque Nun's Croquet Hoop Hoard Unearthed

More papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We've had to cordon off the Snug Bar - it's full of these damned busts now", said landlord Colin Drab."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Malcolm Muggeridge Loved My Coddled Egg Suppers Claims Boy George

A sand sculpture of Sheridan Le Fanu playing leapfrog with Lulu on Saltcoats Pier has been stolen from Jimmy Osmond's Garden Shed.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Cow Wedged in Chimney

"I wrote all Ravel's piano works", claimed Devon watering-can repairer Adelbert Lossiemouth yesterday. "I was the real brain behind them. Ravel just did the music."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I Auditioned For Mungo Jerry Claims Archbishop

Osmotherley bagpipes-repairer Julian Apeclinger says of Lady Gaga: "I think she's a real picture of beauty. Unfortunately, it's a Picasso."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Quorn is the New Cod's Head and Shoulders

More Highlights from the Cretin Channel:

20:00 Hilda Goes In - Hilda the Undercover Hippo investigates the Norfolk Punch & Judy Scandal
21:00 Celebrity Jerk-Off - can Elton John out-jism Ed Sheeran?

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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I wrote "Land of Hope and Glory" Claims Idiot

Pontefract hot water bottle designer Colin Artifact has had to abandon plans to reproduce the wooden Hot Water bottles of the Etruscans. "You can't get the wood these days", he said yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Owls Nesting In Archbishop

Billericay eel-strangler Gladys Stencil has little time for cod. "Their necks are too thick", she moaned yesterday. "You can't get your hands round them."

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Cold Calling "Is Entrepreneuring At Its Best" Claims Con-Man

What's Happening In Towcester

The Roman Doorways exhibition at Sponne School has a fascinating display of wood and leather escutcheons! Catch the display of Victorian Milk Jugs at Towcester Museum while you can!

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Eigenstates Are The New Soap Operas

A transparent statue of Cardinal Wolsey commissioned by Abelard Siskin, Mayor of Canterford, is not an eye-sore, the Mayor claimed yesterday. "You wouldn't know it was there", he told reporters.

written by Erskin Quint, 11 March 2017
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Spitfires, Erskine Quint & Dr Who prove Made in Britain is best!

Sublime British eccentricity will prove to the world that "Made in Britain" is still the best! Restored Spitfires, Erskine Quint and Dr Who (who?) will never crash! Mad dogs & Englishmen rule!

written by Jaggedone, 11 March 2017
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Trump Reports He is Afraid to Talk Because of Fear of Being Wiretapped by Obama

Obama is awarded second Nobel Peace Prize.

written by Al N., 11 March 2017
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I Used To Supply Idi Amin With Wensleydale Rams

The Two David Livingstones have moved again, to a semi in Lewes. "We'll be happier here", said the second Livingstone yesterday. "There's a road called Stanley Street nearby. Perfect."

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Dale Winton Drank From My Grandmother's Breasts

Troubled by Jehova's Witnesses? Hang a week-old mutilated corpse from the apple tree in your garden. They'll not come near. No apple tree? Just leave the corpse slumped by the front door.

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Coelacanths Are The New Hector Heathcoat

"James Corden is an irritating fatuous gobshite", says Prince Ferdinand Georg August of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. "I died in 1851, but it's obvious to me. So what's wrong with the Americans? Hang on..."

written by Erskin Quint, 10 March 2017
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Fake Napoleon Scourge Threatens Isle of Wight

House & Home
with Aunty Jean

Now is the time to be protecting your garden against Dingoes, Wombats and Aborigines on walkabout. A good shotgun works for me. It keeps Jehova's Witnesses at bay too.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Planet Jupiter "Really a Hydrogen Balloon full of Dead Geese", Claims Procurator Fiscal

The Two David Livingstones are relishing their new semi at Burwash. "The lounge is especially lovely now we have our papier-mache bust of Hereward The Wake on the coffe table", they enthused, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Buckingham Palace Car Boot Sale Ruined By Commanche Raid

Gravesend Police are hunting the gang who stole urine samples from their laboratory. "Somebody is taking the piss", said a spokesperson, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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Nude Eskimo Couple Refused Entry at Ascot

Local News Update

Twelve more papier-mache busts of Hereward The Wake have appeared at Chichester pub The Running Sore. "We are up to our eyes with these busts", said landlord Colin Drab, yesterday.

written by Erskin Quint, 09 March 2017
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