Spoof news snippets from Saturday 8 February 2014
A plane with 109 people aboard has landed safely in a swamp in Louisiana
Accident would have been much worse if Phil Robertson hadn't rounded up 200 people to catch the plane.
Thousands compete for Top Dog honors at New York show
Ms Clarabelle Finkster in the final four. She looks like the female version of the late Marty Feldman.
Woman posts photo of her breastfeeding puppy, says it was to save its life
I guess she was trying to keep it a secret by posting it.
Iran says warships sailing towards U.S.: agency
Your move is next Mr. President.
ORTH: 10 Undeniable Facts About Woody Allen Sexual-Abuse Allegation.
I'm sorry. That should have been 100 Undeniable Facts!
United States and Russia Not Behaving
Several fights among fans and calls of "Buckwheat" and "Curly the Stooge" hurled!
True Facts From Snoops #203
According to Snoops: The real Godzilla was only 12 inches tall & was created by a Japanese photographer. The noise it made was that of an elephant. The fire breathing was the only thing that was real.
True Facts From Snoops #229
According to Snoops: At least one tribe of natives in the Amazon worship the Anaconda. Also, during wedding ceremonies, the bride always takes off a garter snake and tosses it.
True Facts From Snoops #609
According to Snoops: Oddly enough South American Rainforests are the home of a quarter of all butterflies and also the Lepidopterist. Lepidopterist are hunted by Boa Constrictors.
Disappointed Israeli ski team abandons winter olympics....
"we thought we were entered for the shalom"
Air New Zealand Sets Record Ticket Sales This Week
AUCKLAND, NEW ZEALAND - Since using top Sports Illustrated bikini models in their airline safety video, Air New Zealand's ticket sales are soaring. Most sales are to men, ages 18-34.
Cupid's Arrows Seized by the TSA at Atlanta International Airport
Atlanta, Georgia - TSA officials seized Cupid and his quiver of arrows this morning at Atlanta's Intl. Airport. Forced to fly Delta due to inclement weather, half naked Cupid was on his way to Hawaii.
Smokey the Bear Replaced by Rosie the Rhino
for fire fighting mascot as the U.S. Forest Service aspires to wildfire globalization, despite fact that rhinos putting out fires is a myth.
BIGELOW Renames Tea In Honor of Comet ISON
FAIRFIELD, CONNECTICUT - Bigelow Tea Company announced today, that in honor of Comet ISON surviving a recent close encounter with the sun it has renamed its "Constant Comment" tea to "Constant Comet".
The First Were Just Two Johns
Johnson and Johnson began with only two Johns who had sons and specialized in toiletries.
American Dentistry Association Announces Move to India
CHICAGO, ILLINOIS - The American Dentistry Association announced today the number of teeth in the U.S is declining dramatically, due to increasingly bad habits, so they are forced to move to India.
True Facts From Snoops #881
According to Snoops: Just like all the similarities between Lincoln and Kennedy, George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein were both male AND the leader of a country! Wow! Spooky!
True Facts From Snoops #191
While most people call it "That sorry cat done ate the end off my shoestring", the small end is called anglet
Russians Display Remarkable Talent for Recycling at Sochi
The opening Olympic ceremonies showed how adept the Russians have become at recycling. All the glow-in-the-dark costumes seen were made out of vegetative materials taken from Chernobyl.
Drought hits ski towns hard
"At least there's plenty of good food and reefers", stated stranded skier.
Giant 5-foot jellyfish hits the beach
Mr. Peanut goes into hiding. "I'll be hard to recognize after I get out of my shell", he tells reporter who promised not to reveal his hiding place.
Floating restaurant in Kentucky rolls down Ohio River -- again
Some of these take longer to train than others according to Captain.
True Facts From Snoops #521
According to Snoops: Most men have six taste buds on their tongue: salty, sweet, sour, bitter, savory and wife.
True Facts From Snoops #120
According to Snoops: The country of Brazil has a border with every other country in South America but two. That's why their country is so big!
True Facts From Snoops #835
According to Snoops: The Mexican flag has an eagle on it, perched on a cactus, with a fish in it's mouth! If the fish has a worm, it's a fake!
True Facts From Snoops #336
According to Snoops: Without gravity, astronauts prefer to hang from the ceiling like bats!
Yet another way coffee will improve your life
It is credited with preventing thousands of car, plane, truck crashes!
Conan O'Brien Wins Late-Night TV With Jay Leno Jab
"That will teach him not to lead with his chin!"
Obama on Vladimir Putin: He wants to look like a tough guy
"But one look at Michelle shut him up pretty fast. That's about all we agreed upon."
US vows to defend Japan against China
Also, China against Russia, Russia against the Taliban, etc.
Hoffman's NYC funeral attracts Hollywood stars
Overheard from crowd: "He was great as Truman Compote!" "One of a kind!" and "Who's this? I thought they said Dustin Hoffman!"
Mirrored bathroom ceilings in Sochi
Putin: Those idiots! I told them Bedrooms not Bathrooms!
Obama nominee for ambassador to Argentina: I've never been there!
"But I've always wanted to see what Africa was really like!"
GOP Ready to Deal on Debt Limit.
Agree with President to "Double Down" ploy!
FOX Cancels 'X FACTOR'.
The show was becoming a milkless Cowell! "Hey FOX, what's your beef?"
BIDEN: 'No obvious reason' not to run in '16.
Other than you are a little better liked than Dick Cheney.
FAA probes Bieber Super Bowl flight.
They have already discovered drugs, alcohol, 1,000 eggs and a well-worn teddy bear.
Over two-thirds of continental USA covered with snow.
United States expecting over one hundred thousand babies to be born near the end of the year.
It's so cold up North #3
That people are warned not to pee outside as the stream will freeze half way out and breaking it off can hurt.
It's So Cold Up North! #2
"It's so cold that...Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick!"
It's So Cold Up North
That children put their fingers in their ears and hum if you try to read "Snow White" to them at bedtime.
Great Lakes Are Now Iced Over #4
The area has been turned into ice rink. Sasquash have been spotted playing Hockey.
Great Lakes Are Now Iced Over #3
In winter the Great Lakes can now be called, "The great Iceberg"!
Great Lakes Are Now Iced Over #2
You can now walk across the the ice from Superior, Wisconsin to Duluth, Minnesota to play the slots at Casino.
Homosexual activists arrested, thereby ridding Sochi once again of all gays
Russian authorities arrested some 20 homosexual activists who had been protesting near the Olympic village. The arrests prompted spokesman Igor Tova to proclaim, "Sochi is once again sinner free."
Great Lakes Are Now Iced Over
Probably just doing it so people can tell children what it was like before the Global Warming?
Russian Who Lit Olympic Cauldron Tweeted Racist Picture Of Obamas Last Year
Explanation: "We have the freedom to do that over here." Then I wonder if they make cartoons of Mohammed?
Johnson & Johnson!
Rumor: The people continue to buy products from Johnson & Johnson even though most people who knew them say that they were a couple of pricks!
Food for Cabinet Improved
With a huge dollop of pickles.
True Facts From Snoops #521
According to Snoops: The word "Amish" comes from the old German name for "Amish".
True Facts From Snoops #632
According to Snoops: Many bars where jazz was being played never invited Mel Torme because they didn't want to clean up the "scat" after his performance.
True Facts From Snoops #071
According to Snoops: The President there rules from the President's House. I'm sorry. He rules from the Pink House (Casa Rosada)!
True Facts From Snoops #749
According to Snoops: Flies can hear each other light of a blade of grass. Yet they apparently can't hear you saying "Shooo!" as loud as you can.
True Facts From Snoops #851
According to Snoops: The T. Rex could eat up to 500 pound of meat in a single bite, usually the timid Caspersaurus which weighed 200 tons and couldn't run very fast
President Obama Appoints "Buzz" Aldrin Lunar Ambassador
With a nod to transparency previously promised, the President today appointed retired astronaut "Buzz" Aldrin as ambassador to the Moon. "At least nobody can claim he hasn't been there," Obama said.
Kangaroos to be used as security guards in Australian prisons. Wardens figure the roos can maintain order, act as therapy pets, and give boxing lessons all at the same time.
America's Chocolate Supply Runs Out Just Before Valentine's Day
Costas Praising the Virtues of Putin's Russia During NBC Coverage?
Apparently Russki State Security had a one-on-one with the Bobster about the continued health of his little Costies prior to the braodcast.
Sochi Opening Ceremony Displays Putin's Cross-species Choreography
Though the music was Swan Lake, what appeared on the arena floor were twirling/scittering jelly fishes. Dictator-in-Chief Putin designed the dance after a troubled night due to a bad bowl of borsht.
Regis Losing It
Those semi-close to Regis say the man may be losing it, or rather, losing still more of it. "Lately he ends most conversations with 'and they're still bricked up in the crawlspace'", states one.
Hillary In The Nude?
Sleazy tabloid apologizes for running faked nude photographs of Hillary Clinton. "We're sorry, those aren't you", states paper. "I'm sorry they're not me too", former First Lady replies.
53% of Women Would End Their Relationships if They Didn't Get Something on Valentine's Day
Ironically, 53% of men don't get their girlfriends anything for Valentine's Day....hum....
$1.3 Trillion Owed to China
"Uh, we just put that check in the mail," assures the U.S. "You'll probably get it next week."
True Facts From Snoops #808
According to Snoops: The one kitchen item most women say they couldn't do without, is the George Foreman Grill!
True Facts From Snoops #164
According to Snoops: A snickersnee is a large knife. Thus: "Apparently he was gutted, Watson, I would say from the wound, a common snickersnee." in "Trouble in River City". "A Mr. Pool, by his card."
True Facts From Snoops #273
According to Snoops: Newborn dolphins have a small patch of hair on their chins, and are referred to as, "your beat baby" by other dolphins.
True Facts From Snoops #734
According to Snoops: India has 23 different major languages. So be careful. For instance, one word that means "toilet" in one language means "wife" in another.