Spoof news snippets from Thursday 20 February 2014
Arizona toddler with 160 IQ admitted to Mensa
"I am overjoyed", stated the three year old. "I have much to take up with them!"
Nun vs. U.S. Security Guards
....84 year old nun recently sentenced to prison for successfully breaking into the Y-12 National Security Complex in Oak Ridge....hum.....
While Stepping Over Frogs and Locusts!
John Kerry tells Israeli TV he is 'determined' to get Israeli-Palestinian peace deal done.
ABC News-National - More Headlines Fire Sends Tall Plume of Black Smoke Over Phoenix
If it were Spring I would have thought it was a tornado!", says one resident.
True Facts From Snoops #641
Snoops: Dingos, the wild dogs of Australia, first arrived 3500 there years ago back when dogs could not only dog paddle but sail ships.
True Facts From Snoops #871
Snoops: Human parents take care of their children longer than any other animal, sometime until they are 55 years old!
True Facts From Snoops #182
Snoops: Yellowstone Park got it's name from all the yellow stone in the area, according to a Think Tank nearby.
True Facts From Snoops #182
Snoops: Birds have a greater amount of colors that they can see that we can't. That what makes a good parrot a crappy art critic!
NSA vows to Spy Even More!
Citizen groups say they will hire their own spies to counter spy what NSA is spying on.
Tales from the TSA: Confiscating Aluminum Foil and Watching Out for Solar Powered Bombs
They'll pull my aluminum pointed from my cold dead pointed head!
President Explains Obamacare!
"All you have to do is call and join in and the doctor will tell you when you go, what your number in line, is at that instant! Remember, if you delay, you will pay!"
It's Getting Close Each Time!
Biden: Obamacare off to 'hell of a start' despite problems. Lightning hits nearby tree.
Florida teacher accused of forcing student to clean urinal with bare hands
Sounds like the student was really pissed!
Iowa man loses job over Twix stuck in vending machine
"Yes I shook that machine and even turned it upside down. I finally got my Twix, 5 other Twix and a couple of freebies. Hope I can live off of them until I get another job."
Albania Opposition Holds Anti-Government Protest
As Jimmy Durante once stated, "Everybody wants to get in the act!"
Bloomberg - More Headlines Obamacare Rewrites of Health Law Rile Republicans
Democrats too when they have to see a doctor or go to hospital!
Canada Makes Olympic History in Curling Final
Two different players fly on their brooms around the arena!
What a gash!
Sex specialists report extra activity in North Devon this afternoon as 'the earth moved' for many inhabitants!
Wal-Mart reports fall in profits
"There will be severe consequences", say store managers. "We will start with employee push-ups!"
True Facts From Snoops #201
Snoops: Despite parent warnings, over 2,000 kids enter the hospital with dirty underwear every year.
True Facts From Snoops #472
Snoops: Birds love to play. Ravens go slide down snow banks and one breed had a hit song about flying, called "Eight Miles High!"
True Facts From Snoops #505
Snoops: Some military branches train dolphins to find explosives but not to trigger any, because of PETA. Navy Commander: "If it were up to me, I'd rather have dolphin martyrs!"
True Facts From Snoops #404
Snoops: Animals couldn't live without plants which convert energy into food and exhale oxygen. Remember that before you go wild with the weedeater!
Ukraine: Interior Ministry Says 67 Police Captured by Protesters in Kiev
Government trade of 200 arrested protesters and one of their leaders to be named later.
Navy veteran fired from job after taking down tattered American flag
"Fired or not, I will not allow a tattered flag to fly when i could change it!" Good worker here if anyone wants to give him a job!
Great Moral Development Snag Mystery
The Government's Moral Crusade to help blind people to see by withdrawing their disability benefits has failed to bring back the sight of anyone.
Dr Oz - "Finally, A Dìet Pill That Just Works"
"I've began talking to the dead once again and they have ALL lost weight!"
Woman calls 911 because husband wanted to 'hook up with her sisters'.#2
"I wanted to prevent my big sister from harming him with a harpoon once she finds out about the 'hook up' thing!"
Woman calls 911 because husband wanted to 'hook up with her sisters'.
"I just wanted you to know that I have 12 sisters and we may decide accidentally kill him."
Muslims 'warned not to live on Mars'.
Other groups begin packing their suitcases. "I'm ready any time there's a place for us there."
NYC pay toilet charges $8 a day. #5
Man on the street says that if a terrorist blew up the toilet he was in, he hoped he wouldn't survive.
NYC pay toilet charges $8 a day #4
Police Chief: A terrorist bomb in several of those could be a real mess.
NYC pay toilet charges $8 a day. #3
Street people say they might save and spend colder nights there.
NYC pay toilet charges $8 a day #2
"Here I sit, broken wallet, paid eight bucks and only farted.
NYC pay toilet charges $8 a day.
Several Older in town buildings to be turned into Shithouse Skyscrapers! Elevator will have attendent.
Chicago police develop computer to predict crimes.#3
"So those is our rapist? Wonder who he could have raped at six months old? He just shit. Change him and go apologize to that couple out there."
Chicago police develop computer to predict crimes.#2
"Hey you idiots, the computer isn't always right. Now go bury that corpse at cemetery where you dug it up."
Chicago police develop computer to predict crimes.
"You'll have to come along with us Sir. The machine says that you were planning to rob a bank. You may take along your oxygen tank and we can carry you to the back seat."
Joe Scarborough plans trip to New Hampshire.
Plans to take along some parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme.
True Facts From Snoops #162
Snoops: People with lycanthropy think they are wolves! Howl about that?
True Facts From Snoops #410
Snoops: While Quakers eat a normal amount of Oatmeal, many will tell you that during their proposal to their ladies, they included "Nothing is better for thee than me".
True Facts From Snoops #910
Snoops: Whenever someone tells you that they "didn't have the heart to tell somebody something, they're lying. Hey, everybody has a heart.
True Facts From Snoops #234
Snoops: In 1973, Arabella an Anita were the first spiders to travel in space. "The little guys screamed all the way there and back", states astronaut.
True Facts From Snoops #310
Snoops: The Fabresaurs were greatly-colored small dinosaurs who loved flowers and often paired up with other males until they became extinct.
True Facts From Snoops #471
Snoops: Many dinosaurs horns got bigger as the animal grew larger until most weighed their heads down and they had to eat the little lizards on the ground.
Prop To Split CA Into 6 States Gets OK To Gather Signatures.
GOP demands that total of the six separate sections not be granted anymore votes than now. Threaten to break their states until we have 200.
Germany arrests 3 suspected of being guards at Auchwitz.
All three 100-year-olds sentenced to have heart attack from setting off firecracker explode suddenly behind them.
The War on Men #3
Sperm counts amongst men have significantly decreased. Chemical exposure, weakened from selling sperm to sperm banks for needed money. Same with blood plasma.
The War On Men: 10 Ways Masculinity is Under Attack.#2
Many blame all the doctored beef, pork, chicken products have our all screwed up!
The War On Men: 10 Ways Masculinity is Under Attack.
"Wilma, you don't mind me writing these snippets do you? Is it OK?
'Better, stronger' pot being mailed to people outside CO.
Consumer Warning: Those Pot Banks in Nigeria do not exist. Stop answering mail, sending money.
'Better, stronger' pot being mailed to people outside CO.
People in Washington and Denver asking friends elsewhere to purchase them some that are stronger.
'Sitting disease' increases risk of disability.#2
Ass sizes are expanding at an alarming rate.
'Sitting disease' increases risk of disability.
Human legs are becoming more and more weak until may be useless one day and all need chairs to move around.
OBAMASCARE: Only Doctors In High-Crime Areas Taking New Patients.
So pack up today and move to a high crime area if you're sick a lot?
Alex Ferguson Happy With Decision To Appoint David Moyes
"My brief was to knock Manchester United off their effin' perch and you can effin' well print that."
Woman who looks like Eddie Van Halen Marries High School Teacher Who Also Looks Like Eddie Van Halen
Says she was 'hot for teacher'.
Olympics to See Transgender Being Compete
Sochi - Announced by the Olympic Skating Board is approval for SpongeBobSquarePants to complete in Ladies Free Skating as a transgender entrant. "It's so epic! I feel squishy all over!" he squealed.