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Anti-wrinkle bath oil dropped by helicopter as Somerset is swamped again by storms

Industrial sized bath oil drums were dropped on Somerset by helicopter this morning to avoid women's fingers becoming irreversibly wrinkled. This follows Parabeautician deployment earlier today.

written by Auntie Jean, 16 February 2014
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Hamas official investigated for 'irregularities'

"We need to do some stool tests and maybe an upper GI, colonoscopy", say Investigators.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Winter builds rare icy path to Lake Superior ice caves

Still trying to lure out the Yeti that are said to be living there. "Halloooo the Ice Cave!" Traditional greeting not being answered.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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US skating pair break world record, Jamaicans flop!

How's that again? They won by doing the Jamaican Flop? Never heard of it. Guess that's why it's a record.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Cuomo Proposes Turning NY Prisons Into College Campuses.

A brilliant man says, "if you just go rob a tiny bank you can get your college degree for free. Shoot somebody and you can get a doctorate!"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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'Jet stream shift' could prompt harsher winters.

Weather Channel: Especially while we're going through this Global Warmer episode. Then we here can go to our next big ratings with Tornadoes! Hurricanes!

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Republicans: President violating Constitution, but little can be done about it.

"Plus I got three more years or I might change the law and go another seven!"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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COULTER: Obama 'Would Be Impeached If He Weren't First Black President'.

"But I am and you still gotta live with it, Honky Lady!"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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ROMNEY: Bill Clinton 'embarrassed the nation'

"Should have been left in his office and given a pistol and one bullet."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Possible radiation leak at New Mexico military site #2

Or else the six-legged toads could be a new species of toad.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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KERRY Cries "Climate Change" as he heads toward Volcano Eruption

Also "I'll never drink that stuff again or say a bad word about Mr. Bush and Please let me live."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Olympics Closing Ceremonies: Rolling Stones Out......

Mormon Tabernacle Choir in, states Putin.

written by Wumf, 16 February 2014
Rating:

Mississippians Finally Get Kids to Eat Cucumbers....

youngsters eating pickles soaked in Kool-aid!

written by Wumf, 16 February 2014
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New Worry for Government Over Flood Defences

Eric Pickles is going on a diet.

written by j.w., 16 February 2014
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Alex Ferguson GIVES AWAY Family Silver to Man Selling Magic Beans

Alex Ferguson has reportedly GIVEN AWAY the Ferguson family silver to a man selling magic beans. Tells his wife and sons "Your job now is to stand by these magic beans".

written by VWVonHagen, 16 February 2014
Rating:

Congress Strives to "Clear the Air" When Debating Bills

By joint resolution by both Houses the respective Sargeant-at-Arms will quickly enforce wearing of the now required Flatulence Deodorizers by all members. Undie inspection upon entering is mandatory.

written by Trinculoman, 16 February 2014
Rating:

Hitting Head Repeatedly Off Wall actually DAMAGES Brain New Study Reveals

New Study by Dutch Scientists has found evidence that repeatedly hitting your head off a brick wall actually DAMAGES your brain rather improving it. Severe Headaches and Mood Swings now thought 'bad'.

written by VWVonHagen, 16 February 2014
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Merkel, Hollande discuss communication network bypassing USA.

Or so they think. hee hee hee!

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Today In History #5

In 1968, the nation's first 911 emergency telephone system was inaugurated in Haleyville, Ala. They had to take it back off for three months because of calls for lost dogs, cats & 'Just to say Howdy!"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Today In History #4

In 1945, American troops landed on the Northern Mindanao Island in the Philippines during World War II. They were supposed to land on the island of Corregidor. But they quickly boated across.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Today In History #3

In 1923, the burial chamber of King Tutankhamen's recently unearthed tomb was unsealed in Egypt by English archaeologist Howard Carter who immediately died of a massive hemorrhoids attack.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Today In History #2

In 1868, the Benevolent and Protective Order of Elks was organized in New York City, because of the huge herds of Elk that roamed the city.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Today In History

In 1862, the Civil War Battle of Fort Donelson in Tennessee ended as 12,000 Confederate soldiers surrendered after Union soldiers cooked good smelling BBQ Babyback Ribs as Rebs were starving.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Legacy of Civil Rights Leaders Source of Fights

Rosa Parks man knocks out guy who was always touting Martin Luther King, Jr.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Flight Lands in London After Unruly Man Booted

Pilot and Co-Pilot tell law officers general area where he was booted off plane.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Prisoners' Use of Smuggled Cellphones on the Rise

You mean we get frisked and xrayed at Airports and they can just sneak them in their pockets and not be frisked?

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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8 Old-Time Curses Doctors Swear By

I'm sorry. That should be: 8 Old-Time Cures Doctors Swear By! One is ice. Looks we all got plenty of that.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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New England Hit With Another Winter Blast

"Blast this cold winter weather!", yells are being heard all over the Northeast United States and echoed down south.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
Rating:

Mistrial Declared on Murder Charge in Loud-Music Trial

A Caucasian man was found guilty of the fatal shooting of an African-American teenager over loud music, but a mistrial was declared after the all-black jury broke out their boom-boxes to celebrate.

written by Moose, 16 February 2014
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Entire USA Olympic Skating Team Comes Out of the Closet

SOCHI, RUSSIA - The entire USA Olympic skating team announced today that they are gay.

written by Moose, 16 February 2014
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Prisoner escapes for Valentine's date

Afraid to go back to old girlfriend cellmate. "He'll kill me."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #147

According to Snoops: Every year over one million birds die from flying into glass windows and doors, leaving thousands of lizards laughing their tails off. "Should have kept your scales, bird brains!"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #275

According to Snoops: Frogs live on every continent except Antarctica. 99.9% have never seen a real penguin. Sometimes PETA leaves a few stuffed penguin toys while passing by.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #630

According to Snoops: On average a volcano erupts somewhere in the world every week. Sort of like the wife when you come home drunk on a Saturday night!

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #241

According to Snoops: Male Bower Birds build huge nests using twigs, flowers, toys, CDs, compact mirrors to attract females. Usually the CDs are by Johnny Mathis.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Kerry urges Indonesia to fight climate change

"Your people are much too wealthy to just stand by and let this weather thing take all of us."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Leaders want to keep Russia's history in positive light

"Stalin loved children and bunny rabbits. Often he would give a chap a big slap on the back and tell him 'well done' after an execution."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Kerry tours giant mosque in Indonesia

"Is this the one Edgar Allen Poe wrote about in his 'Red Death' story?"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Possible radiation leak at New Mexico military nuclear waste site

Employee growing second head triggers the investigation.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Canadian bobsledder has wardrobe malfunction.

"Little Bob" pops his head out after zipper fails after slide.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Patients with pre-existing conditions could pay more under Obamacare.

I thought that was why we started the whole mess in the first place..for those whose past sickness didn't count.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Jamaican call for Britain to pay slavery reparations.

Israel calls Egypt for hundreds of years of slavery. Rome will be broke if this starts.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Microphone Transfers Sound Through Touch.

Too bad we didn't have one of these on Monica during the Clinton Administration.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Army Builds 'Fake City' in Virginia to Practice Military Occupation.

"We need volunteers for the fake city. Anyone going to die in a few days anyway?", asks General.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Princes William, Harry sandbag against UK floods.

Prince William slows down as brother ribs him: She's just about worn you out hasn't she?"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Winter Storms Trigger Cabin Fever.

Facebook full of short pics of neighbors running around outside naked or wearing frog feet.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Miley Cyrus Performance

A giant tongue slide, a marijuana leaf leotard and crotch grabbing and that was the just the guy who introduced her.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #240

According to Snoops: New Caledonia Crows are able to make their own tools. The first one made was the crowbar.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #251

Snoops: The best way to survive a tornado if you're caught out in the open, is to flatten yourself on the ground like a pancake, because if something really big lands on you, you will be a pancake.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #609

According to Snoops: The "Big Bang", which scientists say formed our Universe 13.7 billion years ago this May 17th, was more like a balloon popping.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #212

According to Snoops: In "Uncle Pete's" restaurant in East Tennessee, he will fry up any road kill that you bring in. That's $5 with free fries & drink.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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True Facts From Snoops #143

According to Snoops: A church in Barcelona, Spain has been under construction for over 100 years. "Every time we get going, a new priest comes in and changes plans", says 3rd generation builder.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
Rating:

U.S. Gets Biggest Hockey Wins Since "Miracle"

Members of the team to take trip on Pilgrimage Lourdes Fatima later this year.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Climate Change

At last some politicians speaking sense.

written by j.w., 16 February 2014
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Thomas Pynchon revealed as Max Headroom culprit

Writer Thomas Pynchon has been identified as the prankster behind the Max Headroom Incident of 1987. FCC Spokesman "All those bizarre and tedious counter-cultural references, it's gotta be Pynchon."

written by VWVonHagen, 16 February 2014
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Desert Solar Plants are Scorching Flying Birds

Nevada - Studies show that mega-solar plants have been frying flying birds with intense reflected heat. It's just the latest environmental advance in multitasking: eco-power and CO2-free barbequing.

written by Trinculoman, 16 February 2014
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Arrested poets society

Ten poets have been arrested in Ireland for writing awful poems about potatos. One of them submitted his poem for judging in the Nobel Prize. Its expected they will probably get twenty five years.

written by whatinthe world, 16 February 2014
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After Lightning Experiment, Ben Franklin Attracted Magnets

He was able to convince fellow Americans to revolt against England by his magnetic personality.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Kids in School Nowadays Have a short attend..it's over? Thank you.

The average American's attention span is that..Hey look! There's a cat...uh cat burglars it will stop them from...Joe! You the man! You the man! Come here.. & show the folks, Hey folk songs! Kumbya!

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Crocodiles can climb trees: researchers #2

Since 2000 till now over 2,000 Keeblers have made this mistake.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Crocodiles can climb trees: researchers

Though the crocs lack obvious physical features to suggest this is possible, crocs in fact climb trees. "If you think your kids are safe in a treehouse think again. What if a croc comes knocking?"

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Scientists are working on a new contraceptive for women that works for 90 days straight.

"It's called the Piles! "I'm off the pill and on the piles."

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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N Dakota Oil Production Hits Record.

Then why is the price of gasoline going up? Are we selling it abroad?

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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Miley's risque routine with Clinton impersonator.

Ex-President says he could do without the Monica Twerp!

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
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USA get biggest hockey win since 'Miracle'.

White House issues official apology for Hockey team defeating the Russians.

written by Bureau, 16 February 2014
Rating:

Average Adult American expanding....

up 25 lbs. since 1960....about to burst!

written by Wumf, 16 February 2014
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