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Mayor Admits to Crack Smoking but Won't Quit

Toronto--Rob Ford, the embattled mayor of Toronto, has admitted to smoking crack cocaine. When asked about the tenability of his job and his crack smoking he said, "I love it, so I'm not quitting."

written by Mickey Mac Finnigan, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Giant tooth identifies extinct monster platypus in Australia

Either that or a Three-Headed Pusplater that's closely related but would never admit it to any of the higher ups the chain.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Wal-Mart website glitch gives shoppers super bargains #2

"The Pharmacy has Viagra at 100 pills for a dollar! This is big, really big! If I explode, I'll explode happily."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Wal-Mart website glitch gives shoppers super bargains

"Gallon Jars of pickled bologna for 50 cents!", cries man with 15 jars in his basket! "Am I in heaven or what?"

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Review faults NYC on solitary for mentally ill

NYC official: "YOU go in there and see if you can get them to eat while they're throwing crap at you! Then come back and tell us what you think."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Chris Christie Wins Re-Election in New Jersey

"As they say in the south, "This makes me feel hog wild and pig crazy!"

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Top U.S. insurer expects Obamacare enrollment extension

"They will probably delay it another four years, but ten years is out of the question. that would be silly."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Lead author of Obamacare law criticizes administration over rollout

"It's as plain as his nose in the air", he stated. "Although I'll admit I had fun putting in a few things that didn't exist. So far, none of our country's Great Minds have found them in either Party."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Fla. teacher suspended for forcing 4th-grader to participate in Pledge of Allegiance

"I told the kid that he could just pretend that it was the Allegiant AirAirlines>"

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Average Wait For Vets To Receive Disability Decision In TX: 354 Days!

"At least it's not a whole year", says Texas Veterans Administration.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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NYC: De Blasio to begin new era of liberalism 2

Over 1,000 new park benches brought into city parks for poor and bottom lower class winos.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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NYC: De Blasio to begin new era of liberalism

Smoking now OK'd in the lung cancer hospital wards.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

REPORT: 49.7 Million Americans Living in Poverty.

Or as they say in Haiti, "Lower Upper Class"!

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #1441

According to Snoops: Milli Vanilli, after the discovery that they only lip sync songs, changed their names to Elaborate Ruse and won still another Grammy.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Surgeon Pleads Guilty to Fraud for Faking Surgeries

Former patients plead "Dead as a Doornail!" Plan to haunt doc to death.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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True Facts From Snoops #508

According to Snoops: The very first color Crayola Crayons made, starting in the early 1900's, was Alizarion Crimson.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Picasso among art stolen by Nazis

It had been painted over by Hitler's "Duck and Horsey".

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Atheist gets her day at Supreme Court

"First of all, I don't believe in a "Supreme" Court and I'm not talking to something that doesn't exist!"

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Obamacare launch worse than thought

Plus it was originally thought to be a total fiasco!

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

What the world would look like if all the ice melted

Experts bring out blown up photographs Noah took from the ark.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Oldest woman to run in New York marathon dies next day

Doctors say her time just ran out.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Impressionist, modern art falls short in New York sale

Christie's of New York say it's due to so many people wasting their investments by purchasing food, fuel and guns.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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4 Ways to Avoid Running Out of Money in Retirement

There's Beg, Borrow, Steal or become an attorney or a politician.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Greenhouse gas volumes reached new high in 2012 - WMO

They recommend that everyone hold off building any more greenhouses made until further studies completed.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Election Day 2013 tells us little about 2014 and even less about 2016

Also, if we'll still a country by then.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Massive trash island heads toward West Coast.

Thus far, it appears only Mary Ann has survived, although Gilligan may appear as trash in long-range sightings.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

JITTERS: Malls prepare to keep holiday shoppers safe.

"We have designated areas where you can slide out of stores after purchases...sorta like airplanes. Also, every fifth dummy will be a policeman."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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China seeks world role for 'people's money'

U.S. Treasury: We can make those too.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Florida woman credits hypnotist for her stopping cigarette smoking.

"He's a great guy. I still don't know why we have to do the sessions in the nude, but it works."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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BOOM: MERCEDES-BENZ sales reach new record

Company credits workmanship, attention to detail, old Janis Joplin song they play at the dealerships.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Colorado voters approve 25% tax on recreational pot.

Old Hippies: "Hey, forget that tax crap. Grow your own."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Incognito becomes NFL's No. 1 villain.

However, Michael Vick set a record as the most hated for three years!

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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Doctors say Venezuela's healthcare in collapse.

GOP: This is a preview of here in a few years if Obamacare launched.

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
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TRICKS: Obama Campaign Bundler Helped Fund 'Libertarian'

President: "I guess I'm going to have to do everything myself. Never worked with so many screw-ups. None of this is my fault."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Three gun companies quit NY.

Gun owners: "If we need more weapons we can just go south or the Midwest until they establish new companies there."

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

After Plagiarism Charges, Rand Paul Announces Office Restructuring.

"Four score and seven years ago my opponents began smearing my name of my grandfather, then my dad, then me!"

written by Bureau, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Rutles reappear

Ron,Dirk,Stig and Nasty AKA The Rutles are getting back togther to perform some elaborate financial stings otherwise known as "concerts". The foursome will appear naked in aid of Samaritans. Great!

written by whatinthe world, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Boris: Cameron thanking god for Russell Brand.

London Mayor today said that PM David Cameron was "On his knees thanking god for Russell Brand" as the comic moved from telling Tory opponents not to vote to whipping up support for Dave with the Mail

written by John_L, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Thosands Of Inmates In English Prisons Escape, Dressed As Female Relatives

'I thought old George's sister bore a remarkable family resemblance to him,' said one duped prison officer. 'She even had a beard!'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 November 2013
Rating:

Bikini-clad Baristas Arrested for Serving More Than Coffee

Now that's a HOT story.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 06 November 2013
Rating:

NASA design thrilling invention

NASA has denied making a new refrigerator for space travel but are instead drafting a building elevator that goes from floor to floor at the speed of light. Cynics are not convinced and neither am I.

written by whatinthe world, 06 November 2013
Rating:

NASA develop new kitchen appliance

NASA have denied designing a new generation microwave oven but claim instead to have developed a refrigerator that can be doubled as a space vehicle taking humans into interstellar space. Golly gosh!!

written by whatinthe world, 06 November 2013
Rating:

NASA come up with modern hardware

Engineers at NASA have designed a microwave oven that draws its heat source not from the power grid but from a solar panel on board the International Space Station. Oh come on surely this is not true.

written by whatinthe world, 06 November 2013
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