Order by:
Rating:

Asteroid to wipe out earth! Only two minutes left!

I'm gonna have sex with all the female co anchors. Really glad about premature ejaculation.

written by Lord Alcoholiam2, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Janet Yellen Shames GOP For Austerity, Being Terrible

"They had the nerve to ask me to tell the truth. Can you imagine that? And in the nation's capital!"

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Colleges Skeptical of Obama's Proposed Ratings

"He's got the Midas Touch in reverse", says college professor. "Look what he's done with everything else."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Study Shows Anti-Wrinkle Cream Really Works

"We're just as surprised as the rest of you", says company that makes it.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Where did dogs first appear? DNA points to Europe

"I agree most certainly", says drunk on the street. "That's where all the wars happen and everybody's heard about the 'dogs of war'. Experts seriously thinking over his reasoning.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Obama: 'We Fumbled the Rollout on This Health Care Law'

Obama set to announce health care fix, allowing people to keep their plan for a year. "Then we can fumble it again."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Dick Cheney: 'It's my new heart, not someone else's old heart' #2

"The next person that calls my new heart someone else's heart gets shot in the face!"

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Dick Cheney: 'It's my new heart, not someone else's old heart'

"Plus it's not true that it shank when they placed it inside my chest. I'm not the Grinch!"

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

AMTRAK serves free wine, loses millions in taxpayer money.

No wonder there have been so many train mishaps. Staff on trains must be helping themselves.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Kanye West Cedars Sinai Maternity Ward Controversy

The rapper and new father apparently interrupted other births and told patients "Yo that's cool that you made a cute baby, but Kim Kardashian already made the cutest baby."

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Windmills Still Killing Thousands of Bug-Eating Bats

Solar panels fry birds along major migration path. How many other species being killed off so we can have another 5% energy increase.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Boston Man Thrown Out Of Restaurant

After tasting his meatloaf, he began pointing to it and "Meow! Meow!" very loud!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #443

According to Snoops: Bazyli Zebrizenski was actually the inventor of the Pole Vault although he wasn't an athlete but a carpenter who watched kids jump mud puddles while eating his lunch.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #993

ccording to Snoops: "Bucky Dent" was a baseball player for the Chicago White Sox & New York Yankees and not a rodeo clown as many assume.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

New study shows careers and college majors often don't match

Majoring in Drama & Theater Production doesn't help you sell those fries with burger orders.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

CBSNews.com to stream 1963 broadcast coverage of JFK assassination

CBS is getting desperate for viewers. They seem to forget that most people don't even remember Kennedy.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

First case of new bird flu found in 20-year-old woman

"This is not exactly the same as the old bird flu but we're testing to see if the same shots are needed", says WHO doctor.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Volkswagen Recalls 2.6 Million Cars

'It was me who recalled them,' admitted the VW engineer who fought over a Golf in the controversial 2009 TV advert. 'I don't trust those bastards who buy our cars to look after them properly.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 November 2013
Rating:

CLAIM: Company invents first 'vegan' condom.

Forget the lambskin. Use the new Banana Peel!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Home sellers discover hidden new Obamacare tax.

"Lose your insurance, lose your job and pay extra taxes to sell your house so you can move to find another job. Washington has pulled the Hat trick", says disgruntled citizen.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

FLASHBACK: Hillary Clinton 2007: 'If you have a plan you like, you keep it'.

Bill Clinton says she would have kept her word.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Dems In Distress

Jimmy Carter's grandson calls it 'a mess'. It's not printable what others are saying.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Oldest Person In UK Dies Aged 113

'There is no evidence of foul play,' said a police spokesman. 'However, everyone who has become the oldest UK resident has died within a relatively short period. We are treating this as suspicious.'

written by Swan Morrison, 14 November 2013
Rating:

International House of Pancakes The Leader

A spokesman for IHOP claims that they have more old sea captains gathered daily that Long John Silvers and Captain D's put together.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Andy Warhol's Next Painting Coming Up Saturday Auction

"Cans of Jack Mackerel" expected to bring in over a million dollars.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #327

According to Snoops: Winston Churchill kept the same unlit cigar in his mouth all during World War II. Accidentally swallowed it when voted out of office later.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Warhol painting fetches record $105M at auction

"Scene From A Campbell's Soup Assembly Line at the Factory" brings in record amount.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

A minimum wage, but not much of a living

"Our vacation last year was a trip in the car to the mailbox across the road to get travel brochures to dream about", says one lady.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Neo-Nazi learns he's part African

Great, great Aunt was a pygmy from Congo with same name as his daughter.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Life on Earth traced back 3.5B years

"Holdup right now is due to over 300,000 people named Og, says Guy behind computers and charts.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Cruise ship passenger overboard

"First time that's happened since yesterday", says tired Coast Guard Commander.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Big-wave surfer missing

Police theorize that he may have been drowned by a big wave.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Hackers attack Obamacare site

"That's it", says Nancy Pelosi. "People can't sign up for Obamacare because of (what was it again?) Hackers! (What's hackers? They spit on people?).

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #1212

According to Snoops: Radio Shack avoided bankruptcy by deciding to sell other items besides radios and shacks.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #430

According to Snoops: Amish females can also grow a beard. "It's no longer forbidden", says elder. "However, a wife's beard cannot be longer than that of her husband."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #2999

According to Snoops: The early 1960's Bay of Pigs Invasion failed because the troops were mired down in pig mud plus thousand of pigs.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Turkey lifts ban on trousers for women MPs in parliament

"Just so they don't lift them too high", state officials.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

UN: 'Killer Robots' could be outlawed.

Killer Robots: "I'll Be Back!"

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Pentagon Drones To Scan Eyes From Distance.

Record number in United States drop citizenship. "We came here for freedom and ran into Government controlled everything", say many. Others just don't want to pay high taxes.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Elderly man ordered to remove wife's grave from front yard.

U.S. Government spies sent out to check where you have pets buried.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Israel says West discussed big sanctions cut with Iran

Have video of Iran leader forcing Western reps to do the Bunny Hop, Hokey Pokey!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

ore Surveillance cameras installed nantionwide

Many show people on other side of street putting up more Surveillance equipment.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Seattle police deactivate surveillance system after public outrage.

Also, after everyone has a personal file completed.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Intelligence agency seeks facial recognition upgrade.

We also need one to recognize the size of brains before we hire new people.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

STUDY: Businesses cut full-time workers to meet mandate.

We have had to cut back to 4 hours a day in order to avoid paying insurance and if forced to have it, we'll lay off half our people.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

White House tries to salvage Obamacare, Dems in distress.

VP Joe Biden: I've lost my insurance too!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

The Hulk - Cancelled

NBS has disappointed fans by announcing that the new series of the Hulk has been cancelled, after David Banner received Anger Management Therapy.

written by IainB, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Disney Producing New Reality TV Show Following Justin Bieber Exploits

Execs leaked the concept recently and its title, Leave It To Bieber.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Selena Gomez Comments On Ex-Bieber's Antics

"I know he's better than that," she said regarding footage of Justin sleeping while a Brazilian girl blows kisses at him, "with me he would have been hittin' it up, down, sideways, left, and right."

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Satire Writer Reveals Truth About Celebrity Misgivings

"Yeah, I gripe about public fixation on celebrities," states writer Tony B., "but the truth is on some level I wish that I was famous enough that the public would gripe about MY misbehavior."

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

STUDY: Crack and Mayoral Bobbleheads

Recent studies show links between crack use and higher rates of profitability and sales on Mayoral "Bobblehead" dolls as evidenced in recent sales reports of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford "Bobbleheads".

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Man Discovers His Unique Name "John Jacob Jingleheimer-Schmitt" Not So Unique

"His name is my name too," said a man of the same name.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

"Biggest Loser" Trainer Jillian Michaels Caught Cheating

She got caught giving her team caffeine supplements. What a loser! She should win.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Undetectable Guns a Law Enforcement Challenge

Guns made of undetectable plastic? This is a working firearm when ammo (that IS able to be detected) accompanies it. Otherwise it is a high tech toy. Quite a challenge, indeed.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

"50 Shades of Grey" Film Delayed Until 2015

We don't want a premature ejacu- . . . er, umm, introduction, states a spokesman for the production.

written by Tony Bagodonutz, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Study: Social Networking Sites Overtake Porn As Internet's #1 Search

"People are talking more about the new grandbaby, who is feeling poorly, etc than viewing naked people. Things have went from the porch, the telephone & now this. I don't mean the porn" says reporter.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Man arrested in Britain for Playing Naked in Cow Manure

Claims he hates brother who plays naked in horse hockey!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Surgeon pioneers new technique to CHANGE the shade of the iris

Next big thing? "We'll soon be able to create a third eye in the back of your head."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Sandra Bullock should have been wearing Diapers!

Astronaut explains why her tight underwear worn in Gravity is unrealistic. "Sort of like the old cowboys knocking the bad guy off their horse, fight for five minutes and no one loses a hat."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Toronto City Council asks Mayor Rob Ford to go away

"That is, if you can walk and find the door...now stop that crying, I'm not your buddy."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Toronto crack mayor warns more scandal to come.

"Oh I'm a whole lot worse than you have found out so far. In fact, I'm higher than a kite right now."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Prairies vanish in push for green energy.

PETA accuses Greenpeace of being radicals. Greenpeace replies, "See what you caused us to do." President: "Not my fault!"

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

Pelosi claims nearly 5X more signed up than numbers show.

"None of us can hold a candle to the Pelosi exaggerations", says VP Biden. I keep my distance because of the lightning."

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #7702

According to Snoops: A recent poll revealed that over 99% of all males wish that they were bigger!

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
Rating:

True Facts From Snoops #455

According to Snoops: Briefly, during the 1980's, a group of Navajo Indians took over a U.S. nuclear site in Utah. It was finally resolved when the U.S. agreed to build 50 casinos on Indian territory.

written by Bureau, 14 November 2013
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