Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 19 March 2013
Plane-load of cash impounded
Cypriot baggage handlers have expressed surprise at finding 650,000 euros in a bag on a flight from the UK. Cypriot customs have confirmed that there were indeed 450,000 euros in the bag. More soon.
How to blow 1,8 million quid in 5 minutes!
Ask twat lottery winner who blew it all!
The Black Eyed Peas, Will.i.am Announces A Name Change
The leader of The Black Eyed Peas, Will.i.am says that he will be changing his name to the more politically correct Will.i.is.
Kirstie Alley Does The Harlem Shake
Kirstie Alley is reportedly furious after she was warned by the LAPD not to ever do the Harlem Shake in public again.
Lindsay Lohan Is Already Planning Her Escape
Lindsay Lohan says if she gets sent to prison she will dig her way out within 48 hours.
Nicki Minaj Finally Explains Her Tardiness
Nicki Minaj, American Idol judge, explained that the reason she was late to last week's show was because she got her gigantic butt stuck in a revolving door at a Beverly Hills cosmetic's shop.
Miley Cyrus May Go Back To Her Old Ways
Miley Cyrus has said that if ex-fiancé Liam Hemsworth doesn't get back together with her, she is going to revert back to her old ways and give old guys lap dances, pole dances, and Laker tickets.
Wynonna Judd Talks About Dancing With The Stars
Wynonna Judd said the reason why she went on Dancing With The Stars is to lose about 4 or 5 pounds and to promote an upcoming album of anti-Taylor Swift songs.
The Reason Why Tiger Fell For Lindsey Vonn
Tiger Woods says that one of the reasons why he fell in love with his new girlfriend Lindsey Vonn is because she is the whitest white blonde girl he has ever seen, and of course white is his favorite color.
One of The Reasons Why Mrs. Bill O'Reilly Divorced Bill
Bill O'Reilly's wife has stated that one of the reasons why she divorced him was because she got sick and tired of him sitting around the house and using the phrase fair and balanced at least a dozen times a day.
Lisa Rinna Says She's Going To De-Lip a Bit
Lisa "Lips" Rinna says that she has to get about a pound of silicon removed from each lip otherwise she's afraid she'll develop Chelsea Handler's whining voice.
Dancing With The Stars Said No To Gisele Bundchen
Gisele Bundchen (Mrs. Tom Brady) was to have appeared on Dancing With The Stars but producers were afraid she would brutally degrade, insult, and attack the three judges.
"You dirty Mayor!"
Boris Johnson admits: "I'd love a crack at PM"....later retracts statement saying he actually mean't: "I'd love a go at the PM's crack!"
Rupert Murdoch Very angry and press deal
The press boss has summoned David Cameron to explain himself and hinted that the photos will be published if Dave doesn't do as he says.
Accountants take to streets
Hostile forensic accountants have marched on the capital of Latvia, Riga, in a bid to humiliate financial auditors who they accuse of unorthodox work practises."They're pure scum" said one protester.
Zoologists lose good nature
Angry zoologists have taken to the streets of Birmingham to protest at the number of people who incorrectly spell the word "zoologist" in letters and emails. Residents accused them of being pedants.