Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 26 June 2013
Georgia town bans saggy pants
Next to go: "lumpy pants"! "Anything to hassle us drunks!", says staggerbyer.
Newly found planets may have life
"You call THIS a life?', asks Xeroppleyummerechh, while pointing at barren wasteland.
Square roots? Scientists say plants are good at math
Bud really bad at dance, sports, driver's ed and band.
Sen. Pelosi told to take a hike
Sen. Nancy Pelosi was banned from a San Francisco nude beach. "We have our standards," lifeguards said.
Naked man arrested
A naked Oregon man who raped his wife and killed a lamb was arrested for cruelty to animals. "In Oregon, we don't take lightly to animal abuse," police said.
Google supports gay rights
In support of the Supreme Court's rulings on DOMA and Proposition 8, Google has instiututed a new policy: only gays can now use the company's search engine. Its new motto decrees, "Be gay or go away!"
Heidi Klum has tattoo removed
Has-been model Heidi Klum is having a tattoo removed from her right arm. "The rest of my body is completely covered in ink," she said, "from head to toe; I need space for my latest man's name."
Scotty Pippin due in court, rather than on court
Former NBA star Scotty Pippin, arrested for assault, said he looks forward to his day in court. "My case is a slam dunk," he predicted. The prosecutor agrees: "For us, it is."
Man rips off penis
A Columbus, OH, idiot ripped off a penis after ingesting "magic mushrooms." The adult bookstore from which he stole the dildo won't press charges. "He needs it worse than we do," the owner said.
Deen's name to be removed from Caesars buffets
"That ******* Honky done made us all fat. Outa be sent to cook goats in Afghanistan!", says one interviewee.
National Institutes of Health plans to reduce use of chimps in research
"We got to talking over coffee and George says, "Why are we using monkeys when there's all these humans out of work?" Chimp Union to file lawsuit.
Baby Wipes Clogging Sewer Systems In Small Minn Town
Local radio station shut down after DJ plays The Surfarys "Wipe Out" over 50 times.
Tourists on Arctic adventure holiday set adrift on 30-mile slab of ice.
Most are being hassled, pointed out and laughed at by old people floating by.
NYC 'Now Flooded With Drones'
People in Central Park placing bets on who gets blown up next.
Funeral Homes to Have more Drive-Through Viewing!
"Also, Gramps will be waving "Bye Bye" at the grandkids", says funeral directer.
Temps To Reach 120 Degrees In West.
Many in Hollywood fear melting implants. "We'll be like snail people" sobs one.
Unnamed Mideast buyer offers $2.1B for Empire State Building. #2
Mayor Bloomberg Still haggling over Brooklyn Bridge. "They fall for this stuff all the time. Bridge has already been sold over 2,000 times."
Unnamed Mideast buyer offers $2.1B for Empire State Building.
"Sold!", says Mayor Bloomberg. "Plus we'll throw in the big monkey for free."
Obama reacts to DOMA ruling
President Obama reacted to the Supreme Court's ruling against the Defense of Marriage Act's constitutionality by announcing his plans to divorce the First Lady and marry former senator Barney Frank.
Doctors baffled by woman who cries BLOOD
"She also mentions her dog, "Spot". It sounds like she is giving him a cussing!", says doctor in charge.
Layoffs at CNN
Including all cameramen at talk, news shows. Interviewers and interviewees will take turns walking before single stationary camera.
PENTAGON: Country 'safer' with openly gay troops.
"Our foes men will fear losing ANY battles!"
US to cut 10 combat brigades.
To be replaced by 10 United Nations Brigades. Hmmmmmmmm.
Weiner encouraged by Supreme Court Marriage Ruling!
THRUSTS INTO LEAD!
Bill Clinton hails court for striking down defense of marriage act
Hillary comes out of closet as does two congressmen, Tweety Bird.
National Cathedral Rings Bells to Cheer Gay Marriage
Big Ding Dongs heard for miles and miles.
OBAMA: I won't force churches to conduct gay weddings.
Advisers hurriedly remind President "neither in mosques".
Court strikes down Defense of Marriage Act.
Next they will consider "The Weiner Wave" at sporting events.
More On Paula Deen
While her cookbooks are being pulled from the shelves in Blue states, they are shipped immediately to Red states where they are selling like..well..hotcakes!
Another Flying Lawn Chair
"We're the poor country's drones", says group leader as they fly over Haiti. "Hey! Whose banana peel hit that squirrel?"
President Obama Still In Africa
In speech he states that trading with African countries could bring in as much as $10,000 to US a year.
GOP Presidential Hopefuls Drawing Up Plans For 2016
At least two dozen have locked themselves in rooms watching old Ronald Reagan movies.
History Channel Accused of Inciting Riots Over Past Wars
Weather Channel accused of hurting global warming cause. "FBI warns Weather Channel to 'cool it'."
More Electric Cars Sold!
"Over 295 in the past year", says Democrat Congressman. "The more we build, the cheaper we can make them for the average citizen..maybe even under $100,000 for the small ones."
President announces "We will double solar, power by 2020.
From an estimated two percent to four percent.
Fire Dept. Head Shaking His Head As Fire Continues
Three-Story house owned by hoarder still burning after six days.
Congress reacts to US Supreme Court ruling on DOMA
In response to the Supreme Court's ruling that the Defense of Marriage Act is unconstitutional, lawmakers may outlaw gays, lesbians, bisexuals, and transgender persons of "either or both sexes."
Jesus gay? No USA!
As the US goes gay, Jesus has decided to pack his bags and leave the continent. He feels his work is done there and now wishes to retire in the Gobi Desert; say's it all actually...
Hidden cam catches man masturbating
A hidden camera caught Ostersund resident Per Edstrom masturbating after he had mounted his bicycle. "What's the big deal?" he demanded when arrested. "I was just going for a joy ride!"
Radford grads: "school's diplomas are not worth the paper they're printed on"
Radford University handed its graduates diplomas laden with misspelled words and other "typos," angering students. The school promised "wee wont make no moor Miss Takes in thee future."
DOMA ruled unconstitutional
The US Supreme Court has ruled: the Defense of Marriage Act is "unconstitutional." Even as Congress prepares to amend the Constitution to outlaw the Court, Las Vegas plans for more same-sex weddings.
Matt Lauer badgers Paula Deen
To generate ratings for his NBC freak show, Today, Matt ("The Rat") Lauer badgered Paula Deen until she cried, as Ann Curry did when he had her fired. Next up: John Boehner, who "cries well."
The Voice?...what Voice?
Kimbery-Clark Ltd report massive increase in sales of Kleenex tissues prior to the Voice finals...hosted by Holly Airbags wearing a revealing dress...Will.i.Am even changed his name to Well.i.Never!
It is reported that Victoria Beckham would like husband David to play James Bond.......cue squeaky high piched voice:.."the name's Bond, James Bond"....mind you Vinnie Jones would make a great Blofeld
Monica Lewinsky auctions infamous blue dress
Monica Lewinsky is auctioning the dress she wore as an intern while servicing former President Bill Clinton in the Oval Orifice. Bidding on the "slightly stained" dress starts at $25 million.
Winkler apologizes for being a racist
Ryan Winkler (D-MN) apologized for being a racist after calling Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas "an Uncle Tom." Actor Henry Winkler may sue the representative for defaming the Winkler name.
Kate Gosselin: "I am not a racist"
Kate Gosselin defended herself against racism after slanting her eyes in a Twitter photo, as if she were mocking Asians: "Some of my best friends are chinks and Japs!"
Kate Gosselin explains herself
Kate Gosselin, responding to charges that her slanting of her eyes in a recent Twitter photo was "racist" said, "I wasn't insulting anybody. I had something in my eye---both of them."
Anthony Weiner outstrips frontrunner
Democrat Anthony Weiner is ahead by a penis in his New York City mayoral race against dickless rival Christine Quinn.
IRS agents' taxpayer-provided credit cards prove Americans love porn
According to the IRS, more American taxpayers' money is spent on porn than is spent on booze, broads, or betting. "We know," one agent said, "because we buy this stuff on their behalf."
Mick Jagger taunts Obama during Washington, DC concert
Mick Jagger told a crowd that President Obama was "listening in" on his Stones concert via NSA eavesdropping equipment "because he likes good music, even if he pretends to be into only gangsta rap."