Spoof news snippets from Friday 4 January 2013
Dove Returns To Somerset Village With An Olive Branch In Its Beak
'This is indeed joyous news,' said one resident. 'It means that dry land may be just beyond the horizon.'
Church Of England Accepts Gay Male Bishops If They Commit To Remaining Celibate
'We will also accept women bishops if they commit to a sex change,' confirmed a spokesman for the General Synod. 'After all, we don't want to appear medieval in our thinking.'
Another Environmental Epiphany
Rabid environmentalists have found that human consumption of food by Earth's 6 billion people on any given day produces millions of tons of waste products the next day!
Entitlements
Since President Obama was reelected to a second term, the ObamaPhone lady in Cleveland OH wants a free federal government provided ObamaLexus!
President Obama's First Proposition
Taxes + Revenue = Overspending
At an Obama Press Conference
PRES. OBAMA: The Republicans should agree to pass the middleclass tax cut extension and we'll talk about spending cuts later. REPUBLICANS: Do you plan to try to sell us a bridge in Brooklyn also?
What Fiscal Cliff?
President Obama actually wanted the Bush tax cuts to expire so the middleclass can pay for more foolish federal government giveaway programs like free ObamaPhones!
Free Shipping to Members
PETA members were advised to eat nutria (semi aquatic rodents) on Thanksgiving Day, as the organization's Norfolk VA headquarters has been overrun with the critters!
Hamas Using Human Shields
Hamas had launched Schmuck rockets from sites in Gaza adjacent to hospitals, schools and playgrounds to hit Israel's civilian population. Oops that should be Hamas Schmucks have launched rockets....
Will the House Minority Whip Become a Republican?
The Liberal Democratic Minority Whip from Maryland had the race card played against him by the Congressional Black Caucus because they wanted the third banana from South Carolina in this position!
You Think Florida is Screwed Up
In Syria 60,000 Muslims are killed, Turkey shells Syria and rockets are fired into Israel from Gaza, while the Arab street is silent. Israel retaliates against the rockets and the Arab street whines!
We Knew Nothing!
LONE RANGER: Palestinians complained about Israeli aggression for responding to rockets fired from Gaza. TONTO: What part of don't fire rockets into Israel doesn't Hamas understand?
Terpsichorean in Chief
President Obama held a press conference where for almost one hour he tapped danced, but provided no information to the American people!
No Obama Answer about Benghazi
PRES. OBAMA: Republicans attacked Susan Rice, my UN toady, who I really wanted to nominate as Secretary of State (SoS). REPUBLICANS: At least Democratic SoS H Clinton has some testicular fortitude!
Too Much Power Corrupts
LONE RANGER: Rep. Pelosi (D-CA) has changed her mind and runs again to be the Democratic House Minority Leader. TONTO: She's the poster lady for term limits!
President Obama and Revenue
LONE RANGER: Obama indicates he is not wedded to a specific tax proposal, but WH Press Secretary Carney indicates a veto unless the rich are fleeced more. TONTO: Obama still speaks with forked tongue!
President Obama's Tax Redistribution Policy
LONE RANGER: Obama plans to tax wealthy Republicans, redistributing their money to Democratic green energy companies. TONTO: The selected recipients will become rich as their companies go bankrupt!