Spoof news snippets from Thursday 17 January 2013
"Whoa there!" say Tesco's
Tesco have announced a new 'zero tolerance policy' to any more customers pitching up to the meat counter and telling the butcher that they "are so hungry they could eat a horse"
Horseburgers or hamburgers; sex or no sex?
The horse-meat burger scandal rocking Britain is not as bad as it seems because horseburgers make people thin, hamburgers make them fat and anybody who eats them turns into a 'mercurial stud'!
"Just put a bloody cross on it Mildried!"
It is estimated that up to a third of Conservaties voters will back the UKIP at the next election, the other two-thirds will be watching Eastenders will the working classes!
Dippy-dappy-doo!
Living afterbirth and N-Dubz personage, Dappy found guilty over fight, also found guilty of stealing oxygene daily!!
Obama cheesed off
"Why does everybody hate me?" cried an incredulous President Obama after an opponent sent him a trailer full of plastic toy guns in reaction to his new anti gun legislation. "F..k'em" he added.
Endangered Species, Maybe
Hurricane Sandy necessitates construction of a seawall around Sea Gate on the tip of Coney Island in Brooklyn, NY. Environmentalists object because of the endangered "Coney Island White Fish!"
Welcome to the Twilight Zone
A high level White House source indicates President Obama has discussed tax rates with MSNBC News' two liberal left Democratic big spending experts Rachel Maddow and the Reverend Al Sharpton!
New Iranian President Wanted
Iranian Mullahs fire President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad after the UN meeting in NYC when he admitted eating a Kosher Hebrew National hot dog and trying to purchase 72 virgins!
Big Spender Anonymous Meeting Needed
LONE RANGER: President Obama wants complete authority to raise the national debt limit. TONTO: That's like giving an unlimited credit card to an alcoholic to use at the liquor store!
Millions of Participants Expected
NYC Mayor Bloomberg has proposed a competition to raise money to aid Hurricane Sandy victims. Contestants will be asked to chug-a-lug 32 ounce sugary soft drinks at $25,000 each underwritten by FEMA!
Mideast Gladiators
Sunnis & Shiites have agreed not to kill each other Monday thru Saturday. On Sunday any arena or stadium available can be used to slaughter each other, avoiding nonparticipating innocent bystanders!
Sad Day
The days of eating lox on a Twinkie during a bagel bakers strike in L.A. CA may be over! (Thank you Johnny Carson!)
Other Voices
Armenia called Turkey "a terrorist nation" for killing 1.5 million Armenian civilians in 1915. The Kurds also voiced their opinion that Turkey is "a terrorist nation."
S**t Happens
Peace finally came to the Middle-East after a surprise s**t storm buried the Iranian nuclear development facilities and the current fanatical leadership under 50,000 tons of brown smelly material!
Amateurs Shouldn't Play in the Big Pond
UN Ambassador Susan Rice screwed up by not asking the right questions about the talking points she was espousing. US House liberal female and/or black member's cried race and gender discrimination!