Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 16 January 2013
JP Morgan halves Jamie Dimon-Jubilee's annual rake-off
Watch as they push him over the fiscal cliff early next week.
Obama sets out drastic overhaul of US gun flaws
Second Amendment about rights to 'bear' arms to extend to pandas
Gang of Robbers Break-In to Milton Keynes Swimming Pool
At least five robbers were caught in an attempted robbery at the swimming pool in Milton Keynes. They were chased by the police and jumped into the deep end, thus causing a mini crime-wave!
Lady Gaga buys Neverland!
Loony Lady Gaga has bought Michael Jackson's Neverland because his ghost still haunts the place and has wrote Lady a brand new song called; "I'm mad so mad!" She's also bought Shutter Island!
Oprah: "He came clean but not in the manner I expected"
Reportedly Armstrong admitted all whilst doing a handstand
Cameron sued by DC Comics
DC comics are to sue the Prime Minister over what they perceive as an unauthorized impersonation of their character two face. This after viewing his recent comments on Europe.
TwinkieGeddon Hits USA and Creates Jobs
The lack of Twinkies is expected to cause a need for more psychiatrists/child psychologists as adult and children's anxieties grow; and FDA agents to confiscate Chinese confectionary knockoffs!
Delayed Sexually Transmitted Disease
Have you or a loved one worked in a bordello, even briefly as a summer job. You may have been exposed to DSTD, having a 30 yr. incubation time. Call the Law Offices of Clap & Clap at 1-800-WAY-LATE!
Real Solutions
Congress mandates unelected bureaucrats tear the 25,000 pages of new federal regulations into little squares in preparation for what the American people want done with these intrusive restrictions!
Deep Throat Two
Talking points from the CIA to the White House were altered to remove any reference to terrorist activity at the US embassy in Bengasi Libya & then given to Susan Rice. A document leak is coming!
You Elected Them
Left wing Congressional Democrats are unconcerned about runaway spending which is hurting the US economy, but are concerned about too much caffeine in energy drinks!
Union Ding Dongs
A small bakers' union stubbornness during negotiations has caused the shutdown of Hostess. The results are the loss of 18,500 jobs & much-needed tax revenue from numerous US plants & retail outlets.
A No Brainer
A tax has been proposed on the lack of fiscal sense of both the Democratic House minority leadership and the Democratic Senate majority leadership. Estimates are $10 trillion can be raised!
You're Not Alone
A famous maker of lady's panties and men's briefs has increased their size. As long as President Obama and the federal government continue to get into American's pants, extra room will be provided!
Shades of George Orwell
Hamas fires rockets from Gaza at Israeli civilians, hiding behind Palestinian civilians and then claims Israeli aggression when Israel strikes back!
Democratic Party King of Maryland
Maryland citizens call for a referendum to send their governor to Washington DC to manage paperclips. This is a response to the governor (king) wanting to restrict MD citizen's right of petitions!
Emergency Preparedness begins at Home
What's the difference between FEMA's response to Hurricane Sandy and Hurricane Katrina? Nothing, FEMA is still a screwed up organization such that states and cities must learn to rely on themselves!
Economic Freedom
The Republican Party can gain a majority of Hispanic voters via outreach as Latinos begin to climb the US economic ladder, open businesses and escape from Obama's Democratic plantation!
The Job Destroyer in Chief
LONE RANGER: President Obama wants to raise corporate taxes during this recession. TONTO: The president speaks with forked tongue and intends to purposely destroy more US jobs!
The Job Destroyer in Chief I
LONE RANGER: President Obama would love to ask Congress for climate change carbon taxes to satisfy his loony left base. TONTO: Obama speaks with forked tongue and intends to destroy more US jobs!
Open Season on Loons
Texas wildlife officials have extended the hunting season for left wing loons because the loon population has grown exceedingly large in some parts of the state!
Government by the Loons
The people of California voted not to label products made with genetically engineered ingredients. The losing left wing loon proponents will now try to lobby unelected FDA Washington DC bureaucrats!
Smart Electorate
LONE RANGER: Americans claim they want the gridlock in Washington DC to end. TONTO: Yet Americans keep electing split houses of Congress, fearful of one party ideological rule!
Politically Correct Destruction
The American Bus Drivers Association (ABDS) has objected to politicians using the expression "thrown under the bus." ABDA has suggested the use of "thrown under the trolley."
Cabinet Change
Following the resignation of CIA Director David Petraeus, President Obama's entire cabinet also resigned. These officials admitted they have been screwing the American people for the last four years!
You Already Knew This
In a bipartisan vote (49 to 1) Florida has been elected as the most f**ked up state in the US!