Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 20 February 2013
Red Arrows safe as long as Cameron is PM Downing Street say
Jobsite report that 12 highly qualified pilots giving their address as RAF Scampton signed up soon after this announcement.
Economic Ins and Outs
Former Sen. Pete Domenici of New Mexico joins ranks of Republicans to father children outside of marriage. Hey, if their policy won't expand the middle class, at least their personal escapades will!
Aiming for the Center
Republican Joe Heck announces support for universal background checks for firearm purchases, suggests "thoughtful discussion." Background check surprisingly confirms Heck is really a Republican.
Job Creator at Work
Mitt Romney to appear at Conservative Political Action Conference next month. Big event marks return to political scene, so casting call goes out for "supporters and friends" to be bused in.
Flying or grounded?
Axminster carpets laid to rest after 250 years..roll on!
London is officially a multi-culti majority!
No more "holy ghost", egg & bacon, pie & mash and a cuppa "Rosy Lee". London has a multi-culti majority as white indigenous Londoners run to the hills; Cotswolds preferably (if they can afford it)!
Wrong Time for Obama to Drive
40,000 motorists protesting the new Keystone Pipeline are mad at Pres. Obama because he played golf with oil execs in Florida instead of breathing their car exhaust at the Mall in Washington.
Countdown to Sequester on "Bar Time"
House Speaker John Boehner blames sequester on "Obama's flailed leadershift," then throws up on microphone. "Here's to Obama!" he shouted, finishing off another pint of rum.
Judge in Pryce case commends single reasonable question
With respect to Huhne and Ms Pryce, the jury asked:
"How did they ever fancy one another?"
A Friend of Hummus
Chuck Hagel can't get enough of that wonderful spread made from chickpeas blended with tahini, olive oil, lemon juice and garlic. In fact, he says, it is popular throughout the Middle East.
Fit to Be Tied
Rush Limbaugh suggests background checks on news media to deny mentally ill access to public airwaves. Later, surprised to find psychiatrist, two large men waiting outside studio with strait jacket.
Horse warning offered
New food products being released on the market must now carry a warning: "may contain traces of horse meat". This goes for canned vegetables, ice cream, yoghurt, herbs and spices, even deodorant.