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'Massive backlash' of Daily Mail readers livid at Kate Middleton stuff

Yeah, sure - a really, really gargantuan percentage of the literate population outraged at yet more daft royal spin.

written by queen mudder, 19 February 2013
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Plastic princess designed by the Tories?

Come off your high horse Dave, everybody knows you've shagged her.

written by queen mudder, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Nick Clegg appears in court on car theft charge

Deputy PM Nick Clegg was released on bail today, accused of stealing a new Bentley from a showroom. "There were some leaflets with a sign saying 'Please take one'" he told reporters, "so I did".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

British Formula 1 driver arrested for speeding

Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 driver, was arrested by police for speeding today. "The officer asked me if I thought I was Stirling Moss" he said, "When I said no, I'm Lewis Hamilton, he arrested me".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

San Francisco Onion Skin

Satire writer in "birthday suit" unable to produce identification establishing actual birth date, arrested for public indecency. It really IS my birthday: Somebody call a lawyer!

written by The San Francisco Onion, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Wayne Rooney resting after writing off new car

Wayne Rooney, Manchester United striker, is resting at home after crashing his brand new £253,000 Lamborghini Aventador just yards from the showroom. He said "Sometimes I just can't control my feet".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Next: Armed Guard in Every Car

Carjacking in Orange County, CA, turns to shooting spree, leaving several dead. Wayne LaPierre says having armed guard at every street intersection in U.S. could have prevented tragedy.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Bill McKibben "comfortable" in hospital

Bill McKibben, founder of 350.org, a campaign to avert global warming, is recovering from hypothermia in a Washington hospital, after attending the Forward on Climate Rally in freezing conditions.

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Crystal Ball cancelled at short notice

Wigan: A special "Crystal Ball" dinner-dance for clairvoyants and their clients was cancelled last night, due to unforeseen circumstances.

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Air Force One to be upgraded

Air Force One is to be fitted with special "balloon" tires to enable it to use grass airstrips and fairways. "We need to be able to reach the president wherever he's at work" said a USAF spokesman.

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Met Office explains poor record on forecasting

"The little man in the Swiss weather house turned out to be gay" said a spokesperson yesterday "Though rain was due he just wouldn't come out".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

Arizona School Board cracks down on weapons

"We'll search the kids on the way in" said a spokesman, "If they haven't got any guns, knives or drugs, we'll give 'em some".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

EPA to rename CO2 in March

The Environmental Protection Agency will refer to carbon dioxide as carbon dioxin from March 2013, to emphasise danger to human health. Soft drinks manufacturers have 6 months to change labelling.

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
Rating:

XL pipeline to be rerouted through Mexico

A govt. spokesman announced the re-routing today. "We get enough wetbacks coming the other way, giving Mexico something we don't want should restore the balance somewhat".

written by MostlyHarmless, 19 February 2013
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