Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 19 February 2013
'Massive backlash' of Daily Mail readers livid at Kate Middleton stuff
Yeah, sure - a really, really gargantuan percentage of the literate population outraged at yet more daft royal spin.
Plastic princess designed by the Tories?
Come off your high horse Dave, everybody knows you've shagged her.
Nick Clegg appears in court on car theft charge
Deputy PM Nick Clegg was released on bail today, accused of stealing a new Bentley from a showroom. "There were some leaflets with a sign saying 'Please take one'" he told reporters, "so I did".
British Formula 1 driver arrested for speeding
Lewis Hamilton, Formula 1 driver, was arrested by police for speeding today. "The officer asked me if I thought I was Stirling Moss" he said, "When I said no, I'm Lewis Hamilton, he arrested me".
San Francisco Onion Skin
Satire writer in "birthday suit" unable to produce identification establishing actual birth date, arrested for public indecency. It really IS my birthday: Somebody call a lawyer!
Wayne Rooney resting after writing off new car
Wayne Rooney, Manchester United striker, is resting at home after crashing his brand new £253,000 Lamborghini Aventador just yards from the showroom. He said "Sometimes I just can't control my feet".
Next: Armed Guard in Every Car
Carjacking in Orange County, CA, turns to shooting spree, leaving several dead. Wayne LaPierre says having armed guard at every street intersection in U.S. could have prevented tragedy.
Bill McKibben "comfortable" in hospital
Bill McKibben, founder of 350.org, a campaign to avert global warming, is recovering from hypothermia in a Washington hospital, after attending the Forward on Climate Rally in freezing conditions.
Crystal Ball cancelled at short notice
Wigan: A special "Crystal Ball" dinner-dance for clairvoyants and their clients was cancelled last night, due to unforeseen circumstances.
Air Force One to be upgraded
Air Force One is to be fitted with special "balloon" tires to enable it to use grass airstrips and fairways. "We need to be able to reach the president wherever he's at work" said a USAF spokesman.
Met Office explains poor record on forecasting
"The little man in the Swiss weather house turned out to be gay" said a spokesperson yesterday "Though rain was due he just wouldn't come out".
Arizona School Board cracks down on weapons
"We'll search the kids on the way in" said a spokesman, "If they haven't got any guns, knives or drugs, we'll give 'em some".
EPA to rename CO2 in March
The Environmental Protection Agency will refer to carbon dioxide as carbon dioxin from March 2013, to emphasise danger to human health. Soft drinks manufacturers have 6 months to change labelling.
XL pipeline to be rerouted through Mexico
A govt. spokesman announced the re-routing today. "We get enough wetbacks coming the other way, giving Mexico something we don't want should restore the balance somewhat".