Spoof news snippets from February 2013
There were 262 spoof news snippets published in February 2013. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Student likes own status on Facebook
RUSH, NY--Sperry High School student Kathleen Conner brought out the rare self-like on a Facebook status she thought was especially witty.
Britain to be assigned AA rating
I know we drink a lot in this country, but to assign us an AA rating is a bit harsh.
Huhne sentenced to re-marry Pryce as 'deterrent'
Human rights groups have reported they are apalled by the severity of the punishment.
Master Of Fox Hounds Slams Tactics Of Hunt Protestors
'The irresponsible yobs kept chanting Findus, just to frighten the horses,' complained the Hunt Master.
It's impolite to ask a lady
New politeness rules governing online forms mean that if the Gender Field is filled in with 'Female' then the Date of Birth or Age fields must be removed from the form.
Ronnie O'Sullivan announces return to snooker
The 'Rocket' served his self-imposed sabbatical in true whirlwind style, taking a years break in only nine months.
First TV in the movies discovered
Film archivists have found the first transvestite in the movies. "It was Lassie," said Cindy Marr.
Plastic princess designed by the Tories?
Come off your high horse Dave, everybody knows you've shagged her.
'Massive backlash' of Daily Mail readers livid at Kate Middleton stuff
Yeah, sure - a really, really gargantuan percentage of the literate population outraged at yet more daft royal spin.
MOODY strips UK of Triple A credit rating
That was one hell of a stag night.
UK in turmoil after losing AAA credit rating.
Chancellor George Osborne has looked down the side and back of the settee, but has not found it.
The government have now urged everyone to buy Triple A batteries instead to boost the economy.
Prince Harry reveals what he would call his children
Prince Harry has said that if he has two boys, he will call then Kyle and Zeke. "I'd love to call them in from playing," he said. "Zeke, Kyle! I'd shout whilst pointing upward at their bedrooms."
85 year-old Volga Olga reveals sexual secrets!
Ancient Russian hag and world famous nymphomaniac, Volga Olga, has revealed her secret recipe for non-stop sex even into the nineties; two tea spoons of Chia seeds and 2 bottles of vodka a day!
......."You're nicked your Highness!"
Operation Yewtree cops arrest Richard the Third skeleton for the murder of two young Princes in 1483!!
Swedish giant forced to eat humble "horse pie!"
Swedish furniture giant, Ikea, not only drives their customers horse-mad whilst building their furniture; they also leave them "chomping at the bit" after eating their meatballs!
Blair admits at last that Iraq is not Mallorca!
After the invasion and attempts to turn Iraq into a friendly holiday destination; Blair admits he has failed miserably and even Billy Butlins has refused to open a holiday camp there!
Who will win NBA Slam Dunk Contest? Better question: who gives a gall-dang?
Similar to the MLB's Home Run Derby during All-Star Game festivities, fans will sort of watch 7-foot-tall players with 3-foot-long arms place a ball in a 10-foot-high basket. Big fucking whoop.
What comes around goes around
School vending machine regulations aimed at reducing childhood obesity attacked by people who got way too much sugar when they were in school and weren't paying attention in health class.
Blowing a Wad of Lies
LONE RANGER: Does Obama violate freedom of religion by handing out condoms?
TONTO: Me read Bible. Condom not around yet, so not in scripture. Me think they use pull-out method, Kemo Sabe!
Couple addicted to coffee enemas, spoof writers thank goodness that the addiction is uncommon
A Florida couple announced they're addicted to coffee enemas, to the point where they'll shoot their ass up four times a day. Spoof writers agree that they can't write headlines any funnier than that.
German Wins €20 Million
82-year-old Hermann von Ratzinger, thought to be Pope Benedict's half brother made a bet with the bookkeepers that the Pope would resign in 2013 with odds of 20,000,000 to 1. He placed a bet of just €20.
Bucking the Trend
LONE RANGER: Marco Rubio says government can't control weather.
TONTO: Him right. Oil company control government and consumer, so oil company control weather. That why Tonto ride horse, Kemo Sabe!
No Weight Behind Her Argument
Pres. Obama says executive orders necessary considering gravity of global warming situation. Michele Bachmann declares laws of physics unconstitutional, dismisses both gravity and global warming.
Ted Nugent Is a Gay Pirate
His threatening remarks led to a Secret Service visit, but Ted Nugent claims, "I threatened the President? Are you kidding me? Why don't you just say that I'm a gay pirate?"
Happy now?
London is officially a multi-culti majority!
No more "holy ghost", egg & bacon, pie & mash and a cuppa "Rosy Lee". London has a multi-culti majority as white indigenous Londoners run to the hills; Cotswolds preferably (if they can afford it)!
Economic Ins and Outs
Former Sen. Pete Domenici of New Mexico joins ranks of Republicans to father children outside of marriage. Hey, if their policy won't expand the middle class, at least their personal escapades will!
Russian washing machine washes too good!
Russia has a super washing machine for laundering their dirty money; there is just one problem, the Mafia and rich Russians always forget to put the coins in the slot and slip out without paying!
Barcelona 0 Real Madrid 3
See - Barca and Lionel Messi are actually human.
Pilot badger culls to go ahead
The RAF are ready for some tough dogfights with the little fellows who are said to have a fleet of MIG fighters given to them by President Putin.
Liverpool's Raheem Sterling has lost his zip
Manager Brendon Rodgers said "It's down to his boutique jeans the zipper is hidden." Stephen Gerrard was able to help with what Rodgers said was "a miracle of dexterity at the cottage upright"
Richard III was not a car park attendant!
History has proven that Richard III was definitely not a car park attendant so the skull found under a car park is not his; it belonged to a medieval Traffic Warden; hunchbacked bastard!
German Jobcentre offer bum job in a brothel!
A German girl was offered a bum job in a brothel by the local Jobcentre. The job was as a cleaning lady and the girl refused because it could become too much of a handful!
No More Steps
In line with the disability discrimination, BBC Radio have decided to remove all Steps from their play list. H is said to be livid.
'The Sun' to drop Page 3
To stop readers missing the feature the last Page Three will feature former Tory MP Ann Widiscum. "Ann topless will turn even the most randy man off topless pics" Rupert Murdoch commented.
The Man Who Was Everywhere
Obama admits he was in Libya giving orders to generals during Benghazi attack, at an Oval Office meeting, and on the green sinking putts all at the same time, because he is the first Magic President.
Next: Ocean Front Property in Arizona
Climate change skeptic Marco Rubio raises $100,000 for "Reclaim America" by selling plastic bottles of Polish spring water from Maine to voters who don't recycle.
New Pope will be Russian!
God sent a meteor crashing into Russia and has written the name of the new Pope on the side. The Vatican are excited that God personally chose the new Pope and thank Gazprom for sponsoring him!
Boarded-up shops in UK = evolution?
Sir Terry Leahy, ex-Tesco boss claims he loves high streets with boarded-up shops! He even claims Darwin is to blame because Tesco's mean evolution and high street shops are devolution!
One cannot believe it!
A man was tasered and arrested by Police outside Buckingham Palace, it was later discovered to be Phil the Greek in disguise heading for Ali Bongo's kebab cart parked in the Mall, Phil was not happy!
"You pleased to see me?"
Johnny Depp to play mobster Whitey Bulger having previously turned down the role of Ivor Bigun!
Grand Old Partier Takes 34-31 Loss Hard
Karl Rove has too much to drink watching Superbowl, becomes confused. Blue team beats red team, Rove spends next 30 minutes shouting at television, "They still haven't finished counting in Ohio!"
49ers Would Have Forfeited to Ravens Anyway
Investigation finds coach Jim Harbaugh of San Francisco 49ers, facing loss to brother John, coach of Baltimore Ravens, sent 49ers special teams unit to cut Superdome power, changing game's momentum.
Democratic Federal and State Thievery
Taxes are being raised on seniors who saved for their retirement, gave up vacations, drove old cars and put their kids through college to provide for today's freeloaders via wealth redistribution!
Man With US Map Tattooed On Body Injured in Bar Fight
Police say unidentified 28 year-old sustained contusion to Homer, Alaska and swelling around the Florida Panhandle.
Clinton tells all
In earth shattering news, former US President Bill Clinton has revealed that he used to be a women before realising that he couldn't "perform" with a man, so he changed his gender to win over Hilary.
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Pres. Obama spent his first term battling so-called "job creators."
ROBIN: Holy Tea Parties, Batman! Those liars clearly don't want anyone to know about the Eisenhower administration!
Slippery Slope, No Lubricant
Pres. Obama attempts to pass sensible health care legislation, prompting Church to impose will on State through litigation.
Far Right: "No abortions AND no condoms."
Next: "No sex either."
Groundhog Day 2013
Mitt Romney emerged from his burrow in La Jolla, CA, on February 2. He saw his shadow, prompting Karl Rove to predict him as the clear front runner in a contest against President Obama.
Wayne LaPierre Wants More Mental Health Services
Good point: LaPierre's supporters seem to believe that this is 1791, and that a magical communist King born in Kenya is waiting just outside the door to take their guns.
Click now, or forever hold your peace
Academic journal publishes study showing that straight men who watch lots of porn tend to support same-sex marriage rights - unlike homophobic closet cases, who tend to watch a lot of gay porn.
Two Opposable Thumbs Down
Sen. John McCain takes heat from the Left for comparing Iran's President Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Moderates still comparing McCain to a monkey for choosing Sarah Palin as a running mate.
Two Good Guys with Guns
Clayton Moore: Men should live by the rule of what is best for the greatest number. I'm for sensible gun control legislation.
Jay Silverheels: Me too, Kemo Sabe. More guns not solve every problem.
"There You Go Again"
Climate change deniers insist "Little Ice Age" was due to a dip in solar activity, not a deadly Black Plague that reduced the world's population of tree-chopping, log-burning humans by nearly half.
Killing Two Birds With One Assault Weapon
Pres. Obama under fire for using drones to kill Americans abroad who pose an imminent threat to national security. Well, if he sent "good guys with guns" to do it, would that be okay?
Isn't everything supposed to be BIGGER in Texas?
Skinflint Texas Gov. Rick Perry tries to lure California businesses back to his home state with a miserly $25,000 ad campaign. If his ass was any tighter, he'd squeak when he walks.
Arab Spring
High Jump champion Abdul Nasseri leaps into record books
"Can I have some more please, Sir?"
Poverty blamed for increase in child neglect...welcome to 'Great' Britain 2013....well done Tory Boys!!
"Crumbs!!"
Hot on the heels of supposedly finding 'Richard the Turd' the hunt is now on for AlfRed the Great....rumoured to be buried under Gregg's the baker in Whitechapel.
"No Win no nuttin'"
Richard III spinal curvature attributed to 'medieval wheel clamp'...lawyers4U considering legal action.
Lick it, stick it and kiss it goodbye
As of this week, the United States Postal Service will no longer deliver mail on Saturdays, says Cole Turnblatt of Ames, Iowa, who was delivered the Postmaster General's memo by mistake.
Gazza goes to rehab on a pint!
Gazza downed a final pint before entering rehab in the US. He told the scum paparazzi why; "You try taking penalties against the Germans, they drive anybody to drink!"
"Assault Weapons Are Gay"
Poll: People who oppose homosexual scout masters being around children are also quick to stand up against common sense regulations to keep deranged gunmen out of schools. What gives?
Ayn Rand exposed as Godless Liberal!
"What is man? He's just a collection of chemicals with delusions of grandeur."
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Corporate Profits Up, Worker Wages Down, No New Jobs
"If the rest of them can survive only by destroying us, then why should we wish them to survive?"
Ayn Rand, Atlas Shrugged
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Karl Rove is attacking Ashley Judd.
ROBIN: Holy action heroes, Batman! This guy's no Chuck Norris or Schwarzenegger. He'll take a thrashing before he gets Ashley back in the kitchen!
Extremists Chip Away at Freedom
Discussion forum shut down at popular satire web site after extremist bile slingers use freedom of speech to spread messages of hate.
"Acronyms" could remain on, no? Yes? Maybe? Shiite!
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Republicans won't tax millionaires to cover spending.
ROBIN: Holy bounced checks, Batman! How is Obama supposed to pay for a bailout of America's so-called "job creators" AND two Bush wars?
Quote from King Eisenhower the Communist Surfaces
We are proud of our advances in matters of basic human needs-expansion of social security-broadened coverage in unemployment insurance-improved housing-and better health protection for all our people.
They Want More Reasons to Complain
The same Republicans who oppose abortion also oppose contraceptive coverage, virtually guaranteeing people on welfare are going to be having lots and lots of babies.
Doing Things the American Way
Americans skip college, give up vacations, drive old cars, work through retirement to afford health care. Meanwhile, corporate profits soar 18%, CEO's claim, "We can't afford to provide Obamacare."
One for the Snippet Archive
Sorry, you can't go back any further!
Right Wing Nuts: It's not always possible to go back to the Previous Century, but you should return to reality if you try going forwards.
Warming Up to Fracking
Democratic state governors, e.g. California are discovering that natural gas Fracking means increased revenues (taxes), allowing more spending and are rebuffing environmentalists as worry warts!
Unconstitutional Presidential Power
King Obama I wants sole authority to be judge, jury and executioner using unmanned drones against terror operatives (bad guys), who are US citizens, without a formal Congressional declaration of war!
President Obama is not President Lincoln
Sen. Obama railed at Pres. GW Bush using unconstitutional authority now being asserted by the White House. WH cites Pres. Lincoln's authoritarianism, but Mr. Lincoln had a civil war on his hands!
Impeach King Obama I
There are specific Constitutional limits predicated on King George III, that limit what a president can do to US citizens to avoid the slippery slope from bad guy terrorists to an enemy's list!
Europeans blame UK for disappearing horses!
Europeans are blaming the UK for the disappearance of thousands of horses. The evidence was clear where the horses were going after French police found this note on a stable door: Find-us-if-u-can!
I'm Not Surprised
San Francisco woman surprised when man who just robbed her returns moments later with shopping bag containing celery, seaweed, bean curd, alfalfa sprouts, fish roe and chopped eels.
I Owe Silver
LONE RANGER: Liberals tax and spend. Conservatives don't tax, but spend anyway.
TONTO: Conservative way not make sense. My father own cigar shop. Him put money in bank to cover check, Kemo Sabe!
Obama Trumps Trump
President Obama presents Donald Trump birth certificate and DNA sample proving that he is actually President Abraham Lincoln, finally answering any remaining questions about where he got those ears.
Just a Fracking Minute
LONE RANGER: Environmentalists don't want fracking, but business interests do.
TONTO: Money just worthless paper when planet die. No tree to hug. Where Tonto eat granola, Kemo Sabe?
Finding Nemo - In the Driveway
Tropical storm running 4 months late, or maybe 3 months early, collides with cold, dry air over Pennsylvania/Kentucky, dumping 3 feet of frozen tropical moisture on climate change skeptic.
Another Argument for Mental Health Services
LONE RANGER: In Indiana, N. Carolina, people shot each other to celebrate the 2nd Amendment.
TONTO: That the only 2 states Romney take from Obama. Voters sick in head, Kemo Sabe! Medicine not fix.
We Wanted You to Wear Clothes
Due to the Grammy crackdown on exposed breasts and butts this year, Lady Gaga decided to wear a far less revealing garment made entirely of chicken breasts and butt steak.
Real Housewives of Bonners Ferry?
GOP Rep. Labrador of Idaho fires staffer for posting reference to racy TV sitcom in tweet confessing, "Me likey Broke Girls." I wasn't aware the Potato State had anything other than "broke girls."
21st Century Conservative Values?
Pakistani girl shot for going to school alters 14th Century dogma depriving females of education. Honor student shot in Chicago prompts dogmatic Tea Partier to bash First Lady for attending funeral.
ObamaCare Exposed
Health care experts have advised the government that ObamaCare administrators will soon have to select any two out of the following three parameters: Reduced Costs; Improved Care; Cover More People!
Honest Injun
LONE RANGER: Some criticize the President for investing in failed green technology.
TONTO: At least Obama try. Oil and car company not go green until oil gone, then call it job creation, Kemo Sabe!
Painting the Town Red
Growing Latino population may turn Texas blue in a decade or so, which could mean no more Republican presidents. Party faithful descend on Austin, Dallas, San Antonio armed with brushes, red paint.
Meanwhile, Back at the Hall of Justice
BATMAN: Some say gun makers are not responsible for gun deaths.
ROBIN: Holy Bat Blunders, Batman! If they're right, maybe we shouldn't have been so rough on those guys at the meth lab!
Bite the Silver Bullet
LONE RANGER: "Job creators" complain about how bad their taxes are today.
TONTO: When everyone live on moldy scrap, sleep in newspaper, who buy product? Then "job creator" out of work, Kemo Sabe!
Obama's Salute to Confederate Flag
After maintenance workers mistakenly fly Confederate flag over Mississippi Supreme Court building, President Obama grateful for at least this one thing Republicans might not try to pin on him.
Republicans Emit Greenhouse Gases
The world's 1.3 billion cattle contribute 18% of our greenhouse gas emissions, including 37% of methane. The resulting fart joke made conservatives laugh so hard, they contributed another 6%.
The Chief Problem With Congress
LONE RANGER: Some say President Obama oversteps his authority with executive actions.
TONTO: Them forget President Chief, Congress Indian. Indian not do job, Chief merely compensate, Kemo Sabe!
Action, Reaction
Nancy Pelosi suggests oil companies don't need $2.5 billion in tax breaks, $20 billion in subsidies when they made $80 billion last year. Gas prices hiked 25 cents a gallon the next day.
literacy r8 not gr8
Study shows Pres. Obama favors local media outlets and TV, but rarely grants newspaper interviews. "LMAO," the President texted. "2 L8 4 papers. No $$ 2 teach Americans 2 read."
The Pope Reveals Why He Resigned
"The Devil made me do it!" Said the Pope.
German Wins €20 Million
82-year-old Hermann von Ratzinger, thought to be Pope Benedict's half brother made a bet with the bookkeepers that the Pope would resign in 2013 with odds of 20,000,000 to 1. He placed a bet of just €20.
Horse meat contamination
One good thing has come from the horse meat in beef products fiasco. All those people who wondered what horse tastes like know now - it tastes like beef.
Richard Dawkins Surprised At Resignations Of Church Leaders
'First it was the Archbishop of Canterbury, now it's the Pope,' said Professor Dawkins. 'I never expected my books to convince such senior Christians that there is no God.'