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Latest In Stewtown, Kentucky #2

Sheriff promises to give full 100% half-ass effort to catch latest group of hog thiefs.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Latest in Stewtown, Kentucky!

Third grader beats up Sheriff deputy for making him go pee inside somewhere.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Park Ranger squeals

Yellowstone Park Ranger confirms that Old Faithful has been on Viagra for over eight years now!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Big Beer Spill in Milwaukee

Over 40,000 volunteers arrive to soak it up! "We're always ready to help our neighbors", stated one Alaskan.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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President orders Minute of Silence

The President today asked that next week the nation will hold a minute of silence for those brave souls who went to Canada during the Vietnam War. Expect a lot of guns being fired into the air.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Boehner Says Dems Want Big Government

House Speaker John Boehner said that "Democrats want more government rather than more freedom." That was just after voting for for bills to increase funding for the NSA CIA and other spying agencies.

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Climate Chief Now Admits Pollution Not Good

The potential PA climate chief who said just last week that climate change has no adverse effects has reversed himself a bit to get the job. And he now knows "air pollution can affect human health."

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Geo. Zimmerman Let Go To Be With His Guns

He had a chache of 3 handguns, a semiautomatic and a shotgun when put in jail for a fight with GF. He's reunited with them."They bring me comfort, I'll be good now," referring to many "incidents."

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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Has the FCC ban on loud TV commercials worked?

Most people we called said they couldn't hear us for the commercial playing at the time. "Lower? It sounds louder! I said...it Sounds Louder!!!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Kim Jong-un's Aunt Helped Purge Her Own Husband in North Korean Treachery

Slipped him a brownie surprise. "He ate ten. He's purged alright!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Air strike kills 15 civilians in Yemen by mistake-officials

Whole wedding Party wiped out. There must be a better way of doing this, if you can't tell the difference between a wedding party and al-Qaeda!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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2013 Silver Spooner Award Winner

Winner of this year's spoon for best spoonerism is Ms. Henrietta Mubpump of New Orleans when she stated on local news live TV that there weren't enough "coffee traps" on the streets. (Traffic cops).

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
Rating:

No Inflation While I'm President

On his way to the Mandela Memorial the President made his statement to reporters. GOP goes along with that. However, both Dems & GOP members with E.D. say they are dishardened.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Obama Speech at Madela Memorial OK

"I felt a lot more at ease with the shoe shield in front of me", he stated. "I'm glad some countries have adopted that."

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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First He Was An Expert, Then He Saw Angels, Now....

Mandela memorial service's interpreter for deaf: "I'm a bad schizophrenic. No I'm not! Wait a minute, wait a minute...I'm a Mime!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Fake Signer at Mandela Memorial

According to security services, the 'fake signer' who appeared at the Nelson Mandela Memorial was identified after he started doing the moves to the Macarana.

written by IainB, 12 December 2013
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New Vitamin May Lower Blood Pressure Dramatically

All the way down to zero if you like. Don't even have to go to Oregon.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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EPA Rules Force Closure of Last Ammo Maker

Bullets are easily made. Just look them up on the internet or ask a buddy!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Cllimate Change Deniers,Evolution Skeptics Join Forces

Having found common political ground in Red State politics a meeting was held for the two groups in Broken Uriinal, GA As a strategy session began, participants were given drool cups.

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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McDonalds Tells How To Tip Au Pairs

McDonald's today gave workers advice on tipping au pairs, personal fitness trainers, and pool cleaners. McDonald's employees live far below the poverty line and rely on subsidies like food stamps.

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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CNN To Make Chanel Less Newsy

NBC Pres. Jeff Sucker said today that CNN "has too much news for a news chanel." "We want to attract new viewers that watch Jersey Shore." So new changes: Honey Boo Boo will replace Wolf Blitzer.

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
Rating:

GM Re-Named "Government Motors"

During the crisis the U.S. gave billions to bail out GM. The gov't sold GM stock and lost $10b.The U.S. still owns may shares-the price must double or there will be more losses which won't happen..

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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Pres. Xi Jinping Praises Smog In China

The president to the People's Republic said that the lethal air in urban areas creates a think blanket over the city and that is good because,"It makes it harder to bomb Chinese cities."

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Watch Those Child Molesters!

In Canyon City, a six-year-old was suspended from school for sexual harassment . he kissed the hand of a classmate. "We're just not going to put up with wierd deviant behavior,"said the principal."

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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George Bush At Fault Again

The planets and stars today do not appear as they were in the past when the zodiac was created, so your horoscope is one month off, at least. We blame George Bush.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Obama says Mandela 'moved a nation toward justice'

Signing interpreter: "The kangaroo is often present in the cabbage patches!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Cave Message in France where ancient drawings were found

"It is no doubt: "Tu m'as tellement manqué!" "There, that should clear it up once and for all!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Man Who Faked Sign Language At Mandela Memorial Admits Problems In Previous Jobs

'I was sacked from directing traffic after the car crashes, from the Navy Signals Corps after those boats collided, and from guiding taxiing aircraft after that 747 hit a terminal building,' he said.

written by Swan Morrison, 12 December 2013
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Oprah Winfrey Reveals Why She Never Had Children

People would be looking at them instead of me!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops: #821

According to Snoops: Before Elvis settled on his peanut butter and banana sandwich, he went through a Spam with licorice sticks phase.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Haiti Makes North Pole Claim

Since so many others are doing it, Mon. We will place curse on anyone else claimin' it. We need it to train for bobsled competition in Olympics."

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Dad leaves baby in car at strip club

Tells police: You couldn't take a little baby into a place like that! What's wrong with you guys?"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Mandela memorial interpreter asks forgiveness, calls himself champion #2

Deaf Community Is Outraged. Either that or someone's disturbed a hornet's nest!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Ridiculed interpreter: I'm a champion of sign language

"I was doing the sign language in Short-Hand to keep up!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Putin asserts Russia's moral superiority.

Points to Stalin's humanitarian records as proof. (Aid: He's been out in the sun on vacation a lot).

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Mr Universe

For the seventy-fifth year in a row, Mr Universe has been won by a human. "How good are we?" said Arnold Schwarzenegger.

written by IainB, 12 December 2013
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Homelessness, demand for food increase in city survey.

"Anybody what comes in heah saying' sumpin' bout Obamacare, we shoot!"

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Expert: 'Imagine America Without Los Angeles'.

Crowd: Oh don't start giving us good news that isn't true! Is it really, really gone? Naaa. I thought so!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops: #706

According to Snoops: In every single episode of "The Waltons", someone will mention the depression.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops: #633

According to Snoops: George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Instead, a dentist saved him a full set of human teeth from lost soldiers.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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True Facts From Snoops: #3312

According to Snoops: The Head of the Mafia always get to wear the largest hat!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Cyprus Having Problems

To the applause of many from Greenpeace an army (navy?) of giant sea turtles have taken control of the Isle of Cyprus!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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PLO is Number One in Import

Although they are very poor since Arafat decided to take it with him, Palestinians still the number one importer of rocks! (Only for peaceful purposes).

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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'Spectacular' Crash On Jupiter Moon Europa May Have Delivered Life's Building Blocks

Thing that crashed into Jupiter Moon Europa most likely a giant bean! "There can be no other explanation."

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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John Boehner Fed Up With 'Ridiculous' Tea Party Intransigence on Budget

More and More Republicans are fed up with the crying Boehner!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Is The Universe A Hologram? Physicists Say It's Possible

Most likely it's these people's brains that are the hologram.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Andrew McCutchen Proposes To Girlfriend On 'The Ellen DeGeneres Show'

Wow! This is probably only the 101st time this has happened!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Berlusconi threatens 'revolution' if jailed.

However, judge says he will learn how it is to be a woman in jail. Probably change his character.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Major hospital blunders including 40 patients given surgery on wrong limb, revealed by official statistics

Ready for our own socialized medicine?

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Grocery Store Kicks Girls Off Property For Singing Christmas Carols.

Neighbors and friends to shop elsewhere!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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'SEXIEST MAN alive brought ito boost Obamacare

Also David Blaine and David Copperfield!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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FDA To Effect Taste Of Big Macs

The FDA has restricted the use of antibiotics and other medicines in farm animals. Nearness to pesticides too. At McDonald's said that business would plummet. "The burgers will taste too healthy."

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Stronger Tornadoes May Be Menacing US

The White House has responded to this report: We blame George Bush!

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
Rating:

Obama, Raul Castro shake hands

Both John and Robert Kennedy's bodies go spinning in their graves

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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POPE POLL: Vast Popularity Among Catholics.

Big surprise. Many thought popes were out of fashion with Catholics.

written by Bureau, 12 December 2013
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Tila Tequilla Defends Hitler

In a facebook rant the TV star said Hitler had a horrible youth and was a "sweet kid" that we should forgive like Atilla The Hun. " Hitler tried to wipe out the low IQ'ed. Just sayin'" said a poster.

written by Keith Shirey, 12 December 2013
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