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Rating:

Oprah Pays For Fries And Shake With Gold Bar At Zurich McDonalds

"I hope you have correct change. I want this delivered to my private jet at the airport," said the Queen of Talk.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 12 August 2013
Rating:

What's next for "Big Blue", the Jeopardy star?

Latest report is that he's been challenged by "Big Green" from the back of a college refrigerator in Michigan.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Manitoba Wendy's Drops "T-Rex Burger" From Menu

"It's just too hard to kill one of those things!", says one owner.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Facebook Accidentally Releases Six Million Users' Personal Information to Other Users

Pics of many of them naked posing for husband, sitting on commode, kicking at wife's dog, 10,000 Weiner shots!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

American Medical Association Recognizes Obesity as a Disease

"No one ever wanted to talk about the elephant in the room", says spokesman.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

New England Patriots Owner Still Says Putin Stole His Super Bowl Ring

Also, billfold, watch, underwear and penis ring.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

U.S., Taliban Plan To Meet for First Time

United States to present priceless Buddha Statue they can destroy as a good will gesture.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

FBI Admits It Operates Drones

Spokesman: We started out with prototypes Al Gore and Dan Quail.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Many Americans crossing over border secretly

Say they will be treated better by US Government if they are coming back as immigrants.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Putin: Syrian Rebels Eating Whole Families

Syrian Rebels: "Putin has more gas than Assad! Are you going to mail us some ricin powder?"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Kim Jong Un Very Very Happy

According to reports, North Korea has actually shot down a misguided tourist in a lawn chair. First time missile hits anything but the ocean. No one knows victim. Kim says he may send DNA to US.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Foster Quagmire Sent to Egypt

Quagmire usually screws things up even worse but Egypt being screwed up already, President Obama says, it can't hurt.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Egypt in A Mess!

It's now down to protesters protesting protesters to the 5th power. Bob Dylan, Joan Baez turning down some great offers. "I'm a Jew, remember?", says Dylan.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

3D Printer Delivers Knockout Version of Maryln Monroe! #2

Elton John immediately offers one million dollars for her.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

3D Printer Delivers Knockout Version of Maryln Monroe!

Dollar signs appears in movie producers eyes. Out-Of-Work Line appears to Actors!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

First Family Glad to have Bo at Martha's Vineyard

Unknown to most Americans, Bo had gone missing and Obama family had thought he had been taken by Snowden.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

US pays $1.5m to help Brazilian women quit smoking.

Bt continue leaving off their tops at the beaches, in the clubs, on the street, doing their washing, planting gardens, picking up kids after school.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Missouri Fair clown draws criticism for Obama mask

Wife asks him to remove it. "You want your face to set like that?

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

More Job Openings In Florida

Florida says that they can use several hundred clean-up hands for both Disney and Carnival Cruises. Pays well. Just needs some clean-up after too much food, too much alcohol. You get a rubber suit.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Americans Renouncing Citizenship at Record Levels!

But so far the wharf rats are still here and that's a good sign.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Study shows that most do not want to live 125 years!

What" Spend 30-40 years in the nursing home playing catch the ball, Bingo. Eating blended meals and having your diapers changed afterwards? No thank you!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Study: Longer Breast Feeding Boosts Intelligence

Poll taken of average mother shows that they do not want to have longer breasts no matter how smart the kid gets.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

City Police Say Sharp Rise in Pedestrian Deaths Due to Distractions

Or that's what it said on our last tweet!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Study shows dolphins can solve problems, even while blindfolded

Yes, and are more adept at problem solving than stoned and drunk humans, too.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Terror Alert: Tourists Warned to Stay Away From Any American Establishment

"You're not welcome to stay anywhere in France either", Says official!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Tennessee judge Lu Ann Ballew said only Jesus Christ had earned the right to be called Messiah -

So a 7-month-old infant had to have his name changed to Martin. Protests want Judge Lu Ann's name changed, too, saying it sounds too redneck.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

The NFL Cutting "Excessive Celebrations" on Field This Year!

No wet towel snapping of defenses end's end in the end zones after touchdowns!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

CVS now requires customers to show IDs when buying nail polish remover -

It's to combat meth suppliers. Of course, weird-looking scripts for opiate painkillers are filled promptly.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Vick Leaves Game After Fans Boo!

Many fans throwing cokes, teams throwing jockey shorts. "They treat me like a dog", he later tells reporters.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Yankees Drawing Fans Again

The New York Yankees attendance back up as the Rockettes appear on field during seventh inning stretch!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Leonard Cohen Sets Still Another Record

According to records, latest work led to 1,000th suicide by fans.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Pink Exoplanet Is Discovered by NASA -

NASA issued an apology, saying it was actually the Earth. Global warming is taking a foothold.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Ringo Starr Seen at WalMart

"I knew it was him", says local. "He was wearing this nice tee shirt that says, "I'm Ringo Starr!"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Other Renters Not Told About Giant Spider Chased From Apartment

Chaser: "Hey, let them take care of it. I got mine over with. If there's an apartment web cleanup, I'll do my part. Somebody screaming down the hall now."

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Elton John Still Amazing Audiences

Especially since that thing on his head is now singing harmony.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Several Middle Eastern Upset With Religious Leader

Many Arabs are leaving the teachings of Omar Ghoodnas after he maintains that the Arabic word for "martyr" means "disposable".

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Labour Complains Firms Must Hire More UK Workers

Shadow immigration minister Chris Bryant said training had to improve, with unscrupulous practices. Labours' foes ask who's calling who unscrupulous here?

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

92-year-old Duke of Edinburgh back to work

But handing out a few medals for science and business at the Royal Society of Edinburgh isn't really work, UKers complain.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

India Just Unveiled Its First Home-Built Aircraft Carrier

Which leaves the rest of the world in awe. We didn't think India could even make a junk, river barge, or even a canoe.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Naked Justin Bieber Video Surfaces -

Bieb serenaded his grandmother on Canadian Thanksgiving while only wearing a guitar. At least he didn't ask her to smoke pot with him or beat up the poor old lady.

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Rodeo Clown with Obama Mask Criticized at Missouri State Fair -

When Barack Obama heard of this, he asked, "What's Missouri? Where is it?"

written by Samuel Vargo, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Hilary Clinton Very Upset!

Supporters say she was practicing a speech when she spotted Bill winking at lady in the crowd. I think she was 'this' close to grabbing him and shaking his eyeballs loose."

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Pot stops kid's seizures

Over 1,000 other kids show up at emergency rooms across the nation, jerking and twitching!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

UFO spotted hovering over pool

According to a couple of badly frightened Bigfoot!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Boy comes face to face with small shark

Both send floating brown objects to the service.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Butter cow doused with fake blood at Iowa State Fair

Workers at Iowa State Fair dump cow piss on PETA protesters while yelling, "You're now organic!"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Peewee Herman Plays Weiner

Peewee Herman to play Anthony Weiner in theater skit on Saturday Night Live

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

More than 1,800 knitters have covered Pittsburgh's Andy Warhol Bridge in 3,000 feet of colorful yarn.

Most agree that that's a pretty good yarn!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Sinking Florida resort villa evacuated

We apologize for the earlier report of a Stinkin Hole near Disney World.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

New poll out about something

According to latest poll: At least 50% forgot the first half of our question by the time we asked for their input.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Newspaper Bane: Nobody reads the stories!

New York Times may go to all-photo news with captions.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

McCain: Young Americans admire Snowden

"They see him as some kin of Paul Lennon, George Starr!"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Weiner Offers Supporters A Sneak Peak

Women of all races and ages hand the Mayor Hopeful a banana as pledge to vote for him!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

August Is Dog Days

Washington spends $75,000 air-lifting family dog, Bo, to join the family.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

CIA Leader Applauded

CIA Leader applauded as he comes to work Monday morning. After his puzzled look someone shouts, "Four times in one night, we applaud you, Sir!"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Apple to Launch iBone

Apple will reveal its next big thing, the iBone on September 13. Apple CEO Timothy D. Cook said "We are looking forward to giving MyRobot's newly released Splooj® stiff competition.

written by Moose, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Van For Sale

Going cheap. Only one owner. Emigrated.

written by j.w., 12 August 2013
Rating:

Rupert Murdoch may buy Irish newspaper

Rupert Murdoch may buy the Irish Sun. If so, he vows to restore its discontinued "Page 3 Girls" feature, which showed topless models: "I want to restore the breast reading in the British Isles."

written by Gee Pee, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Readers demand return of favorite newspaper feature

Now that the Irish Sun has discontinued its "Page 3" feature, which shows topless young women, subscriptions have plummeted, as readers demand, "Bring back the boobies!"

written by Gee Pee, 12 August 2013
Rating:

NYPD Frisk-Grope-and-Fondle Tactic Violates Rights: Judge

A federal judge has ordered an independent agency to oversee reforms to the NYC PD's frisk-grope-and-fondle practice after ruling the polarizing practice violated the United States Constitution.

written by Moose, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Anti-theft device increases thefts

Christian Conrad thought she had a sure sell with her invention, the Boobypack, to replace the fanny pack, but women find the purse encourages pickpockets; they can't wait to get their hands on it!"

written by Gee Pee, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Soft sell

At a busy Florida intersection, a desperate woman solicited funds for bigger breasts. "Not homeless," her plea, on hot-pink poster board read, "need boobs!" She collected $100,000 her first day.

written by Gee Pee, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Massive Mobility Scooter Pileup Injures 10 Seniors

THE VILLAGES, FL - Police are investigating a 41-mobility scooter pileup in The Villages that injured at least 10 seniors.

The cause of the pileup remains under investigation.

written by Moose, 12 August 2013
Rating:

New Jitterbug to hit market

THE VILLAGES, FL - Greatcall will release the new Jitterbug Delta, which includes features that many seniors have been demanding, including automatic repeating of all calls and messages.

written by Moose, 12 August 2013
Rating:

AG Holder to outline new whisle-blower sentencing guidelines

WASHINGTON, DC - The Justice Department plans to change how it prosecutes whistle-blowers, so they would no longer face mandatory death sentences.

written by Moose, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Cameron attempts to become secret cabbie.

After Norway's PM Jens Stoltenberg has a turn as a Taxi driver the British PM David Cameron did the same. However Dave got it all wrong, sitting in the back while his chauffeur drove the cab.

written by John_L, 12 August 2013
Rating:

500 Hp German Luxury Vehicle Parked With No Permit In Handicapped Spot

Everyone passing by just assumes that the driver simply left the permit in the glove box or something. And the vanity license plate is awesome too.

written by Moe Nightwalker, 12 August 2013
Rating:

San Diego mayor's two-week sexual harassment therapy ends early

"None of their business whom I choose to spank!"

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Magnitude 5.7 earthquake strikes Tibet

Even mountain goats lose their footing!

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Meteor shower will be visible from Chicago suburbs

Just above and over to the left of the gang fights.

written by Bureau, 12 August 2013
Rating:

Yet Another Book from Rowling.

Just out of hospital where she went to have her writing hand fixed Rowling is to release her latest effort A History of England in 14 volumes. "Been working on it since the age of six", she confessed.

written by Auntie Matter, 12 August 2013
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