Spoof news snippets from Monday 17 September 2012

Occupy London

Unions say that public buildings should be occupied! Good idea let's give the staff their jobs back.

"Fifty shades of grey" explodes sex shops sales

Sexshops around the world are generating millions of dollars extra on sales. 'All because of 50 shades of grey!' Said Big Z pimpin'.

ZOMBIES

A zombie outbreak is reported within the areaaaaaaargh brraaaaaaaains bluuuuuurrgh

Sir Salman Rushdie is the UK's new ambassador in Cairo!

In an attempt to calm the riots in Arabian countries David Cameron has announced that Sir Salman Rushdie is the new UK ambassador to Egypt; a brilliant diplomatic move to smooth over the fatwahs!

Ranulph Fiennes to embark on toughest expedition ever

The 68 year old explorer is going to attempt to locate Rupert Murdoch's heart. Speaking a press conference he said "Murdoch's arse is huge but many people think his heart is just a myth."

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 133

Joan Rivers to help Kate

After looking at the topless photos of Kate, Duchess of Cambridge surgery addicted QVC star Joan Rivers has offered to help Kate plan a breast augmentation.

French paparazzi defend taking Kate Topless Photos

The French have defended their photographers after the Kate Topless Photo scandal. "We're a republic, yes?" said photographer Piere Orthere. "We hate royals. Why do you think we killed Diana?"

Johnson recants his past words

"Okay, so I was wrong" declared the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, after a number of critics pointed out the hypocrisy of his statements saying garbage collectors are incongruous with politics.

Red Sox Officially Done for Season

David Ortiz thought the team was officially eliminated when he decided to take a powder in mid-July.

World's deadliest snake found in Essex dockyard

The 45cm saw-scaled viper was discovered at Tilbury Port on Wednesday after stowing away on a boat in India.

"Yes, there's a few in Parliament as well!"

Giant Spanish slug arrives in salads to UK from Spain!

Giant Spanish slugs that invaded Britain are mating with native ones to create a mutant superslug capable of wreaking crop havoc.

"Ah... revenge for the Spanish armada at last eh?"

Stowaway snake attacks motor-biker doing 175mph!

Having sneaked out from behind the dashboard, the bad-tempered stowaway went straight for his driver's left hand.

It was no surprise that the incident caused him great distressssssssssssss!

M.O.D. gives key Falklands air contract to Portugal!

Phillip Hammond stripped UK firm Titan Airways of the contract to fly troops there and back. HiFly's winning bid was cheaper - by just a few thousand pounds a week.

"Why am I not surprised?!

Obama's New Foreign Policy Approach

President Obama calls for a conference with the leaders of the 20 Arab nations currently experiencing Muslim riots to all sit down together and sing cumbayah!

Law of Conservation of Political Crazies

For every Democratic left wing loony there is an equal and opposite Republican right wing loony! (UK citizens may substitute Liberals and Tories for Democratic and Republican, respectively.)

Useless Nations Organization Speaks

LONE RANGER: UN human rights official warns Syrian opposition fighters they could be prosecuted for atrocities. TONTO: But, it's OK for Pres. Assad's military forces to kill 20,000 unarmed civilians!

Democratic Convention Speech

President Obama blamed former Republican President George W Bush for the Titanic disaster and took credit for increased US oil production initiated during the Bush Administration!