Spoof news snippets from October 2012
There were 354 spoof news snippets published in October 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Third Grade Teacher Overrules Company's Spelling
SHELBY, MT--Ms. Torbitt doesn't care where 9-year-old Chris Spacer's dad works, 'Wearhouse' is not the correct spelling.
Woman wondering if that's an extra period or unfinished ellipsis
BROOKLINE, MA--Amy Tripwaller wasn't sure if her friend's text, 'That made my day..see you tonight' contained a two dot ellipsis or an extra period, but she wasn't about to ask, either.
London mansion on offer for £300million!
The 45-bedroom seven-storey house overlooking Hyde Park is being discreetly offered to a select list of international billionaires.
"Please don't contact me, I'm content in me two-up two-down hovel!"
David Cameron visits Wormwood Scrubs
"Oh what a missed opportunity to lose the keys...!"
Rolling Stones London gigs sell out in three minutes.
I couldn't get no satisfaction!
OAPs to be means-tested for bus passes!
Tory Cabinet Minister Liam Fox called for "radical" cuts in the country's welfare budget to help fund a series of tax reductions for businesses.
"Come on then... start with me!"
Does Britain Need Police Commissioners?
"No, it but it badly needs Police Officers!"
Cameron: Charities to keep lags out of prison
He says: Companies will only be paid by results.
The Government ministers should get the same treatment!
They Think Its All Over!
Statistics says the UK is finally out of recession after a 1% growth in GDP over the last 3 months.
David Cameron today ordered everyone to have a street party - with no red tape, but lots of bunting
Some two dozen topless women protested in New York!
24 topless women protested in a New York on a hot, Sunday: What they called "National Go-Topless Day" to draw attention to inequality in topless rights between men and women.
"Damn, I missed it!"
Maine still boring despite the prostitutes
Kennebunkport thought it was the only Maine town with some excitement since it's the summer home to George H.W. Bush. But it can't hold a candle to neighboring Kennebunk--they have prostitutes!
David Cameron visits Wormwood Scrubs
Perhaps he went on a visit to see his ex MPs and other cheating friends?
Charity to change name after bad publicity.
Following bad publicity, the Lance Armstrong Foundation is to be renamed The Jimmy Saville Foundation. Coincidentally the Jimmy Saville Foundation is to be renamed the Lance Armstrong Foundation.
Scientists discover 86 year old nymphomaniac called Volga Olga!
Scientists have discovered a Russian 86 year old nymphomaniac called Volga Olga in a Siberian forest! She is the oldest nympho in the world and has no intention of retiring; just yet!
German Twitter bans German Nazi "twits"!
Twitter in Germany have banned Nazis from spreading their evil messages in Germany, but Twitter global have not! So hold on to you tin helmets; Made in Germany can still Blitzkrieg you!
Man Discovers Way of Making Fortune Out Of Electricity Company
A man took up the offer of £10 discount on his bill for every new customer he referred to them. In just days he has managed to accrue 600 new customers meaning the electric supplier owe him £6,000.
Met Police to sell iconic Scotland Yard building to save money
They could always move into the Olympic Stadium.
Its currently empty and all paid for.
Woman from France receives €11,721,000,000,000,000 phone bill
I bet she was calling her sister again.
Nike ends sponsorship with Lance Armstrong
In a way, they're partly responsible for the whole shenanigans - with a catchphrase like 'Just Do It'
Tory MP Andrew Mitchell resigns as Chief Whip
Know known as Chief Drip.
Alaska fisherman survives 26 hours floating in fish crate!
Ryan Harris 19, survived for a day floating on frigid ocean waters in a plastic fish crate after his boat sank and said he kept up his spirits by singing Row row row the boat!
Good for him!
Star Sign
I asked a friend what sign she was conceived under. She said that she was conceived under a no parking sign in a car park in Milton Keynes.
Boris V Cameron
Boris Johnson said he might make a better PM that Cameron. Right now a dead squirrel on a stick would be a better PM than Cameron.
A Penny For Your Thoughts And A Pound For Your Pants
Mums are now the main bread winners in 25% of British homes. On a different note prostitution is on the rise all over England.
European Union Win Nobel Peace Prize
… This proves that the judges in Finland have a sense of humour!
Vinnie Jones; hard with his Russians and soft with his missus!
Hard-man,Vinnie Jones, has been caught having a "hard" time with Russian beauties and his wife kicked him out. Vinnie has promised to become soft because a divorce can be expensive and very "hard"!
Topless Ukrainian women have the front to bare it all!
Topless womens rights protestors in Kiev have proven that Ukrainian women are not just sex toys for their men because they have the "bare necessities" and now they've got it off of their chests!
Pakistan Ends Its Traditional Elephant Races
Its all Angry Bird nowadays.
Jaquie Smith guest on Sky News Press Preview
I imagine her husband was sitting at home watching a 'DVD'. Just this time, not on expenses...
IKEA apologize for removing women from Saudi Arabia catalogue
They're still available in the underground, late night, street corner, version of the catalogue though.
Google advert on comedy website leads to confusion.
Mr Danton of Cambridge Heath was disappointed today when he realized the advert for 'Date 50+ women' was in fact for women aged over 50, not 50 different women.
Disney buy rights to next George Lucas films
Coming Soon - Mickey Mouse, Goofy and Pluto in Space...
Man claims groupon is a rip-off
"I ordered a Thai bride from Groupon, and when she arrived she looked nothing like the girl in the picture!"
David Cameron joins Twitter.
Just two years after telling a radio interview that too many tweets make a tw*t.
Rihanna offers to babysit Snooki's baby
What could possibly go wrong?
What Boris Really Means When He Called David Cameron a Broom
London Mayor, Boris Johnson called David Cameron a broom saying that he sweeps up Labour's mess. What he really means is that David Cameron is related to Basil Brush… BROOM BROOM!
Boris Johnson calls David Cameron a 'broom'
He told delegates at the Tory Conference that Cameron is sweeping up Labours mess.
Sweeping up the mess - manual labour - don't Tories hire plebs to do that for them?
Social workers slam Eastenders storyline
Only 27 years late!
Justin Lee Collins found not funny.
He's been ordered to doo 140 hours writing to improve his material.
Government bars release of Prince Charles letters
I think Charlie was embarrassed they were all written in green ink.
Rik Mayall and Adrian Edmondson abandon plans for Bottom revival
The Bottom revival has gone Bottoms up.
Sky TV bills used to nab benefit cheats
A woman claiming to live alone with kids caught out by sports package. She admitted it was all lies when asked to explain the offside system.
Gary McKinnon avoids extradition to US for hacking case
Rumours that he hacked into the computer of Theresa Mays speech and policy writer have been hushed up, I mean played down.
John Terry won't appeal against ban
The Chelsea captain will use the time away from the game to answer Nick Griffin's call to protest the home of a gay couple who won damages from a guest house who had refused them a double bed.
Team GB Bronze medals stolen from nightclub
Police investigating the theft of two Team GB Olympic bronze Medals have made an arrest.
A spokesman for Lance Armstrong has denied any involvement.
Obama becomes first President in history to vote in advance of election day
Well at least SOMEONES made their mind up!
Audrey Harrison decides not to quit boxing
"83 seconds of work every few months? Whats not to like!"
Lady Gaga wears THAT Liz Hurley dress
In an exchange deal, Hurley will now try on Gaga's bacon dress for size...
Aussie tv programme follows student selling her virginity
The Brazilian student eventually sold her soul, sorry virginity for $780,000 to a Japanese man after a bidding war.
A year earlier she could have got double that from Jimmy Savile.
Real or Simulated World Test
Scientists announced today that they have devised a test which can tell you if you are living in a real or a simulated world. 100% of politicians have failed which proves their test is correct!
Frankenstorm approaches land
President Obama mobilizes contingency plans that President Romney would cut.
Americans prepare for natural disaster Mitt
The economic and foreign policy calamities that Mitt will cause could last for decades.
Phew, that was close.
Frankenstein's monster tops Halloween Poll, entire coalition came a close second!
The Pope Smokes Dope! And the Butler tells how much for how much!
How much is he paying per kilo? Wow! But it is the best, and it is delivered to his room, so what's not to like? The Germans pay for communion, so it must be a good idea. Jah?
Afghan headbangers in Kabul headbang it!
A heavy metal concert in Kabul has proven that Afghan headbangers can do it as good as the rest of the world; only the miserable Taliban refused to participate because of their turbans!
Boris Johnson: Keeping People Employed
Boris Johnson is to be congratulated for keeping the emergency services well employed after being rescued from a zip wire over the Thames to launch poppy appeal.
Deutsche Dominatrix, Dirty Dagmar, dies whipping!
Dirty Dagmar, infamous German dominatrix, has died whipping the hell out of the previous world whipping record and has been entered into the Guiness book of records as "Chief Whip"!
Al Qaeda Much Older Than Previously Thought
Historians have found secret documents which clearly show that the gunpowder plot was actually the work of Al Qaeda leader Guy Fawkes who was the great-great-grandfather of Osama bin Laden.
Chavez vows to honor any favorable election results
Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez Frias promised to honor the results of this weekend's election, regardless of the results, provided that the results showed him to be the victor.
David Blaine Charged!
Stuntman, David Blaine has been charged for not paying the electricity bill for having 1 million faults surround his body for 72 hours. Was it all worth it?
When Irish eyes are smiling it must be those Oil billions!
Irish eyes are smiling once again after it was confirmed that billions of barrels of oil have been found there! The US have sent their troops in to secure the fields just in case the Brits invade!
Lance Armstrong did it, but now prove it!
Lance Armstrong did it, in fact he's admitted it, but now prove it!! Therefore he remains innocent just like O.J.Simpson was proven innocent, so who really gives a f++k!
Conservative Central Office Supports Andrew Mitchell
'Andrew Mitchell meant no offence,' said a Party spokesman. 'The word "Pleb" derives from Latin. He honestly believed that those state school Neanderthals would never understand what he was saying.'
Romney attempts to woo Transgendered voters
GOP candidate Mitt Romney used last nights debate to reach out to Trans Men. However Trans groups were dismayed that he called them Women in Binders.
Police fail to deal with suspected break-in at HM Treasury
A suspected break-in at HM Treasury could not be dealt with by the police because because it took 10 police officers to separate 2 cats fighting and the back of number 10! Taxpayers will pay the bill
"Ticket's please..you bastard!"
George Osborne and his aid caught sitting in first class railway seats with 'standard class tickets. "You don't expect us to sit with the ordinary people do you" says aid before paying the top-up fare
Sugar in hot water over 'Young Apprentice' comment
Lord Sugar has been criticized by kids groups after an off the cuff remark about this years 'Young Apprentice'. Talking to a BBC producer he said "I wish Sir Jim was around to deal with some of them."
Cameron: I was right not to sack Andrew Mitchell
"Of course you were right... as nepotists go that is!"
Chair bites old man in Hollywood
A folding chair has collapsed under Clint Eastwood for the third time this week. It is seen as part of a revenge plot by chairs after his rant at the RNC. Eastwood has taken to using leaning boards.
Illegal Immigrant Trying to Enter Spain Disguised As Car Seat
An illegal immigrant tried to enter Spain disguised as a car seat. He had to give himself up when the 22 stone woman sitting on him, FARTED. However, DFS are interested in employing him in their adverts.
Cost-cutting consultants tell hospital...
To axe 40 jobs and give staff huge pay cuts.
Accountants Ernst & Young pocketed £2,647,252.80 for the advice while accounts show management consultants Finnamore got £495,098.57!
"Eh?"
Mistaken Report
InSeine News wrongly reported that the UK government will be banning the import of ash trays. The Forestry Commission have pointed out that it should read ASH TREES .
Government does U-turn on trainline
Not as easy as it sounds on a train track.
Justin Lee Collins denies court claims
"I look nothing like Sir Jim'll"
Europe beat USA to win the Ryder Cup
Mitt Romney has asked the Europeans for advice on amazing comebacks of sizemick proportions.
Team Europe beat USA in the Ryder Cup
Europe came back from 10-4 down on Day 2 to win 14-13.
They won't be inviting us back in a hurry.
Whole Hazelnuts!!
Quote of the day from Ed Miliband:
"One in four of us will have a mental illness at some point in our lifetime"
In your case cobber it would appear that you drew the short straw at an early stage!!
Daily Mirror faces four phone-hacking cases during Piers Morgan editorship
When asked for a comment, Morgan refused just before being spotted boarding the Lady Ghislaine yacht formerly owned by Robert Maxwell.
Music Graduate Gets Job As Human Scarecrow
A music graduate from Norfolk has got a job as a human scarecrow. The big problem is that he is often mistaken as London mayor, Boris Johnson.
Ally McCoist says fans should allowed to invest in Rangers
Yeah, because it worked out so well for the last investors...
David Cameron rules out 'mansion tax'
Instead, expect a 'massive tax cut' for Tory millionaires...
Cameron given birthday cake
To celebrate the PM's Birthday the Tory members of the cabinet went to a local orphanage and stole a five year old orphans Birthday cake. Dave said he was pleased that they were all in it together.
Danny Devito and Rhea Pearlman in marriage split.
The shortest people with the longest marriage in Hollywood have gone their separate ways.
Shame they couldn't find some middle ground to agree on.
Lady Gaga wears witch outfit to visit Julian Assange in Ecudorian Embassy
Perhaps she got a fancy dress party invitation from Julian Clary and the apple maps app sent her to the wrong place?
MP calls for inquiry into Newcastle United sponsorship
Ian Lavery, MP for Wansbeck asks the Football Association to investigate Radio DJ Terry Wonga Pay Day Loans sponsoring Newcastle United.
A Coast Call
A tourist who dropped his I-Phone between rocks at the beach rang the Coastguard. Didn't realize voice activated control was so advanced.
Football Association unveil Centre of Excellence
The FA decided to go with the name Centre of Excellence rather than the first choice name Centre of Averageness.
French Woman receives €11,721,000,000,000,000 phone bill
The telecom company have admitted it was a mis-print.
President Hollande has sent her a super tax 75% bill, just in case.
Poland v England match rained off.
I thought the rain stayed mainly in Spain! (or Ukraine)
Frankie Boyle sues the Daily Mirror after they called him racist
Rancid maybe, but not racist.
European Union wins Nobel Peace Prize
Narrowly pipping The Womens Union and the African Cup of Nations.
The Open Top bus tour has been planned for next monday.
Andrew Mitchell gets new Parliament nickname
After his 'plebgate' gaff, the Tory Chief Whip is now known as the Chief Drip.
Heather Watson first Brit to win Womens Tennis title in 24 years!
She's doing so well, she can now afford to give up her part-time work as a Jessica Ennis lookalike...
Website offers advice on translating texts from men
"hmmmm ok, whatever"
Do your best website!
My jokes aren't racist but the government is, says Frankie Boyle
No no no, the government are posh elitist pleb hating snobs, but not racist.
Rebekah Brooks emails to David Cameron not seen by Leveson
Apparently they were just Rebekah explaining text acronyms like LOL, ROFL and LMFAO.
Serbia FA deny racism at England Under 21 team.
They close their ears, they never heard a thing.
Imagination never lets them take the blame.
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