Spoof news snippets from Sunday 6 May 2012

"Near, far, wherever you are"

Arrogant Tory boy Chancellor George 'Abacus' Osborne undettered amid Tory backlash...insisting the coalition Government will not deviate from its economic 'Titanic' course..shall I ring Ms Dion now?

".......AND THE WINNER IS!"

Yet another British pisshead does the Magaluf Hotel 'Balcony Nosedive' making it three within a month...surely worthy of a UK Gold Medal for continuity?

Romney and Santorum don't even agree to disagree

A private meeting between nominee-in-waiting Mitt Romney and drop-out Rick Santorum yielded nothing new. They continue to hate each other and agree that they'd rather vote for Obama than get along.

Republicans find new way to blow money--running for president as Libertarian

Only days after Newt Gingrich finally pulled the plug on his long-suffering campaign, Libertarian presidential nominee Gary Johnson took over the important role of burning cash for no good reason.

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 42

Swimming event removed from the PC Olympics

The Olympics have become so politically correct, that the committee have removed the breast stroke from this year's schedule. "We can't be having that dirty activity at our games," said Seb Coe.

Sir Tom Jones has an iconic red phone box cemented into the ground by his swimmming pool in his LA home

Just thought you'd like to know!

Record to Break: Longest Time on the Lavatory

Requirements: Any fully functioning lavatory
Record holder: Carl Grantham, Bakersfield, USA

Details: Functioning time: 2 hours 17 mins

Record: Most Dog Poop Trodden In in 1 Day

Record holder: Jon Hewitt, Chippenham, England
Details: "Four times in one day - accidentally"

Record: Fastest 8 Pints and a Curry

(WARNING - this is a national pastime in parts of the U.K. - non U.K. nationals may need to seek medical advice before attempt)
Record holder: Jim Dale, Nottingham.
Details: 1 hr and 18 mins

Record: World's Longest Fingernails

Salt Lake City woman Lee Redmond holds the world's record.

They average 33 inches long!

"How does she scratch her itches?"

Record: The world's fastest mouth

Housewife Fran Capo is the world's fastest talking female at 603.32 words in 54.2 seconds!

"Glad I'm single!"

Spirits high in Connecticut as state legalizes medical marijuana

That's not smog we'll see as we drive through Hartford, but instead the smoke of patients toking it up. There's talk that the marijuana leaf may replace the mountain laurel as the state flower.