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Rating:

Rangers' Ticketus deal goes Tittus Uppus

The clubs administrators will terminate their contract over future season ticket sales.

Ticketus are owed around £27 million by Craig Whyte.

Good luck recovering the money.

written by Simon Saunders, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Founding editor of Ceefax dies aged 85

For more details go to Ceefax page 120.

Then wait for ten minutes while you go through all the other stories on that page before getting to the one you want.

written by Simon Saunders, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Santander Bank downgraded by credit agencies.

And they didn't even mention the customer service!

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Aston Villa line up Andre Villas-Boas as manager

Salary package includes an Aston martin car and a holiday Villa in the sun.
(So it's not anywhere near Birmingham then)
Transfer targets include French midfielder Yann M-Vila

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Facebook valued at $100 billion after NASDAQ launch

The new interim Greek government have sent a friend request to newly wedged billionaire Mark Zuckerberg.

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

New Biography Claims Obamas Were On Brink Of Divorce

Barrack was going to divorce Michelle and propose to Oprah.

Until someone told him he wasn't Oprah's type...

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Facebook go public at $38 per share

The company is now valued at over $100 billion, with Mark Zuckberg's personal stake over $20 billion.

Which means he can finally afford to buy suit and 'chuck the hoodie'

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Bratwurst, Bavarian beer and Lederhosen on the Chelsea menu!

Win or lose, Chelsea players have promised to don their lederhosen and knickerbockers, get pissed on Bavarian beer and have the party of a lifetime in Munich; their WAGS are being left at home!

written by Jaggedone, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Sometimes They Come Back!!!!!

Alan Partridge (Steve Coogan) to make a return to SKY TV...god help us all, I thought we had seen the last of this deadbeat would-be-comedian!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 18 May 2012
Rating:

What a stink!

Adele wins another award to add to all the other awards she wins each week...this time it was the ongoing Crap Award for producing a prize dump!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Cameron upset

"You f...ing mongel, f..ck off!!" cried British PM David Cameron as a car accidently crossed into his path while he was riding his bicycle near Hyde Park in London. Cameron will probably sue them.

written by whatinthe world, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Wossa U boat Grandad?

Commenting on upcoming Queens Jubilee 'boat show' mad London Mayor Boris 'Bonkers' Johnson said: "It will be like Dunkirk"....really Boris, so 30,000 will die while Stukas bomb them then?

written by Herrdoktorfox, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Llama Drama.

After Paul the Octopus at the 2010 World Cup, a football mad llama has been tipped to become the next match-predicting global phenomenon after correctly guessing the result of the FA Cup final.
Lame

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

The Pain In Spain.

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has admitted he would welcome the opportunity of playing in Spain.
No word yet on whether he'd take Kenny Dalglish with him as his PR man...

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Brendan Rodgers turns down Liverpool interview

Swansea boss Brendan Rodgers is not interested in speaking to Liverpool about their vacant managerial position.
He has told friends joining a club like Liverpool would be a backward step for him.

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Truck crashes on NY highway, spills 18 tons of Greek yogurt!

"I hope this doesn't affect the Greek economy too much!"

written by Inchcock, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 54

"My Life In Crime"

by

Upton O. Goode

written by IN SEINE, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Man wakes up moments before his funeral!

Mourners at the funeral of a 'dead' Egyptian waiter were stunned when he woke up moments before the burial.

Bit like Nick Clegg?

written by Inchcock, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Francois Hollande, has total assets nearing £1million!

Monsieur Francois Hollande, who 'dislikes' the rich - has three homes worth £1million!

"Nearly as much as Cameron's!"

written by Inchcock, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Carrot As Effective As The Stick

Claims Rabbit

written by asphyxiation, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Bank of Odin Robbed, Suspects use hearse as getaway vehicle

Cash with a total amount of ten million dollars was taken from the bank by robbers who were reported to use a hearse from a nearby morgue as a getaway vehicle.

written by Rocko the Zen Wallaby, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Lead Sandwiches Available Elsewhere

Palestinian prisoners on a hunger strike in an Israeli jail reach agreement with the government to stop. If these 1600 Palestinian prisoners were in a Syrian jail they would all have been shot!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Desperation Mode

The Obama reelection campaign is blaming former President GW Bush for the extinction of the dinosaurs, the lost continent of Atlantis and the eruption of Mount Vesuvius that destroyed Pompeii!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Old Technology to the Rescue

White House staff BlackBerries are to be replaced with WWII walkie-talkies, contained in back packs, to save money and stop leaks. WH Press Secretary Carney is to carry the presidential units!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

That's Where the Money Is

Maryland's Democratic governor is raising taxes, vice cutting spending. Maryland's 3 million taxpayers are advised to forward all requests for funds to the governor at the state house in Annapolis!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Get Off My Back and Onto Yours

State unionized employees in Maryland don't want a balanced budget via state spending cuts. They want the Democratic governor to raise taxes on the state's taxpayers to pay for their salary increases!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Democratic Political Reelection Quiz

President Obama believes in _____. Fill in your answer based on which group the president is currently pandering to, to obtain votes and funding for his reelection campaign!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 18 May 2012
Rating:

Police Issue Following Statement

Don't Stand So

Don't Stand So

Don't Stand So

Close To Me

written by asphyxiation, 18 May 2012
Rating:

NO MORE BREAKING NEWS...

...Sorry our ticker-tape had sna...

written by asphyxiation, 18 May 2012
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