Spoof news snippets from May 2012
There were 597 spoof news snippets published in May 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Sex Survey Reveals Women's "Sexiest Time"
My old woman reckons it's when I go down the pub and the geezer next door comes in to service the boiler :(
Top UK nuclear dumping ground Romney Marsh twinned with US wannabe President
Mitt Romney just as toxic
Jessica Ennis coach hits out at UK Athletics for labelling her 'fat'
They meant to say 'fit'
Founder of Paypal sends SpaceX rocket into space.
Lets hope it gets there quicker than my paypal refund.
Launch success for SpaceX mission
They confirmed they have successfully launched a spaceship into space at 3am this morning with Piers Morgan on board on a one way ticket.
(Sadly, I might have made the Piers Morgan bit up)
Christine Lagarde: Time is running out for Osborne's Plan A
Trouble is he doesn't have a Plan B.
$1 billion 'ghost town' coming to New Mexico
Expect a wave of phantom pregnancy law suits to follow
Roy Hodgson's successful initiation as England manager!
Ray Hodgson's first training session was a huge success, during his introduction in Manchester he managed to keep the players attention for longer that 5 minutes and none of them fell asleep!
John Travolta accused of sexual battery!
He only popped in to charge his phone.
Obama's Ex-Girlfriends Speak Out
'Yes we did'
George Osborne Is Dyslexic
The government have been forced to make a U-turn on its pastie tax after George Osborne admitted that he was dyslexic and originally thought that it was the patsie tax.
The Queen's Feat
The Queen has been on her throne for sixty years! NO SHIT!!!
Blair Becomes Puppet Master
After serving an apprenticeship of being Bush's "poodle" Tony Blair is now a puppet master in his own right. He has now forged a "special" relationship with David Cameron and they regularly practice telling lies to each other.
'Jeopardy!' host Alex Trebek mulling retirement
Producers won't let him go because he didn't preface it with 'WHAT'
Teen arrested after homework left at crime scene!
An 18-year-old Utah man was arrested. Orem police say they tracked a USB drive found at the burglarized home to Dallas Naljahih, the drive had his homework on it.
The longest word ever used in the House of Commons is floccinaucinihilipilification!
Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg used floccinaucinihilipilification in the House of Commons!
I found Anticonstitucionalissimamente - "in a very unconstitutional way" more fitting for the Coalition!
Santander Bank downgraded by credit agencies.
And they didn't even mention the customer service!
Only two women in Francois Hollande's life not to be messed with??
Yep, one's his momma, the other his pet pirhana
70-Year-Old Virgin Seeking Suitor
Always wondered when a sequel to 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' was coming out...
Was Jack The Ripper Really A Woman?
Jackie The Ripper?
Australian women most likely to have sex!
According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.
BBC Excluding the BNP
The BBC have been told to avoid mentioning the BNP. "We've been blacklisted," said Nick Griffin. "How ironic is that?"
Kim Kardashian: Essex sounds like my kind of place
Could be something to do with her IQ.
Cameron says he is 'driven like Margaret Thatcher'
Hopefully not in the back of a NewsCorpse limo...
Eddie Stobart lands outer-space contract!
Giant trucking company Eddie Stobart has landed the contract to bring goods to the space-centre in outer space (where else?). He is over the moon!
Hard reign's a gonna fall:
Charles turns prescient weatherman
Comic Izzard to run 27 marathons for Nelson Mandela
Personally I'd prefer to wear the ankle tag instead
WTF 'Federico Garcia Lorca could have fled Spain at start of Civil War'??
The guy was wedded to the whiskey vat down the Brown Pub in Bantry Bay
Kylie Minogue to appear in adult version of childrens cartoon
Called Sponge Bob Hot Pants.
Sir Tom Jones has an iconic red phone box cemented into the ground by his swimmming pool in his LA home
Just thought you'd like to know!
Human rights protesters arrested outside Eurovision Song Contest in Azerbaijan
After entering last year as well, theirs only so much Jedward the Europeans can take.
Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.4
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen!
Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.8
If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now have a McDonald's open and trading on the moon!
Martha Stewart Wore See-Through Dress
I closed my eyes and still had nightmares.
Love sick Lady Gaga cancels Indonesia gig!
Lady Gaga has cancelled her Indonesia gig not because of security reasons; she is love sick and can't bear the pain of living him. Jean Paul Gaultier loves him too, but has no chance!
French elite plan to relocate to London to avoid new tax regime
As they say, "If a frog had wings it would save a lot of wear and tear on its ass"
Euro your way I'll go mine!
Well done Englebert time for a mug of Philosan and a speedy return to the pine box...until next time...don't forget to de-flea the wig bro'
Eating Eggs at Breakfast Can Help You Lose Weight
Scientists suggest that eating eggs for breakfast can help with weight loss. Didn't they also say that it is a great source of salmonella?
Eddie Iz Mad
Eddie Izzard is to run 27 marathons in 27 days for Nelson Mandela in South Africa.
I'm doing my bit as well - I'm going to eat 27 snicker bars, maybe more, in 27 days in Southend.
Edward Munch 'The Scream' sells at auction for $120m
Bit early - Mitt Romney is already planning the decor in the White House!
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 65
Moe D. Grass.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 66
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 67
U. Singh Boyce
Complaints Over Puppy Prize On ITV Show
About 180 people have moaned to Ofcom after a puppy was given away on the show 'Keith Lemon's LemonAid'.
Some say there are plenty of reasons to complain about the show, but this isn't one of them.
Hermes Birkin handbag for sale on eBay
A $100,000 Hermes Birkin crocodile handbag has been spotted for sale on eBay - with slight scorch marks. It has currently reached $25,000.
Tony Blair & David Cameron Forge "Special" Relationship
...and yes, it is a forgery!
Tellytubbies Are Not Gay!
"We were just born THAT way! Get over it" So says La La - "Stonewall has nothing to do with us" she added.
"Five Wives" Vodka to Be Rebranded
"Five Wives" vodka once deemed as insulting to Mormons has now been rebranded "Four Wives". Now it is widely used in Muslim nations. It has proved to be a hit for producers, Ogden's Distillery.
Commuters Forced to Wait for an Hour While Guard Has Sandwich
More than 50 commuters in Kent were forced to wait for almost an hour while the guard took time off to eat a chicken sandwich and a bag of crisps. Perhaps it was the wrong type of bread?
RAF to fly in perfect ER II formation at Diamond Jubilee
Yep, the sign of the swastika.
Man Cleared Of Murder
The Judge at the High Court in Glasgow decided there was insufficient evidence to convict the man of murdering gangland figure Kevin "The Gerbil" Carroll.
Roland the rat is said to be very upset.
WTF 'Scottish madam fails to disappoint Uri Geller's lawyer son?'
Come on Red Tops, do ya mean 'appoint'?
Pippa Middleton is considering a move New York City
Middleton rejected Paris, after friend Romain Rabillard pointed a fake gun at photographers.
Try Nashville, permit holders can carry loaded firearms into bars and restaurants that serve alcohol.
BNP Celebrates 20 years
The British National Party is twenty years old this week, and celebrated with a big party. Where they only served white wine.
So Farewell, Vidal Sassoon
Apparently you were a great hairdresser.
All I know is that I hated reading First World War poetry for O-Level English.
Facebook shares plummet in value.
Friday: debuted on NASDAQ at $38 per share, valuing entire company at $104 billion.
Monday: shares drop to 38 cents, valuing the entire company at $38.
Tuesday: Mark Zuckerberg files for bankruptcy
Kuwaiti MP banned from Parliament for spitting
Blames his camel who's fond of expelling a mouthful
".......AND THE WINNER IS!"
Yet another British pisshead does the Magaluf Hotel 'Balcony Nosedive' making it three within a month...surely worthy of a UK Gold Medal for continuity?
Will Smith says he supports Obama's call for higher taxes on top earners
Well, that's mighty white of … er, thanks for the sacrifice, Will
Mark Zuckerberg updates Facebook status day.
Married! One day after his personal wealth was estimated at over $20 million when Facebook listed on the NASDAQ.
Obviously thinking about them marriage tax breaks?
Harry Redknapp to apply for 'vacant' Chelsea managers job
Well that's one way of him managing an English team in the Champions League next year.
Correction - it's probably the only way.
DFS SALE.........LIMITED TIME ONLY
DFS announce latest sale in run up to Christmas...........
Order before 01/06/12 for guaranteed delivery
UK royal tearoom owner ejects non-royalists!
A UK royal tearoom owner ejected 3 non-royalists because they refused to stand up as the national anthem played. She knew they were non-royalists because they were wearing Cromwell helmets!
Dangerous Fortune Teller At Large
The hunt is on for the fortune teller who told a Yorkshire mother of 4 to make 2 of them into slaves for Gypsies. Could this be the same fortune teller who taught David Cameron?
Bungay Bungay Match in Bungay, Suffolk
A football match was held in the Suffolk village of Bungay where every player shared the same name of 'Bungay'. This is not to be confused with Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 60
Ted E. Behr
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 61
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 62
Aaron D. Tires.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 63
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 64
A. Paula Jize.
Mr Bean Arrested
Sean Bean,that is!
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 37
Cutbacks on Olympic countdown clock
Today is 66 days to the start of the games, but organisers have just turned the '99 days' sign upside down.
Naked unicyclist charged for distracting drivers
Police say a man arrested in a Southeast Texas city for riding his unicycle in the nude was distracting drivers and creating a hazard.
Something to do with his left turn signal.
Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 42
President Obama's embraces same-sex marriage
The President said, "I was reading Charles Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species' in bed, when Michelle passed me the mixed nuts, it was then that I had a 'natural selection' moment and I evolved."
Its that time of the year again when we have the BAFTA awards inflicted upon us: or as they are known.....
People could be queuing at airports for up to 4 hours during the Olympics...unless of course they make a break for it and 'hurdle' the barriers!
British spy cacked 'underpants' bomb plot
Hmmm, reckon an arse - er, 'r'! - is missing somewhere in that headline
Worst civil servants to be hacked
PM puts his foot in his mouth in sacking headline faux pass
Cable's No Fault Dismissal
Mad Bolshevik Vince Cable has been sacked, but it was not his fault.
WTF 'Dalai Lama to give away £1m at St Paul's Cathedral'?
Probably nicked it from a bent fortune cookie company...
Will.i.am carries the Olympic flame.
Well. I. Never.
Egyptians Vote in Historic Election
It will be interesting to see who they think is the better judge - Britney or Demi Lovatio?
Romney Makes Bold Prediction About His First Term
"I'm gonna pay even less tax than I do now!"
Facebook to Merge
It can be revealed that social networking giant, Facebook, is to merge with fashion clothing manufacturer/retailer Fat Face to become FatFacebook
Man O Man it's City!
The Red Devils lost their satanic powers last night and were "Blue-n" away. United have now lost 2 titles; the most hated club in the UK and the other one; every negative has a positive!
MP's call for bad teachers to be paid less....that should save £millions overnight based on the demeaner of most of the teachers I've come across!
"One flew over alright!"
Would be wannabe-cook-chef Heston 'Blofeld' Blumenthal named 'World's Best Chef'...by the inmates of Broadmoor High security wing!
MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 2)
Russell Brand spotted protesting naked in Trafalger Square.
Looks like the marriage breakdown with Katy has finally hit him...
MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 3)
Weather experts warned of flooding in the North of England after uncontrollable outburst of tears in the Manchester area on Monday night around 9.57pm.
More as we get it...
Manchester derby: Experts call for Investigation
Experts have called for racehorse owner Sir Alex Ferguson to be investigated after reports he used the whip several times on 11 donkeys in the Manchester area on Monday night around 10pm.
Robbers Disguise Was 'Pants'
A robbery in South London was foiled when the would-be robber was identified by his boxer shorts which he wore on his head. Forensics took a DNA swab from a skidmark to discover whose they were.
Long To Reign Over Us: Prince Charles Presents The Weather Live on the BBC
Finally - the sponger has got himself a real job!
Japanese Vehicle Licensing Authority Trying to Trace Owner of Harley
A Harley Davidson was washed up on a Canadian beach 14 months after the tsunami in Japan. The DVLA in Tokyo are trying to trace the owner because the tax disc ran out several months ago.
Obama explains Same-Sex marriage position
'One on top - one underneath - the same as normal sex positions'
Tea Party to Abolish Donuts!
Ms. Sylvia Trumpet, spokeswoman for the Boston based Tea Party, reported that they have entered a bill to abolish the donut and replace it with crumpets. She added: "God save Queen Latifa!"
National lottery says ITV'S new channel ITV minus1 could attract cheaters.
The National lottery says ITV'S new channel ITV minus1 could attract cheaters. The new channel which shows programs an hour early is due to start in July.
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