There were 597 spoof news snippets published in May 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

Order by:
Rating:

Sex Survey Reveals Women's "Sexiest Time"

My old woman reckons it's when I go down the pub and the geezer next door comes in to service the boiler :(

written by Clive Danton, 10 May 2012
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Top UK nuclear dumping ground Romney Marsh twinned with US wannabe President

Mitt Romney just as toxic

written by queen mudder, 17 May 2012
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Jessica Ennis coach hits out at UK Athletics for labelling her 'fat'

They meant to say 'fit'

written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
Rating:

Founder of Paypal sends SpaceX rocket into space.

Lets hope it gets there quicker than my paypal refund.

written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
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Launch success for SpaceX mission

They confirmed they have successfully launched a spaceship into space at 3am this morning with Piers Morgan on board on a one way ticket.
(Sadly, I might have made the Piers Morgan bit up)

written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
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Christine Lagarde: Time is running out for Osborne's Plan A

Trouble is he doesn't have a Plan B.

written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
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$1 billion 'ghost town' coming to New Mexico

Expect a wave of phantom pregnancy law suits to follow

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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Roy Hodgson's successful initiation as England manager!

Ray Hodgson's first training session was a huge success, during his introduction in Manchester he managed to keep the players attention for longer that 5 minutes and none of them fell asleep!

written by Jaggedone, 24 May 2012
Rating:

John Travolta accused of sexual battery!

He only popped in to charge his phone.

written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
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Obama's Ex-Girlfriends Speak Out

'Yes we did'

written by radiogagger, 03 May 2012
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George Osborne Is Dyslexic

The government have been forced to make a U-turn on its pastie tax after George Osborne admitted that he was dyslexic and originally thought that it was the patsie tax.

written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
Rating:

The Queen's Feat

The Queen has been on her throne for sixty years! NO SHIT!!!

written by j.w., 29 May 2012
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Blair Becomes Puppet Master

After serving an apprenticeship of being Bush's "poodle" Tony Blair is now a puppet master in his own right. He has now forged a "special" relationship with David Cameron and they regularly practice telling lies to each other.

written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
Rating:

'Jeopardy!' host Alex Trebek mulling retirement

Producers won't let him go because he didn't preface it with 'WHAT'

written by JAB, 05 May 2012
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Teen arrested after homework left at crime scene!

An 18-year-old Utah man was arrested. Orem police say they tracked a USB drive found at the burglarized home to Dallas Naljahih, the drive had his homework on it.

"The fool!"

written by Inchcock, 22 May 2012
Rating:

The longest word ever used in the House of Commons is floccinaucinihilipilification!

Conservative MP Jacob Rees-Mogg used floccinaucinihilipilification in the House of Commons!

I found Anticonstitucionalissimamente - "in a very unconstitutional way" more fitting for the Coalition!

written by Inchcock, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Santander Bank downgraded by credit agencies.

And they didn't even mention the customer service!

written by radiogagger, 18 May 2012
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Only two women in Francois Hollande's life not to be messed with??

Yep, one's his momma, the other his pet pirhana

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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70-Year-Old Virgin Seeking Suitor

Always wondered when a sequel to 'The 40 Year Old Virgin' was coming out...

written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
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Was Jack The Ripper Really A Woman?

Jackie The Ripper?

written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
Rating:

Australian women most likely to have sex!

According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.

"Yahoo!"

written by Inchcock, 01 May 2012
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BBC Excluding the BNP

The BBC have been told to avoid mentioning the BNP. "We've been blacklisted," said Nick Griffin. "How ironic is that?"

written by IainB, 20 May 2012
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Kim Kardashian: Essex sounds like my kind of place

Could be something to do with her IQ.

written by radiogagger, 21 May 2012
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Cameron says he is 'driven like Margaret Thatcher'

Hopefully not in the back of a NewsCorpse limo...

written by queen mudder, 22 May 2012
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Eddie Stobart lands outer-space contract!

Giant trucking company Eddie Stobart has landed the contract to bring goods to the space-centre in outer space (where else?). He is over the moon!

written by Jaggedone, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Hard reign's a gonna fall:

Charles turns prescient weatherman

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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Comic Izzard to run 27 marathons for Nelson Mandela

Personally I'd prefer to wear the ankle tag instead

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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WTF 'Federico Garcia Lorca could have fled Spain at start of Civil War'??

The guy was wedded to the whiskey vat down the Brown Pub in Bantry Bay

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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Kylie Minogue to appear in adult version of childrens cartoon

Called Sponge Bob Hot Pants.

written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
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Sir Tom Jones has an iconic red phone box cemented into the ground by his swimmming pool in his LA home

Just thought you'd like to know!

written by Inchcock, 06 May 2012
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Human rights protesters arrested outside Eurovision Song Contest in Azerbaijan

After entering last year as well, theirs only so much Jedward the Europeans can take.

written by radiogagger, 25 May 2012
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Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.4

Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen!

written by Inchcock, 13 May 2012
Rating:

Bartholomew Utterswaithes's Truisms. No.8

If the effort that went into research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now have a McDonald's open and trading on the moon!

written by Inchcock, 15 May 2012
Rating:

Martha Stewart Wore See-Through Dress

I closed my eyes and still had nightmares.

written by radiogagger, 02 May 2012
Rating:

Love sick Lady Gaga cancels Indonesia gig!

Lady Gaga has cancelled her Indonesia gig not because of security reasons; she is love sick and can't bear the pain of living him. Jean Paul Gaultier loves him too, but has no chance!

written by Jaggedone, 27 May 2012
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French elite plan to relocate to London to avoid new tax regime

As they say, "If a frog had wings it would save a lot of wear and tear on its ass"

written by JAB, 12 May 2012
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Euro your way I'll go mine!

Well done Englebert time for a mug of Philosan and a speedy return to the pine box...until next time...don't forget to de-flea the wig bro'

written by Herrdoktorfox, 27 May 2012
Rating:

Eating Eggs at Breakfast Can Help You Lose Weight

Scientists suggest that eating eggs for breakfast can help with weight loss. Didn't they also say that it is a great source of salmonella?

written by IN SEINE, 12 May 2012
Rating:

Eddie Iz Mad

Eddie Izzard is to run 27 marathons in 27 days for Nelson Mandela in South Africa.
I'm doing my bit as well - I'm going to eat 27 snicker bars, maybe more, in 27 days in Southend.

written by radiogagger, 13 May 2012
Rating:

Edward Munch 'The Scream' sells at auction for $120m

Bit early - Mitt Romney is already planning the decor in the White House!

written by radiogagger, 03 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 65

"My Life as a Landscaper"

by

Moe D. Grass.

written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 66

"Great Ketchup Recipes"

by

Tom Mato

written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 67

"Women Urged To Conserve Manpower"

by

U. Singh Boyce

written by IN SEINE, 31 May 2012
Rating:

Complaints Over Puppy Prize On ITV Show

About 180 people have moaned to Ofcom after a puppy was given away on the show 'Keith Lemon's LemonAid'.

Some say there are plenty of reasons to complain about the show, but this isn't one of them.

written by Simon Saunders, 04 May 2012
Rating:

Hermes Birkin handbag for sale on eBay

A $100,000 Hermes Birkin crocodile handbag has been spotted for sale on eBay - with slight scorch marks. It has currently reached $25,000.

written by IN SEINE, 29 May 2012
Rating:

Tony Blair & David Cameron Forge "Special" Relationship

...and yes, it is a forgery!

written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
Rating:

Tellytubbies Are Not Gay!

"We were just born THAT way! Get over it" So says La La - "Stonewall has nothing to do with us" she added.

written by IN SEINE, 30 May 2012
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"Five Wives" Vodka to Be Rebranded

"Five Wives" vodka once deemed as insulting to Mormons has now been rebranded "Four Wives". Now it is widely used in Muslim nations. It has proved to be a hit for producers, Ogden's Distillery.

written by IN SEINE, 31 May 2012
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Commuters Forced to Wait for an Hour While Guard Has Sandwich

More than 50 commuters in Kent were forced to wait for almost an hour while the guard took time off to eat a chicken sandwich and a bag of crisps. Perhaps it was the wrong type of bread?

written by IN SEINE, 04 May 2012
Rating:

RAF to fly in perfect ER II formation at Diamond Jubilee

Yep, the sign of the swastika.

written by queen mudder, 15 May 2012
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Man Cleared Of Murder

The Judge at the High Court in Glasgow decided there was insufficient evidence to convict the man of murdering gangland figure Kevin "The Gerbil" Carroll.

Roland the rat is said to be very upset.

written by Simon Saunders, 05 May 2012
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WTF 'Scottish madam fails to disappoint Uri Geller's lawyer son?'

Come on Red Tops, do ya mean 'appoint'?

written by queen mudder, 15 May 2012
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Pippa Middleton is considering a move New York City

Middleton rejected Paris, after friend Romain Rabillard pointed a fake gun at photographers.
Try Nashville, permit holders can carry loaded firearms into bars and restaurants that serve alcohol.

written by JAB, 09 May 2012
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BNP Celebrates 20 years

The British National Party is twenty years old this week, and celebrated with a big party. Where they only served white wine.

written by IainB, 21 May 2012
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So Farewell, Vidal Sassoon

Apparently you were a great hairdresser.

All I know is that I hated reading First World War poetry for O-Level English.

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Facebook shares plummet in value.

Friday: debuted on NASDAQ at $38 per share, valuing entire company at $104 billion.
Monday: shares drop to 38 cents, valuing the entire company at $38.
Tuesday: Mark Zuckerberg files for bankruptcy

written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Kuwaiti MP banned from Parliament for spitting

Blames his camel who's fond of expelling a mouthful

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
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".......AND THE WINNER IS!"

Yet another British pisshead does the Magaluf Hotel 'Balcony Nosedive' making it three within a month...surely worthy of a UK Gold Medal for continuity?

written by Herrdoktorfox, 06 May 2012
Rating:

Will Smith says he supports Obama's call for higher taxes on top earners

Well, that's mighty white of … er, thanks for the sacrifice, Will

written by JAB, 08 May 2012
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Mark Zuckerberg updates Facebook status day.

Married! One day after his personal wealth was estimated at over $20 million when Facebook listed on the NASDAQ.
Obviously thinking about them marriage tax breaks?

written by radiogagger, 20 May 2012
Rating:

Harry Redknapp to apply for 'vacant' Chelsea managers job

Well that's one way of him managing an English team in the Champions League next year.
Correction - it's probably the only way.

written by radiogagger, 20 May 2012
Rating:

DFS SALE.........LIMITED TIME ONLY

DFS announce latest sale in run up to Christmas...........
Order before 01/06/12 for guaranteed delivery

written by asphyxiation, 21 May 2012
Rating:

UK royal tearoom owner ejects non-royalists!

A UK royal tearoom owner ejected 3 non-royalists because they refused to stand up as the national anthem played. She knew they were non-royalists because they were wearing Cromwell helmets!

written by Jaggedone, 21 May 2012
Rating:

Dangerous Fortune Teller At Large

The hunt is on for the fortune teller who told a Yorkshire mother of 4 to make 2 of them into slaves for Gypsies. Could this be the same fortune teller who taught David Cameron?

written by IN SEINE, 09 May 2012
Rating:

Bungay Bungay Match in Bungay, Suffolk

A football match was held in the Suffolk village of Bungay where every player shared the same name of 'Bungay'. This is not to be confused with Silvio Berlusconi's Bunga Bunga parties.

written by IN SEINE, 09 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 60

"Cuddly Toys"

by

Ted E. Behr

written by IN SEINE, 24 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 61

"America's Longest River"

by

Mrs.Hippy

written by IN SEINE, 25 May 2012
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 62

"Blowout"

by

Aaron D. Tires.

written by IN SEINE, 26 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 63

"The Wrong Man"

by

Hans Offme.

written by IN SEINE, 27 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 64

"I'm Sorry"

by

A. Paula Jize.

written by IN SEINE, 28 May 2012
Rating:

Mr Bean Arrested

Sean Bean,that is!

written by IN SEINE, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 37

"Handel's Messiah"

by

Ollie Luyah

written by IN SEINE, 01 May 2012
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Cutbacks on Olympic countdown clock

Today is 66 days to the start of the games, but organisers have just turned the '99 days' sign upside down.

written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Cheerleader kicks herself in the face

Curb your enthusiasm lass.

Watch here

written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Naked unicyclist charged for distracting drivers

Police say a man arrested in a Southeast Texas city for riding his unicycle in the nude was distracting drivers and creating a hazard.
Something to do with his left turn signal.

written by JAB, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 42

"And Shut Up!"

by

Sid Downe

written by IN SEINE, 06 May 2012
Rating:

President Obama's embraces same-sex marriage

The President said, "I was reading Charles Darwin's 'On the Origin of Species' in bed, when Michelle passed me the mixed nuts, it was then that I had a 'natural selection' moment and I evolved."

written by JAB, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Man Dressed as Dead Mom for Years

Pyscho! or just a fraud?

Story here

written by radiogagger, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Luvvie time.

Its that time of the year again when we have the BAFTA awards inflicted upon us: or as they are known.....
B........Bloody
A........Awful
F........Feckin'
T........Television
A........Anglais.

written by Herrdoktorfox, 22 May 2012
Rating:

Record Breakers

People could be queuing at airports for up to 4 hours during the Olympics...unless of course they make a break for it and 'hurdle' the barriers!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 22 May 2012
Rating:

British spy cacked 'underpants' bomb plot

Hmmm, reckon an arse - er, 'r'! - is missing somewhere in that headline

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Worst civil servants to be hacked

PM puts his foot in his mouth in sacking headline faux pass

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Cable's No Fault Dismissal

Mad Bolshevik Vince Cable has been sacked, but it was not his fault.

written by j.w., 23 May 2012
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WTF 'Dalai Lama to give away £1m at St Paul's Cathedral'?

Probably nicked it from a bent fortune cookie company...

written by queen mudder, 10 May 2012
Rating:

Will.i.am carries the Olympic flame.

Well. I. Never.

written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
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Egyptians Vote in Historic Election

It will be interesting to see who they think is the better judge - Britney or Demi Lovatio?

written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
Rating:

Romney Makes Bold Prediction About His First Term

"I'm gonna pay even less tax than I do now!"

written by radiogagger, 23 May 2012
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Facebook to Merge

It can be revealed that social networking giant, Facebook, is to merge with fashion clothing manufacturer/retailer Fat Face to become FatFacebook

written by IN SEINE, 23 May 2012
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Man O Man it's City!

The Red Devils lost their satanic powers last night and were "Blue-n" away. United have now lost 2 titles; the most hated club in the UK and the other one; every negative has a positive!

written by Jaggedone, 01 May 2012
Rating:

"Wacko!"

MP's call for bad teachers to be paid less....that should save £millions overnight based on the demeaner of most of the teachers I've come across!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 01 May 2012
Rating:

"One flew over alright!"

Would be wannabe-cook-chef Heston 'Blofeld' Blumenthal named 'World's Best Chef'...by the inmates of Broadmoor High security wing!

written by Herrdoktorfox, 01 May 2012
Rating:

MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 2)

Russell Brand spotted protesting naked in Trafalger Square.

Looks like the marriage breakdown with Katy has finally hit him...

written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Rating:

MAYDAY MAYDAY (part 3)

Weather experts warned of flooding in the North of England after uncontrollable outburst of tears in the Manchester area on Monday night around 9.57pm.
More as we get it...

written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Rating:

Manchester derby: Experts call for Investigation

Experts have called for racehorse owner Sir Alex Ferguson to be investigated after reports he used the whip several times on 11 donkeys in the Manchester area on Monday night around 10pm.

written by radiogagger, 01 May 2012
Rating:

Robbers Disguise Was 'Pants'

A robbery in South London was foiled when the would-be robber was identified by his boxer shorts which he wore on his head. Forensics took a DNA swab from a skidmark to discover whose they were.

written by IN SEINE, 02 May 2012
Rating:

Long To Reign Over Us: Prince Charles Presents The Weather Live on the BBC

Finally - the sponger has got himself a real job!

written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
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Japanese Vehicle Licensing Authority Trying to Trace Owner of Harley

A Harley Davidson was washed up on a Canadian beach 14 months after the tsunami in Japan. The DVLA in Tokyo are trying to trace the owner because the tax disc ran out several months ago.

written by IN SEINE, 02 May 2012
Rating:

Obama explains Same-Sex marriage position

'One on top - one underneath - the same as normal sex positions'

written by radiogagger, 11 May 2012
Rating:

Tea Party to Abolish Donuts!

Ms. Sylvia Trumpet, spokeswoman for the Boston based Tea Party, reported that they have entered a bill to abolish the donut and replace it with crumpets. She added: "God save Queen Latifa!"

written by raburcke, 11 May 2012
Rating:

National lottery says ITV'S new channel ITV minus1 could attract cheaters.

The National lottery says ITV'S new channel ITV minus1 could attract cheaters. The new channel which shows programs an hour early is due to start in July.

written by Glen Jacobs, 02 May 2012
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