Spoof news snippets from Sunday 4 March 2012
First Rangers: Now Man Utd in EBT 2nd Contract scandal
Man Utd face new 'illegal' 2nd Contract sham as Referees Webb, Atkinson & Clattenburg all quizzed over secret 'offshore' payments through the FEBT (Fergie Extra Bung Trust)
McIlroy Holds On For Victory
Honda Classic: Rory McIlroy withstood Tiger Woods' 62 to get the win and No. 1 ranking. Tiger puts his best day forward but still no wins. The Curse of Thanksgiving, 2009 continues!
Washington Waste Deplored
Poll: Vast majority say rich already pay fair share. "It's Washington's waste that needs changing."
Gluten-Free Cakes The Joy Of Paris!
Gluten-free cakes bring tears of joy to Paris. "You're darn tootin, we like free-gluten!". Some overcome completely and faint in the cafes.
The New Space Race Begins
As the Russians plan to reach the sun first, the Irish Space Agency are going to blast off from Cape Killarney, tonight. If the temperatures get too high, the Eireonauts can roll up their sleeves.
Britain Accuses Martians of Fly Tipping
Home Secretary, William Hague, has accused the Martians of fly tipping after many people on England's West coast reported a UFO falling to earth in flames. The object came from the Mars direction.
The Modern World Is Too Complicated, Concludes Government Think Tank
'Too much emphasis has been placed on increasing educational attainment,' said a spokesman. 'What is really required is to make life simpler so people don't need so much education.'
Latest From Wrong Paul
Ron Paul: No Federal Financial Aid for Tornado Victims! Voters: No election wins for you!
Harry Potter star Rupert Grint buys ice cream van.
Magnum! I mean magic!
Seven month pregnant Stacy Solomon spotted smoking
You can take the girl out of Essex...
Jermaine Defoe dating A burk.
Apologies, that should read dating Alexandra Burke.
Well, better than his normal conquests of Big Brother rejects and page 3 models. This one's got the X factor (well, had it)
95 yr old gran climbs out of coffin 6 days after burial.
Eh?! Well, I suppose it's cheaper than a spa centre or rehab.
FIFA (finally) plan to introduce goal line technology
Blimey, this is gonna makes the newspapers even thinner and the radio moan-ins, sorry phone-ins shorter than they already are...
Premier League: Tottenham 1 Man United 3 (full time)
After losing 5-2 to Arsenal last week, and now today's result, Harry offered this explanation: Well you know, we have a tough game with Stevenage midweek in the FA Cup, I had to rest a few players"
BBC renamed part of Broadcasting House after John Peel
Called the 'Peel Wing' although 'Reel to Reel Wing' was also considered.
Someone Ask Yogi Berra What He Said
Former President George Bush told a reporter in Dallas today that "If I had ran my second term in office first, I never would have been re-elected."
Good News Is Bad Too
The Bad News: Astronomers stated today that a huge asteroid could hit the earth by next year. The Good News: The Mayans may be right and we won't be here to see it.
Bet He Had A Camera
Pippa Middleton has completed a 56-mile cross-country ski marathon in Sweden - taking a respectable 412th place. Still she's upset about guy following her in 413th place never tried to pass.
Saint's Heart Still Missing
Dublin, Ireland church that had the saint's heart stolen are sending a team to check if it was left in San Francisco.
Obama: More Carpooling Please!
President Obama says that if gas reaches $6 a gallon, more people will carpool. Thus far, only gangs and clowns have agreed with him.
Bit Fat Gypsy star hit with large tax demand
Plans to pay it off selling lucky heather door to door.
No We Won't!
Gingrich: Obama's Goal Is '$8 or $9 a Gallon' Gas! That's the only way he believes that we will go electric. But Americans will do without other things and sales will bottom out on everything.
Madness Spreads Around The World!
Syria leader Assad asks western countries to "get a good look at Hillary. I think she's madder than I am!"
Humperdink Will Sing For UK at Eurovision
....that's our chances well fucked from the outset!
Mystery Meteor Flashes Across British Skies.
...."Dirty boy, behave yourself!"
Cracker Barrel Of Monkeys
Police say that for the third time this year, someone has released a couple of monkeys in Cracker Barrel. "We suspect a former employee", says County Sheriff. "Believe me, this isn't funny."
US Told To Tighten Belt
President Obama has asked the nation to tightened it's belt, especially those at Wal-Mart. Interviewed at Wal-Mart, customer responds, "Belts? Half of them here aren't half dressed!"
No More Free Info!
Bank Of America to begin charging customers for talking to tellers.
Ky. Couple Named Son, Jughead!
Eastern Kentucky couple say that neither of them ever heard of Archie Comics. "He just came out that way at the horspital", says Dad, "Keg Head" McCoy.
Chelsea sack Andre Villas-Boas
And replace him with first team coach Roberto Di Matteo until the end of the season.
So it's AVB to RDM.
"Tired Of Hearing It!"
Food Critic shot by his wife in the kitchen. Police say victim had skillet-shaped head, four bullets and 37 knife wounds.
"This Is Our 125 Group With Britney!"
President Obama has asked Hollywood friends and supporters to help US draw more tourists to the country by offering to pose for touring group pictures.
Once Ran For President
Politician John Edwards stated today that no matter what has happened to him over the past 5 years, he's still the pretty one.
Two-thirds of China's cities fail on air standards!
"With Upcoming major health problems, they will get off that 'one-child per couple' thing in a few years", says Chinese reporter who asked not to be identified.
Mouth Farts?
After hearing President Obama say Romney was "Shoveling the you-know-what", Romney refers Obama remarks as 'mouth farts!'
Gun Laws Attacked Again
Shooting outside Texas nightclub leaves 476 wounded.
Saint's ancient heart stolen from Dublin cathedral
"We don't believe the thief meant any harm", states Bishop. "After all, he has the heart of a saint."
Limbaugh Apologizes
Limbaugh apologizes to law student for insult. "I think I've gotten about all the free publicity over this as I can."
"Bring Out Your Barely Alive, Your Rich 90-Year-Old Pussies!"
Mobile euthanasia units launched in Netherlands.
Judge Orders Illegal High School Valedictorian To Leave US
Valedictorian had perfect grade average and had planned to turn in his paper on "How to turn sewage into oil!"
700-Pound Man Stuck in Bed Turns to YOUTUB O' LARD for Help!
Sorry, that should read "YOUTUBE"!
Santorum accuses DRUDGE of being Romney cheerleader!
Drudge Report denies this. "Romney He's Our Man!" was the cheer at recent school gym event. We only reported it 46 times.
Everton boss David Moyes says everyone in the Premier League should take a 20% pay cut
Well said that man. Although he mean't 50%
Newt up by double digits in GA!
Oppenents accuse him of giving away free Viagra, Levitra.
"They're At It Again, Martha!"
Couple sues over neighbor's noisy wooden floor. Later dismissed after judge learns that noisy floor right under bed and neighbors are newlyweds!
Another Misspeak?
CO guv introduces Lt. Gov. as 'sex star' at elem school. Apologizes later to students for phrase and to Lt Guv. who favors Barney Fife.
Volt Production Stops
GOV'T MOTORS halts production of Chevy Volt. With few sales and fire hazard, it's became known as the Chevy Goat.
Air Fares Going Up!
Record High Jet Fuel Prices Cause Spike in Airline Fares! Also, anything else they can think of.
Edward Wants Sex Tape
John Edwards asks judge not to destroy sex tape. "Might as well have something for all the trouble it's cost me."
125% Taxes Coming
President Obama says, should he be re-elected, he will raise taxes on the wealthy (those with more money than him), 125% to make up for past ten years.
Rafa Benitez on brink of replacing Andre Villas-Boas as Chelsea manager
Has he guaranteed Abramovitch a top four finish like he did to old employers Liverpool?
* (They finished 7th and he got sacked)
Cut duty on fuel..create 180,000 jobs Experts' view as diesel hits high
Cut fuel duty? Cameron? Hague? Osborne? The Coalition?
"Well that suggestion is doomed to be ignored!"
Man dies after accidentally drinking gasoline from salsa jar then lighting cigarette!
Gary Allen Banning, was taken to a local hospital late Monday after police responded to a 911 call from a resident reporting an apartment fire.
"Well, they say smoking is bad for your health!"
Cold & Slick
Areas of Europe have had an unusually cold snowy winter while the lot of the US had no winter. In fact, it has been so bad in areas of Russia that it is already being called "Ass-Buster 0f 2012!".
Saint Hairslick?
Big mix-up at the Vatican yesterday when coach Rick Patino of the Louisville Cardinals was declared to be a saint.
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