Spoof news snippets from Thursday 29 March 2012

Bad Headline Number 97:

Student Studies Hard for Apiculture

A student at Harper Adams agricultural College in Shropshire took a course in apiculture. Although he studied very intensely, in his final exam he got a bee.

French scientist is head of Al Qaeda!

A French nuclear scientist has been divulged as the new leader of Al Qaeda; thank god they caught him before he had time to "drop one"! Qui, Qui, c'est bomb!

Panic petrol buying is driving meth drinkers mad too!

UK petrol stations are being inundated with panic petrol buyers who fear there won't be any left! Meth drinkers are also going mad because they need plenty of fuel to keep them going too!

Patrick Viera's mouth is bigger than Rooney's pay packet!

Ex-Gooner and Man City talkaholic, Patrick Viera, has proven to the world that his gob is bigger than Wayne Rooney's pay packet and that is "ginormous", imbecile!

Balotelli gate crashes press conference!

Enfant Terriblé, Mario Balotelli, gate-crashed an Italian press conference because he thought it was wrong not to invite him and said "why do they always forget me?"

50th aniversary of breast implants and they keep on growing!

It's 50 years since the first breast implant was made and they keep on growing and growing; it's surprising what chewy pieces of silicone have achieved and they certainly are not "hanging around"!

Millions of UK Motorists Caught in Government Tax Scam

Rumours of a strike by fuel tanker drivers has sparked off panic buying which means millions of pounds in tax for the government coffers. Chancellor, George Osborne called it: "a nice little earner!"

Kagan Dumb as a Rock

Justice Kagen either favors overturn of O'Care or she is unbelievably STUPID. "How can you object to a boatload of free government money" she asked in a laughable attempt to justify the "act".

Ground Breaking Gastro Pub Wins Highest Gastro Pub Award

'We have taken the gastro pub to its ultimate conclusion,' said the winning chef. 'No food is provided, but meticulous attention is given to decorating empty plates - all at ultra-premium prices.'

Rihanna denies relationship with Ashton Kutcher

'I just visited his bachelor pad at midnight (and left at 4am) to borrow an umber-rella ella ella...'

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 4

Humble Pie Exempt from VAT

The Government has announced that humble pie will not be included in the pie tax. A spokesman said "It's all the PM ever eats"

World record bridal train displayed in Romania

A hot air balloon floated over Bucharest and a model wearing what is thought to be world's longest bridal train, The train was 1.85-mile-long!

"Another show off!"

Utah woman, 101, paraglides into record books

Great-great grandmother Mary Hardison of Ogden has been officially recognised as the "Oldest Female to Paraglide Tandem" by Guinness World Records.

"Blimey!"

The Supremes Deliberate O'Care

Concerned citizens sense SCOTUS to scuttle socialist strategy. Duped dependents defiantly demand free dispensations. Pundits prophesy provision's pitfalls. President piddles as Court ponders purpose.

Let Cats Eat the Corn Fillers

Some cat food ads tout that their brand doesn't contain corn fillers, but healthy real food such as fish and chicken. Let the cats eat the corn filler and feed hungry children the fish and chicken!

A Difficult Decision

As part of the Supreme Court's addressing the ObamaCare insurance mandate is the determination of whether working girls are eligible for free contraceptives paid for by their employer!

Fear or Feckless

Sen. Santorum fears if he drops out of presidential race Pres. Obama will be reelected. Republican Party fears if Sen. Santorum doesn't drop out of presidential race Pres. Obama will be reelected.

In the Year 3013

President Jeb Bush III dedicated the Obama Dam spanning the Chicago River. The USA finally became energy independent in 3000 when Marty McFly invented, in his garage, the compact fusion reactor!

Best Chili in Town

A local Vegan restaurant frequented by PETA members was raided by the Department of Health, which found the Vegetarian Chili was made with stray alley cats!

Obama's Re-election Campaign Blues

Less than 7% of President Obama's 2008 donors renewed their campaign support. Political pundits attribute the loss of interest to a "Romney for President" bumper sticker on the Presidential limousine!

Time to Leave the Court

In the Louisiana Republican primary former Senator Santorum had a campaign rebound, but he may ultimately wind up dribbling the ball off the court after hitting his head on the backboard!

Stroke of Luck

Republican presidential candidate former House Speaker Gingrich wins $500 million in Pennsylvania lottery. He indicates that his campaign can continue onwards!

Modern Medicine

Former Republican VP Cheney has undergone a successful heart transplant. It is rumored on Capitol Hill that Democratic Senate Majority Leader Reid is considering having a brain implant!

New Erosion Protection Device Undergoes Tests

San Francisco CA dumps tons of rock, concrete slabs, granite & used sidewalks into breaches to stop shoreline erosion. Ten thousand rabid environmentalists objected & will now form a human seawall!

Another Gift

Former Senator Santorum (R-PA) says if he loses his 2012 Republican presidential bid it will be another gift, since now I have to go out and get a real job!

Demagogue in Chief

The Reverend Al Sharpton has rendered a guilty verdict, without trial, against a man who turns out to be Hispanic. Do you hear the chorus singing Tawana Brawley, Tawana Brawley and Tawana Brawley!

Double the Flush Tax

Democratic Governor of Maryland wants to double the "flush tax" to upgrade the state's sewer systems/plants. The governor has done such a sh*t job, that he needs to dispose of the evidence!

Nuclear Meeting in South Korea

Pres. Obama joins world leaders whose goal is to secure nuclear material & prevent it from being smuggled to states/groups intent on mass destruction. Unfortunately, North Korea & Iran will be absent!

Where's the Outrage

Saudi Arabia religious official issues fatwa that all churches on Arabian Peninsula be destroyed. If a Christian leader issued such a decree about US Mosques, left wing loons would be having a cow!

See You in Court Sonny

The Democratic liberal left sends letters to everybody they have an email address for, touting ObamaCare. However, there seem to be nine names missing from their list!

Whose Side is Obama On?

Obama administration plans to cut the $25 million to train/arm airline pilots as not being cost effective. Yet the president blows $2.6 billion on useless green energy programs such as Solyndra etal!

On the Other Hand

Baltimore Maryland's Democratic Mayor wants to raise the bottle tax on soft drinks and lower the city's property tax rate at the same time.

Far Left Wing Democrat Gets Rebuked

The aims of King Obama I's healthcare law are covered in the Declaration of Independence, House Minority Leader Pelosi (D-CA) told Congress. Thomas Jefferson of Virginia rose and took exception!

Obama Administration Protects Birds

New regulations have been federally mandated to protect birds from being hit by "green" energy wind farm blades. Unfortunately birds can't read, but they will be covered by ObamaCare!