Spoof news snippets from Thursday 15 March 2012
Graduate Unemployment Rises
'It's really depressing,' said a typical unemployed graduate. 'It sometimes makes me feel that my four year MSc in Media Studies was a complete waste of time.'
Part of DC's Mall may be sinking faster than normal
Republicans say it's caused by all the tunneling Bill Clinton did all over the area for eight years to sneak out of the White House at night.
Pope to Have Own Perfume
The Pope is to have his very own purfume made. Called Achtung! it will smell of cordite & incense to remind the pontiff of good old days when he manned a German anti-aircraft gun in the Hitler Youth.
New York cuts pension benefits for public workers Banks hike fees, cut costs to boost profits
Plan to fire one-third of tellers. Replace them with cash out machines similar to those at casinos.
Inconvenient Photo Taken at Exxon Gas Station Just Outside White House
$5.39 Per Gallon! Probably with that? Take it up with the guy down the street!
A Level Exams Get Tougher
Writing your name correctly on an A level exam paper will now only achieve a 90% score.
Month of Five-year-old Boy Allows Him to Cut His Hair for the First Time
A five-year-old boy from Sunderland, who has hair down to his waist has been allowed to cut his hair by his mother, who can no longer afford to buy shampoo and conditioner.
Terrorist Warning Upped
Suspicious-looking truck ahead with wild-eyed driver has homemade sign, "Howl ist my Driven Hokay?"
Plan Future, Dig Oil Between Time
The president mocked Republican foes who snub his alternative energy plans, comparing them to those who questioned the revolutionary rise of television and automobiles. Why can't we do both?
World's ugliest dog dies!
The world's most ugly dog has died; and it wasn't a pretty sight!
Bilbao 2-United 0, they're sinking fast!
Man United have got caught up in a Biscayan storm and are sinking without trace, let's hope the Wolves don't ravage them on Sunday too!
Laughing Policeman...not!
Police who fail fitness tests 'face pay cut'....apparently officers should be able to reach level 5:4 on a bleep test. Doubtless after hearing this news most are 'f.bleep.g already f.bleep.g bleeping!
Just their luck!
HBO's horse racing saga 'LUCK' has been cancelled due to the death of three horses while filming...a classic case of... their Luck having run out!
Gingrich: No One Understands Me!
Bob Dylan: Tell me, talk to me like about it! But, everybody must get stoned, sooner or later.
Panetta Disarms Troops
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta arrived in the south of Afghanistan for a surprise visit on Wednesday morning, telling troops to go unarmed & carrying copy of "How To Lose A War For Dummies".
Where's Osama?
Aquaman tells New York Post that "there is no body of Osama Bin Laden down here!"
50 Kansas students, chaperones sickened after New York dinner
Locals seem OK. Many say they have gradually built up an immunity!
US Marines to cut four battalions, 12 air squadrons
President Obama: It's not like we're at war or anything! We'll still have a dozen Navy SEALS.
New York lawmakers pass sweeping pension cuts
Janitors and street cleaners want to know why they are being singled out!
Boomers Rename 'Me Generation"
According to a survey of people 60 and over, instead of being the 'Me Generation', most of their kids have become 'The Boomerang Generation'. "They're all moving back home!"
Corrie-hell!
79 year old Coronation veteran Bill Roache has spoken about his womanising past-claiming to have bedded 'hundreds' of women......probably way back when he was working in the RNIB....womens department!
Miracle Tree Brings Back Youth?
40-year-old Henry Pickard says he feels 16-years-old again after trying latest Miracle Tree tablets. "I woke up this morning with about 37 pimples all over my face...38"
Ace Ladder Lad On The Ball!
After only one year's employment at the Ace Ladder Company, local man gets 50 cent raise and small promotion. "I know it's not much but it's a step up", stated 21-year-old Horace Richardson!
Simple Simon met a PCO
Greggs bakers announce that they are opening hundreds more outlets.....meanwhile reports are coming in of a mass stampede by already overweight and surplus to requirement PCO's....!!
Blowout
Patrt time PM Do-nothing-Dave leaves Washington after lavish dinner, that should keep him full of wind at the next PQT debacle!
Smoking Even More Dangerous
A new study finds that people who smoke outside their place of business in the winter are ten times more likely to die from pneumonia than non-smokers!
Tits Up!
Thousands more women have 'faulty' implants....many wish they had never married in the first place!!
Free Wi-Fi on Underground!!
London Underground offer free Wi-Fi at up to 80 stations from this summer. With the soon-to-be mass congestion,station closures and delays at least the customers can amuse themselves will waiting!
Wealthy Obama donors attend state dinner #2
The "One Percent" group told that they can reduce their tax payments by donating to his favorite charity: Obama For President!
Surveillance cameras capture thieves stealing -- surveillance cameras.
Caught thief: Looks like we missed one!
Champions League: Chelsea 4 Napoli 1 (5-4 aggregate)
Looks like Napoli were caught napping.
Coronation Street's Ken Barlow: 'I Slept with 1000 Women'
What will Dierdre say?
Only another 2,000 to catch up with Julio Iglesias. And 34,000 to catch up with Fidel Castro
Glenn beck hates animals!
On today's radio show Beck called the surviving Occupy Wall Street crowd "godless, dumb, animals." Animal lovers and herdsmen say this is a rank insult to every animal they've owned or managed.
It's Happened Again
Polish government says yet another Polish-flagged ship has been hijacked, in surprise attack from a Pirate flagged ship.
"What's That Signal For, Mama?"
Batman blames naughty Batman/Robin Signal on the Joker!
Is a spicy meal good for your heart?
NO! It's beans! "Beans, beans, good for your heart..."
Deadly bat disease detected in north Alabama
Bruce Wayne tells citizens of Huntsville, "You're on your own!"
Peak bloom for DC cherry blossoms moved up
To last week. Sorry, caught us by surprise also.
Ad campaign shows smoking's scary side
Showing charred remains of the late sleeping smoker a bit rough say some.
Obama, Cartoon Network target bullying in documentary
Rush Limbaugh objects to his role in it.
NY state lawmakers to allow casino gambling
Mom & Pop Stores with big back rooms closing all over the city!
Finley Neighborhood Addition sewer meeting today
Be sure to wear your old clothes!
Future wrestlers get an early start
It's Junior versus Precious in tonight's crib match!
High-Profile Chinese Politician Bo Xilai Is Removed from Post
And tied to a tank target at Army Base!
'Pink Slime' Will Be a Choice for Schools 'Pink slime' will be a choice for schools
Votes thus far: Girls 100% against, Boys 100% For! ("Pink Slime is Cool!)
Veterans enraged over American flag with Obama's face in place of stars
Also, 50-foot high posters of President and over 100 statues placed around the country.
Price of gas in CA jumps 50 cents in one month
Obama promises to set up his tenth task force on problem.
UPDATE: Toilet paper crisis averted in New Jersey's capital city
After 90% of population go on 5-day Banana/peanut butter diet!
Drones becoming popular for personal and commercial use.
Why spend all that money on advertising when you can simply blow up the competition?
Thousands protest, chant anti-American slogans
"George Washington Had Wooden Teeth!" "Betsy Ross Was As Infidel!" "Obama Drinks Horse Piss Beer!"
What a Gay day!
Government minister Lynne Featherstone: "No rolling back on Gay marriages!"...0ooooh, Matron!
Pothole Mania.
It will take 11 years for England's local authorities to fill in potholes because of the huge backlog...bring back Bernard Cribbens and the gang mate, job sorted in 12 months!!
Tesco Chief Quits.
Tesco's UK Chief quits over poor sales....every LIDL helps cobber!!
Ofsted Rools OK
Ofsted states literacy standards are falling behind in schools...meanwhile Encyclopaedia Britannica ceases publication after 244 years...says it all really!
Wife Tells Husband She's Going Shopping for Clutches at Neiman Marcus
Husband replies "I didn't even know they sold cars."
Bad news, Good news
Tragic News, Boffins issue red meat warning. Exploding rectum a real possibility say experts. On the upside, Mr Cameron is having steak dinner with American fella.
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