Spoof news snippets from July 2012

Banks to bulldoze Florida to expand Disney

Now that the people have no money left, banks will be bulldozing house to expand playgrounds for the rich. See hour lead story, "How to make your hose 'dozer ready"

Cameron heaps praise on 'Tour de France' winner Bradley Wiggins

After having the concept of cycling explained to him and finding out who Bradley Wiggins is, our PM, clearly a cycling officiando, has declared himself "delighted" with Wiggins achievement.

Great.

New Olympic sport announced

Just two days before the Olympic Games begin, a new sport has been added to the event - Moaning.

Britain is sure to get gold, as famous whinging Londoner Mona Lott will moan about the Olympics.

Robin Van Persie statement to Arsenal fans.

"Its not about the money, money, money. I wanna win a trophy, trophy, trophy, even a Carling Cup, might cheer me up"

BBC reduces its star pay by £9.5 million in the financial year 2011-12.

It sounds like they've axed loads of highly paid stars until you realise that £6 million of the reduction was made by not renewing Jonathan Ross' contract.

TOWIE tv star bares bum at lap-dancing club.

Well that's one way to make a good impression at a job interview.

Euro 2020 football tournament could have 12 to 13 host cities

Has the European Championship turned into Formula One?

Prince Charles Quotes Shakespeare's Richard III

"A Horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

So they gave him Camilla...

Robin Van Persie to refuse new contract at Arsenal.

Rumour is he wants to join the Scottish Premier League to replace Rangers. Apparently he is a one man team.

Abbreviated

Why is it such a long word?

Englishman reaches final of Wimbledon

Jeremy Gusset will be the first Englishman to participate in the Wimbledon final for 73 years. He will be head ballboy.

Grampian Police Investigate Theft Of Up to 400 Sheep.

Police are looking for a man who has been having trouble sleeping.

A spokesman added that they will not allow anyone to pull the wool over
their eyes during the investigation.

Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate

Something for Nick Clegg to consider at the next meeting with Cameron.

"I've been robbed!"

Queen Liz has just published her financial accounts, which show that the Royal parasites cost the taxpayer 52p per person last year...daylight robbery considering the old fart is worth 42bn +!!

Jermaine Jackson denies his mother has gone missing

He said she's just gone away to get some peace and quiet while she reads '50 Shades of Grey'

My Broker

If he invests people's money - bit ominous that he is called a Broker

Jordanian politician pulls gun on rival during tv debate

Why did no-one ever do that to Dubya?

Internet 'Doomsday' Could Kick Thousands Offline On 9 July

If anyone misses my snippets send five quid to my office near the Bow Flyover and I'll post my gags to ya.

Empty Seats at Olympics

The army comes to the rescue again!

Gay Gordon can legally marry his male partner in Scotland!

Gay Gordon is preparing for his wedding in Scotland; guess what the happy pair will be wearing? You guessed it; "pink tartan kilts!"

Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding quashes reports she has reunited with former fiancé, Tom Crane

She's holding out for Tom Cruise...

Studies Show 80% of People Watch Sports On-Line This Summer

80% of people watching sports this summer will do so on-line. 100% of those people will do so after watching on-line porn.

Half-canned Brit saves 5 lives in Andalucia!

A brave rescue action took place in a swimming pool in Orgavia last night! A pissed Brit saved 5 lives from drowning; 2 wasps, 2 moths and a huge black beetle; They forgot to put on their swim vests!

Go compare 'vandalise' their own billboard ads

Well it was either them or us!

Man recovers car 42 years after theft

Sadly, his cigarettes and matches from the glove box were gone.

Rapper Ice T Makes Documentary

Ice T Makes a hip hop documentary. His studio will offer two versions: sweet and unsweet.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye visit sick kids in hospital

Haven't they suffered enough?

Vulcan Salute origins revealed!

The split-fingered Vulcan salute is actually intended to represent the first letter. As a boy, Leonard Nimoy observed his rabbi using it in benediction and was eventually added it to Star Trek lore!

Patrons at OctoMom Stripping Gig Very Offended

Peggy and Walter Jenkins and other patrons who came to see the OctoMom say what should have been a lovely show was ruined by excessive cigarette smoke and heavy cussing in the nightclub.

John Terry is not a racist because he's whiter than white!

John Terry is innocent and the whole soccer world is happy; but next time he hurls insults at his fellow pros maybe he should wash his mouth out with soap, that'll prove he's whiter than white!

Live Tennis Updates: God Indecisive

The almighty buys some time to decide the winner as play is suspended at a set all in Wimbledon final.

Troops deployed in London for Olympic games

Around 13,500 are being deployed, more than currently in Afghanistan!

It's a mad mad world!

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 105

Naked Winstone!

Jaime Winstone is to play a stripper in a gritty new drama being filmed in London.
Well at least its not her dad Ray...

Madonna 'I love you Poland' joke falls flat at Hyde Park concert

Looks like she'll be asking me for her money back on that one.

15th century bra found in Austria!

A revolutionary discovery is rewriting the history of underwear: Some 600 years ago, women wore bras!

Telegraph - Photo

Man With Bizarre Anatomy has Run-In with TSA

Man with bizarre anatomy has run-in with TSA. TSA was shocked to discover it really was just a banana in his pocket.

Man Utd bid for RIP!

Man Utd have put a bid in for Arsenal's RIP (?) Oops sorry RVP and if they sell him then they can RIP!

Cat Celebrates 15 Years As Mayor Of Alaskan Town

Well anyone's better than Boris Johnson.

'Finding Nemo 2' going ahead with original's director

Sounds a bit two fishy to me.

Excerpts from the book of Norman Wisdom

If rules weren't meant to be broken...why do they make them of shatterproof plastic?

Leaning on a lampost

50 Cent: I want to work with Frank Ocean

I want to play 50 shades of grey style but the missus has put the kibosh on it...

Drunken German Football Fans Celebrate Woman Parking Her Car

Well they haven't had much else to celebrate lately...

Andy Murray Drops Balls

When playing against Marcos Bagdatis, both of Andy Murray's balls fell out of his shorts causing him to lose a couple of points. The crowds were embarrassed too!

Jetstream Must Be Moved Northwards To Improve British Weather

'We need heated air currents coming from the south,' explained a Met Office spokesman. 'Currently, the most popular plan among the British public is to set fire to France.'

Huge Savings To Be Made By Cutting Police Officers

By cutting 6,000 police officers, forces can be expected to sell around 3,000 police cars as well. This will save billions of pounds in fuel. Those who wish to remain, will be forced to use bicycles.

God Particle May Been Found

It costs just £2.6 billion to discover the God particle. Now that it's been found, the scientists may be able to spend more time and money on discovering the elusive Lord Lucan.

Bradley Wiggins First Mod Sporting Hero

The mod cyclist may have set the precedent for the first hippy boxer or goth tennis player

Nick Clegg compares being in government to being 'gradually lobotomised'

Well that explains partnering with the Tories in 2010.

Rupert Murdock Quits

Rupert Murdock quits board of British newspapers. He will instead invest in surfboards.

Olympic Flame Finally Arrives in London

The Olympic flame arrives in London. Organizers realize too late that it arrived too late for the rioting qualifications.

Private Eye

I've employed this Alligator in a vest to help me - he's called the Investigator!

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 94

"He's behind you!!"

The UK Border Agency admits to 'losing' 150,000 failed migrants and has not got the resources to look for them, try Stratford or even the Olympic site, doubtless many are employed as 'security' guards

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 110

Philippine official dismissed after Facebook photo

Nueva Ecija was dismissed after Facebook photos showed him attending a high school reunion when he was supposed to be at work, for gross misconduct and dishonesty.

"The fool!"

They don't like it up 'em!

A woman has admitted smashing Simon Cowell's window, it could have been so much worse if it had been a drunken sailor smashing in his back doors!!

Octomon Slated to Star in "Eight Is Enough" Movie

Octomom has agreed to star in a movie "remake" of the popular American television comedy-drama series. Octomom released the following statement to the press: "Eight is Enough! Beleive me, I know."

Mysterious Monster Washes up on New York Beach

The carcass of a mysterious animal has been found washed up on the beach of a New York river. Various conspiracy theories believe it to be a pig or a dog and even some belief that it is Cherie Blair.

Killers and Rapists Could Be Released Early As Parole Is Watered down

This is due to human rights issues and is really to make room for Christians who are quickly losing their human rights!

First gold medal--and arrest--at Olympics

China's Yi Siling won gold in the 10m air rifle, then was promptly arrested for being "too damn good with a gun." Mitt Romney, currently ridding his vocab of anti-Semitic remarks, is said to approve.

UK Citizens polled on how miserable their city is!

Birmingham - 69.57% miserable - Manchester - 33% miserable
Leeds - 30.22% - Newcastle - 23%

Nottingham folk were too busy mugging, being mugged, shoplifting and benefit claiming to reply!

Alex Salmond Wanted To Cut Ties From England BEFORE Sunday

It can be revealed that SNP leader, Alex Salmond wanted to cut ties from England before Sunday's tennis final. This will reinforce the fact that and the is SCOTTISH and Britain does not own him!

Paul McCartney At 70

It is rumoured that now Paul McCartney has turned 70 years old, he has already forgotten what it was like "when I'm 64"

Serena Williams wins Wimbledon Womens Final.

She has now won 5 Womens Singles at Wimbledon, the same as sister Venus. They now have to play a penalty shoot out to decide the overall winner.
As an england football fan, I can't bear to watch.

Cameron Promises Referendum

Speaking before today's Wimbledon final, Prime Minister David Cameron said: "I must reiterate that the time for us to launch a referendum will be right when Andy Murray wins - you have my word!"

Missing bishop found safe and sound.......

....it was in the cluedo box along with a couple of pawns and the missing white rook.

Man Utd offer Andy Carroll a contract, but not a footie one!

Sir Alex Ferguson has offered Liverpool reject Andy Carroll a lifeline. Andy impressed SAF so much with his head-butting ability that he wants Andy as his personal bodyguard, chauffeur and valet!

"Attenshun!!!"

Part-time PM 'do-nothing-Dave' obliged to cobble together 3,500 troops to fill security shortfall at the 2012 Olympics due to contracted G45's inability to recruit enough 'minimum wage' security staff

We Should Have Culled Those Badgers!

T.B.is making a comeback!

Notes to editors: in this case T.B.is Tony Blair.

Census points to increase in scum

The Daily Muck has analysed UK 2011 census data and concluded there are 20% more scum than in 2001.

The paper had campaigned unsuccessfully to have the question "Are you scum?" added to the census.

Aussie & US Olympic athletes 'lost for four hours' as driver gets lost in London

Apparently the driver had never driven to the Olympic Village before.
What happened to the 'jobs for local people' Boris?
I hear David Beckham is available, or are you training him up for security???

David Haye To Launch New Book

After winning his fight against Dereck Chisora at the weekend, World champion boxer, David Hay has announced that he will be publishing his new book called 50 Shades of Haye.

Spotted Dick

The classic English dessert has been renamed to avoid embarrassment. The pud has been given the title Spotted Richard, after Hounslow Council bosses feared the original name might cause offence.

Opening ceremony delayed

Thousands at the opening ceremony of the Olympic Games are kept waiting, as G4S staff mistakenly direct Steve Redgrave to a locked Upton Park.

Google employee Marissa Mayer become Yahoo CEO

Why would a google staffer go to work for Yahoo?
Search me...

Man contracted Bubonic Plague from a cat bite!

The man narrowly escaped death. Paul Gaylord, 59, spent a month in intensive care and still faces having his fingers and toes amputated.
Mirror - Photo's, Story

"Scary!"

Brad and Jen Have Buried the Hatchet!

Angelina remains just below the surface.....

Great Hoaxes of the 21st Century

Rolling Stones Mick Jagger: I have slept with 4000 women! President Barack Obama: The US economy and job creation are improving!

Fish And Chips Blamed For UK Obesity Crisis.

A Government Health Spokesman said clearly we needed a change for the batter.

Center for Disease Control Alert

CDC is warning uninfected states about any influx of liberals that may cause a rash of overspending, taxation, regulations & bankruptcies as has occurred in some eastern states & California cities!

Syria's athletes run gauntlet of violence, civil unrest and fear......

......that said they are enjoying other aspects of East London.

£10 million anonymously donated to the University of Southampton for cancer research

'We will track down the culprit,' vowed George Osborne, Chancellor of the Exchequer, 'and review his tax returns with a fine toothed comb. Hopefully, he will be prosecuted and imprisoned.'

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 102

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 103

Government To Reintroduce Conscription To Fill Stadiums For Olympic Football Tournament

'We can't give the tickets away,' admitted Seb Coe to reporters. 'Emergency legislation is being prepared to compel all UK citizens to attend at least one game.'

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 104

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 106

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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 108

Man recovers car 42 years after theft

The car was stolen 42 years ago. He got it back after spotting it on eBay!
He had never given up searching for the 1967 Austin Healy after it was stolen from his Philadelphia home in 1970.

"Wow!"

Thieves in New York City have started a new sneaker trend!

One Bronx sneaker store says the thieves do their research. They know before they steal a left shoe which store has a right shoe of the same size and style on display.

"The ingenuity of crooks!"

2 women in their 80s parachute for Ohio charity!

83-year-old Marjorie Bryan and 82-year-old Marianna Sherman have parachuted from a plane to raise money for a veterans' food pantry in northwest Ohio.

"Marjorie and Marianna... magnificent!"

Singles try to sniff out love at pheromone parties!

Guests are asked to submit a slept-in T-shirt that will be smelled by other participants.

Then, voila! You can pick your partner based on scent, of so the theory goes.

"Will it's different!"

Man breaks into house, cut himself on window, and dies

Vermont State Police say a man died after he broke into a home by smashing a glass window and was severely cut as he climbed through it.

"Good! - if he was breaking in!"

Armed boy, 9, steals electric car

A Swedish company said a 9-year-old armed with what was believed to be an air gun stole an electric car and drove around for about 10 minutes before crashing.

"He must have some English blood in him?"

David Cameron doesn't 'see a time' when austerity programme will end!

"Bless the nepotistic, wealthy, spoon-in-the-mouth, arrogant, git!"

Couple find and return £7680!

The couple who found a bag on top of a convenience store rubbish bin said it never crossed their minds to keep the money.

"Obviously not politicians or Big Issue sellers then!"

Police Officer fired for tipping of a friend of raid by text.

Police in Florida said an officer lost his job after text messaging with a friend who was about to be busted by a SWAT team!

"Future politician in the making?"

New Government toll plan: motorists to pay for upgraded roads

"I should think so too! Just 'cause they pay more fuel tax than any other country, and insurance and road tax, they are getting spoilt you know!

"Damn the motorists, hang um, shoot um!"