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Rating:

Andy Carrol scores rare goal for Liverpool in fa cup

His next target is to hit a barn door.

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Average woman 'gained 4lbs over Christmas'

Except for Katy Perry who shed a full 11 stone human.

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Diane Abbot interrupts tv interview to take phone call from Ed Miliband

Or was it a cross lined with Rupert Murdoch?

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Host of Blockbusters Bob Holness dies.

Rest In P please Bob.

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Liverpool beat Oldham 5-1 in FA Cup 3rd round

They now face New-ham in the 4th round.

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Olympic synchronised swimming tickets are hot!

Synchronised swimming tickets for the London Olympics have been over-sold, now lots of dirty old men in dirty raincoats will just have to watch the athletics instead!

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Mexico has the highest bridge in the world and their drug-dealers love it!

Mexico has the highest bridge in the world and the Mexican drug-cartels love it. It's perfect for hanging their rivals over it, headless, or throwing them over it!

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Brain function declines at 45!

An over 45 year-old brain becomes a moron because the brain cells diminish. Those younger than 45 and wearing hoodies needn't fear because they have no f++k++g brains!

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

London gets a free WI FI!

London is to become a WIFI free zone because the Olympics are around the corner and all athletes must have free internet access, especially the Mongolese, but first they must buy a computer; a what?

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Ferguson rejects Lampard, he's too young!

Sir Alex Ferguson has refuted all claims that he wants Chelsea's Frank Lampard because he has enough youngsters in his team, he needs another pensioner alongside Giggs not a whippersnapper!

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Sat Nav Manufacturers Demand Review Of Lorry Drivers' Brains

'Every time they get stuck in a country lane, or drive off a cliff, they blame us,' said a spokesperson for sat nav manufacturers. 'Who is responsible for driving the f***ing lorries?'

written by Swan Morrison, 06 January 2012
Rating:

UK men hate their beer-guts but just love their beer!

A survey has proven that men just hate their beer-bellies but just love their beer so having a six-pack is impossible unless it's labelled Guiness!

written by Jaggedone, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Santorum Says He Likes His Coffee "Blah"

At a recent campaign stop, GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum ordered a cup of "blah" coffee. Asked if he always orders his coffee that way, Santorum said he sometimes adds a little bullshit.

written by Mark Garrison, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Peaches Geldof announces she is pregnant

In an unrelated story Mothercare store on Oxford Street announced they are taking on extra security staff.

written by radiogagger, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Warning issued over Thatcher film

The BBFC has issued a warning about certain scenes in the Iron Lady, which may be upsetting to miners.

written by The Incredible Sulk, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Cameron will today launch a fresh £200million drive to get layabout families back into work!

To break the cycle of kids following feckless parents into joblessness.

Charities will get cash if they can teach "Shameless" families the skills they need to find work.

"Wonder who owns the firms?"

written by Inchcock, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Commuters to feel pinch as rail fares rocket across UK!

So they can join VAT, food, fuel, clothing, unemployment, suicides, heating costs, NHS patients waiting, and MPs expense's limits in rocketing then!

written by Inchcock, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Nottingham: Over-60s will have to pay library fines

Over-60s will have to pay library fines for overdue books for the first time, revealed Nottingham City Council.

"Being a good few years over 60, how come I had to pay a fine last October?"

written by Inchcock, 06 January 2012
Rating:

The Calendars Must Have Been Very Pretty

Walmart has just reported that they have completely sold out of Mayan Calendars but added that they still have lots of pretty Aztec and Inca ones.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Lady Gaga Knows Exactly Why Michele Bachmann Lost Big Time In Iowa

Lady Gaga has said that the reason why the people of Iowa did not vote for Michele Bachmann is because they do not like to see a woman with false eyelashes, lots of eyeliner, and Donald Trump hair.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

John "Guess Who?" McCain Is Still Around Muttering About Something or Other

John McCain has just endorsed Mitt Romney. John McCain? Wasn't he that white haired old dude who tried to get in Sarah Palin's pants but was caught by his wife Cindy "It's All My Money" McCain?

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Mexico Will Not Be A Happy Camper Country

The Republic of Mexico has stated that if they are invaded by the United States that Mexico will curtail its U.S. exports of tequila, jumping beans, and auto mechanics.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

The Real Reason Why Michele Bachmann Hightailed It Out of The Race

The word is that the real reason why Michele Bachmann dropped out of the GOP presidential race is because President Obama got more write in votes in the GOP Iowa Caucus than she got regular votes.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Rick Santorum - The New Georgraphical Sarah Palin

Rich Santorum who missed winning the Iowa Caucus by just 7 votes remarked to his supporters, "And now it's onward to New Vermont, I mean New South Carolina, I mean, well you know what I mean."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Ron Paul Had A Soft Spot For Michele Bachmann

Ron Paul says that he for one is going to really miss Michele Bachmann's high shrilled "Bushisms," her silly ass hairdo, and that unmistakable smell of Minnesota snow sludge.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

John McCain Just Doesn't Want To Offend Anyone

John McCain has just endorsed Rick Santorum. When McCain was told that less than 24 hours ago he endorsed Mitt Romney he paused for a moment and asked, "I did? Oh well those GOPers all look a like."

written by Abel Rodriguez, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Doritos Shortage Political Party Solutions

DEMOCRATIC: Declare a Doritos crisis, form committees to perform expensive studies and institute rationing. REPUBLICAN: Buy more corn, increase factory production capacity and make more Doritos!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Please Cry Me a River

Democratic liberals support President Obama's unconstitutional appointments that bypass the Senate confirmation process. Wait till there is a Republican president & listen to the liberal crybabies!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Surprise Candidate

God got tired of hearing His name quoted by all the Republican presidential candidates in Iowa. He decided to run in all the primaries, since getting His name on the ballots is not a problem!




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Man Sues Soup Company

The plaintiff's lawyers are asking $1 billion in damages for a man who believed a TV advertisement that eating hot soup was more satisfying than hot women and had a nervous breakdown!



written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

The Gold Sellers Made Out Well

CONSUMER: I put all my money in gold bars to protect my assets. MERCHANT: I put all my money in gold bars, so I have nothing to sell you but gold bars!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

He's the One

Maryland's Democratic governor takes credit for a white whale born at the Baltimore aquarium. He also takes responsibility for the 200 murders in Baltimore city and raising state taxes six times!




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Tax Dollars at Work

Two agents from the new Consumer Protection Bureau arrested a businessman for selling a 5 cent salted pretzel that did not meet the new salt content regulations for street vendor sold pretzels!

written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

Persian Gulf Accidents Happen

Iranian President Ahmadinejad underwent emergency surgery to remove an inadvertently launched US Navy cruise missile from his arse!





written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
Rating:

New Role

DNC Chairman Debbie Wasserman Schultz to play the Scarecrow in a new production of "The Wizard of Oz," after a Republican regains the White House in 2012!




written by Philbert of Macadamia, 06 January 2012
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