Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 10 January 2012
Kerry katona loses a stone in a month
It's almost as if she knew that Russell Brand would be single again?
Scottish independence vote set for 2014
In the meantime we're building a wall at Berwick.
Tesco in Oxford Has Pest Control Problems
The pest control officer who works at Tesco in Oxford has met with a serious problem - the bait on all its mousetraps has been disappearing since mid-December.
Scots Claim That £17 Billion HS2 Money Could Be Better Spent
… On rebuilding Hadrian's Wall!
OOOH-LA-LA Cantona!
Eric Cantona is to run for the French Prime ministerial elections - be very afraid Sarkozy!
Jay-Z writes song for new baby Blue Ivy Carter
Most people just buy flowers.
Scotland want independence from the UK
Does that mean we can send Kenny Dalglish back?
New high-speed rail line between London and Birmingham gets the go-ahead
You'll be able to get out of Birmingham twice as fast as before.
UK Recession Not a Foregone Conclusion..
......try telling that to the nameless millions out of work, small business disasters, failing chain stores,overworked and underpaid workers, I'd say, more a 'forlorn conclusion!"
Anthony Worrall Thompson: "I'm not a kleptomaniac…
… but I'm taking something for it!"
Worral-Thompson says he cries himself to sleep every night
I used to feel like that watching his tv programmes.
Greek parents abandon their kiddies!
Many Greek parents are abandoning their kids because they're too expensive and to drown their financial sorrows they need the money to buy ouzo; sad world!
My Debt is Bigger than Yours
After taking advice from a firm promising to improve performance by enlarging your debt a disgruntled man has complained that his bigger debt has given him no added satisfaction.
Debt Crisis
Angela Merkel has protested to the European summit because her pocket money has been reduced by 5%. 'None of the boys got a cut like me' she complained.
In Treatment
C-list celebrity 'chef' Antony Worrall Thompson to receive treatment after stealing wine and cheese from Tesco. Fifty lashes around the face with a wet Mackeral administered by Tesco CEO.
The Winds of Change
Little Eddie Milipeed: "Labour needs to change"....too right cobber we can smell you from here!!
The Big Cheese
Would-be Chef Antony Worrall Thomson nicked for shop lifting in Tesco. Meanwhile, one man Harry Hill tribute act Heston Blementhal (Blofeld to his mates)nabbed in the Co-op for 'fondling' a coconut!
Wayne Rooney for getting Kompany sent off!
Roberto Mancini last night accused Wayne Rooney of getting his Manchester City skipper Vincent Kompany sent off.
"Well fancy that!"
Nott's most successful pop band, Paper Lace, will be performing a revival concert!
Causing a stir at the This is Nottingham website - 3 comments up to now!
Highest vehicle crime recorded on New Years Day
"So, they turn-over your car instead of a new leaf?"
Vice-President Joe Biden Is Quite The Joker
President Obama has reportedly asked Vice-President Joe Biden to please refrain from making any mother-in-law jokes in the presence of Michelle's mama.
Idaho's Fitting Tribute
After years of debates, the state of Idaho has finally agreed to make French Fries the state food.
China and Cambodia Kinda Have Something In Common
China has just developed a stealth aircraft carrier which is believed to be the first one in the world. Cambodia reports that they had one, but they think it may have sunk.
The Pittsburgh Steeler Fans Are Angry As Hell!
The Pittsburgh Steelers who got eliminated from the NFL playoffs by the Denver Broncos are afraid to return to Pittsburgh. The team has decided to vacation in Hawaii for a week and then go home.
Len Goodman Makes His GOP Choice
Len Goodman, the English judge on Dancing With The Stars, said that if he could vote for a GOP candidate for president he would pick Rick Perry because he is one hell of a samba dancer.
The Dog Gone Treats Are Gone
Walmart responding to wide spread customer complaints has taken the new product Steroid Doggy Biscuits off the shelves.
Kim Kardashian Just Keeps On Going and Going
Kim Kardashian is being considered for yet another reality show. The name of this one is simply Fat Ass.
Colorado Is In The Market For The White Stuff
Many ski resorts in Colorado do not have enough snow to accommodate snow skiers. They are looking into the feasibility of buying snow from the South Pole.
The President Is Making It A "Number One" Priority
In an effort to cut down on spending President Obama has stated that government workers will remove a total of 17 urinals from Congressional bathrooms.
Arizona Is Definitely Keeping Mum
Reports that Arizona has developed weapons of mass destruction have as yet not been confirmed.
Oprah Winfrey's Family Reunion Is Getting Bigger and Bigger
Oprah Winfrey has just reported that in 2011, she found a total of 16 sisters and 19 brothers that she did not know she had.
Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio Strikes Again
Since he dresses male convicts in feminine pink, Arizona Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arpaio says he will begin dressing the female convicts in masculine camouflage.
Caracas the site of two insane membranes
Venezuelan president Chavez welcomed Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for a four-day visit. In behavior typical of the mentally ill, both lavished each other with false praise and damned the U.S.
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