Spoof news snippets from Friday 24 February 2012
Polish WWI Veteran, Aged 112, Promoted to Captain
After serving 90 years as a First Lieutenant!
Commuters Urged To Form Human National Water Grid
'800,000 UK workers travel 30 miles or more to work, daily,' said an environment spokesman. 'If each took a pint of water from their wettest to their driest destination, the drought would be solved.'
College Students Learn A lot Early On
Many educators say that college students learn little the first 2 years. "Not true" they say. "We learn where we can get the cheapest beer, fake ID's and how much it costs to write our term papers."
Clean Getaway
Boston Police officer declares that man they suspected of sniffing bath salts. "This is where he lives, so as far as I'm concerned, he's clean."
Mexican President Visits White House
President Obama has announced that the President of Mexico will arrive later this week and take charge of the country until he finishes his next 3-week vacation.
No Snake Handlers
Rick Santorum tells reporters that his church does not handle snakes. "Then how are you going to handle the liberal media", one asks.
Obama: Nothing Is My Fault
Obama defends his energy policy in Florida speech, after coming under fire for high gas prices. "It's not my fault." Then gets out billfold and begins passing the bucks.
Franks Carson Died watching favourite Police Drama on DVD
Apparently it starred Robbie Coltrane
Tea Party Wants Cuts In Spending
Tea Party clamoring for debt-ridden government to slash spending say nothing should be off limits, including Air Force One, flying commercial first class. "Wearing a Groucho mask, who would know him?"
RI Man Admits Mislabeling Vt. Maple Syrup
"Now who's going to buy 'Rhode Island Syrup'?, he asks judge. "Who knew sugar mixture would act like a laxative?"
Should Be Sober For Tattoos
Badly hungover man who wanted girlfriend to see his new tattoo "Barbara Forever" surprised to see "Bieber Fever" on his arm, laughed out of her house.
FDA Warning
FDA warns customers that cheap placebos bought from SKorea, Taiwan may be fakes.
Hulk Makes Resolutions
The Hulk promises himself that he will quit watching late night TV with the LOUD ads. Either that or take out the TV next time he goes into a rage.
Still, It's A Good One!
Soap Opera re-using plot of twenty years ago with new characters. So far, no ones caught on.
Could Be!
Cops probing missing South Carolina exec focus on up to $900G in missing funds. "We think there could be a connection..yep yep yep", says Captain.
Rooting For Bad News
Obama: Opponents are rooting for bad news on gas prices. I know, that's what we did in 2008!
Sexy Italian coffee barmaid lets her gorgeous "cocoa beans" hang out!
Italian, Laura Maggi, sexy coffee barmaid, has got the local women in outrage because not only does she serve the best cappuccino in the area, she also likes to swing her tasty "cocoa beans" too!
Libraries Hosting Heroes
Libraries hosting Civil War heroes program. Many asking Larry King to come and talk about his youth.
Trial To Be a Stinker
Gulf oil spill trial -- Let the finger pointing, finger pulling begin!
Denied By LDS Leader
Claim surfaces of Anne Frank, Charles Darwin, Prester John baptisms by Mormons
Rowling Writes Adult Novel
J.K. Rowling has deal for new novel for adults. Hugh Hefner says he is purchasing serial rights for magazine.
Some Progress In NKorea
US envoy sees bit of progress in NKorea nuke talks. "At least we've got that new leader to quit clapping", says spokesman.
Castro Has Captive Audience
US senators meet Cuba's Castro about contractor. Castro wants to talk first. "Then you can have the ninth hour."
Then We Take Iraq Again
Nervously, world powers eye greater Somalia, Syria, Iran action.
Worked For Awhille
Wave of attacks in Iraq ends over three hours of complete calm!
Pakastan Leader: "Same Here"
Obama sends letter of apology to Afghan president. President says he could still see "President of Iraq" erased below "Afghan".
Streets Of London
Hundreds of homeless 'illegal immigrants' sleeping on the streets of London screams press,tut, tut! Meanwhile, thousands of UK pensioners freezing to death due to punitive power charges...snap!!
Whale Of A Meal
Rare whale caught on film for first time...in building behind Japanese restaurant.
Soon As They Can
Pakistan, urges Afghan, Taliban, to "enter peace talks, Man!"
Air Force 1 Costs Skyrocket to $179,500 Per Hour.
That's more money than Peyton Manning got for not playing football this past season!
America's Per Capita Government Debt Worse Than Greece.
Asks for quiet conference with members of the EU.
Dad On Welfare 20 Years?
COPS: Dad hits son for not paying attention to Obama speech. Son cries that he's heard it a dozen times before.
Presidential Candidate Candidate "Robbed"
Egypt presidential candidate wounded in 'robbery'. "Robbery? The only thing he tried to steal was my bid for becoming president", says victim.
That time of the moth
A giant moth has invaded Milton Keynes terrifying local residents who haven't been so scared since Boy George performed at an outdoor gig years ago. The moth is said to be seeking unwanted attention.
Kevin having another go
Former Australian PM Kevin Rudd is challenging for his old job. However Dick Turd refuses to relinquish presidency of the Canberra Sewers and Drains Society. Kevin is said to have the shits. Good one!
Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog!
The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls!
Fan could not get tickets for the Elvis tribute show!
Albert Entwistle was trying to get tickets to see the Elvis tribute band, but when he phone it keeps saying:
"Press 1 for the money 2 for the show..."
Toronto Sportscaster Fired for Derogatory Italian Comment
Johnny Canuck, broadcasting a Toronto Raptor basketball game, said, "No day goes by I don't think Andrea Bagnani is the reason the Raptors are the real deal."
They Never Learn From History
Organic nuts pretend that raw milk is healthy, while it continues to sicken people via E. coli and Salmonella. Now they want to raise chickens in their apartments, e.g. more E. coli in chicken crap!
President Obama's Gasoline Price Increase Speech
The president said it's not my fault we're not drilling, promising to have the DOE bureaucrats develop a $4 billion "green" wand that turns the DOI and EPA bureaucrats into frogs by 2015!
Creative Accounting
Gov. O'Malley (D-MD) has stated that he has saved Maryland taxpayers nearly $8 billion since being in office, yet his state budgets go up over one billion dollars each fiscal year!
State Rape
Gov. McDonnell (R-VA) withdrew the requirement that women seeking an abortion must undergo an invasive transvaginal sonogram. The bill's female sponsor had suggested the probe be shaped like a penis!
President Obama's Apology Letters
President Obama has sent a blank, but signed apology letter to each of the world's 193 countries. Any foreign head of state can fill in what they want the US to apologize for, without bothering Obama!
Boomers Safe On Roads?
Are American roads ready for aging Baby Boomers? Sure, says spokesman. With $6 a gallon gas prices, how many can afford to go very far?
Rare Whale Caught
Rare whale caught on film for first time. Greenpeace demands that it be set free!
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