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Rating:

Steals $2 Pumpkin!

New Mexico woman heads to trial for stealing $2 pumpkin. The suit is being brought by one Linus Van Pelt, who insists she frightened off the Great Pumpkin last October.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Big Clean-Up On Aisle 7, Call 911 Placed

Local News Camera Crew hurt while secretly following fat woman for Obesity Segment, ran over by family of shoppers at Wal-Mart after shopping cart loaded with kids and dog food runs away from pusher.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Another Drone Stowaway

Still another U.S. unmanned drone flying over Mexico looking for drugs has returned manned. Apparently he ran away just as soon as it landed. "We'll have to send out the real tiny ones", says General.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Meanwhile In Syria

Hundreds rally in Damascus in support of Syria's Assad...or else!!

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
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PBS to Air Documentary on President Bill Clinton

Both Cocteau Twins and Radiohead declined to do the musical score, due to, "conflict of interests." Joe Cocker refused, due to a prior engagement in Kosovo.

written by JAB, 19 February 2012
Rating:

ESPN fires writer of offensive headline!

Let this be a lesson on all of us who choose the Snippet way of life!

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

NBC News to Renew Chelsea Clinton's Contract

An insider at NBC, said, "We had little choice, all the good ones like, Kim Kardashian, Kate Gosselin, Carrot Top, Kevin Federline, Monica Lewinsky and the gnome from Travelocity are working."

written by JAB, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Elves Make Best Toast, Claims Rabbi

Dorking inventor Gideon Bable, famous for inventing the air-conditioned waistcoat, is currently working on a TV for budgerigars, an electronic paperweight and a virtual hangover cure.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Newt The Cute Hanging In There

Even though he hasn't won any recent elections, Newt Gingrich vows to "Hang in there!". However, one former wife has told the press that Newt does poorly in both keeping his vows & hanging in there.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

The Romans Knew How To Build A Patio

More Highlights From The Cretin Channel:

20:00 Heston's Mirror
Heston Blumenthal makes toadspawn toffee and carp and mandarin jelly for Giles Coren in front of his ego-magnifying mirror.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Bacon-Flavored Milk Shake

Fast food chain Jack in the Box has introduced a bacon milk shake. If it proves popular, they also have plans for a lard malt.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Harry Redknapp Is The New Harry Redknapp

In essence, Bilberry's girl has grown up for summer. It's all about the Tilly-Front frotted trenches and the Gotterdammerung hemlines. Sporty-but-gothic pixie-hoods and denim knee-masks are so Bilberry!

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Prison TV

Hospital patients to pay ten times more than prisoners to watch television as prices soar to £10 a day. "Plus there's still nothing on worth watching", says patient.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Ear Muffs Are The New Harry Redknapp

Put the Vatican Cardinal in a muslin bag and soak in brine overnight. Shave your Deacon and pop him into a large pan of boiling salted water. Bring back to the boil and simmer for 35 minutes. Chop

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Flying The Fat Cats

'Don't fly British Airways, they are fat cats': What Cameron's outspoken adviser told a cabinet minister. "They're so fat, could overload the planes.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Monet Designed Coracles In His Spare Time

Jehova's Witnesses? The front of my house is a replica of HMS Victory's port-side battery with 50 guns. A ripple broadside from that lot soon puts them to flight.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

WANTED ADS: A Fisherman's Wife

Wife wanted, must be able to dig, clean, cook worms and clean fish. Must have own boat with motor. Please send photograph of Boat & Motor.

written by IN SEINE, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Luxembourg Is Inspiration For British Navy Plans

A hollow Straw Effigy of George Osborne, stolen from Bishops Stortford taxidermist Ken Faggott, has been discovered in The House Of Commons.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Free Tarot Readings This Easter

Tired of Jehova's Witnesses? I find a phalanx of Ancient Greek Hoplite Spearmen quickly dispels their attacks. The main cost is in provisions, though the Greeks do like plain food.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Parrots Hold Key To Economic Recovery

George Osborne In A Bottle, £5 ONO. Left & Right Eric Pickles Whoopee Cushions, £3.50 the pair. Ann Widdecombe-In-A-Box, 85p.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Tim Burton As Tim Burton

Tim Burton's new movie version of The Turn Of The Screw stars Peter Quint as Miss Jessel as Miles as Flora as The Governess as Mrs Grose as Tim Burton.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Morocco Leather Makes The Best Pyjamas

Another lover of straw is popular singer Matt Cardle. "My ambition is to do a whole album about straw", claimed Matt, yesterday; "but for now I am sticking to songs about shite."

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Straw Brings Fresh Hope To Lithuania

When cooking with straw, it is important not to neglect your sauces, particularly where meat from the freshwater seals of Lake Baikal is concerned, if you want to avoid over-strawing the pudding.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Yeast Is The New Cube Geometry

"We only have straw crockery", says Boris Johnson. "It was the Etruscan way, and that suits me. I also have a statuette of the Etruscan god Fufluns in my wine-cellar, so it's not all about straw."

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Hydrogen Brings Hope To Vatican

"Traditionally-woven straw bee skeps are my passion", says Sally Bercow. "I have one in every room, and two in the lounge. My husband hates them, but I'm bigger than he is."

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

David Cameron On Straw

"I've always been fascinated by straw. When I was a child, my mother made all my trousers and waistcoats out of the stuff. It was pretty itchy, but I was hugely popular with the beasts of the meadow!"

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Tim Burton's New Movie Stars Johnny Depp

Tim Burton's new movie version of The Importance of Being Earnest stars Lady Bracknell as Johnny Depp as Helena Bonham Carter as Tim Burton.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

O Munificent Engine!

Reversible Jedward Jigsaw for sale. Also part-worn Horatio Nelson Hot Water Bottle. Set of Delft Cuspidors, complete with "Turnip" Townshend's tobacco-mucus, £10 the lot.

written by Erskin Quint, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Highest Prices Ever!

Gas prices highest ever for this time of year. That's at 8:45, Sunday morning, the 19th of February CST.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

The other 50%?

Herman Cain claims that 50% of Americans are stupid!
Check your Math, Herman; what about the GOP members who couldn't understand the question.

written by Exislanda, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Gerard Butler admits he has a booze problem!

"Join the club!"

But in my case it's because I can't afford any!

written by Inchcock, 19 February 2012
Rating:

$1 million lottery winner won't quit her waitress job

"Shows you what money's worth nowadays!

written by Inchcock, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Santorum clarifies birth control stance!

"Standing has always worked for us. But each couple needs to see what position works for them."

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
Rating:

Presidential Promises Getting Out Of Control

Update: President Obama now predicts three million new jobs day after election day in November. Romney predicts four million. Paul predicts UFO landing on White House lawn.

written by Bureau, 19 February 2012
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