Spoof news snippets from Wednesday 15 February 2012
Jon Voight In Hospital
Angelina Jolie says dad, Jon Voight, in hospital for checkup after repeatedly asking everyone, "Where's that Joe Buck?" and singing "Everybody's Talkin' 'Bout Me".
Scaple Fight Injures Two
Fight between plastic surgeon and customer leaves both badly scarred after surgeon mistakenly gives client "George Bush" look instead of "George Clooney".
Bigger Mess Than Chicago 1968?
Latest: Occupiers intend to jam up both Dem and GOP conventions by occupying all the bathroom stalls!
AC MIlan 4 Arsenal 0 (Champions League)
Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp has said this is a cracking result as he is a big fan of Milan.
Warship "Gabby Giffords"
Naming warship after Gabby Giffords draws fire...uh, brings criticism! Sorry, that could have been better stated.
Rambler Receives Warning
Prolific naked rambler who terrified woman dog walker at remote spot gets caught after bumping into off-duty policeman. Judge: "But don't let me see your sorry arse in my court again."
Production Line Hospitals
Our production line hospitals, by worried GPs: Family doctors say patients are being put at risk because of 'dangerously poor' care. "We have even found leeches literally filled with bad bacteria."
Murder At The Vicarage
A murder at the vicarage? Police probe launched in quiet town after body found by builders. Lord Peter Wimsey runs over Miss Marple doddering around the highway. Suffers blow-out from crochet needles!
Great Cola Taste
Factoid: Switching to diet drinks can help you shed 5% of your body weight in just six months. 95% after ten years, if simple burial.
Tottenham midfielder David Bentley is considering a move to Major League Soccer
Is he following David Beckham around?
* DB the 2nd scored the 1st hat-trick at the new Wembley for England Under 21s and was tipped to take Becks place in the full side before his career nosedived
Sammy Lee has joined Bolton for a third time, taking up the role of head of academy coaching.
"Third time lucky"
(fans hope)
BINGO!! HICCUP!!
Cheap booze to be outlawed: Cameron signals new crackdown in battle against bingo drinking. I'm sorry, that should be 'binge' drinking.
Odds & Ends
Jilted former City worker had kidnap kit, crossbow, Groucho mask, rubber chicken, whoopee cushion & turkey feathers in back of his van as he stalked ex-lover in 4-month campaign of bizarre harassment.
Alan Curbishley was excited today when linked with the vacant Wolves job.
"Curbs - Your Enthusiasm!"
Great Make-Up Make-Outs
Pudders Cosmetics has announced that, by buying their make-up, every woman can look like Angelina Jolly. Warns guys to always check for size of dates face. Next project: The 'George Clooney' look!
Carlos Tevez returns to training with Man City
No word yet on whether he shook hands with Roberto Mancini.
Poor attendance at football match blamed on BBC
"Since the BBC redesigned their sports website all the bloody fixtures listings have moved!
Job Discrimination
'You won't be able to reach the syrups': Starbucks 'rejects job applicant - because he's only got one arm. Later finds job as a paper hanger.
Twitter rumours of Kim Jong Un death denied by North Korea
I mean if you say Kim Jong Un quickly, it doesn't even sound like Whit Knee Houston.
Police reopen case of Tim Westood shooting.
Police today revealed they are looking into the 1999 drive by shooting of Radio 1 DJ Tim Westwood. They said they are investigating if it was an Essential Selection or a Top 40 hit.
Ryan Giggs discusses his new one year contract at Man U
"Scholesy retired too early, but came back. I don't want to do the same. What would I do with all the spare time - join 'twitter' and chat to 'fans'?
* Or spend time with lawyers getting injuctions?
White House Meeting Update
President Obama immediately pulls out two empty front pockets before meeting with China VP.
Obama aims to eliminate corporate tax breaks, primarily for oil and gas companies.
Sounds like a lot of hot air to me!
Obama sets out election-year budget
"Free money! Free food! Free gas! FRee oil! Free energy!
Not really - but you know i would if i could"
Jokes Updated On Re-mastered Morecambe And Wise DVD
Ernie: What's a Grecian urn?
Eric: Nothing, the Greek economy's just collapsed.
World's Tiniest Chameleon
World's tiniest chameleon discovered in Fidel Castros beard. Tells friends he's leaving it there. "He's addicted to cigar smoke."
There's A Difference!
Anonymous assistant coach for Indianapolis Colts denies that he said that Peyton Mannings arm was like a wet noodle. "What I said was that his wet noodle was long as his arm."
U.S. Military Moves
President Obama stated today that U.S. warships are keeping a close eye on both the Straits and the Gays of Hormuz. "We're not taking any unnecessary chances."
Could Be Worse
Newspaper depicts Merkel in Nazi uniform. "Better than picturing me OUT of a uniform", says German leader.
Some Mexican Drug Lords Worse Than Others
Mexican drug lords say they ALWAYS ask victim if he wants his head placed in a paper or plastic bag.
Cigarette Explodes!
Electronic cigarette blows up in man's face, knocks out 'all his teeth'. "I geeth itss bak tu dwawing bord", he tells reporters.
"Obama Needs A Pair", Says Retired General
Obama weighing up to 80% cut in U.S. nukes. Conservatives argue that, should that happen, we'd only be able to destroy the earth a measly ten times over.
Priests Hire Hitmen
Colombian priests hired hitmen to kill themselves. "Like shooting fish in a barrel", says Hitman. "My reputation is gone!"
How To Undo?
Mormons apologize for posthumous Jewish baptism! "We confused 'Smith' with 'Goldsmith'", says Spokesman.
"Linsanity" Continues!
'Linsanity' hits new level after clutch play! New NBA sensation hits clutch 120-foot 10-pointer from outside in car lot! Pulls out another win!
Cruise Captain's Latest Excuse
Italian Cruise Captain of sunken cruise ship now claims that terrorists rearranged the seashore between his last two visits.
ABC With Diane Sawyer
ABC Evening News program will devote ten minutes to two drawings of Whitney Houston, reportedly of a ducky & a horsey, that she drew as a child. Plus a man who saw her once in Central Park in 1991.
Oil Nazi Hits EU
Iran has told the EU, "No more oil for you. Go to the back of the line!"
Theresa May's fat cats get bonuses
50+ fat cat Home Office bureaucrats bagged bonuses of up to £45,000 last year just for doing their jobs, it emerged yesterday.
"The nepotistic swine's in Government make me want to... oh never mind!"
SHOCK: Jeremy Clarkson & Richard Hammond Thrown out of Top Gear
Complaints about bad language used in Sunday's episode of Top Gear have resulted in the sacking of Clarkson and Hammond. From now on, the show will be presented by the Stig and James May who is too posh!
Oliver Stone's Son Converts to Islam in Iran
Fars news agency in Iran have reported that Sean Stone, son of film director, Oliver Stone, has become a Shi'ite. Although they are probably right, we find this news a bit Fars fetched!
La Spoofadore
La Spoof a door just another big blow hole South of the boarder?
Motorbike thefts in UK have dropped!
Motorbike thefts have dropped in the UK, to about 24,000 per year, but at least 65% are never recovered.
"Good news?"
India village moved for tigers!
An Indian village has been moved so tigers can roam in their natural; AND RIGHTLY SO!
Two pop legends roll back into the Charts!
Sir Paul McCartney, 69, and Sir Mick Jagger (68)!
"Oh good... will that help me pay my utility bills at all?"
13th Feb 2012: UK Unemployment likely to worsen!
According to The Chartered Institute of Personnel Development.
"Did we need an Institute to tell us this?"
Ozzy Osbourne Advertising Colonoscopies
In a promotion with CBS, the winner gets three nights in NYC & a free colonoscopy. As Ozzy says, "You've got to be an arsehole to win, mate."
Iran's Day Coming!
Israel: Decision On Iran Attack To Be Made 'By Summer'..."Nuclear Winter at the latest", says P.M.
Ahmadinejad Shows Off!
Ahmadinejad to reveal new nuke facilities...invisible things that follow him around day and night.
Myrl Streep Performance Top Notch!
Meryl Streep Loses Shoe Onstage! But does such a brilliant performance of a two-shoed person, no one notices!
Gingrich Losing It?
Gingrich announces faith 'dream team' with Chuck Norris. "Then, I'm thinking, Clint Eastwood! Maybe even, Yosemite Sam!"
News Anchor Injured
News anchor bitten by dog received 70 stitches in face, terrible tongue-lashing!
Hard Times Hit U.S.
The average worker will get about $20 a week thanks to an agreement between House and Senate leaders. "$20 ain't much but these are hard times for all of us", say spokesmen for both parties.
Mad Bomber
Police: Iranian Man Blows Off Legs, Kok, In Bangkok Blast!
Zurich Most Expensive
Zurich Is World's Costliest City...Mayor proclaims "You decide to buy this town, you'll be needing a pretty penny, Mr. Moneybags!"
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