Spoof news snippets from December 2012
There were 165 spoof news snippets published in December 2012. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
December 2012 Prophecy Was Correct!
Experts now believe the Mayan prophecy about a large comet-like planet being linked to the end of time in December 2012 referred to this week's closure of Comet's remaining electrical retail stores.
Wise Words!
Piers Morgan's 'New American Constitution' goes on sale at all good book shops across America from next week. His 'New Improved Holy Bible' is expected to be on the shelves in time for Easter 2013.
Petition calls for Piers Morgan to be deported from US
Oi! We don't want him back over here!
Jewish Book Festival cancelled
Apparently nobody wanted to buy copies of the books - they either wanted a free copy from a friend of a friend, stood in WH Smiths reading it for an hour, or they borrowed from the library...
It's The Thought That Counts!
The Prime Minister's 'anything for me' to his postman this morning has at last brought a 'yes' reply. He said later, 'It's only a small one but at least it's a Christmas card.'
The Morning After The Mayan Prophecy
Apparently, the Jell-O chocolate pudding placated the gods of the Mayan prophecy.
Apple chief takes a smaller bite
The boss of Apple saw his pay package including stock options drop 99% from $378m last year to just $4.12m this year. TOUGH TIMES INDEED.
McKinnon 'health grounds' revealed to be 'hacking cough'
more soon...
New 'Warmer' Christmas Day Announced For Britain!
David Cameron has announced a change to the calendar. From now on 25 December becomes 25 June. He said Boxing Day will still fall on 26 December but will now come the day after the readjusted 25 June!
DirectGov website Hosts Fake Job Advert For Wannabe James Bonds
The bad news is that Dean Gaffney has told the Sun newspaper he has applied for the job.
Rail commuters advised to 'go with the flow'
Commuters are currently reminded that they require a valid ticket to travel, and a 'one width' swimming certificate (laminated if possible).
Chelsea 8 Aston Villa 0
The matchday announcer at Stamford Bridge has asked for a Christmas bonus and pay increase because of the extra work involved v Aston Villa.
Deadenders
The brother of a former Eastenders actress amits to having killed her...true, she was a lousy actress but strewth cobber, that's taking it a bit too far don't you think mate!
Cameron in Afghanistan at Christmas
He must have picked up a late deal at Thomson lucky sod!
Boris Johnson and Starbucks are in corporation!
Boris Johnson and Starbucks agree and are in "Corporation" Boris said; "You pay your taxes and I'll give you some free press exposure because I am so famous!" The perfect pair; Beans and Boris!
Argentina Furious As Disputed Antarctic Territory Renamed 'Queen Elizabeth Land'
'We have every right to rename that area,' said UK Foreign Secretary, William Hague, 'in the same way that we have renamed the Upyoursargentina Islands, previously known as the Falklands.'
BBC Portray Alfred Hitchcock As Sexual Predator
The BBC are being criticised as they portray Alfred Hitchcock as a sexual predator - at the same time, TheSpoof.co.uk made no comment about INCHCOCK
Egg and Chicken ordered through Royal Mail
We'll never know
Oceans rising at alarming rate--Santa will need a jet ski next year
With the polar ice cap melting at highest rate in history, Santa and his elves will have less livable area next year. Snowmobiles may need to give way to jet skis. "I'm such a misfit," said one elf.
Man eats mattress, duvet and pillow
Wakes up in the morning to find he's shit the bed
Big freeze warms up!
"The Big Freeze is just warming up so please stay in your snowdrifts until further notice;" The weather man!
Batteries needed for vibrators!
After 30 years of marriage a couple attempting to have a steamy sex session decided to use a vibrator unfortunately the thing didn't have batteries and left her cold insted of hot and spicy!
Sheepskin wearing monkey bookies new favorite.
A monkey named Darwin who was spotted shopping at Ikea in Toronto is the new favorite to be the next Chelsea manager. "In that sheepskin coat he looks a bit like John Motson" A Chelsea fan said.
Dirty money or dirty laundry? Go to HSBC!
The US have fined HSBC for being as clean as a whistle whilst laundering filthy money from drug cartels and rogue nations! It was easy; they own the joint!
Shops Relying On Aftermath Of Mayan Apocalypse
'Consumer spending is down as we approach Christmas,' confirmed a Retail Association spokesman. 'However, we expect an upturn on the 22nd from panic Christmas buying by ex-Mayan apocalypse believers.'
"Are you a breast or leg man, cobber?"
Don't invite drug addicts round for a meal on Boxing Day as they may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
"Piss off sport, I saw it first!"
Shoppers queue for start of Christmas rush........to the 99p shop!
Italian soccer fan contemplates suicide!
A sad, lonely Udinese fan who stood alone in Genoa was contemplating suicide so he gave the local Samaritans a buzz and they saved his life! They told him his crap club was not worth dying for!
Supermarket junk food is healthier than Jamie Oliver's recipes!
It has been proven that supermarket junk food makes you thin and Jamie's makes you fat! The reason is obvious; nobody can swallow the supermarket crap so they spit it out!
Cancer scientists admit they were working on the starsign, not the disease
'We found a cure for Cancer, but it involved not being born between 21 June and 22 July. Sorry'.
Wenger and Benítez swap jobs.
After Chelsea lost to West ham and Arsenal lost to Swansea the two teams decided to swap managers. Rafael Benítez will take charge at Arsenal and Arsene Wenger will take over at Chelsea from Monday.
Gay activists demand a Gay Santa!
Global gay activists have had enough and now they are demanding a gay Santa or they will boycott Christmas because the other one is gay all year and only at Christmas is he straight, ask Rudolph!
Cannibalism on the rise in homeless people
It has been discovered that homeless people are eating each other to stay alive. Apparently, they've been eating the drug addicts first. "What can I say," said one. "I like junkie food."
Plebiscite on Plebs
The Government is organising a Plebiscite on whether Adrian Mitchell called the Police Plebs.
Keep smiling Ed!
Labour accused of £11bn Black hole, or was it just Ed Milliband mooning?
Man trying to turn supermassive black hole discovery into Yo Mama joke
FARMVILLE, VA--Despite an hour-and-a-half of research, Pat Stion is uncertain if scientific terms can accurately convey how gaping Jacob Gulanski's mother's vagina is.
"I'm Dreaming of a......"
Depressed Norfolk Tory council boss shoots wife then himself....any chance Do-nothing-Dave might do us all a favour?
"Anyone seen the Greek?"
A hospital nurse caring for Kate Middleton, who was duped by two Aussie DJ's pretending to be the Queen and Chaz, has 'committed suicide'...not surprising based on what happened to Diana!!
Lord McAlpine changes Christmas costume
Lord McAlpine had been due to attend the Tory Xmas do dressed as Krampus. The German apposite of Santa who abducts children and beats them with sticks. He has swapped this for a Gary Glitter costume.
Royal Mail say "Christmas deliveries may be delayed"
...while they re-wrap the parcels they haven't nicked
A dog is for life, not just for Christmas
Experts say it depends whether you remember to put air holes in the box when you wrap it
Train Sets sold out for Christmas
Replacement Bus Service toys still available
A Taxing Time Ahead?
George 'Abacus' Osborne to take on tax avoiders....strewth, he won't make any friends within the Conservative Party doing that!!
The French Connection:3
Famous but ageing French actor, Gerard Depardieu detained after schooter crash, it could have been much worse, he could have totalled his zimmer frame!
What's Cooking?
Royal Kate has a bun in the oven..god help her if it's ginger!!
Paddy Power are already offering odds on Royal Baby name.
While Elizabeth and Diana are out right favorites for girls one punter has placed a 100-30 bet on the new baby being a future King named Kong.
Abramovich speaks out
and tells Chelsea fans "piss off and buy your own club"
The Simpsons are no Turkish Delight!
The Simpsons have been banned and fined in Turkey for being blasphemous. In one show Satan told Homer to mock God and it was not to the Turks Delight!
The Turning Of The Proverbial
Autumn Statement day..Osborne tightens the screw....allied to the upcoming snow as predicted, then we are heading for the 'almost' perfect Dickensian Christmas...cue the kid with crutches!
Balotelli, booed by BVB boo boys!
This time he was innocent; Super Mario didn't deserve to be booed off by the BVB boo boys! His shameful, pitiful, money grabbing Man city team mates deserved the Blitzkrieg not Balotelli!
Van Helsing:2
Well done Mr Osborne, I reckon you might have just hammered the last nail into the UK economies coffin after that Autumn Statement,watch the High Street vanish before your very eyes...roll on 2013!
Royal Wedding available on YouTube
Royal Conception now available on RedTube
Most people get what's coming to them
say Royal Mail ressuringly
Royal Mail falls short of its delivery targets
How fucking difficult can it be? Just keep going all the way up the path.
Economy boomin in UK
Writers at TheSpoof.com are paying people to read and rate their pissives five stars!
Lot lot of AK47's in Detroit
Detroit is about to be recognized as a country by the UN, they have killed so many people.
Cameron backs Gay Marriage in Church.
However the Prime Minister is not sure if he should marry Nick Clegg, Nigel Farage or Boris Johnson in a grim attempt to hold on to power for as long as he possibly can.
Up the Pole!
Snow alert: cold weather 'Beast' to hit UK....about time that Yeti purchased a new satnav, talk about lost!
Lorry drivers caught watching porn videos on the M1!
During an MI motorway operation several truck drivers were caught watching porno's whilst driving which caused swerving, but only on high-points!
RIP Patrick Moore
Always an eye on the stars, and one on the camera
'50 Shades of Grey' now available in Braille
Free lessons for blind women on how to read with only their left hand
Woman thrown off X-Factor for being mentally unstable
Akin to throwing a contestant off University Challenge for being a virgin
"You Rang M'Lud?"
So, lets get this straight, it's OK for a TV show, Fonejacker, to ring members of the public and wind them up...but if you do it to the Royal Mafia seemingly you are dead meat.....democracy UK style!
BA attempt to shag Virgin!
BA have attempted to shag Virgin but Sir Richard Branson refuses to open his legs!
It all adds up!
2011 Census reveals: Rise in Immigrants boosts population.....no shit Sherlock!
Hoax callers 'to kill Clarkson'
Australian DJs who caused a suicide by prank-calling a London hospital have been urged to call Jeremy Clarkson in an effort to make him take his own life.
Gizza job?
According to 'Government' figures youth unemployment has dropped by 72,000 during last quarter...."duck, here come some more flying pigs!"
Poptarts?
Jimmy Savile: Cops say more than 500 'victims' have come forward...how did he ever find time to host TOTP's?
"You dirty rat!"
Rat catchers are asking for permission to use stronger poisons to deal with the current plague of 'super rats'...surley it's more cost effective to hold a snap General Election?
Only in the UK!
Adding to the semingly endless: "You could not make it up's"...West Midlands Police are sending personalised Christmas cards to criminals 'warning' them to stay away from a life of crime!
Mike Tyson is not having a sex-change op!
An African spoof site has reported that ex-ear biter and boxer, Mike Tyson, is having a sex-change op! It's not true; he's just feeling his feminine side and she bites big-time too!
Its all balls to me!
$2,500 bounty on each of Justin Beibers testicals, had I known about this auction then I would have bid upward of $3,000!!
Greek soccer team sponsored by brothel!
A Greek soccer team that is sponsored by a brothel have been told that if they win all of their games they will be "handed" some free samples! They are now training "harder" than ever!
Dutch dead sky-diver lost in Dutch mountains for days!
A dutch sky-diver (RIP) who's parachute failed to open was lost for days because he landed in the dutch mountains and they are very difficult to access! He was found at an altitude of 6ft!
The Most Perfect Stocking Stuffer.
A one-legged homeless man may have the need for the most fitting stocking stuffer ever! He asked the Santa who works the mall, where he lives in the bushes from time to time, for a prosthetic leg.
Rowan Williams Speaks About The Eternal Mystery Of The Christmas Story
'It is something that believers accept on faith,' said the Archbishop. 'It will, of course, remain an eternal mystery as to what Andrew Mitchell really said to police at the gates of Downing Street.'
"Here's looking at yer kid!"
Queen's Christmas message will be in 3-D, thank god the old girl is not a nudist, that would have put me right off me Christmas Pudding!
NRA To America: We Are Sane, Reasonable People
But if you try to take our guns we'll kill every last one of you.
NASA Correctly Predicts The Non-End Of The World
Thousands of New Age believers converged on Cape Canaveral today to worship the rockets and lay offerings on the launch pads. 'They're still missing the point,' said a NASA spokeswoman.
President Obama Announces Guns Reform
"It was simple", said he. "The guns stay... but we have outlawed ammunition. That way they get to play Rambo without killing anybody."
You gotta laugh cobber!
Royal prank call: Crown Prosecution Service to consider charges....can you seriously see charges being levelled at Phil the Greek, no nor me...would the next scapegoat please step forward please!
Obama Quitting, Moving to UK
President Barack Obama announced Monday that he is resigning from the presidency immediately and moving to the UK after losing all hope for the country following this morning's shooting of 4 firemen.
Going to the surrealism market
After popping to the farmers' market, where the stall holders were all farmers and then the fish market to discover the stall holders were all fish, I decided not to go to the flea market.
6-5 Special
Do-Nothing-Dave's Tory boy New Year quote: "Britain 'On Right Track' for 2013"....is that the head on collison one Dave?
Wolves boss Stale Solbakken close to the sack
The former boss of West Midlands rivals Aston Villa and Birmingham, Alex McLeish, is in the running to take over.
That'll go down well at Molineux.
After that McLeish fancies the West Brom job.
Chelsea Deny Royal Link.
Chelsea Football Club this evening issued a denial after reports linked them with a deal to make The Duchess of Cambridge's unborn baby their new interim manager.
Jimmy Savile qizzed by police over Yorkshire Ripper murders
Its a gripping twist to the story, of that there is no doubt.
Wayne Rooney goes to Dubai for his birthday
I saved up for that all day, he says
Top baby names of 2012: Thrush and Fecal
Other top names include Machete, Van Der Graaf Generator, Human Centipede, Velcro, Fuckstick, Cheesy Football, Smegma, Vosene, Septuagesima and Quad Bike.
Easy with the KY signore!!
Sex addict and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has been ordered to pay his ex-wife £82,000 per day! Strewth, for that kind of wonga he can take me up the canal as much as he likes!!
Blackburn Rovers pantomime entertains football world
Henning Berg sacked as manager after 57 days, 3 days longer than George Entwistle at the BBC. 'Global Advisor' Shebby Singh denies taking training, but continues to sell chicken and flog a dead horse
Xmas not for everybody
For many people, Xmas is a time of great joy and togetherness. For Rupert J Beanlander of Dayton,Ohio it is filled with visceral misery and great pain. "God, I hate Christmas so much!!!!" he moaned.
Military Style Training for Unruly Children.
Another brilliant idea from the Coalition, teach 'em how to kill and maim each other and shoot straight first time, dead handy (no pun intended)for drive-by shootings...no more wasting bullets!
"I've never seen a better spread!"
A Middleton Christmas for Kate and William...no doubt Wills will be attempting to stuff the bird on the kitchen table while kate pulls his cracker until it goes bang!