Spoof news snippets from Thursday 2 August 2012

Stone Roses to perform secret London warm up gig

Thanks for the warning

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 111

All cleaned, ghostly-white

Newly-wed Sean O'Corn claims that new marital home is haunted by the ghost of a cleaner. 'It's eerie,' he says, 'I turn around, and everything's been tidied away.' Mrs. O'Corn made no comment.

Better late than never

Shelly the British entry for Olympic Snail racing team has taken the gold medal in a phenomenal finish. The team began this epic challenge back in Beijing, China, in the 2008 games.

Groovy retro-music system unearthed

Billy Booster, grandson of engineer Bertie Bandwyth, recently unearthed an early sound-system in the boot of an old Austin A40 - a record player, with a set of interchangeable jazz 78s. Groovy!"

Three-in-one

With the continuing trend of Christmas items being available from September, Santa Claus is due to switch on the spooky lights this year at the 'North-West' mall, simultaneously setting off fireworks.

Join the club

Fizzy French golfer Jean-Luc Ozade tried to pull a fast one today when he kicked his golf-ball into Hole 18. He claimed the move acceptable since he used his clubbed foot.

1/3rd of UK Motorists cutting back on food to keep car!

Nearly a third say they have slashed their spend on groceries to fund the sky-high cost of motoring.

"I;ve already got rif of the car, the telly, the cat, and bank balance in an effort to keep eating!"

Postman had 75,000 letters and parcels in his garden shed!

Hodson, 33, said that he'd been too lazy to deliver the 70,000 of junk mail and 4,376 addressed packages. He also stole up to £600 from gift cards.

"That's where me poison pen letter to Clegg went?"

New Pill Goes On Sale

Men need never feel ashamed to take a communal shower again with the release today of a new pill, the KingKong2000, which instantly causes a man's penis to blow up to around six times its usual size.

Romney trip a success: Ugly American Syndrome is real

Romney's recent trip to Europe and Israel was successful, if for only one reason. The myth of the Ugly American is a myth no more. Bombastic, insulting, aghast at small hotel rooms? All of the above.

Long Running Radio Show, The Archers Is Too Sexy

The BBC's long-running radio show, The Archers is to be renamed 50 Shades Of Hay after it has lost 400,000 listeners because it has become too raunchy.

Power Corrupts People

LONE RANGER: NYC Council allowed Mayor Bloomberg a third term and he is now regulating liquids such as soft drinks and breast milk. TONTO: Hide your red meat, Twinkies, donuts, and Doritos!

Political Amateur Hour

The Obama administration is akin to a bunch of amateur musicians trying to play as a symphony orchestra, while being led by a maestro who can't read musical notes!

IRS Gold Diggers

Liberals are so eager to spend other American's money that the IRS is allowed to tax the gold & silver medals won by US Olympic athletes! Sen. Rubio (R-FL) is trying to lift the tax on Olympic medals.

Engineers Strike Planned

Engineers to strike until the Obama administration gets rid of left leaning morons who make up unproven theories about the environment & energy generation. Economists are also considering a strike!

Not My Kind of Town

Chicago's Democratic Mayor Rahm indicates the Chick-Fil-A CEO's opinion on same sex marriage is un-Chicagoan. Mr. Mayor so is Chicago having the highest murder rate in the entire USA!

Is it Fiction or Friction?

New liberal think tank study on global warming blames temperature rise on the Earth's six billion people all scratching their butts at the same time!

Same Old, Same Old

Representative Pelosi (D-CA) blames White House national security leaks on SMOG. Conservative and liberal White House reporters call this another one of Nancy's absurd outbursts!

The Road to Hell

Environmentalists protected grey seals along the Cape Cod MA coast. White sharks took notice and began to feed here, also nibbling on people, destroying a day at the beach!

What me Worry about Real Issues

President Obama has destroyed the US economy, but is putting a plank in the Democratic Party platform about same sex marriage to make up for it!

Watch Both of His Faces

President Obama indicates the USA needs nuclear generated electrical energy. President Obama then cuts the funding to store the small amount of nuclear waste at Yucca Mountain Nevada!

Vote Early, Vote Often

Following in the footsteps of a long line of Chicago Democratic politicians, the Obama reelection campaign is calling for all dead people in the 50 states to vote for President Obama in November 2012!

You Decide In November 2012

President Obama is either the most incompetent US chief executive in US history or he is out to intentionally destroy the US economy, Capitalism and US standing as the leader of the free world!

NYC Mayor Bloomberg's Big Nanny City

NYC Mayor Bloomberg prefers boobs to baby formula and will use the city bureaucracy to make sure small children get their fair share!

What a Bunch of Manure

Would you go to an environmentalist for a surgical procedure? Then why is Maryland letting environmentalists tell the state's farmers how to grow crops, fertilize these crops and spread manure?

Obama's No Drilling Policy

US GDP only grew at a 1.5% rate, jobs fueled by gas drilling on private lands which has politically saved Pres. Obama. Private drillers threaten to stop, insuring Republicans are elected in November!