Spoof news snippets from Thursday 5 April 2012

Newt Gingrich's Think Tank Files for Bankruptcy

... Moral bankruptcy!

Government launches 'big society' bank

No word yet on the CEO bonuses.

Balloteli scores with 'Rooney' hooker

Man City 1 Man United 1
Extra time to follow (allegedly)

Dannii Minogue splits from partner.

'She became a mini-ogre' a source close to Kris Smith told reporters.

City whizzkid who 'splashed out £150,000 on single bottle of champagne is arrested for financial fraud'

Looks like he'll have to put that job advising the Government on hold.

Put another log on the Fire!!

Brits in debt: £478m owed to energy firms..."cue Mr Charlie Rich and "Behind Closed Doors!"

How low can you go?

Part time PM 'Do-nothing-Dave's' rating lowest since he became a squatter at Number 10.....keep up the good work son soon you'll morph into a snake!

Good length for a hose lad.

One in three people will flout 'hosepipe ban'...not surprising really considering snow will soon give way to rain!!

Pink Lady?

Cheryl Cole back in hotpants screams headline....pretty much where she started out then, she has certainly been missed by the punters in Pink Lane!

Mario Balotelli bedded Wayne Rooney's hooker for free!

The bad boy Manchester City striker got the green light from £1,000-a-night escort girl Jennifer Thompson after pulling up alongside her in his £200,000 white Bentley!

"Bet that pissed Wayne off!"

German cars ahead for UK drivers

YouGov's BrandIndex data indicates that the cars consumers would prefer to drive away are German!

"We've driven away German Dorniers, Henchels, Junkers, and Porsche % Krupp made tanks before!"

Nottinghamshire sees third lottery win of 2012!

Jim Emerton, 56, and his wife Maureen, 55, said they were looking forward to 'plenty of breakfasts in bed'

"I can see they intend to do a lot of good for others with the money!" Not that I'm jealous!

YouGov: Workers 'more stressed' nowadays!

Well, those few with a job anyway!

David Cameron's rating at new all time low!

But Labour leader Ed Miliband has failed to take advantage. Only 19 per cent said he would make the best PM. Only five per cent thought Nick Clegg would be the best PM, down one point.

"Sad innit?"

Spoilt kids 'causing havoc in schools'

Mary Bousted said many are "waited on hand and foot" by indulgent parents. According to the Association of Teachers.

"Too many don't do the washing-up, or hoovering!

"Hang um, liquidate the vermin!"

Queen to hand out Maundy money at York Minster

"We are given to understand that this service is very important to The Queen," The Very Reverend, Keith Jones said.

"Ha!"

New dress claims to turn see-through when wearer is aroused

A new dress will allow people to see when the wearer is aroused - by becoming transparent when the heart rate increases.

"Oh!"
Metro: See-through dress

Large supermarkets will have to keep cigarettes behind doors

Supermarkets will have to keep cigarettes behind doors or screens from tomorrow. Will it make any difference to tobacco sales?

"I'm sure that 90% of them come from Lithuania or wherever anyway!"

NBC Apologizes for Shoddy Editing of Zimmerman Call

Why the fuss, mistakes happen, here is a sentence pasted from Wikipedia,
NBC is sometimes referred to as the "cock Network." Looks harmless to me.

Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 11

Egg shells into 'plastic' study for Leicester academics

A study to look at ways of producing a part replacement for plastic from egg shells is to be carried out by University of Leicester.

"Easier than finding a cure for cancer & heart failure I suppose!"

Don Banfield murdered by wife and daughter

The wife and daughter of a man who vanished more than 10 years ago have been found guilty of his murder.

"Family life eh?"

Pontins fined £1,000 over 'shocking' holiday death

A former holiday company has received a nominal £1,000 fine after the death of a woman who contracted Legionnaires' Disease at one of its holiday parks.

"And it took them two year fine um!"

New Blackpool tram derailed on first journey!

The first of Blackpool's new trams to set off from Fleetwood after a £100m upgrade has come off the rails.

"Very encouraging... now where's me Southport brochure..."

Sheffield refuse collectors announce three strike days

Refuse collectors in Sheffield have said they are to go on strike for three consecutive Fridays in April, in a dispute over pay. The union was due to meet with (Acas) & Veolia.

"Rubbish!"

Violent Arfath Ali escapes custody at Norwich Crown Court!

"Now will they reconsider using minimum wage security officers instead of real policemen in the courts? - No I suppose not!"

London: Bow traffic roundabout 'cannot be made safe'

A roundabout where two cyclists were killed in a single month will never be completely safe for bikes, a Transport for London boss has admitted.

"Nice to know!"