18/04/12 HMG: Petrol Prices to reach £1.60 a litre
"Just thought I'd cheer you up!"
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Man Shoots Nail Into His Heart - And Survives
Dennis Hennis, 52, was trying to clear a jammed nail gun when he fired it into his chest, puncturing the right side of his heart.
He said he felt like he'd won the lottery!
"Good for him!"
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Nude maid service raising eyebrows in Texas city
Police in this staunchly conservative West Texas city are keeping close tabs on a young entrepreneur's recently opened cleaning service that offers nude maids!
"Bet their keeping a close eye on em!"
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NC town's police chief can't shoot, loses gun and badge
Police Chief Thomas Bennett was suspended as a law enforcement officer after failing his recent annual firearms qualification exam.
"Bit worrying that!"
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Alabama judge orders man to jail for wearing sagging pants
A man has been given a three-day jail sentence for contempt of court for wearing so-called saggy pants. The judge told Ramsey to buy pants that fit or a belt when he gets out of jail!
"Bit keen that?"
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Straight male stroke patients are turning "gay"!
Male sufferers of strokes (especially back strokes) are turning gay because the stroke "bends" a nerve and ex-hunky Welsh Rugby players have proved the point after a scrum or two!
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Proven: Only female mosquitoes bite people!
Only female mosquitoes bite people and feed on blood for egg production.
"I'm not surprised at all!"
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6 puppies, mother dog abandoned in Ohio suitcase!
A man who tried to abandon 6 puppies by zipping them inside a suitcase and leaving it outside an Ohio business was charged after it was found he'd left his contact information attached.
"The git!"
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French police seize 13 tons of tiny Eiffel Towers
Police say they've seized around 13 tons of mini Eiffel Towers. They say a Paris souvenir shop owner, husband & son also were arrested accused of selling the towers without a permit.
"Another violent crime prevented!"
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Vt. governor chased by 4 bears in backyard
Vermont Gov. Peter Shumlin says he was chased and nearly caught by four bears that were raiding his birdfeeders.
"The bear-faced cheek!"
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Five reasons to give Chelsea hope (v Barcelona)
1. Ref is a friend of Roman Abramovitch
2. Lionel Messi doesn't like weather in London.
3. Barcelona team arrested for not paying congestion charge.
4. Chelsea switch floodlights off.
5. Errrr..
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BBC3 change name of sketch show
Originally to be called Moob Town, after James Corden turned down a part it will now be called Boom Town.
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Mario Balotelli says he has "no intention of leaving" Manchester City this summer.
He's chaining himself to the goalposts.
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Aquascrotum 'in administration'
Iconic swimwear manufacturer blames wrong kind of water
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Chelsea 'not afraid of Barcelona'
It's the ref that f***ed them last time.
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American Jim Yong Kim beats Nigerian Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala To Be President Of The World Bank
'I have no hard feelings,' said the Nigerian Finance Minister. 'Indeed, I know of the fortune of a deceased, heir-less millionaire which can be sent to the World Bank if Mr Kim pays an initial fee.'
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Mob rampage in Wigan McDonalds.
Normally I'd blame Mad Cow disease, but this was before they ate their cheeseburgers.
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Talksport to broadcast Premier League matches in Spanish and Mandarin.
Good news for Athletico Wigan manager Roberto Martinez.
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Church of England to Make Sunday Schools Compulsory
Education secretary, Michael Gove wishes that the Church of England would take a more active role in children's education. Therefore, Sunday school will be made compulsory!
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Australian troops to pull out of Afghanistan.
They run out of Fosters.
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Inseine's BOOK OF THE DAY 23
" Scientific Exercises in Cloning"
by
Ima Dubble
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Adele is nominated for 4 Ivor Novellos
Lets hope Blur don't turn up to do a spot when she's in the middle of her acceptance speech...
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Rihanna and Katy Perry wo-mance continues at Coachella
Ohhh to be the filling in that sandwich...
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Courtney Love says sorry to daughter on Twitter
Read more from Courtneys new book 'How Not To Be A Mother - Chapter 34'
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Pippa Middleton faces probe over gun incident (AOL headline)
Form an orderly queue gents...
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Burglar arrested in shower after champagne & meal
Police say a naked burglar has been arrested while taking a shower after he sipped champagne and ate a meal in a California family's home, while robbing it!
"Cheeky monkey!"
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