Spoof news snippets from April 2012

Real Working Mom Ann Romney

So how many housemaids, butlers, cooks, gardeners, baby sitters, nannies, window cleaners and tutors did this "couple of Cadillac" driving mom really have?

Liverpool don't sack Dalglish

Despite taking full responsibility for the players he's signed, Kenny Dalglish has not been sacked. Instead, Damien Comolli, who negotiated the deals for Dalglish, has been fired.
Scapegoat anyone?

Rupert Murdoch: Dealing with Blair 'like porcupines mating'

Yep, lots of pricks, nasty business

David Cameron to Increase RAF Aircraft

Following his historic visit to Burma, David Cameron has secured the release of 20 Spitfires which were buried in crates during WW2. "I'm sure that this will keep Britain safe from invaders" he said.

Secret Service tightens up rules: no more skanky whores

Being in the U.S. Secret Service has just become less fun: agents are to no longer drink excessively and, if they do, they best not be consorting with skanky whores. And if they do, they're to pay up.

Fingernails of the Stars! New Reality TV Show Has People Biting Their Nails!

Success of Paint Peeling which drew over 6 million American viewers has lead to a new Reality show, watching star's fingernails grow. Lindsay Lohan, Oprah Winfrey are just two of the nails you'll see.

Taleban Are Thinking of Using Chuggers

Desperate for cash to help them with their insurgency in Afghanistan, the Taleban are appealing to the Muslim world for financial help. They are considering employing George Galloway as a chugger in Bradford.

Children Worldwide Are Disappointed

Disney Studios has now confirmed it to be true: Peter Pan was a cross-dresser.

Rape on Increase in Farming Community

In the drought-stricken areas of the UK, farmers are being forced to resort to rape. "It's such a versatile, quick growing and high yield crop that requires little water!" one farmer was heard to say.

North Korea joins the air race

North Korea has launched its first paper aeroplane. It rose to a height of seven and a half feet before crashing down. The crowd of 250,000 people cheered with gusto at its success. Next, a balloon!

The Return of Michael Jackson Expected Imminently

Michael Jackson will be appearing on stage at a theatre near you... as a hologram. This is nothing new as a hologram of Elvis Presley has been working in a chip shop in Cardiff for years!

Facebook buy Instagram for $1 billion.

Maan - If I had a billion dollars I'd be buying strppergrams.

Obama's comment on Free Trade with Columbia

President Obama in Cartagena, Columbia said, "A $47 a night hooker for secret service agents proves that free trade with Columbia is a myth, on the other hand, it illustrates stimulus does work."

Iron Man Deux

Mike Tyson launches one-man show in Vegas........bet that's a knockout!

So Farewell, Prof Ferdinand Alexander Porsche.

I understand your cars are popular with a certain section of the market. If I had the money, I have to admit I'm a Maserati man myself, but well done to you, anyway.

Aussie cricketer compliments English heckler

"Great Slate Mate"

5 simple ways to beat traffic. (AOL lifestyle headline)

1. Stay at home.
2. Go to prison.
3. Red Bull gives you wings!
4. Move to the desert.
5. Only travel between 1am-6am

Columbian hose order mistaken for attempt to buy whores

A simple order for garden hose has led to the suspension and/or firing of 11 Secret Service agents. Due to lack of rain, agents wanted to hose down a backdrop where Mr. Obama was to speak.

Women of 50 invisible on TV, says Samantha Bond.

Eh? Who said that? Where did that voice come from?

NBC Apologizes for Shoddy Editing of Zimmerman Call

Why the fuss, mistakes happen, here is a sentence pasted from Wikipedia,
NBC is sometimes referred to as the "cock Network." Looks harmless to me.

Hosepipe ban puts lives at risk says fireman.

Fireman say lives are being put at risk after hosepipe bans are being introduced across the Uk. Fireman who rely on hosepipes must now try and stamp out fires with there feet.

Black market gear costs Britain £30bn in lost taxes

Black marketeers flogging cigs, booze and diesel were yesterday revealed to have cost the UK almost £30billion in lost taxes.

"Are you surprised? I'm not"

Band headline: number 99

EXTINCT ANIMALS MAY LOSE PROTECTION

Pluto No Longer Mickey Mouse Cartoon Character

Pluto, originally classified as a Disney character often seen in the company of Mickey Mouse, has been reclassified as a dwarf Disney character, and will now spend most of his time with Snow White.

The U.K.'s Most Infected Website

According to Avast! The most infected website in the UK is www.Cocktailmaking.co.uk, however, one even more dangerous has been found called www.Molotovcocktailmaking.com and is a hit with terrorists.

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Council Accused of Wasting Money

Stoke-on-Trent council are to spend £10,000 on DVDs to show tenants how to do basic DIY jobs. This is a waste of money as most tenants cannot afford a TV licence, let alone a DVD player.

Syria crisis debated at Istanbul talks!

"An opportunity for them to talk Turkey then?"

University Hospitals of Leicester NHS Trust to cut 400 jobs!

Hospital Managers said: It would not affect patient care!

"BOLLOCKS!"

Mario Balotelli confuses Mancini with a sex-doll

Manchester City player, Mario Balotelli has confused his manager with a blow-up doll. "I love my manager," he said. "and I let it down." He was last seen buying a puncture repair kit.

Spanish King's Grandson Shoots Himself in the Foot

The 13-year-old grandson of Spain's King Juan Carlos has accidentally shot himself in the foot. Apparently the lad's OK. This is a daily routine for Prime Minister, David Cameron.

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Marlins suspend manager Ozzie Guillen for 5 games

Guillen was suspended for five games Tuesday because of his comments about Fidel Castro. "When I said he had cojones I meant baseballs," said the apologetic Venezuelan, Guillen

Obama out raises Romney in campaign fundraising

President Obama raised $53 million versus $12.6 million for Mitt Romney.
Sounds like one has a silver spoon and the other has a plastic one.

RAC emergency man nicks tyres!

A UK RAC emergency man offered desperate motorists a superb free service whilst they were not looking; he exchanged their Good-year tyres for his bald Michelin ones, what a deal!

Rare 1792 penny sells for $1.15 million

The unusual coin was auctioned off Thursday at the Renaissance Schaumburg Convention Center in suburban Chicago.

"So who wouldn't bend down to pick up a penny now!"

Scientist uses physics to dodge traffic ticket in court

In a paper titled "The Proof of Innocence," Dmitri Krioukov appealed his failure-to-stop ticket, explaining that he may have appeared to an officer that he didn't stop but he actually did!

Dog Snoopy is best man at Swansea church wedding!

They tied the knot after 14 years, did not want their much-loved pet to miss out on the ceremony.
Snoop kept the rings in a bag round his neck and barked to announce the service had finished.

"Nice!"

UFO Appears on the Face of Belgian Girl

Not only has Belgian girl, Kimberly Vlaminck, 18, had 56 stars tattooed on her face, a UFO was found just above her right eyebrow. It turned out to be a bit of toast & marmalade which stuck there.

Olbermann might be on the air soon

Keith Olbermann spent his last days at Current TV with rants about "smelly'' drivers who had the audacity to talk to him. "Our kinda guy, said a JetBlue spokesman, we're talking to Keith."

Save Petrol

In an effort to mitigate the cost of driving a car, the government are urging Brits to car pool. "It's no good," said one commuter. "I can't swim, and neither can my car."

Man Utd get double dose of the "Blues"!

Man Utd got a severe double dose of the "Blues" after they looked like a lump of Swiss cheese (remember Basel?) and now the other "Blues" will be laughing all the way to the toothless "Wolves" den!

Mad cow disease found in California

aka another Mitt Romney supporter.

Ronaldo misses penalty in shoot out v Bayern Munich

What a winker.

Obama's Secret Service agents sent home from Summit of Americas for misconduct

The alleged misconduct may have involved prostitutes in Cartagena, site of the Summit of the Americas. DNC's Hilary Rosen,who created a stir over Ann Romney, said, "At least they're working women"

Election 2012 Politics

President Obama and Republican presidential candidate Romney are courting the nation's women. Do Michelle Obama and Ann Romney know about this?

Kim Jong-un Takes Positon in Pfizer

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un announced today that his country is taking a major position in Pfizer Inc. He has directed his rocket scientists to fuel their next rocket with Viagara.

Nottingahm Chemist robbed of 500 box's of Viagra!

The suspect is suspected to be a hardened criminal!

Possibility of a New Pearl Harbour

Fears are growing in the US that Japan will start A New Pearl Harbour in retaliation for this morning's sinking of the tsunami "ghost ship" by live cannon fire from the US Coast Guard.

Stethoscope-wielding Doc to teenager diagnosed with bad chest:

"Big breaths, now".

"Yeth, Doctor, and I'm only thickthteen."

IT worker turns himself in for urinating on colleague's chairs!

The Des Moines Register reports that 59-year-old Raymond Foley turned himself in to face a charge of second-degree criminal mischief!

Ioaan man charged

"Maybe they pissed him off?"

Hillary Cuts Loose on Columbian Dancefloor

Mrs. Clinton guzzled a large volume of aguardiente, the same Columbian elixir that befell 11 Secret Service agents. Her last whereabouts are unknown. Hotels are being searched citywide.

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How many agents does it take guard the POTUS

None -if you're screwing hookers in Columbia

Sky Diver Young orders parachute for Manchester Derby!

Ashley Young is worried about having to dive so high against Man City to get a penalty that he has ordered a parachute to soften his landing!

Jennifer Aniston Has a Secret Half Brother

Damn! Bad luck Jennifer. One more guy who you can't marry and live happily ever after with...

Nicki Minaj in New York without her trousers.

Damn, I suppose I'll have to give em back...

Kate Middleton Is 'Too Beautiful' To Paint According To Royal Artist

He had to say that - or it was off to the tower for him!

This will be a one term government says Ed Miliband.

As compared to his own 'zero term government' while leader...

Sugar 'is the same as poison' claims leading doctor

Just off to make the missus a cuppa.

Circulation of The Sun Sunday drops to 2.4m

600,000 people woke up on a sunday morning and smelt the coffee...

Snippets weekly Omnibus moved from sundays to friday nights

Perfect for insomniacs!

Biden's take on the prostitute episode in Columbia

According to Vice President Biden, "This flap in Columbia with hookers and our secret agents is a big fuckin' deal."

A message from the Government:

Happy New (Tax) Year
As a small token, we are giving you a 5p gift in the pound.
Don't spend it all at once (on petrol or pasties)
And finally, don't forget to vote for us...

Liverpool in crisis after 6 defeats in 7 league games.

The Anfield Cat is on standby by to replace Kenny Dalglish as caretaker if needed.

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Mourinho aims for a bullseye instead of talking bull.

Real Madrid boss Jose Mourinho has given his pre-match news conference another miss. It's the 45th he has avoided since taking over at the Bernabeu in 2010. His assistant, Aitor Karanka, deputised.

Football Association confirmed FA Cup final will kick off at 1715 BST on 5 May.

Ahhh, you can't beat the tradition of the FA Cup...

Aquascrotum 'in administration'

Iconic swimwear manufacturer blames wrong kind of water

Ke$ha tweets pics of herself peeing in public.

Classy. Remind me to un-invite her to sunday lunch at my parents next week.

Screwed Up Priorities

Muslim fanatics attack & kill Christians in nations that don't have a "pot to piss in" & destroy any economic infrastructure. Yet, environmentalists are worried about climate change in these nations!

Study Shows We Use Only 10% Of Our Brains To Realize That Isn't True

The same study claims the average person will read that headline a total of three times before finally admitting to themselves that they don't get it.

Badminton Horse Trials Cancelled

The RSPCA have finally got their wish.

They have claimed for many years that making horses play badminton was cruel.

Tu Pac (RIP 1996) rises from dead as a hologram at Coachella

Tu Pac rapped, If there's something strange in your neighborhood/Who you gonna call? -Ghostbusters! /If there's something weird and it don't look good/Who you gonna call?-Ghostbusters!

Find Your Nearest Criminal

The Metropolitan Police Service have invented an app in which you can identify unknown criminals who live by you. Apparently you are never more than 10 feet away from one.

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Gingrich concedes Romney win, will plod ahead anyway to burn even more money

Newt Gingrich admits that Mitt Romney is the likely Republican nominee. However, like a good Republican, Newt will drive his finances deeper into the red. "We're only $4.5 million in the hole, right?"

Doing Well in China

There are least 10 Chinese billionaires who have made it into the 'Yellow Times' Lich Rist.

Tottenham Court Road Siege Suspect 'Was BNP Candidate'

Well that's not going to make them popular with voters...

Alaska's largest city breaks seasonal snow record

Anchorage has been walloped by snow.
City snow removal men hauled more than 2.5 million cubic yards of snow to the city's six snow disposal sites!

"Cor blimus!"

Pirate bay website to be blocked

You'll have to buy your pirates offline now.

UK clampers clamp Meals on wheels van!

UK Clampers, better known as Highway thugs, clamped a meals on wheels van. The driver called the charitable "Hairy Bikers" and they threatened to punch the Clampers lights out; it was removed!

Cats go on the computer when humans are not home

If you ever see your cat sit in a computer chair, the reason is because your cat talks to other cats on the computer, cats are scheming to rule the world as of this writing.

New TV show for dogs launches in the US

It will not be shown in the UK because dogs do not have licences.

Police considering investigation into voter fraud in Tower Hamlets

About time. How many people called 'Mohammed Khan' can there be living in one flat?

Taliban commander turns himself in, demands $100 reward

Mustaf Bin Awanker identified himself at a checkpoint in Eastern Afghanistan and asked for his reward. I Zheet M'Drurz,the translator, laughed so hard, he lived up to his name, and shat himself

Bad Headline: number 106

10-MONTH-OLD BABY ATTACKED BY FERRET IN PRAM

Milton Keynes Maths Teacher Blames Arithmetic for Divorce

The Milton Keynes maths teacher has blamed arithmetic as the cause for his divorce. After 22 years of marriage, his wife put 2 and 2 together.

Bombastic London 2012 breaks all records!

The show to end all shows is about to begin; London 2012. The biggest, the best, most expensive, etc and sure to mesmerise the whole world (except me) WHY? Of course it is in England, where else!

The Vatican Approves of New Wafer

The Vatican has approved of a new low-carbohydrate wafer. During communion, the wafer called "I can't believe it's not Jesus!" will be in widespread use in Roman Catholic churches worldwide.

UK demands £45m war debt from Argentina

UK Government is chasing a £45m debt owed by Argentina on a 1979 loan that the country's ruling military junta spent on weapons used to invade the Falkland Islands.

"Oh yes, I'm sure we'll get that!"

White House Not Sure How Many Wars US is involved in.

The White House announced that it is not sure how many wars America is involved in, but guesses around 6 based off the number of American Idol seasons.

A Name Change

Comedian Bill Maher is changing the name of his Super Pac to "Morons for Obama," after he received bipartisan complaints about his nasty remarks about Ann Romney!

Crazed JetBlue pilot's wife says family focusing on his recovery

"Just chillin', listening to Paul Simon -- 'Still Crazy after all these Years'."

Family's grief over 'plot'

The family of a Wall Street executive was stunned to find the cemetery plot bought 29 years ago was occupied. Occupy Wall Street denies involvement, "Our dead are in the 99% plots not the 1% ones."