Bad Headline Number 89
19 FEET BROKEN IN THE POLE VAULT
Heroin and crack addict numbers dip!
Number of heroin and crack addicts needing treatment fell by almost 2% over the last two years, figures showed today.
Synthetic marijuana, magic mushrooms, and Alcoholic poisoning deaths are up 6%.
What riots? Crime statistics ignore summer disorder!
The worst riots to hit British cities for generations. 1000's took to the streets burning, looting, causing hundreds of millions of pounds of damage.
Why are they in crime records!
Wayne Rooney's father arrested in police betting probe
Wayne Rooney Snr and Steve Jennings were arrested by Police, one of 9 men who've been arrested for betting irregularities.
I thought he'd had a bet on when England's next win would come!
Human Rights Act divides & confuses Tories!
The depth of divisions within the Government over the Human Rights Act were exposed today.
There were some in favour of Rights, a few in favour of Acts, but we could not find a Human Tory MP to ask!
Rooney Snr. nicked for bribing Caber Tossers at the Higland Games!
Rooney Snr. with his mates and brother have been nicked by the police for bribing a caber "Tosser" from Motherwell. This has nothing to do with footy bribes in Motherwell, they're all tossers anyway!
Wallgreen's is now selling the green
As they finally carry the product that sells itself, marijuana, financial experts predict their stock is to hit an all time high.
Swede wins Nobel Literature Prize
A Swede has won the 2012 Nobel Literature Prize. It is thought this is the first time a vegetable has won the prize since Barry the Parsnip in 1957.
The President Speaks Out On Sarah Palin's Decison Not To Run
President Obama was asked to comment on Sarah Palin's decision not to run for president. He smiled, shook his head, and replied, "Well, I really and truly feel sorry for Alaska's moose population."
Ron Paul Tells It Like It Smells
Ron Paul was asked to comment on Sarah Palin's decision not to run for the presidency of the United States. He grinned and said he is thrilled because frankly he cannot stand the smell of gunpowder.
The Pot Calling The Kettle Black
Herman Cain criticized Rick Perry for the name of his ranch while he was having breakfast at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant.
Minnesota and Alaska - Two Cold States
Michele Bachmann who lives in Minnesota, a state whose winters are much like Alaska's, says now that Sarah "Snow Plow" Palin has decided not to run she fully expects to get all of the Eskimo vote.
Amanda Knox returns to Italy
Amanda Knox has escaped the media jungle in the States to return to a life of peace and quiet it Italy. 'I did it' she said hopefully on arrival in Rome.
written by j.w.
, 06 October 2011
So Farewell, Bert Jansch.
I have a guitar. Two actually. Bet you had more - and I bet you could play them a damn site better than me, too. Well, that's a no-brainer, really.
So Farewell, Steve Jobs
Erm ... I never owned or worked on anything by Apple. Sorry. I have friends who do, though.
Britain to press for sanctions against Iceland as mackerel war escalates!
Asked to do something about the Icelandic raiders, a Government spokesmen said: "In the event of any further intrusions, we will consider sending both of our naval vessels to stop them!"
Osborne finds £805m to freeze Council Tax
Made redundant Fred Up, commented: "That was nice of him, he most likely got it from his off-shore joint account with his wife!"
Britain's record-breaking heatwave is set to continue in some areas!
Of course in Nottingham they will have high winds, and heavy rain, with the chance of police stations being torched again!
Ed Miliband's first year as leader: Is this the end of the beginning - or the beginning of the end?
Well anagrams of Is this the end of the beginning? include:
In fight nothingness bite Ed eh?
Fine, I'd bet eighth nothingness!
Eh, bit shit finding Stonehenge!
Thousands of acres of publicly-owned brownfield land are to be released by the Government for housebuilding!
David Cameron, share-holder in David Wilson Homes, Taylor Wilson, Barrat Homes, and chairman of the Housebuilding Federation, announced at the start of the Tory conference today!
The President Is The Nation's Number One Kidder
President Obama proved that he still has his sense of humor. He was recently asked why he smokes Marlboro cigarettes. He grinned and replied because pot is illegal.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Are Kinda Like Sisters (Sorta)
What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann? Sarah Palin smells like gun powder.
The Most Lickable Stamps In The History of The U.S. Post Office
The U.S. Post Office in order to stimulate sagging postage stamp sales will issue new postage stamps featuring nude pictures of Kim Kardashian, Shakira, Scarlett Johansson, and Beyonce.
Rick Perry Says That The Haters Just Gotta Stop Bitchin'
Rick Perry says he cannot understand what all the commotion about the former name of his ranch is. He reportedly remarked, "I mean my goodness, it's a ranch people, it's not like it's a high school."
Beverly Hills Is Looking Out For The Elderly
The city of Beverly Hills has just announced that they have passed a bill that allows its senior citizens to receive a 10 percent senior citizens discount when purchasing a Rolls Royce.
The Entire Group Is Actually The Butt of The Joke
Kim Kardashian has just started a unique group whose one common feature is that the members have all had their butts X-rayed. So far members include J.Lo, Nicki Minaj, Chaz Bono, and Nancy Pelosi.
Michele Bachmann Wants The "Hate Mail" To Stop Now!
Michele Bachmann has just announced that she will no longer be reading any 'hate mail.' She asks that haters please stop it because she is just going to turn around and forward it to Jan Brewer.
Todd Palin Is One Very Disappointed Salmon Fisherman
Todd Palin confided to a close friend that he is really disappointed his wife is not running for president. Todd noted that he was really looking forward to the tons of free time he would have had.