Spoof news snippets from October 2011
There were 556 spoof news snippets published in October 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Turmoil As X-Factor Viewing Figures Plummet
Fans turn off to watch paint dry instead.
New Self-Help Group Problems
A new self-help group called Liars Anonymous has had problems in their advertising, because each advertisement carries a different venue. Nobody knows which is the correct one.
The Freedom of the Russian Press
Pravda have today announced that it welcomed letters to the editor.
All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.
Thousands of NATO Troops Made Redundant
With the job finished in Libya, the governments of many bankrupt countries have made their troops redundant.
Middle East debt swap?
Palestinian leaders have offered Israel the chance to swap debts to help ease their financial troubles. They would like to swap every $1000 of their own debt for $1 of Israeli debt.
Greece sees general strike
A general strike is under way in Greece. Fortunately, the Greek army are not being used at the moment, so Field Marshal Stavros does not miss his generals.
Bad Headline Number: 91
STADIUM AIR CONDITIONING FAILS - FANS PROTEST
Lady-man-boobs on the rise
Amid a worrying rise in female drinking habits, this year there has been a 300% increase in operations to remove female moobs, or foobs.
David Cameron Has Published a New Book
The British Prime Minister, David Cameron, has today published a new book to help people understand his many U-turns. It is called a Contradictionary.
Man Thrown Out Of Milton Keynes Islamic Fashion Shop
A man was forced to leave an Islamic fashion shop, Mosque Bros, in Milton Keynes today, after he tried to buy a bomber jacket.
The US will Introduce Fish as Currency
Beginning next fall, the US Treasury Department will begin using mackerel as currency.
The Statue of Liberty will Party Like it's 1999
The Statue of Liberty is upset as news spreads that the bust of Winston Churchill will not be at her party.
Rumsfeld 'pissed' at derisory auction bid for Saddam's buttock
"We were after his sorry ass for years and it cost us billions" he said.
Death Penalty Horror
Money saving measures being considered by the Government have been dropped as plans to electrocute long term prisoners would be higher than keeping them in prison.
So Farewell, Steve Jobs
Erm ... I never owned or worked on anything by Apple. Sorry. I have friends who do, though.
So Farewell, Bert Jansch.
I have a guitar. Two actually. Bet you had more - and I bet you could play them a damn site better than me, too. Well, that's a no-brainer, really.
Washington DC Pre-School to perform Full Pat Downs on Students.
Bombs? Weapons? Sarah Palin dolls? No! Poopies!
Medium rare
Medium Derek Acora killed himself today in an attempt to prove that ghosts are real. "I'll come back and haunt you sceptical bastards," he said before shooting himself.
His ghost has not been seen.
Elvis Helps Occupy Wallstreet Movement from the Grave
Elvis Presley's ghost has joined a march for OWS in his beloved Memphis. The King made his appearance official by putting on an impromptu concert. He even bought donuts for the entire crowd.
Cameron wants women ad
David Cameron would like to meet a woman who will hold his hand and smile when asked. Cat lovers not welcome
Famous Last Words
"They'll never find us down here." - Gaddafi.
The 1% Demand Refund
The 1% are demanding a 100% refund from the government. They claim that they are not getting their money's worth from the politicians they purchased.
Like daughter like father: toss-up as to whose mugshot is uglier
As if our prisons had room to spare, yet another Lohan is taking horribly ugly mugshots and sucking up prison resources. Michael Lohan, 51, said, "Ugly or not, I'm back in the news."
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie Had A Darn Good Reason For Saying "No Thanks"
Governor Chris Christie confided to a close friend that he really did not want to get into the GOP presidential race because it would have greatly cut into his eating time.
The Black People Have Spoken Out On Herman Cain
A poll asked 1,000 black voters what they thought about Herman Cain, the only black in the GOP presidential race. A total of 991 said that Cain is not black and that he just has one hell of a tan.
Perry's campaign manager Johnson to hold smoking gun in TV ad
Not to be one-upped by Herman Cain, a Rick Perry TV spot will feature campaign manager Rob Johnson shooting, then holding a smoking gun. The tag line is expected to be: "Guns don't kill, bullets do."
Swede wins Nobel Literature Prize
A Swede has won the 2012 Nobel Literature Prize. It is thought this is the first time a vegetable has won the prize since Barry the Parsnip in 1957.
New England Patriots actually not angry with Gronkowski over photos with porn star
TE Rob Gronkowski is taking heat after photos of BiBi Jones wearing his jersey appeared on the porn star's Twitter account. Said head coach Bill Belichick, "We're not angry, we're just effin jealous."
St Paul's Anti-Capitalist Protestors Justify Demands
'We only came to visit the cathedral,' explained one protestor, 'but they demanded £14.50 each to get in. That makes bankers look like Mother Theresa. We're staying until they charge visitors fairly.'
Marshall Islands create huge shark sanctuary, surfers are welcome!
The Marshall Islands have created the world's largest shark sanctuary and have told surfers; they are very welcome too!
Scientists prove that alcohol get's you pissed!
A new scientific survey has confirmed the fact; drinking alcohol get's you pissed!
Herman Cain Knows How To Lure Some Voters
Herman Cain, who used to be the CEO of Godfather's Pizza, has said that if he is elected president he will provide free pizza to every member of the White House Secret Service.
Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann Are Kinda Like Sisters (Sorta)
What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann? Sarah Palin smells like gun powder.
The Most Lickable Stamps In The History of The U.S. Post Office
The U.S. Post Office in order to stimulate sagging postage stamp sales will issue new postage stamps featuring nude pictures of Kim Kardashian, Shakira, Scarlett Johansson, and Beyonce.
Ron Paul Lets Mitt Romney Have It Below The Belt
Ron Paul fired off a shot at Mitt "The Mormon Master" Romney by saying that he has taken more positions than a Las Vegas prostitute.
Amanda Knox returns to Italy
Amanda Knox has escaped the media jungle in the States to return to a life of peace and quiet it Italy. 'I did it' she said hopefully on arrival in Rome.
Minnesota and Alaska - Two Cold States
Michele Bachmann who lives in Minnesota, a state whose winters are much like Alaska's, says now that Sarah "Snow Plow" Palin has decided not to run she fully expects to get all of the Eskimo vote.
Monster Raving Loony Party not standing against BNP
"We were going to stand against the BNP," said Loony Party leader Lord Haha, "but all their policies made ours sound sane."
Nick Griffiths arrested for vandalism
Nick Griffiths was arrested outside the BNP's London HQ today when he was caught painting over the black bits in the zebra crossing.
Herman Cain Knows All About Round Food
David Gregory, the host of NBCs Meet The Press will interview Herman Cain and ask him about the Civil Rights Movement and why pepperoni pizzas have become so popular in just the past two years.
Rick Perry - The Straight Shootin' Honest-To-Goodness "Real" Hunter
Chris Wallace of Fox News Sunday says that he plans on interviewing Rick Perry who recently remarked that Sarah Palin is about as much a hunter as Betty White is a lap dancer.
Newt Gingrich Loves Answering Michele Bachmann's Questions
Michele Bachmann asked Newt Gingrich if he thought her new short hairdo made her look younger. He grinned and replied, "Yes it does make you look younger, and a hell of a lot dumber as well."
Ron Paul Might Just Be Too Old To Be President
Ron Paul, the oldest GOP candidate, was asked what he would do about the illegal alien problem. He said that first he would destroy their space ships and second he would destroy their space ships.
Whoopi Goldberg Knows How To Whoop It Up
Whoopi Goldberg says that Mitt Romney has all the charisma and personality of a department store mannequin.
President Obama Gets Back At Hank Williams Jr.
President Obama has hit back at Hank Williams Jr., for having called him Hitler. Today the president said that Hank Jr., looks like Boy George except with a cowboy hat, a beard, and whiskey breath.
President Obama's Stolen Teleprompter "She" Has Been Found
President Obama's stolen teleprompter has been located. It was found in a fake piñata shop in Mexicali, Mexico, where it was being used to teach conversational English to soon-to-be illegal aliens.
Jon Huntsman Hates Being The Unknown GOPer
GOP low-profile candidate Jon Huntsman angrily told CNN that if 873 more people ask him who he is, he is dropping out of the GOP presidential race.
Ron Paul Admits Sarah Palin is Missing Puzzle Piece
It was hard for Ron Paul to believe how all this time no one on the debate stage ever mentioned anything about Sarah Palin. He says, "Perry and Romney would not have thrown punches at each other.
Sarah Palin Not Running
Sarah Palin is not running for president in 2012, as she just doesn't have the Cojones for it!
Historical calendars
Historian, Oliver Gargh, has finally answered the age old question of what year they put on calendars in the BC era. "They used a different dating system," he said, pushing the problem further back.
Herman Cain Seems To Have Forgotten One Very Important Thing
Reverend Al Sharpton recently said that Herman Cain seems to have forgotten that he's a black man as evidenced by the fact that he agreed to be the guest speaker at a KKK rally in Mississippi.
The Women of Wisconsin Have Been Warned
Physicians in Wisconsin are warning women about the hazards of the new Do-It-Yourself Liposuction Trend after a 317 pound woman in Sheboygan accidentally lipo sucked out one of her ovaries.
Mathematics Awards
The award for the best all round angle for 2011 goes to 360 degrees! Congratulations.
Plans scrapped for Christie-themed parade balloon
TRENTON, Nj--Plans have been put on hold to create a life-size Thanksgiving parade balloon of New Jersey governor Christie. Feedback from child-centered test groups include "Too big" and "Too scary."
Michele Bachmann Talks About GOP Legs
Michele Bachmann says that since Sarah Palin has decided not to run that she now has the prettiest legs of all the GOP candidates with the one possible exception of Rick "Sidesaddle" Santorum.
Rick Santorum Has Finally Cleared It Up
Rick Santorum was asked why he dislikes gays so much. He responded by saying, "Because they talk funny, they walk funny, and they wear too much lavender colored clothes."
Newt Gingrich Is Not Welcome In The Hood
Newt Gingrich's Whiter Than White Bus Tour accidentally pulled into Harlem. The bus driver drove away immediately and later noticed that three of the bus tires were missing along with the tailpipe.
China's Finance Minister, Xie Xuren, Agrees To Provide Cash For Greece
'He was remarkably willing to pay for Greece,' confirmed Klaus Regling, head of the eurozone's bailout fund. Through interpreters, Mr Xuren later revealed that he'd always fancied Olivia Newton-John.
Herman Cain Kinda Felt Like He Was At A Ron Paul Rally
After Herman Cain was heckled by Ron Paul supporters in Alabama he turned to his campaign Chief of Staff Mark "Smokey" Block and asked, "Say brutha, are you sure you advertised this thing right?"
Gaddafi Claims He's Not Dead
Bonkers dictator Colonel Gaddafi denies reports that he is dead. Rumours that he has been spotted with Osama Bin Laden are yet to be confirmed
Bristol Palin Joins Occupy Wall St. to Piss Mom Off
After Sarah Palin refused to watch Bristol's kid since she had plans to watch the wolves race each other that night, Bristol Palin swore she would join Occupy St. and denounce the Tea Party.
Colonel Gaddafi's Last Words 'Don't Make Sense' Say Witnesses
Libyan leader calls for Frankie Cocozza to win X-Factor.
Michele Bachmann Says That Herman Cain Is Not Playing Fair
Michele Bachmann says she is furious as she has just heard a rumor that the Herman Cain campaign lured away her New Hampshire political campaign staff with the promise of 'Free Pizzas.'
200 people gather in Nottingham's Old Market Square
About 200 people gathered in the Old Market Square on Saturday to protest against cuts to disability benefits and services.
One of them had a job, and was grilled by the others as to how!
NATO to go back to Libya?
Libyan rebels, fighting against their newly-installed government, have asked NATO for help. Their leader, Mr Faggadi, who wore shades and a hat, said, "With outside help we can take back our country."
Jon Huntsman The Non-Smoker Speaks Out About Smoking
Jon Huntsman pointed out that he has never smoked. He said that while in college he did pop Fred Flintstone Multi-Vitamins like the suckers were M&Ms but that was the extent of his addiction.
Snoop Doggie Dog patents Mary Jane
After years of just smoking his baby, Snoop Doggy Dog filed an application to the United States Trademark Office for a patent on sweet Mary Jane. Snoop Doggie Dog could not be reached for comment.
If You can't tell who the zombie in the room is...
it's probably you.
To Tan Or Not To Tan
California has just banned the use of tanning beds for anyone under the age of 18. Reports are that there are a lot of very unhappy six and seven-year-olds in Beverly Hills.
Michele Bachmann And Herman Cain Chickened Out Of The Question
Michele Bachmann and Herman Cain refused to answer if they believe that Mormon Mitt Romney is a Christian or not. Cain did admit that Bachmann is a female and Bachmann did admit that Cain is black.
Perry promises 2.5 million non-paying jobs if elected
Rick Perry said he will create 2.5 million non-paying jobs, if elected. "I think just having a job is better than getting paid." Perry announced to his wife this morning.
Rick Santorum Keeps Insisting That He Is Not At All Gay
Rick Santorum has stated that he is tired of people thinking that he is gay. He remarked that he personally knows lots of males who wear lavender colored Spider Man boxer shorts.
Ron Paul Sure Got Their Attention Up In San Fransissyco
Ron Paul sure came out swinging against Michele Bachmann. He spoke at an interior designers meeting and said that she dislikes gays and lesbians so much that she wants to ban the color pink.
Michele Bachmann Has It Down To A Science (Sort of)
Michele Bachmann was asked what two things she hates more than anything else in the entire world. She said that number one is Barack Obama, number two is her period, and number three is Barack Obama.
Michele Bachmann Has Seen The "White" Signs
Michele Bachmann, a strong believer in 'signs,' says that being from the snow state of Minnesota the recent early snowstorms are signs that she will be the GOP presidential candidate for 2012.
Jon Huntsman Is Starting To Work The People
Jon Huntsman, who is desperate to get the votes of the 99 percent group, is encouraging the Occupy Wall Street movement to branch out into an Occupy Madison Avenue movement.
The Dog's Handler Noticed The Dog's Bow-Wow Was Sounding Too Mellow
It's sad to report but Rover Boy, the DEA's top drug sniffing dog has entered into a drug rehab clinic. Rover Boy's handler said he caught the pooch hiding crack cocaine underneath his doggy dish.
Mitt Romney Knows Newt Gingrich Pretty Darn Good
Mitt Romney has stated that a very good reason why Newt Gingrich would not make a good president is because he is just much too busy partying all the time.
Joe Biden Sure Does Know His Animals
Vice-President Joe Biden was asked what he thought about Michele Bachmann. He paused for a moment, took a bite from his hamburger, and said that he's seen prettier hair on a Yak.
Reverend Al Sharpton Has His Doubts
Reverend Al Sharpton was asked about GOP black candidate Herman Cain. He shook his head and said, "Well, lemmy say dis - da boy he ain't no black brutha. He gotta be a real dark Egyptian or sumtin."
The Follow Up On Glenn "The Crying Fool" Beck
Glenn Beck was asked if he still cries a lot. He grinned and replied "Only when I talk."
Kathy "The Red Vicious Cougar" Tells It Like She Sees It
Kathy Griffin says she's kinda sad that Sarah Palin has decided not to run but she doesn't blame her because that one night of (BLANKING) certainly would have cost her the basketball wives vote.
Ozzy Osbourne Has Never Been One To Mince His Words
Ozzy Osbourne was asked what he thought about Ron Paul making fun of the way he talks. Ozzy shook his head and remarked "Ahhhh wellllll IIIIIII Uuuuummm Shhhharonnnn!"
Gazza saved from drowning
Gazza's doctor's say his liver is like a rubber brick after years of abuse. "It was a good job really," said one doctor, "when he fell into a pool, he was rescued by a kid in pyjamas."
Rick Perry Says That The Haters Just Gotta Stop Bitchin'
Rick Perry says he cannot understand what all the commotion about the former name of his ranch is. He reportedly remarked, "I mean my goodness, it's a ranch people, it's not like it's a high school."
The Entire Group Is Actually The Butt of The Joke
Kim Kardashian has just started a unique group whose one common feature is that the members have all had their butts X-rayed. So far members include J.Lo, Nicki Minaj, Chaz Bono, and Nancy Pelosi.
Rick Perry Cannot Stand People Who Do Not Believe
Rick Perry was recently asked if he was elected president what would be the first thing that he would do. Perry grinned from ear-to-ear and replied, "I'd execute that atheist sumbitch Bill Maher."
Beverly Hills Is Looking Out For The Elderly
The city of Beverly Hills has just announced that they have passed a bill that allows its senior citizens to receive a 10 percent senior citizens discount when purchasing a Rolls Royce.
Michele Bachmann Says She Can Feel What Herman Cain Feels
Michele Bachmann told a crowd in Beverly Hills that she can identify with the plight of black candidate Herman Cain because she has lots of friends who have black maids.
Michele Bachmann Wants The "Hate Mail" To Stop Now!
Michele Bachmann has just announced that she will no longer be reading any 'hate mail.' She asks that haters please stop it because she is just going to turn around and forward it to Jan Brewer.
Kobe Bryant Says He Can Play Other Sports (And Damn Good!)
Kobe Bryant of the Los Angeles Lakers says he is so frustrated at not being able to play due to the NBA lockout that he may ask Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to give him a tryout at quarterback.
Michele Bachmann Has An Answer For Everything
Michele Bachmann was asked why she is planning on campaigning in Tijuana, Mexico. She smiled and replied "To get the waiter vote silly."
The President Is The Nation's Number One Kidder
President Obama proved that he still has his sense of humor. He was recently asked why he smokes Marlboro cigarettes. He grinned and replied because pot is illegal.
Todd Palin Is One Very Disappointed Salmon Fisherman
Todd Palin confided to a close friend that he is really disappointed his wife is not running for president. Todd noted that he was really looking forward to the tons of free time he would have had.
The Pot Calling The Kettle Black
Herman Cain criticized Rick Perry for the name of his ranch while he was having breakfast at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant.
The President Speaks Out On Sarah Palin's Decison Not To Run
President Obama was asked to comment on Sarah Palin's decision not to run for president. He smiled, shook his head, and replied, "Well, I really and truly feel sorry for Alaska's moose population."
Ron Paul Tells It Like It Smells
Ron Paul was asked to comment on Sarah Palin's decision not to run for the presidency of the United States. He grinned and said he is thrilled because frankly he cannot stand the smell of gunpowder.
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