Turkey's Great Leap Forward
Several Turkeys have leapt forward in an effort to get to Christmas before anyone else so they can remain alive.
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written by
j.w., 29 May 2011
In Milton Keynes Today…
A tree-hugger has been suspected of spreading Dutch Elm disease in the area. Drendrologists are saying that this is UNBELEAFABLE and are demanding that the Special Branch investigate further.
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New Test for Berlusconi
The Italian Prime Minister has been set a new Test - to get the vote of twenty Italian girls between 16 and 18 hours.
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written by
j.w., 29 May 2011
Euroseptics on the March
A march of Euroseptics began to smell so bad the Police abandoned their posts and had to be taken to hospital.
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written by
j.w., 29 May 2011
Sarah Palin Is Making A List And Checking It Twice
Sarah Palin is keeping a list of some of the more important memorable political statements she has made during the past two years. So far she has just about filled up the very first index card.
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Kirstie "Cartwheel" Alley Is One Brave 60-Year-Old Gal!
Kirstie Alley did a cartwheel during her last performance on Dancing With The Stars which showed America that a 60-year-old woman can not only do a cartwheel but look silly as hell doing it.
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George Bush Is One Happy Camper Regarding Harold Camping's Lie
President George "Dubya" Bush called up the Apocalypse Man himself Harold Camping and thanked him for his fantastic lie because now people will forget all about his fantastic lie regarding the WMDs.
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Rudy Giuliani Is Thinking About Running For President For The 17th Time
With all of the problems he has had in the past, Rudy Giuliani announcing that he wants to run for president is kind of like Charlie Sheen saying he is going to become a gynecologist.
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'Time Travel Can Seriously Damage The Brain' warn scientists
BBC Compliance Dept to rename Dr Who vehicle 'The Retardis'.
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written by
pinxit, 29 May 2011
Indignant F1 Stewards accuse Lewis Hamilton of 'Playing the Race Car'
Exclusive by Monty Carlo.
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written by
pinxit, 29 May 2011
Whirling Dervish Thrown Out Of Exeter Library
Those old finger nail cuttings gathered up off the bedroom floor are a great alternative to chopped nuts on a trifle. And don't forget that adding urine makes home-made lemonade last that bit longer.
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Fish Paste Is The New Sodomy
Though I did read somewhere that they had to take down the hammocks each morning, because they slept on the gun decks. That must have been jolly noisy.
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Wombat's Nest Discovered In Chancellor's Briefcase
It took me three hours to put up my hammock today. However did they manage in Nelson's Navy? I should imagine that the hammocks were ready-erected. How else did we win at Trafalgar?
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Pope Explodes In Hip Bath
Libran fish-gutters ought not to look askance at a pair of second-hand braces. It is high time that Rastafarian Geminis managed to rid themselves of that morbid fear of ceilings.
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Pearly Queen Allergic To Oysters
Have a slice of SIR ROBERT WALPOLE, 1ST EARL OF ORFORD. Hurry, get it before it goes cold. It's not as nice cold, though some do have it with a nice salad.
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Sailor Obsessed By Condemned Lighthouse
A transparent hartebeest sculpture erected in Hyde Park did not fool London gobshite Eric Numpty. "I saw through it right away", he claimed, yesterday.
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Nubile Russian Brides For You!
I'll sell the SIDEBOARD for ninepence if the CARDBOARD ADMIRAL will avert his GLASS EYE while we get QUEEN MARY into this CHINESE WHEELBARROW
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United Lose At Wembley!
Bar billiards is best avoided by Piscean Crab Fishermen. An Alfred Hitchcock blancmange is figured for honeymooning Capricorn Pawnbrokers.
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Polymorphous Is In
"My imaginary gnu takes hardly any looking after", says Wiltshire Egg Sizer Ronald Fish. "Most of the time you wouldn't know he was there!"
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Blue Is The New Black
It's all in the mind, you know.
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FIFA In Merger Talks With The Mafia
'It seems a natural partnership,' explained FIFA president, Sepp Blatter, to reporters. 'as both organisations share common principles and a common value base.'
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William Vague on Desires
William Vague, 1st Secretary of State for the Coalition Government, is to support the EU declaration of Gay Rights. His fellow hotel dwelling personal assistants Julian and Gaylord agree.
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Manchester beats Barcelona to European Crown
...but not in the football. Manchester's knife-wielding scallies have beaten Barcelona's ubiquitous pickpockets to make their city European's "Dangerous City of the Year 2011".
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Ham Off Menu
The Bed and Breakfast menu at the Fife Guest House has withdrawn Ham from the morning meal.
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written by
j.w., 29 May 2011
Cucumber War
Germany and Spain have launched a cucumber attack on Britain,striking UK residents down as targeted cucumbers hit them in the eye. Cabbages are being prepared for retaliation.
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written by
j.w., 29 May 2011
