Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 21 June 2011
90% of brothels close in first year
Owners say it's due to mounting costs
Trees
Not moving for 40 years, and then jumping out in front of women drivers
Official Wimbledon Water named
Contrary to advertising, it's not Evian, it's rain
New Zealand fear immigrant invasion of Emperor Penguins!
An Antartic Emperor Penguin has swum to New Zealand and applied for asylum. NZ customs have been put on red alert because they fear an invasion of Penguins searching for a better life, any analogies?
Wikileaks release secret Papal document
Wikileaks have today released a secret document which describes the Pope's "jelqing schedule". Confused journalists are advised "if you don't know what it is, you don't want to".
Amy Winehouse Pissed
Too much Russian vodka ended Amy's trip to Russia in an enormous piss up in Moscow.
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Scotland Approved
MP's have approved of Scotland and think the future of the country is assured. Bonne Prince Charlie said today he would be pleased to be crowned in Glasgow.
50% off Tory plans
In U Turns that have traffic police moving in circles the Tories claim 50% of their plans are being released early in an effort to cut expenditure.
Obama's Ego is Campaigning
President Obama: "There are days when I say one term is enough." American voters in the November 2012 presidential election may agree with Mr. Obama and make him a one-term president!
Take a Guess
A high school holds its graduation in a Church, TSA invasively pats down six year olds and the FBI gives itself expanded surveillance powers! Which one of these cases will the ACLU go to court over?
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
President Obama continues to be decisive. When asked if he wanted a side salad or fries with his hamburger, the president immediately said fries!
New FDA Sunscreen Regulations
New FDA sunscreen rules require that products offer a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or higher to prevent TSA airport full body scanners from injuring the private body parts of passengers!
Out of Touch
Midas had the golden touch. Republicans charge that President Obama has the EXLAX touch, such that anything the president touches turns brown!
Interesting Approach
A plastic bag manufacturer indicated that environmentalists, who want to ban the bags, should put them on as condoms so they can be easily identified!
Whose Side is the USDOJ On
US Attorney General Eric Holder is practicing his own form of gun control. The DOJ may have approved the ATF selling weapons to Mexican criminals that killed a US Border Patrol agent!
The King's New Clothes
A bipartisan Congressional group has filed a lawsuit against King Obama I over US military involvement in Libya, alleging the White House overstepped its constitutional authority.
Smacks of King George III
King Obama I says he has the legal authority to continue American participation in the NATO-led air war in Libya, even though Congress has not authorized it. Obama missed Constitutional Law 101!
With Respect to Libya
White House Press Secretary Carney: "I think that we have been acting consistent with the war powers resolution. We will continue the mission." Congress: you're not getting any more money, sonny!
History Revisited
In April 1863, General U S Grant crossed the Mississippi River using Admiral David Porter's naval ships. If the EPA had existed, the environmental impact statement hearings would still be occurring!
EPA to Regulate Everything
EPA to regulate everything because of superficial effects on a small number of laboratory rats exposed to large amounts of anything for long periods. Ensures huge taxpayer funding and job security!
Less Regulation
FDA to give lists of pharmaceutical Co's newly approved drugs to trial lawyers. This is part of the Obama administration's efforts to eliminate red tape and speed up frivolous class action lawsuits!
Ain't Life a Bitch?
Rabid environmentalists upset at the discovery that solar panels employ plastic parts. Correlations studies indicate the number of psychiatrist visits have dramatically increased for this group!
Massachusetts Mindless Middle School Educators Who Can't Read
Seventh graders were given a sex survey (without parental notification). The school administered the survey to fulfill a grant requirement, having no input to content. "We were just following orders!"
Missed the Warning Labels
A multi-million dollar government program provides fresh vegetables to people to improve their health. Many of the recipients have a smoking habit that is twice the normal rate!
Paint Manufacturers Overjoyed
Code Pink is changing its name to Code Green and will go from being an anti-war group to a go-green group. The new organization plans to paint every house in your town green!
It's the Summer of 2011
President Obama promised to end the current US recession by the summer of 2010, just prior to the Congressional elections. Boy that was one hell of a bump in the road!
Picketers at the Mayors Conference
Congress bringing the troops home would cut military spending and allow funding of needed social programs (wealth redistribution) in Baltimore MD and across the USA. What $15 trillion national debt?
A Transplant First
A Democratic liberal left Congressman has the first arse to mouth transplant. They are always talking through their arses anyway!
New Democratic Party Re-Election Line
Senator Obama: Elect me and I will change Washington DC and fix President GW Bush's economic/financial mess. President Obama: Reelect me as no president can fix the US's economic/financial mess!
California Passes Stopgap Budget
CA Dem. legislature passes a "same-old" state budget relying on optimistic revenue forecasts & other tricks. Perhaps when CA goes broke the US Congress will get the message about run-away spending?
California Governor Vetoes Stopgap Budget
CA Dem. Governor Brown Vetoes a "same-old" Dem. legislature passed state budget relying on optimistic revenue forecasts & other tricks. Kudos Governor Brown, there is intelligent life in CA after all!
Do Criminals Register Guns?
Gun control group defends thief in grocery store robbery. Group claims felon was law abiding, as the gun was legally registered in his name!
Here We Go Again
Rabid environmental group in blue state is providing abortions for pregnant does to keep deer populations in check. Rabid anti-abortion group wants to know if federal funding was employed!
Probability 101
Students, calculate the probability that NBC accidently edited the words "Under God" out of the Pledge of Allegiance to the US flag. You may use the left liberal skewed probability density function!
They're Still Out There
New safety study by tree huggers indicates paper cuts injure millions of Americans each year. The group calls for Congress to ban all form of paper products, except toilet paper!
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