There were 890 spoof news snippets published in July 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.

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Rating:

Essex Pub Puts Up a Dartboard!

'Disgusting' ; 'Have they no shame'; 'I'm not even sure it's legal anymore' ; 'Inform Health & Safety', have been just some of the more printable comments from the local community.

written by Tommy Twinkle, 30 July 2011
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Dali's Melted Watch is to go under the hammer!

The actual melted watch Salvador Dali worked from for his ink on paper masterpiece 'Soft Watch at Moment of First Explosion' c.1954 is being auctioned next month in Paris. I wonder if it still works!

written by Tommy Twinkle, 16 July 2011
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Rupert Murdoch statement.

Rupert Murdoch said he has been touched by the messages left on Amy Winehouse's answer phone.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 29 July 2011
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Murdoch makes statement

At a press conference he said; "I'll fix this mess by hook or by crook". Probably not the best choice of words but it's nice to Gerald Ratner's speech writer back in work.

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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Rupert Murdoch's Five Favorite Desserts

Alibi Pie
Half-Baked Excuses
Amnesia a la Mode
Cream-Filled Canards
And from Carvel... Fudgie the Truth

written by Michael Balton, 20 July 2011
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Hacking 'gag' lifted from royal lawyer?

Kinda pissed at them stealing all my best gags!

written by queen mudder, 21 July 2011
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Scientists Resign!

Four leading inventive Scientists have resigned thier posts after admitting; "Velcro, was a total rip off"

written by armfeetandtoe, 18 July 2011
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Cutbacks… Sort of

The RAF has revealed its largest aircraft, called the Voyager. It only has two jet engines in the hope of some fuel economy… I guess that is evidence of cutbacks?

written by IN SEINE, 17 July 2011
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The British Army Told Not to Shoot Taliban Mine Layers

Being good solders, they are shooting at the IEDs instead, in the hope of blowing up the mine layer too. That's killing 2 birds with one stone. With Defence cuts, ammunition is becoming expensive!

written by IN SEINE, 09 July 2011
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Cheryl Cole gives Ashley one last chance.

'If he gets his air rifle out again and shoot anyone it's over' she told reporters.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 13 July 2011
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Scientists Discover Cure for Insomniacs

… Get plenty of sleep!

written by IN SEINE, 16 July 2011
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Berkshire NHS Trust in Cost-Cutting Exercise

Berkshire NHS trust are advising people to visit friends/relatives in hospital by using Skype. This will be beneficial for anyone who has Halitosis

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2011
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Taliban Bomb Layers to Be Issued with High Visibility Jackets

Now they know that British soldiers are not allowed to shoot anyone caught planting bombs, the Taliban are to issue high visibility jackets to its personnel to make it clear that's what they're doing.

written by IN SEINE, 09 July 2011
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When God was asked......

When God was asked if HE and HEAVEN really existed, he answered,

written by Lady Godiva, 04 July 2011
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For sale. Office paper shredder

Only one week old but well used and in need of slight attention. Any reasonable offer considered. Call Rebekah Brooks, landline only please.

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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News Corporation share price plummets

An insider blamed the share price fall on a recent unexpected increase in mobile phone charges

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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Hacking investigators say thousands of numbers found

This figure was later revised when they realised they had picked up a copy of the yellow pages by mistake

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Should internet porn be restricted?

MP's to take part in mass debate

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Pete Doherty gets early release from jail

In other news: Colombia to announce boost in exports

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Reason Canadian's Women's 'soccer' team not doing well

No-one knows! Rumour has it that they all received a visit from 'their little friend' before the first game!

written by Lady Godiva, 02 July 2011
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Cutting down on Your Hospital Visits

Berkshire NHS trust advise visitors to see their friends/family in hospital via Skype. This is a great idea because it'll save visitors thousands of pounds in grapes, flowers and car parking charges.

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2011
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When Prince Charles was asked.....

When Prince Charles was asked if he regretted never being King of England...he replied....

"Hey, it's not over 'till the old lady croaks."

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When Dr. Phil was asked.....

When Dr. Phil McGraw was asked if he was still in love with his wife, he answered,

"Hey y'all...I've been doing this for over 30 years. This ain't my first rodeo y'all."

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When the Pope was asked....

When the Pope was asked if he was truly celebate he answered,

"Was OJ really guilty?"

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When Steven Hawkings was asked....

When Steven Hawkings was asked anything, he replied.................................................

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When Gordon Ramsay was asked....

When Gordon Ramsay was asked how he felt about his father-in-law being a "serial paterfamilias" he answered. "How the f**k do you think I f*****g well feel you f*****g moron. F**K OFF."

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, both of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough were asked....

When Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones were asked what their views were on Global Warming, they answered in unison,

"EH ?"

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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Schwarzenegger wife seeks divorce

Maria Shriver wants relationship terminated. She said, He won't be back. Arnie says, Is your name Sarah Connor?

written by Les Being, 04 July 2011
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About 7 Trillion Insects Meet Their Death of British Roads Every Year

A survey says that an estimated 7 trillion insects meet their death on British roads every year. However, there are no insects in the corridors of power in Whitehall - they're just parasites.

written by IN SEINE, 11 July 2011
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Traffic police named as UK's worst drivers

The report said; they crash more often than Windows Vista

written by Les Being, 05 July 2011
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Oh the shame of it!

The Prime Minister having to cut short a visit to Nigeria to make a statement to the House arising from allegations about corruption involving the British police.

written by Rebel Not Taken, 19 July 2011
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Archaeological dig in Liverpool uncovers early Roman chariot

Researchers say it's definitely from the local area as it was found standing on two stones with the wheels missing.

written by Les Being, 05 July 2011
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Rupert Murdoch Wins Euro Millions Lottery

In Seine News would like to report that Rupert Murdoch has won £161 million on the Euro millions lottery. However, you cannot be certain what is true in the news any more! It could be embarrassing.

written by IN SEINE, 13 July 2011
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Asda puzzled by theft of 300 trolleys from Basildon branch

In other news, Basildon man makes fortune selling 300 mobile BBQ's

written by Les Being, 06 July 2011
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Police investigation clears newspaper over hacking allegations

Rupert Murdoch says; "This was the expected outcome from what is quite possibly the best police force money can buy"

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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French erect tribute in honour of Princess Diana

Workers were seen placing the carefully crafted red and white plaque on a concrete post near the fatal crash site. It simply says; "Ralentis, tu vas trop vite!" which we think means England's Rose

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Latest Harry Potter book

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phone tap

written by Les Being, 08 July 2011
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Paparazzi upset

They say their reputation is being 'smeared'.

written by Lady Godiva, 04 July 2011
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Rebekah Brooks has withdrawn from a prize-giving event at Preston's Fulwood

According to the Head teachers voicemail

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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Dan Brown's latest mystery

Why do his books top the list of donations to charity shops?

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Katie Price to buy News of the World

Katie said; "People will soon forget about phone hacking when they see my tits on every page"

written by Les Being, 08 July 2011
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Angler Told Off By Wife

For having a carp in the bath.

written by Skoob1999, 17 July 2011
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So Farewell, Archduke Otto von Habsburg

Father of the European Parliament.

Wonder if he ever dreamed of being Holy Roman Emperor...

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 05 July 2011
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Manchester United Beat Barcelona!

It was only a friendly. D'oh!

written by Skoob1999, 31 July 2011
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Church to review same-sex relationships

Church leaders say; we don't mind as long as they can prove they are not gay or lesbians.

written by Les Being, 02 July 2011
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Prince Charles had ears 'pinned back'

After a recent operation to have his ears 'pinned back' Prince Charles had the operation reversed as Camilla said she liked to hold on to them during 'love-making.

written by Lady Godiva, 02 July 2011
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Blair Believed That Prince Charles Wanted to Screw Labour

It is alleged that former prime minister, Tony Blair believed that Prince Charles wanted to "screw" Labour. It is reputed that the Prince said: "you're doing a good job of that already, old boy!"

written by IN SEINE, 02 July 2011
Rating:

Andy Murray in too much of a hurry

Andy Murray lost his dream at Wimbledon when he was in too much of a hurry to win. He should have listened to his ancestors,'Murray Mints, Murray Mints. Too good to hurry mints.'

Andy-too fast!

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
Rating:

Lady Gaga meets Torontonian Lady Gay Gay

They fell in 'love' of some sort and married today. Go, go, Gaga and Gay Gay. Go galloping gaily, growing gorgeouster each day. Go gallantly not giving a crap!


written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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When OJ was asked....

When OJ was asked if he lied on 'the stand' he said,

"Who? Me? What do YOU think?"

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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Glenn Beck Is Slightly Annoyed

Glenn Beck has compared the Labour Party youth camp in Norway, with the Hitler youth because he was angry at not being invited to Bohemia Grove holiday camp.

written by IN SEINE, 27 July 2011
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When Carlos Tevez was asked......

When Tevez was asked how he felt about the Inter Milan 'swap' falling through he wept and answered, "I'm devestated. Their kit is much more colourful than Man. City's"

written by Lady Godiva, 03 July 2011
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Maria Shriver seeks bizarre divorce settlement

She wants his cloths, his boots, his sunglasses and motor cycle

written by Les Being, 04 July 2011
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Met police face pension crisis

Officers concerned after their pension top scheme was closed last Sunday

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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Rebecca Brooks Calls in Sick

Rebecca Brooks cannot work today because she has a hacking cough, her partner said.

written by IN SEINE, 12 July 2011
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Pauline Quirke sheds six and a half stone in six months

This is the largest amount of ugly fat to be lost since Lenny Henry divorced Dawn French

written by Les Being, 13 July 2011
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Murdoch's wife speaks of love for husband

Me love you long time Mr Lupert

written by Les Being, 20 July 2011
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Illicit Vodka Still Advertising For Staff

Non-smoker preferred.

written by Skoob1999, 14 July 2011
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Facebook adds in Skype video chat

In other news: A company that sells novelty masks say it has completely sold out of the one that makes a fat fifty year old look like a young schoolboy

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Liz Hurley sneaks naked into spoof writer's bedroom

What do you mean it's not true, don't spoil it

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Computer glitch wakes shuttle crew

Windows has been updated and will restart you computer in 5, 4, 3……………………

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Schwarzenegger to make Hollywood return

Schwarzenegger said; "I told you I'll be back"

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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British Inelegance latest victim of budget cuts

A spokesman for MI three and a half said; "That's not funny"

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Rising fuel price rocks Belfast

Belfast rioters forced to throw rocks instead of Molotov Cocktails due to sharp rise in petrol costs. Protesters say; "Gone are the days when petrol bombs were the cheapest option"

written by Les Being, 13 July 2011
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Are Astra satellites losing altitude?

Or to put it another way. Is the Sky falling in on Murdoch?

written by Les Being, 13 July 2011
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BBC newsman jailed for rape and murder

I'm sorry, that report should have read; BBC News, Man jailed for rape and murder……………….

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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BBC journalists stage one day strike

If that's true; who wrote the headline?

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Rebekah Brooks receives death threat

Six million suspects to be questioned by police

written by Les Being, 08 July 2011
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A week of lasts

Last Harry Potter, Last Space Shuttle, Last News of the World

written by Les Being, 08 July 2011
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Queen to unveil Bletchley tribute

She will be there at 24 52 14 485 658 225 431 7719 6632 8574

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Parliament Reveals Financial 'Plan B'

Much rolling of thumbs, rolling eyeballs and humming.

written by Skoob1999, 31 July 2011
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Sarah Palin voted number one…………….

In recent a poll called; "What American politician would you most like to see naked". You have to admit, she is hot.

written by Les Being, 08 July 2011
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Ryan Giggs breaks right leg

Giggsy broke his leg yesterday when he fell of the pedestal on which he had placed himself.

written by Lady Godiva, 02 July 2011
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Good news. IKEA to launch restaurant chain

Bad news. You have to assemble the food yourself. First customer said; "Some bits were missing"

written by Les Being, 02 July 2011
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Google to take charge of metropolitan police

Google say. Finding criminals will be made easier than ever.

written by Les Being, 02 July 2011
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When Mark Lowton was asked.....

When Mark Lowton was asked..."Your dog has no nose, how does he smell?" he answered, "Bloody awful!"

written by Lady Godiva, 02 July 2011
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High fat food, smoking and drinking are good for you

Says government pensions office

written by Les Being, 03 July 2011
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Oil spill hits Yellowstone River

Yogi Bear held for questioning

written by Les Being, 03 July 2011
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A Ministry of Defence Health Warning

"WARNING: Improvised Explosive Devices can kill. British soldiers cannot, if they catch you planting them!"

written by IN SEINE, 11 July 2011
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Finding the Higgs boson particle

It's only a time of matter

written by Les Being, 10 July 2011
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David Beckham spotted in Greggs the bakers

He said he got confused. He wanted to go and watch the Open Golf Championship in Sandwich

written by Les Being, 11 July 2011
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Law to Legalise Bisexuality Due Soon

… It could go either way!

written by IN SEINE, 05 July 2011
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Sun defends brown Sauce

Sorry that should of read; Sun defends source of Brown story

written by Les Being, 13 July 2011
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Kay Burley refuses to make on-air apology to MP

She's a woman, what do you expect?

written by Les Being, 13 July 2011
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Rebekah Brooks to be new voice of Tom Tom

Turn left here, and remembers, you never heard that from me. You get lost and I'll deny everything

written by Les Being, 06 July 2011
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Andy Murray to train with Met Police

He said he needs to improve his backhanders

written by Les Being, 14 July 2011
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David Gilmour's son charged with student fees protest violence

When asked how he felt Mr Gilmour said; "Uncomfortably numb"

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Mexico funds huge marijuana farm

I'm sorry, that headline should have read; Mexico finds huge marijuana farm

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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Golfer Told Off By Wife

Told not to wash his balls in the sink.

written by Skoob1999, 17 July 2011
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So Farewell, The US Manned Space Programme

Thanks for the memories.

(I finally got to the Kennedy Space Center last year. Terrific.)

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 21 July 2011
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UK experts find clue to pain of sunburn

No shit Sherlock. It's called Sun Burn. The clue is in the name

written by Les Being, 07 July 2011
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Mick McCarthy in Twitter attack

Wolves' manager Mick McCarthy has warned his players they will be banned and fined for spreading rumours on Twitter and tweeted that they are "numpties".

written by Rebel Not Taken, 26 July 2011
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New Dandelion and Murdock Soda.


'Seems like a good idea when you buy it, but leaves an unpleasant taste in your mouth'

written by churchmouse, 11 July 2011
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The Doctor Will See You Now

It has been reported that doctors will be able to see patients over the Internet within a year, however, that is providing that everyone can use a computer and can afford an Internet Service Provider.

written by IN SEINE, 07 July 2011
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Met chief under pressure for hiring NoW man

Chief says; "He lied of his application form. He told us he was the editor of Aryan Supremacy Weekly, not the News of The World"

written by Les Being, 15 July 2011
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If It's a Success…

If successful, virtual diagnosis will save the NHS billions of pounds. However, some gynaecologists would not be able to see their patients online for fear of being called perverts

written by IN SEINE, 07 July 2011
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Princess Diana phone hacked

"Last message" found in hacking papers. "I'll tell you what Dodi, if this bloke don't slow down soon we'll have an accide…..……………………

written by Les Being, 06 July 2011
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Bachman Does Iowa

Really, she did do Iowa, especially have trying to claim some lame connection between John Wayne "The Duke" and her home town, which apparently was the home of mass murderer John Wayne Gasey.

written by Jean Le Fete, 04 July 2011
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Paperbacks To Be Supplied With Operating Instructions

'Using Kindle and eBooks has left some readers unsure how to turn paper pages,' confirmed a publishing industry spokesman. 'In future, full instructions will appear on the cover of all paperbacks.'

written by Swan Morrison, 08 July 2011
Rating:

So Farewell, the Earl of Harewood.

Opera buff extraordinaire.

I lived down the road from your house for years - but I never went. Sorry.

Why did you insist on pronouncing it "Harwood?"

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 12 July 2011
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