Spoof news snippets from July 2011
There were 890 spoof news snippets published in July 2011. A selection of the best rated snippets is shown here. You can use the calendar on the right hand side to get all the news snippets from a day in this month.
Essex Pub Puts Up a Dartboard!
'Disgusting' ; 'Have they no shame'; 'I'm not even sure it's legal anymore' ; 'Inform Health & Safety', have been just some of the more printable comments from the local community.
Dali's Melted Watch is to go under the hammer!
The actual melted watch Salvador Dali worked from for his ink on paper masterpiece 'Soft Watch at Moment of First Explosion' c.1954 is being auctioned next month in Paris. I wonder if it still works!
Rupert Murdoch statement.
Rupert Murdoch said he has been touched by the messages left on Amy Winehouse's answer phone.
Murdoch makes statement
At a press conference he said; "I'll fix this mess by hook or by crook". Probably not the best choice of words but it's nice to Gerald Ratner's speech writer back in work.
Rupert Murdoch's Five Favorite Desserts
Amnesia a la Mode
And from Carvel... Fudgie the Truth
Hacking 'gag' lifted from royal lawyer?
Kinda pissed at them stealing all my best gags!
Four leading inventive Scientists have resigned thier posts after admitting; "Velcro, was a total rip off"
Cutbacks… Sort of
The RAF has revealed its largest aircraft, called the Voyager. It only has two jet engines in the hope of some fuel economy… I guess that is evidence of cutbacks?
The British Army Told Not to Shoot Taliban Mine Layers
Being good solders, they are shooting at the IEDs instead, in the hope of blowing up the mine layer too. That's killing 2 birds with one stone. With Defence cuts, ammunition is becoming expensive!
Cheryl Cole gives Ashley one last chance.
'If he gets his air rifle out again and shoot anyone it's over' she told reporters.
Scientists Discover Cure for Insomniacs
… Get plenty of sleep!
Berkshire NHS Trust in Cost-Cutting Exercise
Berkshire NHS trust are advising people to visit friends/relatives in hospital by using Skype. This will be beneficial for anyone who has Halitosis
Taliban Bomb Layers to Be Issued with High Visibility Jackets
Now they know that British soldiers are not allowed to shoot anyone caught planting bombs, the Taliban are to issue high visibility jackets to its personnel to make it clear that's what they're doing.
When God was asked......
When God was asked if HE and HEAVEN really existed, he answered,
For sale. Office paper shredder
Only one week old but well used and in need of slight attention. Any reasonable offer considered. Call Rebekah Brooks, landline only please.
News Corporation share price plummets
An insider blamed the share price fall on a recent unexpected increase in mobile phone charges
Hacking investigators say thousands of numbers found
This figure was later revised when they realised they had picked up a copy of the yellow pages by mistake
Should internet porn be restricted?
MP's to take part in mass debate
Pete Doherty gets early release from jail
In other news: Colombia to announce boost in exports
Reason Canadian's Women's 'soccer' team not doing well
No-one knows! Rumour has it that they all received a visit from 'their little friend' before the first game!
Cutting down on Your Hospital Visits
Berkshire NHS trust advise visitors to see their friends/family in hospital via Skype. This is a great idea because it'll save visitors thousands of pounds in grapes, flowers and car parking charges.
When Prince Charles was asked.....
When Prince Charles was asked if he regretted never being King of England...he replied....
"Hey, it's not over 'till the old lady croaks."
When Dr. Phil was asked.....
When Dr. Phil McGraw was asked if he was still in love with his wife, he answered,
"Hey y'all...I've been doing this for over 30 years. This ain't my first rodeo y'all."
When the Pope was asked....
When the Pope was asked if he was truly celebate he answered,
"Was OJ really guilty?"
When Steven Hawkings was asked....
When Steven Hawkings was asked anything, he replied.................................................
When Gordon Ramsay was asked....
When Gordon Ramsay was asked how he felt about his father-in-law being a "serial paterfamilias" he answered. "How the f**k do you think I f*****g well feel you f*****g moron. F**K OFF."
When Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, both of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough were asked....
When Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones were asked what their views were on Global Warming, they answered in unison,
Schwarzenegger wife seeks divorce
Maria Shriver wants relationship terminated. She said, He won't be back. Arnie says, Is your name Sarah Connor?
About 7 Trillion Insects Meet Their Death of British Roads Every Year
A survey says that an estimated 7 trillion insects meet their death on British roads every year. However, there are no insects in the corridors of power in Whitehall - they're just parasites.
Traffic police named as UK's worst drivers
The report said; they crash more often than Windows Vista
Oh the shame of it!
The Prime Minister having to cut short a visit to Nigeria to make a statement to the House arising from allegations about corruption involving the British police.
Archaeological dig in Liverpool uncovers early Roman chariot
Researchers say it's definitely from the local area as it was found standing on two stones with the wheels missing.
Rupert Murdoch Wins Euro Millions Lottery
In Seine News would like to report that Rupert Murdoch has won £161 million on the Euro millions lottery. However, you cannot be certain what is true in the news any more! It could be embarrassing.
Asda puzzled by theft of 300 trolleys from Basildon branch
In other news, Basildon man makes fortune selling 300 mobile BBQ's
Police investigation clears newspaper over hacking allegations
Rupert Murdoch says; "This was the expected outcome from what is quite possibly the best police force money can buy"
French erect tribute in honour of Princess Diana
Workers were seen placing the carefully crafted red and white plaque on a concrete post near the fatal crash site. It simply says; "Ralentis, tu vas trop vite!" which we think means England's Rose
Latest Harry Potter book
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phone tap
They say their reputation is being 'smeared'.
Rebekah Brooks has withdrawn from a prize-giving event at Preston's Fulwood
According to the Head teachers voicemail
Dan Brown's latest mystery
Why do his books top the list of donations to charity shops?
Katie Price to buy News of the World
Katie said; "People will soon forget about phone hacking when they see my tits on every page"
Angler Told Off By Wife
For having a carp in the bath.
So Farewell, Archduke Otto von Habsburg
Father of the European Parliament.
Wonder if he ever dreamed of being Holy Roman Emperor...
Manchester United Beat Barcelona!
It was only a friendly. D'oh!
Church to review same-sex relationships
Church leaders say; we don't mind as long as they can prove they are not gay or lesbians.
Prince Charles had ears 'pinned back'
After a recent operation to have his ears 'pinned back' Prince Charles had the operation reversed as Camilla said she liked to hold on to them during 'love-making.
Blair Believed That Prince Charles Wanted to Screw Labour
It is alleged that former prime minister, Tony Blair believed that Prince Charles wanted to "screw" Labour. It is reputed that the Prince said: "you're doing a good job of that already, old boy!"
Andy Murray in too much of a hurry
Andy Murray lost his dream at Wimbledon when he was in too much of a hurry to win. He should have listened to his ancestors,'Murray Mints, Murray Mints. Too good to hurry mints.'
Lady Gaga meets Torontonian Lady Gay Gay
They fell in 'love' of some sort and married today. Go, go, Gaga and Gay Gay. Go galloping gaily, growing gorgeouster each day. Go gallantly not giving a crap!
When OJ was asked....
When OJ was asked if he lied on 'the stand' he said,
"Who? Me? What do YOU think?"
Glenn Beck Is Slightly Annoyed
Glenn Beck has compared the Labour Party youth camp in Norway, with the Hitler youth because he was angry at not being invited to Bohemia Grove holiday camp.
When Carlos Tevez was asked......
When Tevez was asked how he felt about the Inter Milan 'swap' falling through he wept and answered, "I'm devestated. Their kit is much more colourful than Man. City's"
Maria Shriver seeks bizarre divorce settlement
She wants his cloths, his boots, his sunglasses and motor cycle
Met police face pension crisis
Officers concerned after their pension top scheme was closed last Sunday
Rebecca Brooks Calls in Sick
Rebecca Brooks cannot work today because she has a hacking cough, her partner said.
Pauline Quirke sheds six and a half stone in six months
This is the largest amount of ugly fat to be lost since Lenny Henry divorced Dawn French
Murdoch's wife speaks of love for husband
Me love you long time Mr Lupert
Illicit Vodka Still Advertising For Staff
Facebook adds in Skype video chat
In other news: A company that sells novelty masks say it has completely sold out of the one that makes a fat fifty year old look like a young schoolboy
Liz Hurley sneaks naked into spoof writer's bedroom
What do you mean it's not true, don't spoil it
Computer glitch wakes shuttle crew
Windows has been updated and will restart you computer in 5, 4, 3……………………
Schwarzenegger to make Hollywood return
Schwarzenegger said; "I told you I'll be back"
British Inelegance latest victim of budget cuts
A spokesman for MI three and a half said; "That's not funny"
Rising fuel price rocks Belfast
Belfast rioters forced to throw rocks instead of Molotov Cocktails due to sharp rise in petrol costs. Protesters say; "Gone are the days when petrol bombs were the cheapest option"
Are Astra satellites losing altitude?
Or to put it another way. Is the Sky falling in on Murdoch?
BBC newsman jailed for rape and murder
I'm sorry, that report should have read; BBC News, Man jailed for rape and murder……………….
BBC journalists stage one day strike
If that's true; who wrote the headline?
Rebekah Brooks receives death threat
Six million suspects to be questioned by police
A week of lasts
Last Harry Potter, Last Space Shuttle, Last News of the World
Queen to unveil Bletchley tribute
She will be there at 24 52 14 485 658 225 431 7719 6632 8574
Parliament Reveals Financial 'Plan B'
Much rolling of thumbs, rolling eyeballs and humming.
Sarah Palin voted number one…………….
In recent a poll called; "What American politician would you most like to see naked". You have to admit, she is hot.
Ryan Giggs breaks right leg
Giggsy broke his leg yesterday when he fell of the pedestal on which he had placed himself.
Good news. IKEA to launch restaurant chain
Bad news. You have to assemble the food yourself. First customer said; "Some bits were missing"
Google to take charge of metropolitan police
Google say. Finding criminals will be made easier than ever.
When Mark Lowton was asked.....
When Mark Lowton was asked..."Your dog has no nose, how does he smell?" he answered, "Bloody awful!"
High fat food, smoking and drinking are good for you
Says government pensions office
Oil spill hits Yellowstone River
Yogi Bear held for questioning
A Ministry of Defence Health Warning
"WARNING: Improvised Explosive Devices can kill. British soldiers cannot, if they catch you planting them!"
Finding the Higgs boson particle
It's only a time of matter
David Beckham spotted in Greggs the bakers
He said he got confused. He wanted to go and watch the Open Golf Championship in Sandwich
Law to Legalise Bisexuality Due Soon
… It could go either way!
Sun defends brown Sauce
Sorry that should of read; Sun defends source of Brown story
Kay Burley refuses to make on-air apology to MP
She's a woman, what do you expect?
Rebekah Brooks to be new voice of Tom Tom
Turn left here, and remembers, you never heard that from me. You get lost and I'll deny everything
Andy Murray to train with Met Police
He said he needs to improve his backhanders
David Gilmour's son charged with student fees protest violence
When asked how he felt Mr Gilmour said; "Uncomfortably numb"
Mexico funds huge marijuana farm
I'm sorry, that headline should have read; Mexico finds huge marijuana farm
Golfer Told Off By Wife
Told not to wash his balls in the sink.
So Farewell, The US Manned Space Programme
Thanks for the memories.
(I finally got to the Kennedy Space Center last year. Terrific.)
UK experts find clue to pain of sunburn
No shit Sherlock. It's called Sun Burn. The clue is in the name
Mick McCarthy in Twitter attack
Wolves' manager Mick McCarthy has warned his players they will be banned and fined for spreading rumours on Twitter and tweeted that they are "numpties".
New Dandelion and Murdock Soda.
'Seems like a good idea when you buy it, but leaves an unpleasant taste in your mouth'
The Doctor Will See You Now
It has been reported that doctors will be able to see patients over the Internet within a year, however, that is providing that everyone can use a computer and can afford an Internet Service Provider.
Met chief under pressure for hiring NoW man
Chief says; "He lied of his application form. He told us he was the editor of Aryan Supremacy Weekly, not the News of The World"
If It's a Success…
If successful, virtual diagnosis will save the NHS billions of pounds. However, some gynaecologists would not be able to see their patients online for fear of being called perverts
Princess Diana phone hacked
"Last message" found in hacking papers. "I'll tell you what Dodi, if this bloke don't slow down soon we'll have an accide…..……………………
Bachman Does Iowa
Really, she did do Iowa, especially have trying to claim some lame connection between John Wayne "The Duke" and her home town, which apparently was the home of mass murderer John Wayne Gasey.
Paperbacks To Be Supplied With Operating Instructions
'Using Kindle and eBooks has left some readers unsure how to turn paper pages,' confirmed a publishing industry spokesman. 'In future, full instructions will appear on the cover of all paperbacks.'
So Farewell, the Earl of Harewood.
Opera buff extraordinaire.
I lived down the road from your house for years - but I never went. Sorry.
Why did you insist on pronouncing it "Harwood?"
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