Spoof news snippets from Saturday 8 January 2011
Twitter Latest...
According to Twitter, 1000 turtledoves have committed suicide over Italy today. In comparison, three Afghans, thought to be Taleban insurgents, detonated their suicide bombs.
Oldest man in the world 111
Sorry, we got that wrong. He's ill.
Utah Tells NASCAR Bye-Bye
The state of Utah has just banned NASCAR racing in the state saying it only helps to encourage fast driving, cussing, and young women constantly flashing their tata's.
The Winner of Iran's 'Last Comic Standing' Is Very Lucky In Many Ways
Iranian stand up comedian Shamad Fasuli has won this year's edition of Iran's Last Comic Standing. Unlike its American counterpart where the losers go home the Iranian losers sadly disappear.
The Motion Picture Academy Announces: Se Habla Español
The Motion Picture Academy has stated that if the L.A. restaurants do not go down on their exorbitantly high prices the Academy Award Show will be moved down to Tijuana, Mexico.
The Popular Show 'Army Wives' Has Given Birth To A Bouncing Little Spin Off
The hit show Army Wives has given birth to a spin off show called Dancing With The Army Wives On Ice While Singing.
Jeff Foxworthy - The Good Old Red Neck Does Tell It Like It Is
Jeff Foxworthy has stated that there is really no point in taking his hit show Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? to Arizona.
China Re-invents The Wheel
Industry analysts ponder if know-how linked to Renault scandal.
Gore on WC Network.
Al Gore to play Herman in a new updated version of "The Munsters". So far everyone has rejected the part of Lillian Munster including Betty White.
Mime "Breaks" Silence
Old familiar mime in Paris finally breaks his silence after 40 years. Blames sweet potato pie for lunch.
Look What They Dug Up
Mayor Bloomberg announced this morning that police in Manhattan have raided an illegal gambling establishment secretly located for years behind a blacksmith shop. It had been buried under some snow.
Fewer Buying Personal Products
New Study: Fewer women impersonators than ever purchasing birth control pills, mini pads.
Giant Mouse on the loose!
A giant mouse was seen eating a cat food factory last night.
Police say the rodent is still on the loose and cats should be kept indoors.
Tanning Salon Says, "Read the Fine Print!"
Women Sue Over Secret Camera in Tanning Salon...after seeing themselves on TV ads, huge advertising posters.
Only Guaranteed Length
Man with the world's longest penis suing Nigerians. "The thing lost most of it's circumference", says unhappy pencil-dick.
Some Hothead
Incendiary Packages Sent to MD Gov. from Person Angry Over Electronic Road Signs! Also, brine on road before snowfall, Lack of more billboards with hot bikini-clad women.
Sencors Left on Moon Revealing
New data collected from sensors left on moon in 1971 show aliens plans to "Go after the animal kingdom first."
Who Wrote the Secret New Obama Novel?
Who Wrote the Secret New Obama Novel? So far, the only clue is that they spell nuclear as "nucklar".
Big Snake Disappers on Subway
Pet Snake Disappears On Boston Subway, Causing Delays...kidney, bowel malfunctions.
A Hole is Right
'WE'RE DIGGING OUT OF A HOLE' says President Obama. "A HOLES were the ones who got us in here", state new congressmen & congresswomen.
Symbolic StepsTaken
House takes symbolic step to repeal health law by each stomping on ObamaCare bill book one at a time.
To Most it's a Turnoff
Chemical signal in women's tears a turnoff for men. Same thing applies to men's semen.
Gates Headed For China
Gates heads to China, hopes for improved relations. "My great grandmother was Chinese and I hope to meet more of my kinfolk", he tells reporters.
Bill Burning in DC
House takes symbolic step to repeal health law with massive copies of ObamaCare Bill fires behind the White House lawn.
Point & Shoot
Camera makers slash prices on new point-and-shoots. Gun makers headed in the same direction.
PETA Blames Everybody & Everything on Earth
Birds, Bees, and a Shark: Buzz Week where there were more animal suicides than ever should tell us something.
Obama: Right on Schedule
Obama says economy moving in right direction...if you want to flush it down the toilet.
Still Resisting US
Iraqi cleric says followers still resisting US as well as everyone else in Iraq & Afghanistan.
Dating Tip For Guys #01
Dating Tip For Guys #01: If you ever come across a girl who tells you that she can lick both of her elbows, you may want to hold on to her, she definitely has the earmarks of a keeper.
Damn - The Sun Is Sure One Hot SOB!
The temperature of the hottest spot on the sun is 28,080,000 degrees F, or hot enough to reduce Heidi Montag to about three Dixie cups of plastic.
Live With Regis and Kelly Still Has A Nice Ring To It
Kelly Ripa threatens to quit Live With Regis and Kelly unless the name is changed to Live With Kelly and Regis. The producer tells her, "Okay, don't let the door hit you on your way out bitch."
Mama Why Is Grandma Hollering Like A Crazed Banshee?
Dupont is asking any customers who may have purchased the Laser 9X Thermometer to please return it before it burns the friggin hell out of your tongue or even worse your...
Why Doesn't Arizona Like The Show Good Morning America?
Arizona has banned the morning show Good Morning America. The shows executives are so mad they decide to change the shows name to Good Morning America And Eff You Arizona.
The Yum Yum Cannibals of Lower Zamgola Are A Hungry Bunch of Mofoin Heathens!
National Geographic wants to apologize to the viewers of the Discovery Channel for accidentally showing the Yum Yum cannibals of Lower Zamgola having a dinner of Danish tourists.
Salad Croutons Can Be A Bitch
The woman with the world's smallest waist had to be taken to the hospital when she accidentally swallowed a salad crouton.
Jon Stewart Because Everyone Knows That The "H" Is Silent
Jon Stewart of The Daily Show has disclosed that since everyone misspells his first name he is going to go ahead and add the missing letter "H." So Stewart's first name will now be spelled Hjon.
Come To Lovely Ethiopia But Bring Plenty of Eats
The Food Network has revealed that its Food Network affiliate in Ethiopia is shutting down because the country is running out of food faster than Wynonna Judd can scarf down a bucket of KFC Chicken.
Is It WalMart? Or Is It Memorex?
The CEO of WalMart says that he will be seeing to it that the company's name is corrected and the new WallMart signs replace the old misspelled ones.
Boehner Explains Name
New Speaker of the House, Boehner says he is not of Mexican descent. "It's pronounced 'bay-ner' not 'bean-ner'."
No Chupacabra
Biologists now confirm that a hairless animal shot by a man in Nelson County, Ky. nearly 3 weeks ago is not a chupacabra but a hairless raccoon. "Sure it is, now that you've shaved it", says finder.
Two-Headed Calf Can Eat Twice as Much
Two-headed calf eats with both mouths. "It's a good thing it also has two asses", says farmer.
Dog with no testicles sues owner
A Great Dane is sueing his owner after waking up and finding his testicles missing. The owner is counter sueing for damage to the garden lawn.
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