Spoof news snippets from Saturday 15 January 2011
Most New Year's Resolutions Already Broken
Study shows that over 75% of New Year's resolutions have already been broken, forgotten or now have an asterisk beside them!
OK, 12 Trillion! But Not That Last One!
President Obama tries to distance himself from this last trillion dollar debt!
Works in Reverse Also!
Archaeologist forgets and curses Egyptian mummy after catching finger in opening slot. Valuable mummy immediately turns to dust.
Boomers Want 'The Real Thing!'
Boomers raid Coca Cola headquarters, demanding a Real Coke made with sugar. "Pepsi has 'Throwback' with sugar, Dr. Pepper has sugar, what's up with you guys?"
It Looks Like Little Piper Palin Might Not Be A Chip Off The Old Bitch, I Mean Block
Piper Palin reportedly told her teacher that she is depressed because she is already nine-years-old and she has yet to shoot her first moose, elk, caribou, or reindeer.
Vermont's Maple Syrup Shortage Is Getting Downright Ugly
The state of Vermont has announced that due to the maple syrup shortage farmers are having to dump over 200,000 pancakes into the Walloonmsac River.
Return of the Old West
Modern day cattle wrestler steals contents of truck bed while driver sleeps in WalMart parking lot.
Nancy Pelosi Cannot Stand Sarah "Crosshairs" Palin
Nancy Pelosi says that she is going to introduce a bill into the Senate that will prohibit Sarah Palin from setting foot in any of the Lower 48 states.
The Woman Who Can Eat 70 Buffalo Wings In One Sitting
Kirstie Alley was shocked to find out that chocolate covered buffalo wings are not a member of one of the four basic food groups.
So Then Lavender Is The New Pink
The West Hollywood Flaming Gazette has just reported that the color lavender has just passed the color pink as the gayest color according to the nation's gay and lesbian population.
Atlanta Freezes Over
It was so cold in Atlanta last week that Bernie Madoff called it a "three-cellmate night!"
Rowling Explains Vital Importance of Next Book
Said J.K.Rowling of her next Potter book. "Well, the next book is important because the idiot I ripped off said his series would comprise only seven books. Now I know the whole thing really is mine."
Suffers Heart Attack During 'The View'
Austin, Texas man dies after long painful fight with mother in law over possession of TV remote.
Good Enough for Them!
Family cat accidentally left behind when family moves shows up at new address three months later with four other cats to all shit in their shoes.
Don King Hospitalized
Don King sues ceiling fan company for fan leaving him bloody and bald!
Should Always Read Small Print
Small print shows that everybody that Oprah gave a car to a few years ago has also volunteered to be killed and buried with her in Pyramid when she dies.
Extra Padding
The National Football League has ordered all players to grow big bushy hairdos before next season to help prevent concussions.
$14 Trillion Debt
Record $14 trillion-plus debt weighs on Congress. "I'm just thankful that it's on none of us", says Joe Citizen.
You'll Never Guess What The Two Carolina's (North and South) Are Fixing To Do
North Carolina and South Carolina are thinking about changing their state name to the more American sounding North Caroline and South Caroline. Singer Neil Diamond has given the idea his blessing.
Osama Bin Laden Is Well And Shopping In Karachi
Osama Bin Laden has reportedly been spotted at a Best Buy Electronics Shop in Karachi, Pakistan, purchasing some batteries for his video recorder.
"Viva Zapata" Apparently Is Not Going To Fly
The makers of Viva Paper Towels are having to scrap their Viva Zapata ad campaign due to a threatened lawsuit by the family of Mexico's notorious bandit Emiliano Zapata.
Look Out Mama Palin - Willow Wants To Be Just Like Bristol
Willow Palin says she is seriously thinking about following in her sister Bristol footsteps. She noted not by appearing on Dancing With The Stars but by having a baby without having a husband.
Vice President Joe Biden Is A Much Better Vice-President Than "Dickless" Dick Cheney Was
Vice President Joe Biden wants all of his friends and neighbors back in Delaware to know that contrary to those incessant rumors he is not in the Witness Protection Program.
Wikileaks Reports That Rush Limbaugh Clearly Beats Adam Lambert In One Area
Wikileaks documents clearly show that Rush Limbaugh knows more gay people than Adam Lambert does.
NBA Star Tony Parker Denies 'Sexting' A Very Well Know President's Wife
San Antonio Spurs basketball player Tony Parker who was born in France has denied 'sexting' France's first lady Carla Bruni Sarkozy.
The Reason Brett Favre Is So Mad That He Could Cry And Will
Brett Favre is apparently highly upset that Glenn Beck and John Boehner both stole his patented 'Crybaby' act.
Wow! Miley Cyrus and Bristol Palin May Appear In A Movie About Dancing
Miley Cyrus says she may star in a movie with Bristol Palin to be called The Adventures of The Lap Dancer and The Crap Dancer.
Where Oh Where Is Antonio Banderas?
In The Where Are They Now Department: Antonio Banderas has been spending a lot of time with his much older wife Melanie Griffith who is having a tremendous problem dealing with chin cellulite.
Astrologers Add New Sign To Stablize Zodiac Charts
You guessed it! The 13th sign is NARWHAL, not the sinister sounding O'fook-us.
President Obama Flees Tini USA
Sorry. Correction! That should read: President Ben Ali flees Tunisia.
Homeland Insecurity To Scrap Border Security Project
With economy going south, migration flow may reverse in future. "No need for the B.S. project. Let the Mexicans build the fence if they want to," says one observer.
Palin, Beck Rally To Defense of Osama Bin Laden
Insist that like them, his messages calling for violence are not responsible for terrorist acts.
Uner $250, Growls Get Louder
Man with dancing, growling bear making thousands by coming into night clubs and passing hat after they finish their big number.
How to Please Your Man
Cosmopolitan latest: How to Please Your Man while still watching your favorite soap opera.
Not John Paul II?
Big mix-up at the Vatican yesterday when Cardinal Albert Pujols was declared to be a saint.
Reagan Son Little Like Old Man!
Son suggests Reagan had Alzheimer's as president. "Of course that was only near the end of uhh...his mustache.
Obama's New Jobs
President Obama has helped some US citizens to have jobs by creating the role of Village Idiot by small towns across America. Most are former fellow politicians.
Girl denies posing as a man for sex
Mirror News: Girl denies posing as a man for sex.
This is difficult to imagine. Surely you'd think, "Funny, those don't feel like testicles my balls are slapping against."
"Easy, Easy Money. Checks for Free!"
'The land of easy money': How the Somali woman who lied to claim asylum and £250,000 in benefit handouts described Britain. "All you have to do is tell one lie after another."
US, China do not Trust Each Other
Clinton on China: 'Distrust lingers on both sides. You can trust me on that..if you're not Chinese.'
Still screaming on Plane
Tunisia: security stepped up after leader Ben Alleeeeeeeeeeee! flees.
Houston Homeless Hungry
Houston stops couple's outreach to homeless; Must have 'feeding' permit. Also, permit to die from starvation.
May Be Sour for Awhile
Rising Gasoline Prices Put Consumers in Sour Mood.! Food price jumps causing them to puke!
Envoys in Iran
Envoys to tour 238 key Iranian nuclear facilities, admit that they are getting there a little late.
Reagan Had Alzheimers
Son suggests Reagan had Alzheimer's as president. So what's Bush and Obama's excuse?
Of Reefs & Reefers
Puerto Rico aims to protect newly discovered reefs. Jamaica aims to protect newly rolled reefers.
T. Rex Ancestor Found
Early T. Rex ancestor, Z. Rex has been discovered in South America.
Can't See Them With Nose in the Air?
Obama: Time to tackle nation's challenges again. Translation: I'm going to put us twice as much in debt!
Guv Couldn't Even Help Himself
Schwarzenegger says governorship cost him $200 million. Popular opinion: "He couldn't even manage his own finances, no wonder the state is going belly-up."
Here He Comes
Obama readies new focus on education. Teachers, educators get ready for the same screw-up as the military, business, illegal immigration.
Me! ME! MEEEE!
President Obama has announced that he is divorcing Michelle and marrying his true love, himself.
Palin Gets Contact Lenses
Custom-made 'crosshair' lenses enable critical look at opponents and make apter fashion statement than glasses.
William Hague Memo - Error or not?
A memo written by Willie Hague with the following passage, misspelt or otherwise: '..as soon as I get my Daily Male today...' - has caused his beloved Ffion to investigate further!
Az. Suspect Beefcake, Fruitcake Pics
Official: Ariz. suspect posed in G-string with gun. Did twice as many head spins as Manson during his early days in lock-up.
Obama's Headrest
Obama's mother-in-law says President sleeps with Nobel Peace Prize under his pillow. Explains lop-sided head.
Fence to Drones to Fence
U.S. cancels $1bn 'virtual fence' on Mexico border; to use drones, mobile systems instead until 2014, when we will go back to virtual fence. We are Borg.
Man Made Rubber Shortage
Scientists prove that the earth is cooling. Rabid environmentalists purchase all the erasers in the world to change global warming to global cooling in their data and then predict a rubber shortage!
Déjà Vu All Over again
Illinois increased its spending rate by twice its increase in revenue rate over a decade. This strategy is akin to GM selling cars for less than their production costs!
Cars Designed by Bureaucrats
USDOT/EPA mandate automobile manufacturer's of 2014 cars to achieve high gasoline miles per gallon, low carbon dioxide emissions and high passenger safety (seven air bags). Pick any two!
Dream on Mr. President
President Obama calls for the Democratic far left to tone down their rhetoric. They agree to only use terms such as honey, sweetie and your mother wears army shoes when talking about Republicans!
A Harey Tale
Police raid home in Berlin Germany and find 80 rabbits and a lot of rabbit poop inside. Herr Harvey Schmitz a barber claims he was having a bad hare day!
Depends on Whose Ox is being Gored
Democratic liberal Senators from West Virginia find it easy to let the EPA interfere with other states industries. Then the EPA comes to WV to kill coal mining jobs and the Senators get upset!
Less Rhetoric but the Same old S**t
A kinder gentler Democratic far left is still going to try to tell Americans what to eat, read, speak, watch, drive, breathe & what should be banned. The American people say PSSSSSST (thank you Opus)!
Words Have Meaning
Elections have a very polarizing effect, exhibiting negative charges. Oops that should be electrons!
DUH, What Did He Say?
Democratic liberal far left Rep. Clyburn (D-SC) has said that enacting federal legislation has nothing to do with the US Constitution! He has also called for govt. censorship. Term limits anyone!
Legally Speaking
Same sex marriage advocates indicate that any law legalizing the practice could be a pain in the ass, especially later if same sex divorce is involved!
Who got the Government Bailout?
HAPPY HARRY: I overbought on my house then couldn't pay the underwater mortgage and maxed out my credit cards. LIVID LARRY: I paid my mortgage for 30 years and have little to no credit card debt!
Free Consultation
A leading psychiatrist has declared penis envy a disease. If you or a loved one has contracted this malady please call Dr. Wanker at 1-800-ONE-INCH for a free consultation about a cure!
No Ice Capped Mountains in Australia
Local environmentalist's blame Queensland Australia's flooding on melting ice in Martinis served at Sydney cocktail parties, during happy hour, as causing the severe rainfall!
Liberals Never Learn
Illinois raises corporate taxes, hoping to raise more revenue to avoid bankruptcy. The approach is counterproductive as businesses will lay off workers or move out of state, tax revenue will decrease!
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