Spoof news snippets from Sunday 6 February 2011
Reverend Al Sharpton Says Sarah Palin Is Severely Lacking In Geographical Smarts
Rev. Al Sharpton says one reason he never wants to see Sarah Palin as president of the USA is because of her lack of geographical knowledge she could end up bombing Iowa thinking it's Iran.
Paris Hilton Turns Down The Role of Her Life!
Paris Hilton has turned down the opportunity to play herself in The Story of Paris Hilton - The Spoiled Little Rich Bitch. She stated that she just doesn't feel she'd be convincing in the role.
Mike Tyson Vs. Naomi Campbell
Grambling University in order to raise money for scholarships is hoping to put on a celebrity wrestling match between Mike "The Lisper" Tyson and Naomi "The Employee Beater" Campbell.
Anderson Cooper Has Scratched Egypt Off His Vacation List
Anderson Cooper says that he is so traumatized after his altercation in Cairo, Egypt that he never wants to hear the words pyramid, camel, or Cleopatra again.
Two Good Reasons Why Demi Moore Has Agreed Not To Divorce Ashton Kutcher
Ashton "The Alley Cat" Kutcher says his wife Demi Moore agreed not to divorce him after he promised that he will never flirt with another woman nor ever mention her intimate cellulite again.
Mole Climbs Mountain
Experienced adventurer,Maurice Harpsichord,57 made history today when he and his pet mole Phil climbed Everest.He said 'We've slayed a mountain,me and my mole Phil.'
Obama and Palin To Marry
The world was dumfounded today as President Obama took Sarah Palin as his new bride. Pharoah said:
"This is a time for change. Now I am both Pharoah and President, I can do as i please. Yes i can."
Man Eats Lion In Role Reversal
Roles were reversed at a barbecue in Kenya when a man had some lion steak.
Schwarzenegger Proud
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he is proud of the job he did as governor of California and his performance will be judged by history. And robotic cyborgs from the future.
Sumo wrestlers too fat!
Fat Sumo wrestlers are becoming too fat because they are being over-loaded with corrupt dollars betting syndicates. Japan want suitable replacements and the US obese male population seem perfect!
Man Utd devoured by pack of hungry "Wolves"!
Being a multi-millioniare footy player means nothing if you enter a "Wolves" den with the attitude of a sacrificial lamb, United fitted that bill and were devoured, rightly so!
Mubarak resigns
President Hosni Mubarak, of Egypt, has agreed to stand down immediately from the top job, er, the Presidency. He says he wants to perform with Club Eros, a travelling sex act based in Amsterdam.
Sting feels the Prince's barb
His Royal Highness, Charles, Prince of Wales, has refused overtures to grant a knighthood to rock star Sting. "Absolutely no f...ing way, end of story" was the Prince's reply. Que sera sera, Gordon.
Johnny 'Wadd" Holmes' Penis Still Dead & Buried!
LA Corner refutes claim the member resides in a private collection maintained in a pickle jar in the UK by Entertainment Columnist Skoob1999 as a
'conversation piece' at the Oasis Bar & Grill.
Catholic Bishop Confused After Discussing Annulment with Chelsea Clinton!
Asked if she had ever had sex with her husband, Chelsea requested a definition of the word 'sex' in the non biblical sense, which caused the Gobsmacked priest to exclaim, "well, I'll be buggered!"
Brits Learn EU Human Rights Justices Have No Experience!
1 sold hot dogs, 1 had a shoe shine stand, 1 was a Wal Mart Greeter, 2 were block wardens at council housing, and 5 others had never been employed.
EU says choices support "minority justice."
Ho Hum. Anna Chapman Tweets: Don't Trust Obama!
Brits find out later he gave all their ballistic missile secrets to Russia during Party Meeting with Putin in exchange for two US spies to be released at a later date.
John Hinckley Gets Driver's License!
Reagan shooter now driving new black girl friend and former mental patient around downtown NYC during furloughs as he practices for audition for Spike Jones remake of "Drivin' Ms. Daisy."
Dave Cameron Not Happy With His Kids!
"...not to put too fine a point onnit,"he said," they're NIT-WITS and watch too much telly!" Treatment for head lice continues at NHS into next year.
The Ears Have it!
Jean Luc Picard reveals Prince Charles and Barry Obama share same inter galactic Ferenghis genes!
Donald Trump Launches Suit against Justin Bieber!
Claims Kid is not his 'hair apparent" and stole his copyrighted forward comb over!
Ed Miliband Does TV Commercial for Lip Balm Product!
Lizard Lips meets Chapstick!
Amen
Liberal Democrats build a white cathedral in Washington DC, to be known as the Progressive Church of Perpetual Spending. Pastor Obama has been hired!
Buy USA
Prisoner on death row files a lawsuit against a foreign made chemical being used in lethal injections. The last US supplier has discontinued the product! (You can't make this stuff up.)
Let's Hear it for Materialism
New group espouses living in a 400 sqft apartment, wearing second hand clothes, using no energy, not driving and eating only vegetables. Isn't this the definition of a third world country?
Absurd EPA Regulation
EPA proposes monitoring urine output of 300 million Americans each day to ensure harmful chemicals are not being flushed into rivers. Obtaining funding and needed personnel appears very difficult!
Nothing Said about Cutting Govt. Spending
President Obama says government and business are responsible for the USA's future. Many Americans desire to give the president and the Democrats "the business" during the 2012 elections!
An Obama Political Supporter
The American ambassador to Luxembourg, a non-career diplomat, has quit after one year filled with personality conflicts, verbal abuse and questionable expenditures on travel, wine and liquor.
Suicide Bomber Bowl
The Suicide Bomber Bowl will be televised from the middle of the Gobi Desert, where individuals will compete for scores between 1 and 10 just like figure skating. No sane human beings will be harmed!
Financial Damage
Computer hackers are suspected of having done financial damage to the NASDAQ Stock Market in the last year, but less damage than the Obama administration has done in the last two years!
More than Salmon is being Smoked
Democratic House Minority Leader Pelosi calls for a Salmon Czar. Just like three day old unrefrigerated salmon, this idea stinks!
Regime Change by Nudging
The Obama administration, members of the Egyptian military and the civilian leadership are pursuing plans to nudge President Hosni Mubarak from power. An example of nudges, nudging a nudge from power!
So Be It
Egyptians have always honored their mummies, been involved in pyramid schemes but deserve to participate in freely selecting their government leadership pharaohs!
Krispy Kreme Challenge in Raleigh NC
Charity Fund Raiser: Run for two miles, eat a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts & then run back along the same two miles. The food police prevented President Obama from participating, though he wanted to!
Different Year, Same Old Obama
Obama administration allows limited collective bargaining rights for TSA screeners, not on security issues. Remember that when a TSA screener is "touching your junk!" (Senate may reverse decision.)
No More Czars
Republicans promise that when they control both Houses of Congress and the presidency in 2013, the word Czar will never be used again by the US Government!