Spoof news snippets from Saturday 19 February 2011
Ted Williams
I demand an update...even if I didn't get his name right.
Where is he? How is he? Is that what is know by 15 mins. of fame? Then I demand MORE!
Egypt Revolt Spreads
Egypt revolt becomes global case study as zombies in Haiti demand more BRAINS!
Abusive Priest Abused
Pennsylvania priest defends self on radio in sex abuse case. Tarred and feathered by mob as soon as he leaves the building.
Paul McCartney Admits He's Quite Vain
Genius and all round nice guy and most popular Beatle still alive,Sir Paul('I'm older than 64 now')McCartney has finally admitted he is quite vain.
'I've still got all me own hair you know.'he said.
Bieber's Balls Drop
Pop Phenomenon Justin Bieber today won £10 when he got three numbers on the National Lottery.
'It all counts' said Bieber.
Scientists Building Largest Antimatter Trap Ever
Scientists say they are using a variation on the theory that it can trick it into believing that it matters.
US Vetoes Resolution
US vetoes UN resolution on Israeli settlements. Also, resolution to move all of Israel to Florida.
Unconstitutional to Force Enrollments
Feds ask Florida judge to clarify meaning of health care ruling. "I voted against it", he tells them.
Obama Backs Union Uproar!
However, the Tea Party say they support the Confederacy. Will they vote to succeed from the Union?
Real Name is Woodrick?
Indiana considers Marijuana Legalization. Isn't Woody Harrelson from Indiana or was that the character "Woody" on Cheers?
Then Who Will Pay?
Obama wants to charge Canadians for crossing the US border. Canadians reply:"Wait until dollar is devalued."
Trees Need Protection
Gritting icy roads 'kills thousands of trees each year by starving them of moisture'. Though protesters admit it saved a few dozen lives.
Ahmadinejad Denounces Obama
Ahmadinejad: Obama can't spell his own name. Uses other insults concerning "hole in the ground".
Mexican Exports Down
Income drops dramatically in Mexico when Charlie Sheen in rehab.
Elderly, Handicapped Not Able to Protest
REPORT: Average city teacher compensation tops $100,000. Average social security checks $8,000. Guess who got a raise the past two years?
States Ignored Warnings
States ignored warnings on unemployment insurance for thirty years, just like everything else. Ask for bailouts from broke federal government.
G-20 Confessions
G-20 reach compromise deal on imbalances. At least ten admit that they are imbalanced.
Troops to Pull Out of Wisconsin
Wisconsin Governor orders state troopers to bring Democrats to Capitol. "Use handcuffs and leg irons. Boy is this fun or what?"
Spud Protesters
Idaho offical target of threats over education reform plan, when to plant your potatoes.
Slip of the Tongue
Pa. judge guilty of racketeering in kickback case. Regrets calling it "That Kickback Case" to reporters last year.
Looks a Lot Like 32nd #2
Seventy-Second Al-Qaida No. 2 issues video after Egypt upheaval.
Meanwhile US Going Tits Up!
Obama promotes jobs by way of education, rebuilding of transit system. As usual, completely vague on details.
House'Passes Tough Bill
House passes sweeping domestic cuts, bloody turd on military weapons cuts.
Signs of the Times
School bus ads concern officials, especially the "Drink Coors Beer" on those in Denver.
Royal Bad Taste
UK royal wedding draws tasteless merchandise like Royal wedding night condoms, Lennon-Yoko nude pics with William & Kate's heads.
TV Reporter Speaks Out
TV reporter speaks about speech problem at Grammys. "Came right after interview with Bob Dylan."
Palin Expose
Aide planning tell-all about time with Palin. Move applauded by Democrats, 90% of Republicans.
Gays Gain Status
New Facebook status options applauded by gay users. No more "Jason is looking for a relationship". Now it's "Jason is looking for a big one."
Solar Flares Rougher in the North
Massive solar flares last week apparently destroyed 90% of Eskimo homes.
US Mulls Response To Hi-Jackings
Pirates hijack 4 Americans; US mulls responses, hot cider toddy.
Prez To Get Psychiatric Help on Mother-In-Law in His Own Home
Report: Congressman urged to get psychiatric help. House says that President Obama or whoever he really is, will be next.
Dust Bunny Law Passed By House
House passes sweeping cuts to domestic programs. Also, vacuuming will only be allowed once every two weeks or fines will follow.
House Passes Sweeping Cuts
House passes sweeping cuts to domestic programs. "Stay-at-home" moms no longer can call that a job. However, there are no stay-at-home moms so that one was wasted. Also the one on sweeping.
Speaking Two Languages #2
Speaking 2 languages may delay getting Alzheimer's. "Great", say teens. "That means we're going to be fine. LOL.
Speaking Two Languages
Latest: Speaking 2 languages may delay getting Alzheimer's. However, at least one has to be a real language.
More Protests
Protesters laid off from the Viagra and Levitra factories say they too are standing firm.
Must Be Some Cuts For US to Pay Bills
House passes sweeping cuts to domestic programs. "It's either that or declare bankruptcy", states one Representative.
Protesters Standing Firm
Bahrain, Libya, Yemen, Wisconsin pull back military; protesters stand firm.
Fresh Roadkill
A Hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute, and that doubles during sexual arousal which sadly causes it to explode! Next time you see one splattered on the road, you know it at least died happy.
Kids, Don't Try This At Home
Transport worker Laurie Driver paid the ultimate penalty when he tried to sneeze with his eyes open and his head blew off!
'It's very sad really,' said his wife.
Memory Like A Sieve
Poor Goldfish,not only do they get stuffed in a little bowlwith a terrible view,but they also only have a 3 second memory span...'We need a loaf...I'll have a cup of tea please.'
That's Tremendous
Only 4 words in the English language end in OUS.Horrendous,Stupendous,Hazardous and Tremendous.Isn't that Fabulous!
Fixed Odds SPL Fixtures
5/3/11
D'dee Utd v Ab'deen
Home Evens
Away 2/1
Match Off Betting closed
Tea Party To Counter-Attack
Idaho offical target of threats over education reform plan as Egypt and Bahrain come to America.
I Gotta Steal Mine!
Lindsay tells Entertainment Yipee that that airhead idiot Paris hilton gets all the publicity for doing nothing.
UK P.M. Adds Cat to Ministry.
UK PM David Cameron has defended a decision to bring a rescued tabby into the coalition ministry, saying "Hopefully, this will eliminate any rats in the ranks and separate the mice from the men".
Get this
When does two wrongs make a right? "Never" according to Brian Chupplestick of Stoke Road Wolverhampton. "Just not plausible in my view and I should know because I'm important." Bollocks, Brian.