Spoof news snippets from Friday 18 February 2011
Half price laser eye surgery offered.
Half-price laser eye surgery offered for people with a glass eye. Free to those with TWO glass eyes.
Half price laser eye surgery offered.
Half-price laser eye surgery offered. Ony one eye is operated upon.
Lapland theme park brothers WILL be safe in jail
Victor and Henry Mears need not fear being raped when they receive jail sentences....have you seen their faces?? They're enough to make any would be rapist - run the other way.
Battle in Congress, White House.
House blocks federal aid for Planned Parenthood. "We have to start cutting somewhere and it can't be OUR salaries", they state.
Riots Spread
Battle Lines Harden Across the Mideast and other places around the globe as Rulers Dig In! In Monaco, a crowd of seven were scattered by a call of "Free Drinks on the house!"
Watson The Computer Missing
Watson the computer has defeated the humans on Jeopardy. However, the crowd turned against him for sarcasm when a human gave the wrong answer and he fled a crowd carrying torches.
Huckleberry Hound Finds Nephew
Popular moustache wearer and all round funny man and nice guy Rufus Hound is the nephew of 70's Cartoon Favourite Huckleberry Hound.
Winter Wonderland Two Freed after Successful 'Disney' Defence
'It certainly was a Mickey Mouse operation' agreed Judge.
It's Time For A Change
Congressman Christopher Lee steps down to spend more time on Facebook.
Glen Beck/Nancy Pelosi
Glenn Beck finds link between Nancy Pelosi blaming everything on the Bush Administration and Flintstone Vitamins leaving out Betty.
We Are Like That
Arrested French fanny pincher tells judge that the pleads being French!
Environmental Revenge
Johnny Ball who once declared spider flatulence to be more environmentally damaging than fossil fuels, has found house full of spiders.
Law Suit Also Thrown Out
High Court kicks out prisoners' bid for vote compensation, unfashionable clothing.
Berlusconi Visits Vatican
Scandal-hit Berlusconi attends event with Vatican, choirboys stay hidden.
Uganda's Leader Rules With Teeth of Iron
Uganda's leader of 25 years seeks to extend rule. Promises to eat any opponents.
BBC switchboard inundated with complaints by PMT sufferers
...over 'Period Dramas'.
Health and Safety enter The Priory...
for 'psychiatric evaluation'.
Now You've Done It!
Bahrain protests ever louder after leader reveals that there is no such country. "Check a map!"
Billy Ray Disgusted
Billy Ray Cyrus says that Miley's getting too big for her britches...bra.
Gas Battles
Bahrain security forces fire tear gas on protest. Protesters blow human gas back at security forces!
Big Win for Labor?
Wis. protesters buoyed by delay on anti-union bill. Governor may leave worker's pay alone and lay off half of them instead.
Debt Woes Everywhere
Portugal's debt woes spell more trouble for Europe...unless Romania comes forward to help in the situation.
Catfish Owners May Protest
USDA delays decision on catfish inspections. "Just take your bowls of fish back home for now & we'll check them later", says official.
Creek's Full of Them!
Hikers out on Shit Creek, Kentucky say they are finding more and more dollar bills in the water.
Cheryl Cole to sue website after they photoshopped her image without permission.
Flame-haired stunner's head was grafted onto the body of a talented singer.
Al Jazzera's New Release
Egyptian jazz-funk group Al Jazzera have released their new album 'Revolution' becoming an overnight sensation. With Bass player Mad Mubrak removed after a coup, the group has made a spectular album.
Ga Ga Double Record
Pop sensation Lady Ga Ga is the only person ever to both eat a Pastrami sandwich and wear one in the same day.
Twenty Years Too Late on Last Part
Supreme Court schedules 'conference' on Obama's eligibility. How about one on his "Ability"?
Wear Some Flour in Your Hair (It's White Anyway)
Activists swarm Boehner's Capitol Hill home; Chant 'don't tread on DC'.. House votes to overthrow 'czars'. Should be a fun summer.
And She Was So Dignified
Anna Nicole lover weighs legal move on how to attack 'trashy' opera.
First Robot Marathon!
World's first-ever robot marathon! Japanese man asked to leave after refusing to show Press papers, turns out to be robot.
AARP Warning
Social Security/Medicare/Medicaid: 57% of Budget, 0% Cuts. AARP warms: Watch your kool-aid guys.
Deja Vu All Over Again
Troops set for longer Afghan stay; Petraeus warns against early exit. I'm sorry, that news was from two years ago.
DEMS Flee State House!!
Then flee luxury hotel in Chicago, Illinois! Apparently over bed bugs!
Shock in Chicago
SHOCK: Bodies Found 'Stacked 8 Deep' In Chicago Cemetery! Records show that all had voted in 2010 presidential election.
Milwaukee's Finest!
Teachers out in protest in Milwaukee once again, leaving students to talk about summer school protests.
Teen Finds Looted Pharaoh Statue In Trash...
If it had been an asp it would have bit me", laughs youth with finder's fee.
Easy Solution
Public Employee Union Protests Spread From Wisconsin to Ohio. Demand that Treasury print more money!
Stock Market Jittery
Stocks hit by China's tightening, Portugal jitters, sun flares nearly burning us all to death.
Deja vu: Russia, US at odds over missile defense!
Still agree to get rid on thousands of old outdated nuclear missiles. (Replacing some with new versions).
Bad Headline number 79:
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Shed Owners Warn Police
The owners of sheds have warned police not to use wire mesh on their riot vans in case one of the rioters gets injured.
More Middle East Clashes
Clashes mark 'Casual Friday of Rage' in laid-back Yemen's capital of Sanaa.
Earth Dodges Disaster
Earth dodges geomagnetic storm according to scientists, CIA, others that were watching. "Missed us by THAT much", says Agent Maxwell Smart.
That's Always Been Hard to Understand
Gadhafi rallies supporters amid widening protests while Kadhafi, Qadaffi agree to step down.
New Inmate Program
Inmate rear-entry program in the works. I'm sorry, that should have been 're-entry'.
Champagne Pours as London Fashion Week Opens
Champagne pops as London Fashion Week opens. Several admit that they hold back farts until the corks pop!
Japan Switches Hunting Seasons
Activist chases force halt to Japan whaling season but open of the activist season.
One of the Zebras is Moving!
Paparazzi lie in wait for prince's bride-to-be, many dressed in camouflage for every occasion.
Earthquakes Multiplying
Ark. cities feel unexplained surge in earthquakes. Over 1200 hounds dead from porch cave-ins!
The Middle East's Freedom Domino Effect
The Middle East's domino effect has now reached to Wisconsin in the US. Is it headed for Washington. Tea Party say they are ready.
That's Not So Bad!
111 charged in Medicare scams worth $225 million. "That's only a little over a million each", states one defendant. "Every single person in the US now owes $2 million each in federal debt."
Egyptians mass in Cairo to mark Mubarak fall #2
Egyptians mass in Cairo to mark Mubarak fall. "The exact spot where he busted his ass is marked by that image there", stated a local guide.
Or Burn You Up!
Scientists and physicians in several countries now say that standing outside in swimming gear during the next solar flare can give you an instant tan.
Still Need Jobs
Egyptians mass in Cairo to mark Mubarak fall. "Plus we have nothing else to do", say many.
Don't Depend on Obama!
Offended Mubarak refuses calls from Obama. "Barack Obama is a broken reed to lean upon", he tells other leaders.
Waffling Champs
Citizens celebrate 'world record' Belgian waffling and no government. "No one can waffle like a Belgian", say newspapers.
David Cameron Denies Being Out Of Touch With Working Class People
David Cameron today denied that he was out of touch with working class people. 'I have been watching them in Lark Rise to Candleford', he told reporters, 'and I am even planning to buy a holiday cottage in Lark Rise.'
Jordan unhurt in car crash
'Her air-bags saved her' say police...
'Vampires Spotted' in Washington (latest)
"They're obviously not getting the right vitamins' says skin specialist.
Elton's Hair Is Fabricated
In hairdressing news Elton John's stylist has finally revealed what many of us suspected,telling reporters it's actually made from a mix of polycarbon fibres,kevlar and weasel hair.
Colin Firth Is Worried
Colin Firth,the Nation's darling and all round lovely man has admitted he's starting to worry whether his popularity is on the wane.
'It's nearly four days since I won an award now,' said Colin.
Ecclestone, 'It's a Bloody Tragedy in Bahrain...'
'...I'll lose several million if it's cancelled' says caring Bernie
A Hidden Agenda
President Obama wants a switch to turn off the USA Internet, in the event of a cyber terrorist attack. Isn't that what the cyber terrorists are trying to do?
It's Really Official
President Obama has been definitely identified as being born in HI. A fellow "Aloha" state legislator remembers him as being called the "Mad Spender"
More Fiber
Want to live longer, federal government scientists say eat more fiber. Sales of carpets, throw rugs and bath mats jump by 50% in Washington DC!
Obama etal, through the Clueless Looking Glass
Obama claims his $3.73 trillion federal budget actually reduces the deficit. Loony left say cutting defense by $100 billion & loony right say cutting foreign aid by 50%, will balance this budget!
No Tunnels Allowed
President Obama may compromise with US House Republicans on green energy by only spending $100 billion on "wind trains!
Democrats are in Everyone's Pants Again
Senators Durbin (D-IL) & Lautenberg (D-NJ) are suggesting MLB ban smokeless chewing tobacco, as being unsanitary. Several other off-the-field activities involving women are also under consideration!
EPA Still Regulating Everything
EPA to regulate lust, oops that should be dust!
Different Performance
San Francisco CA man buys ticket to an organ symphony, but finds it's not the instrument he was expecting!
Why USA has a Budget Deficit
New federal government funded study indicates that US citizens, eat, drink and sleep but eventually die!
Stardust
EPA to investigate whether Hoagy Carmichael's hit song "Stardust," written in 1927, is in compliance with the agencies proposed farm dust regulations!
If We Only Had Some Wind Energy
Some blue state politicians push for use of 10% wind energy, which costs 25% above conventional electricity. The poor cannot afford this, but not to worry everybody else will make up the difference!
Questions
Two years of the Obama administration, solar electricity is 1% & wind electricity is 2% of the total. Students, how old will you be when the USA gets to 100%? Oh, you don't do math & science well!
Vampires Spotted in Washington DC
President Obama wants to hire 5000 new IRS agents so he can continue to suck the life out of the middle class and go on deficit spending like a drunken sailor!
Democratic Liberal Left Mantra
Overheard in a liberal/blue northeast state, "we can't possibly lay off 1600 unionized teachers, go out and find some rich people to tax some more!"
Moving Day
President Obama's $1.6 trillion 2012 budget deficit is caused by a requirement to physically co-locate all the remaining blue states in one section of the continental USA.
EPA to Regulate Stupidity
EPA to lay off one-half of their federal personnel, thus reducing the number of stupid regulations this agency fosters on the American people!
New Handle
The US Secret Service is changing VP Biden's code name from "Foot-in-Mouth" to "Big Foot-in-Mouth" after his remark about former President Mubarak of Egypt not being a dictator!
Goldie Hawn's Advice
Goldie Hawn's philosophy: Life is all about happiness. "Ever since "Laugh In" I laugh at whatever anyone asks me. You bet your sweet bippie ha ha ha!"