Spoof news snippets from Tuesday 15 February 2011
Tottenham steal spaghetti in Milan and leave the Italians starving!
The Spurs did a "coup d etat" in Italy tonight by nicking the pasta and not paying for it and the spaghetti thin Peter Crouch even rubbed the bolognese sauce in the Italians faces!
New cat catches rats in Nr 10
The UK PM has decided to buy a new cat for Nr 10, Larry his name, he has been hearing rats scampering around the place and thought poison was slightly too radical!
Local Kid Injured
Local kid injured when air guitar explodes. "I told him he had too much air in that thing", says dad.
Getting Exam Results No. 1 Cause of Finding Out About Terrible Exam Results
[more as it comes in]
Berlusconi Caught in Honey Trap
In an attempt to bring Silvio Berlusconi to his 2,568th court hearing, 3 women judges have been brought in to lure him. To have a trio of ladies to listen to him is thought to be too tempting.
Mr Muscle Loses His X-Factor
Until he was 22 years old,Irish leprechaun Louis Walsh was a 6ft 4" Champion Bodybuilder like Arnold Schwarzenneger.It's only since he stopped training that he became the shrivelled weasel we see now.
Is That A Sprout I See Before Me
In Roman Times,because sprouts were so plentiful,Roman Gentlemen used to stuff them down their underpants to look more impressive in the bedroom department.
Should have Been A Contender
The Inventors of Ice Cream never made a penny from their brilliance.Brian 'Vanilla' Ice,and Marcus 'Hand' Cream never patented their idea and were ripped off,which is what usually happens isn't it?
Cricketer Catches Aeroplane
England Cricketer Paul Collingwood,renowned for his athletic fielding,stunned the crowd at The Oval today when he caught a low flying light aircraft at second slip.
'It's just instinct,' he said.
Carlos Tevez 'Takes it up the Aris!'
Argentine wizzard dribbles the ball into Aris Salonika territory.
(The Greeks 'invented it', y'know...)
Electrocuted Rearing Horse Mystery. Was Spoof Writer Prescient?
Check out my profile pic. You decide.
(Hint: Horseshit...)
Radiohead Do U-Turn
For the release of their next album, Radiohead have scrapped their "Pay What You Want" format.
Its to be changed to a "Pay What They Want" policy.
Dido To Sue Dido
Angry at the illegal use of her name, Dido of The Aeneid has filed a lawsuit against singer Dido today. The singer has claimed it was all an homage, but the other Dido will not accept the excuse.
Homeless Junkie Astounds World, Renames Himself "Trash"
In a slummy Lower East Side neighborhood today, a homeless junkie, previously named "Paul Sodum" has changed his name to "Trash" In an interview with the press, he quipped "Well,You are what you eat"
Sex Ed Teachers Teach "Pussy" As Corruption of "Pudenda"
In a move guaranteed to shock etymologists the world over, a number of teachers in a small Ohio town have started teaching that "pussy" is derived from "pudenda" This of course is not true-nor proper.
Ku Klux Klan To Finally Dissolve
In South Alabama, the KKK at last admitted defeat and announced the dissolving of their hate group. "The minorities have won-did in fact years ago." said one member, in tears, moments after the news.
Polar Bear to Sue Polar Bottling Co.
A polar bear, representing hundreds who have made no royalties on the illegal use of their name and image, has filed a lawsuit against the Polar Bottling Company today. Counsel is said to be frosty.
New Cooling Device (For Tea) Invented
At an air-conditioning factory in Ohio, a new cooling device was unveiled today. It is said to reduce the temperature by several dozen degrees. The downside? It's for tea and tea-kettles only!
Egyptians To Be Degreased?
Egypt's president, in an effort to clean up his country's image, has ordered all citizens to be degreased. The best degreasing solutions have been obtained for this. No word yet on its effectiveness.
Etymology and Entomology to Exchange Definitions
In a move (poorly) calculated to cease people's confusion, etymology and entomology have reached an accord regarding transposing their meanings. One will now be bugs, the other the study of words.
Environmentalists To Cease Driving Altogether
Protesting at a Texan oil well, representatives of the Environmentalists of America, have said that they will give up their large SUVs to stop pollution. And so will finally cease their hypocrisy.
American Truckers to Clean Up Themselves
In a shocking but well-admired move, the Truckers of America, have announced they will begin to cleanse themselves with soap and water..at last. No word yet on whether they plan to slim down, too.
Santa To Face Toy Company Lawsuit
Flagging profits for Toys R Us and other large toy companies were blamed on Jolly St. Nick, and they have gone ahead and filed class-action suits against the man, for giving away what they sell.
Oil Executives To Begin Spending Profits
In an unprecedented move, the Oil Executives of America, together marched to their local Bentley dealer and began spending their profits. This marks day one of a projected 1,000,000,000,000 day spree.
Poorly Made Piggy Banks Not Worth Putting Money Into
Trading Standard Officers have seized a batch of rogue Piggy Banks that break very easily when gripped,warning shoppers they aren't worth putting your money into.
'They break very easily' said a man.
Lorry Driver Dumps His Load On M25
'Sorry, I couldn't wait for the next services' he told police.
Redknapp promises to 'stuff' Milan
...Mandaric at their joint tax evasion trial in July.
Petting Zoo
The world's first heavy petting zoo has opened in Amsterdam. Stag parties are said to be disappointed it contains three elephants, two buffalo and stripper called Bella.
Windscreen Repair company crashes.
'I couldn't see it coming' says CEO
'Out-of-body experience' witness charged with perjury
'I got above myself' he says
Tiger attack foiled by soup ladle
'Next time I'll use one of his clubs' says plucky woman.
Cameron Denies New Cat Larry is Gay
but does admit that he is a 'bit of a pussy'.
Be Very, Very Leery Of Expensive Wine
With an expiration date.
The Netherlands Is Planning On Invading Cuba
The Netherlands facing a severe cigar shortage is presently making plans to invade Cuba.
The Reason "Weird" Al Yankovic Is Retiring
"Weird" Al Yankovic is retiring after losing his "Weirdness."
Noted Lesbian Singers Melissa Etheridge and Chely Wright To Record A Duet
The lesbian duo of Melissa Etheridge and Chely Wright will be going into the recording studio to record the country music song, "Hey Cowboy, Get Dat Damn Pecker Da Hell Away From Me Rat Now!"
Two of Piers Morgan's Most "Hair Raising" Guests
North Korea's Kim Jong Il and Manhattan's Donald Trump are scheduled to appear on Piers Morgan Tonight to discuss their unique Hairdo's.
Natural Causes
POLICE: Headless woman died of natural causes...apparently coughed her head off with bad cold.
She's Back
Rosanne Barr returns to television with the new reality show, "Big Ass!"
Political Comedy Act
Democrats in the US House have been compared to the Marx Brothers. Republicans (since taking over as the majority party) in the US House are acting like the Keystone Cops!
Let Them Drink Miller Lite
The First Lady Michelle Obama asks the EPA to regulate kids drinking Heavy Water, as part of her child anti-obesity program!
Political Magic Act
House Majority Leader Boehner & the Republicans are getting too involved with Social Conservative issues, instead of the economy & jobs. American voters could make Republicans disappear in two years!
No More Credit Kiddo
After President Obama's 2012 federal budget was released, Uncle Sam entered the White House Oval Office and immediately confiscated the president's credit cards!
More about Chicken Crap
Maryland legislators may ban Arsenic in chicken feed. FDA approved this additive in 1944, rabid environmentalists discovered it in 2011. Has there been a rash of Arsenic poisoning in 67 years?
Why Bother?
A man wrote one of his state's US Senators a letter about the proliferation of government agencies concerned with protecting Salmon. The reply letter contained a booklet about raising rabbits!
Republicans Don't know how to have a Sex Scandal
Former NY Gov. Spitzer had a sex scandal and gets his own show on CNN TV. Rep. Lee (R-NY) is headed back to Buffalo NY, after sending a shirtless self-portrait to a woman he met on Craigslist.