Spoof news snippets from Saturday 12 February 2011
One Of The Most Perfect Words In The English Language
The word "Lisp" sounds exactly like what it actually is.
This Is The Best Damn Diet In China
The One-Chopstick Diet.
The Banker's Wife Revealed Why She Divorced Her Husband
He just lost 'Interest.'
Mubarak believes he can win election!
Hosni Mubarak says he would like to give the people of Egypt the opportunity to vote him back into power when arrangements are made for an election to take place.He feels confident of winning he says.
The Most Sure Fire Successful "Non-Invention"
Mouse-flavored cat food.
Alex Ferguson on Retiring
Sir Alex Ferguson has finally admitted that he knows exactly when he'll call it a day and retire from the game.
Its when he finally discovers what to do with his hands when Man U score.
Becks Talks About Next Child
David Beckham is glad he and Posh aren't naming their 4th child after the place of conception, as happened with Brooklyn. He really didn't want to call the child Peckham Beckham.
Runaway Train Comes Over The Hill
A Runaway train came over the hill,and it blew,a runaway train came over the hill and it blew,then it went straight into the side of a pub.The Driver,Porter,Engineer and Fireman all shat themselves.
Man Has Nasty Fall Off Wall
Harry Dumpty,42,from Swannage,sat on a wall,but shortly after that,he had a great fall.He split his skull open,Paramedics said 'he was very drunk so it's his own fault.Please drink responsibly.'
Spider Drowns In Spout Tragedy
Incy Wincy spider climbed up the spout,trying to escape,but down came the rain in such volume that he couldn't cope and was drowned under the sheer weight of water.Tragic,should have been avoided.
A Stitch In Time
As the old saying goes,'A Stitch In Time Saves Nine.'
Nine what? Cats,Dogs,Whistles,Sprouts,Balls of Wool,pound coins?
Whichever way you polish it up,it's a shite saying isn't it?
Unlucky Alf Strikes Again
Poor Unlucky Alf,everything he does turns to shit.This morning,after months of taking artificial sweetener his false teeth rotted and fell out!
Scientist Invents Fog Horn
A South African scientist has invented a Fog Horn made entirely from fog!
Kerry Katona has turned to the spirits in a desperate bid to find Mr Right
Vodka, Kahlua and Baileys.
Richard Key frozen out as he asks waitress for ice cream
'Do us a flavour, love'.
Botched Booty Girl was 'injected with Mouse'
Pathologist says cause of death 'Squeaky Bum'.
Mubarack treated in Cairo hospital for heart failure
'We couldn't find one' says surgeon
Bacon sells for £23m at auction
'They must have seen him coming' says Smithfield Pork Butcher.
King's Speech Latest
The King's Speech could well turn out to be the cheapest Oscar winning film ever.
Producer Harvey Weinstein has put much of that down to the fact that there was only 50 words in the whole movie.
Pooh Bear Not Real
Winnie -The-Pooh,or Pooh to his mates isn't really a bear.Infact he isn't even real,just a series of drawings that luckily for the writer Kevin Mayhem, really took off.
Ancient Remains Found In Fife
Scientists in Fife have found tracks made by an extinct water scorpion called Shahoorsur.
Its the most significant archaeological find in the kingdom since the discovery in 1979 of the Shaboysur".
Smart Teenager Will Take Out His Revenge More Precisely
BIRMINGHAM - An A* student, will take out his revenge on school bullies. "When I grow up, I'll make sure they're the cleaners of my loo. That's too good. Be my clowns." Score one for intellectuals.
Mubarak, NBC reach settlement
Will leave Egypt's "Tonight Show" for undisclosed sum. New "Hosni!" show will debut on TBS when his no-compete clause ends in September...