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SKY'S ONLY 2011 NEW CUSTOMER IS VERY ANGRY!

Mr.S.Oftgit,Sky's only new customer in 2011 said,"I had it installed for Christmas. What's with all the adverts? I never thought they would charge me to watch bleeding adverts, I am very angry!"

written by Micflex, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Chinaman's Heart Rejects Prince Philip

"That'll teach him to call us "slanty-eyed gits, the kebab guzzling c***!" said the heart with a fair degree of feeling last night

written by Clive Danton, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Scotland Yard launch investigation into missing turkey

An investigation has been launched into a missing turkey from E.Londoner,Ivy Boggs' fridge today. Reports that a local Bangladeshi restaurant just added turkey curry to their menu haven't been proven.

written by shufflewick71, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Gingrich fails to capture adulterers' vote in Virginia.

Candidate falls short of the 10,000 signatures to get on the primary ballot. "I let the adulterers down! I never should have apologized - when am I going to learn to get my big mouth shut!"

written by NWNewsmash, 24 December 2011
Rating:

UK's Police Issue Christmas 'Zero Tolerance' Reminder To The Public.

Police have issued a reminder to the public that it's officers will be armed this Christmas and applying 'zero tolerance'. Anyone found to be causing a disturbance in a public place will be shot.

written by Tommy Twinkle, 24 December 2011
Rating:

BNP get a new mascot

The BNP have finally found a mascot they believe is representative of their organisation.

"We will adopt the shark as our mascot," said leader Nick Griffin. "The great white shark, obviously."

written by IainB, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Nick Griffin disappointed

Nick Griffin, leader of the BNP, has admitted that he is disappointed.

"I was hoping for a White Christmas," he said.

written by IainB, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Nike Air Jordan shoes cause US riots!

Nike have released their latest Air Jordan shoe and it has caused stampedes and riots all over the country proving that Air Jordan's only work when Michael is wearing them; he could really fly!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Queen visits Prince Philip in hospital, he forgot his toy duck!

The Queen has visited Phlip in hospital because he refuses to bathe without his fav toy duck called "Diana the Duck"!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Pakistan decide to ignore Christmas, they prefer suicide bombings!

Pakistan have decided to ignore the festive period because they prefer suicide bombings; never boring and much more explosive!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Thousands flock to Bethlehem to see Jesus!

Thousand of Christians are flocking to Bethlehem to see Jesus; his mum and dad decided to book a package holiday to Ibiza to avoid the rush!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Christmas "Mutiny on the Spoof" as writers jump ship!

HMS Spoof is now empty after a Christmas mutiny with most writers jumping ship. Captain Mark Horatio-Hornblower (not in a gay way) was made to walk the plank and the awaiting sharks left him legless!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Birdbrains can count: pigeons better at math than average 3rd grader

Scientists have learned that the common pigeon has more math sense than an 8-year-old as the filthy beings (the birds, NOT the kids) are able to do "greater than/less than analysis with more success.

written by Lyndon, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Thieves nick Trafalgar Square Christmas tree!

In an astonishing act of national desecration thieves have nicked the Trafalgar Square christmas tree, it was last seen being used as firewood behind a M25 layby. Illegals have to keep warm too!

written by Jaggedone, 24 December 2011
Rating:

"santa is real" claims 7 year old boy in startling revelation

News sends shockwaves around the globe.

written by Thing50, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Hugh Grant to play Alex Higgens in new biopic.

It has been confirmed that Hugh Grant will play the troubled snooker player in an up and coming biopic planned for 2012.

written by Thing50, 24 December 2011
Rating:

George Michael Reveals "It Was Touch And Go"

Another day spent in the public lavatories in Hampstead presumably.

written by Clive Danton, 24 December 2011
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Rick Perry Says That Two Out of Three Really Isn't All That Bad

Rick Perry says that he can speak three languages fluently. One is English, the second is Spanish, and he said he cannot remember the third one.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
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New Jersey Just Says "No"

New Jersey has banned the use of glow-in-the-dark condoms on the grounds that all it does is encourage night time sex.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Michele Bachmann Loved The Gift But Not The Name

Ron Paul gave Michele Bachmann a rabbit for Christmas. He told her that its name was Playboy Bunny. Bachmann accepted the gift but changed its name to Dust Bunny.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Sarah Palin Needs To Just Shut Up And Bake Something

V.P. Joe Biden called up Sarah Palin, who had criticized the Obama's Christmas card, and told her to keep her friggin mouth shut because nobody gives an eff what the Alaskan loser bitch thinks.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

President Obama Is Making Needed Cuts

In yet another way of cutting back on needless Federal spending, President Obama has stated that effective January 1, 2012 the Federal Food Stamp Office in Beverly Hills will be shut down.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Arizona Vows To Make School Kids Behave

Due to the recent epidemic of fights on school buses the state of Arizona has issued a Governors Directive which allows school bus drivers to carry taser guns.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

The Damn Worthless "Snowflake" Bumper Stickers Have Got To Go

The Tea Bag Party has said that they have about 18,000 "Unused" Palin In 2012 bumper stickers which they say are suitable for wrapping up Christmas presents or birthday presents.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Brazil Is Working On Her Priority

Brazil's president reports he's in the process of collecting evidence in The Soccer Ball Kick Back Scandal. He stressed that Brazil's goal is to find the culprits and bring them to justice.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 24 December 2011
Rating:

Navy on standby as Falklands hit by Argentina-led blockade!

As South American blockade of the Falklands sparked fears that Argentina is preparing a fresh bid to take control of the islands.

"Christ almighty, that's bad - we've got so many less ships now too!"

written by Inchcock, 24 December 2011
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