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Bonds no match for Bonds

Barry Bonds' 30 days in jail was changed to 30 days house arrest after baseball's all-time steroid use leader demonstrated an ability to bend cell bars with his bare hands.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 December 2011
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Tim Tebow compares himself to Rick Perry

Tim Tebow, starting quarterback for the Denver Broncos, says that he too cannot remember which three federal agencies Rick Perry would eliminate if elected president.

written by The San Francisco Onion, 16 December 2011
Rating:

India claim they have the smallest things on the planet including women and condoms!

India has a huge population, is a huge country, but as far as it's women and male genitalia go, they're pretty meniscule. Nevermind they're huge in the kamasutra!

written by Jaggedone, 16 December 2011
Rating:

World War II Bomber Found On Simon Cowell's Head

The 4 Engine Halifax is believed to have been unable to take off from Cowell's huge forehead since 1941 after its undercarriage became bogged down in Botox.

written by Clive Danton, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Mitt "The Riverboat Gambler" Romney Strikes Again!

Mitt Romney did not learn his lesson about betting as he again made a $10,000 wager during the latest GOP Debate. This time he bet Rick Santorum $10,000 that he will kick his ass in the Iowa Primary

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Rick Perry Certainly Knows How To Play Ping Pong

Debate Moderator Bret Baier reminded Rick Perry that he admitted to being a bad debater. Perry smiled and said he'd also like to admit that he thinks Baier looks a lot like the Pillsbury Doughboy.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Megyn Kelly Ended Up With Egg On Her Face

The GOP debate got a little heated when moderator Megyn Kelly said Rick Santorum had failed to catch fire. Santorum responded by telling Kelly that she had failed to remove the price tag from her bra.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Mitt Romney Has The Answer

Mitt Romney was asked how he would get the American drone back from Iran. He said that he would tell Iran to FedEx it to the White House immediately, no questions asked.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

The Michele Bachmann American Drone Plan

Michelle Bachmann was asked how she would get the American drone back from Iran. She said first she'd offer money. And if that did not work she would offer to throw in 10,000 pounds of camel food.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Ron Paul Is Just Too Busy Multitasking

Ron Paul was asked how he would go about getting back the American drone from Iran and he replied "What American drone?"

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
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So Farewell, Christopher Hitchens

Shame you never got be on Question Time with your brother again. That was brilliant!

written by Ellis Ian Fields, 16 December 2011
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Murderer Stuart Campbell, wants double pay over Christmas!

Jailed murderer Stuart Campbell has complained about his having to work in the kitchens over Christmas without double pay!

His 15 year old female victims parents must be boiling at this!

written by Inchcock, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Newcastle United, eye up Nice midfielder Kafoumba Coulibaly

Newcastle United want Nice midfielder Kafoumba Coulibaly!

What if he wasn't a nice man then?.... ah I see now, Nice in France! Silly me!

written by Inchcock, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Rio Ferdinand: It's not the players fault we lost!

Rio Ferdinand has defended Manchester United's young guns and insisted: "It's not their fault we are out of the Champions League."

'Well who do you blame? Man City perhaps?'

written by Inchcock, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Jimmy Saville Rises From The Dead

When spotted smoking a cigar outside his Leeds tomb the recently deceased DJ made a yodelling sound and exclaimed "'ow's about that then!"

written by Clive Danton, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Lindsay Lohan Says She Will Never Forget Her Past

Lindsay Lohan said that a couple of photos in her Playboy layout will include her wearing nothing but an electronic ankle bracelet monitoring device just for old times sake.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Ron Paul Is Steppin' In High Cotton

Ron Paul said that things are starting to look real good for his campaign as he has just wrapped up the 80 to 90 vote. He proudly noted that he will now begin working on getting the 70 to 80 vote.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Michele Bachmann Has Kicked Sarah "Snowflake" Palin's Butt

Michele Bachmann is more popular than Sarah Palin ever was. Which goes to show that voters prefer female candidates who buy their moose at the supermarket instead of shooting it in the wilderness.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Well The Man Is A Big Fan of Sunflower Seeds

According to a recent survey a vast majority of Americans believe that Rick Santorum is a baseball infielder.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Oprah Winfrey, She Sho Nuff Be Dissin' Brutha Herman Cain

Oprah Winfrey said that she does not like Herman Cain because he is prejudiced. When asked to explain she said that he only harassed white women and not once did he ever harass a black woman.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Ron Paul Says It Is Time To Get Down To Business

Ron Paul said now that Herman Cain has quit the voters can begin focusing on other things such as Newt Gingrich's past infidelities, Mitt Romney's religion, and Michele Bachmann's silly ass hairdo.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Walmart - Your Store For Political Stuff

Walmart reports that their Mitt Romney Christmas Flip-Flops are selling like hot cakes. The Michele Bachmann Adult Training Bras are not selling at all.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
Rating:

Guess Who's Coming Back (Maybe?)

Herman Cain remarked that now that all of the white blonde women who accused him of sexual harassment have all settled down he may just consider reentering the GOP presidential race.

written by Abel Rodriguez, 16 December 2011
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